Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…
Dear Em & Lo,
I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.
But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?
Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.
I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have a rape fantasy.
I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.
So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.
Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.
— Vanilla Girl
What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.
“But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. ”
Almost all practitioners of BDSM follow the “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” credo. Based on how he has acted thus far, I think it would be unlikely that he’d break that and try to force you to engage in any sort of activity that would make you uncomfortable.
One of the most fundamental precepts of BDSM, as I understand it, is mutual communication about what both partners are comfortable with. I was in the same position as you are about two years ago: a guy with whom I was very interested in starting a relationship was completely honest about his interests in bondage. I, like you, was completely terrified of the prospect of being with someone who wanted to sexually subjugate me. I chickened out, but some time later, I got a second chance to be with him, and took it; a year later, I am still with him and couldn’t be happier. I do participate in BDSM with him, because of the sense of mutual trust and safety that we have created through extensive communication. That said, if you don’t feel that you’ll ever be able to be fully honest with this guy, and able to trust him, you will never reach a state of sexual compatibility. Do you really want to be with someone of whom you are afraid?
He’s made it clear that hard core BDSM is “a significant part of his sexuality.” YOU have made it clear that that is NEVER gonna work for you. You have mentioned not just spankings, but, “violent” spankings, “Extreme Bondage” (Whatever that is) and other things you seem turned off by and even frightened with thinking about.
It doesn’t mean he’s wrong, or that you are, just that the two of you are on completely different pages, sexually. He didn’t say, “I like a little light bondage and mild humiliation with my sex, but I don’t need it.” He said it was “a integral part” of who is is.
You seem to think that BDSM is about “being scared” (and it isn’t, in fact, the Bottom has most of the control in most S/D relationships, and if done right, there is NO fear, but you have to BE that person who want that, but that’s an other page) and you don’t seem to get what he’s about either.
He’s keeping it totally vanilla for you, for now, but if that what does it for him, eventually, he WILL get bored. And, you will get either tired of hearing about it, or get tired of fending off his “suggestions.”
Sexual compatibility is SO important. If this is his thing, his complete thing, and HIS thing is something you can’t even think about without feeling ill HOW is this going to work? He’s NOT going to stop wanting hard core, and I don’t see you wanting it ever. Both of you are compromising, in a way that isn’t sustainable, won’t last and will not turn out for the better for either of you, not to mention both of you.
My opinion? Get this over with and move on before someone gets hurt or falls in love and both of you are left wanting. IMO, this is not a “fixable” situation.
You may also need to think about WHY you let yourself fall for a man who is lives a Lifestyle which is exactly what you are most frightened of.
Probably because he lied about it until AFTER I fell for him. And moved into his house….where he left me with his toddler kids and my clothes in bags and boxes….and spent 3 weeks in the hospital fighting staph in his rectum and penis. While figuring out what to do….gave up my job, mid move, family mad at my choice…I opened an armoire to look for clothing space. NO closing that door. He told me it was in the past….wrong. He left ropes on his bed, and contracted staph that went blood borne from one of the fucking toys he used on some Sub…..
It is really all mental, and selfishness IMHO. When the woman who has taken on your toddlers has to live out of totes so your TOYS and BITS and WHIPS can be honored in an antique Armoire, you do not want a partner in life or a relationship; you want control and to get your kink fed.
I simply feel manipulated, and suggest she LEAVES!! I would now, but then Social Services would take the kids….sigh. Suck being a sane, giving person involved with a self serving sex addict who lies to himself more than anyone else.
Oh Mama, sorry to hear you’re going through this. Good luck to you!
Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if you were the one spanking him or tying him up?? Then you would be in control of the situation and it would not feel scary to you. If you can see yourself as a dominatrix, then it might work for him too. You should talk to him about your feelings and fears. Also, I think that if your past is still generally hurting you and affecting you in a negative way that you should consider trauma counseling. Good luck.
Relationships, even the best-seeming ones, are hard. So much so, that without any other information at all, my response to “Is my relationship doomed?” defaults to “probably.” It probably is, even without any kink/vanilla incompatibilities. Spes made a comment above, bringing up a good point that friendship is what keeps things going. A common theme with the vast majority of the healthy (whatever that means) relationships I have enjoyed / observed is communication. Open, honest communication. If this is a big deal, the best advice I have would be to talk about it. Maybe you’ll compromise (trying a “softer” scene as recommended above) and realize you actually CAN get into some of this. Maybe you’ll try it out and hate it. Maybe you are firmly against trying anything else out. Whatever the case may be, talk it through. Once you’re both clear on the issue, then you can decide what the next steps are-whether it be breaking up, just being friends, being friends with occasional vanilla sexual play, or sticking through some sort of relationship. Talk about it. Don’t guess at what he’s thinking.
Is the relationship doomed? Probably.
This guy certainly doesn’t sound like ‘Mr. Right’; at least for you. My opinion is that you are vulnerable to being hurt in more ways than one. I suggest you end it and do it sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen many relationships fall apart because of this very issue. If his need for kink is as strong as you think, then maybe you should try something mild as others have suggested.
He is being “vanilla” for you right now, but this fetish will resurface and cause problems later. It always does. Plus, you will always know that you are not satisfying him completely, which will make you insecure in the relationship. He has given you fair warning already.
Simple. Sit him down and make him read this. It seems to me that you haven’t had the entire conversation with him, and if you intend to continue a relationship, you’re going to need to have it anyways. In fact, for a real relationship, you’re going to need to tell him a lot more than this, so if he doesn’t know everything that we do now, you’re missing information. Why don’t you ask HIM if this relationship will work?
I think the only way this can be solved/saved is if you go nonmonogamous and let him get his kink needs solved elsewhere. That way you don’t have to participate (and don’t feel forced to in order to keep him), and he doesn’t feel neglected/pissed/frustrated/whatever because he can only get it from you and you don’t want to.
Yeah, 99% of the population, probably including you, would not be okay with this. But hell, it worked for me.
Sex is an important part of a relationship – just like friendship, trust, spiritual values, moral ideologies, etc. It would be difficult to be in a relationship with a person who’s fundamentally different from you morally. It would be difficult if your money habits are very different. In the same way, differences in sexual tastes do pose a challenge in the relationship.
The question is how much the relationship is worth to both of you. Is your vanilla attitude important enough to him to tone down his kinkiness? Is his desire to experiment important enough to you for you to try it in small doses?
Just like any other fundamental difference, this needs to be addressed. And getting serious in a relationship requires moving out of your comfort zone in some areas. Decide how much each of you are willing to budge. If you’re both willing to try each other’s worlds, do it with respect and trust – in the same way that you would address a big difference in any other aspect of your relationship.
Spes brings up a very good point that subs often control the way that things go, as a good, sane dom is at least as responsive to their partner’s needs as a typical vanilla lover. You may also be over-estimating the effect of some BDSM play…as Dan Savage says, for most people it’s ‘playing cops and robbers with your clothes off’, and for a lot of people, it is very much just play.
You certainly have good and valid reasons for not wanting to explore this kink, and you should not feel guilty about having them. As to what it means for the future of your relationship, as everyone else has pointed out, it could be a major problem. It is very difficult for someone who has very clearly defined kinks to face going without them for a long period of time, regardless of how much they might love their vanilla partner. Is it possible that you could talk to him about ways that he could satisfy this kink within whatever boundaries the two of you find acceptable for you as a couple? Some couples manage to have a great relationship when one person can act out their kinks away from the other, or perhaps you can find ways to do it together which don’t bother you- attend dungeon parties together where you don’t have to participate in the play except in encouraging him to watch, verbally participate etc.
Not all couples can or want to go that way, but if you really care about each other and just can’t find a way around this issues, it might be worth exploring.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, and I hope that you can work it out. If nothing else, tell him that you are afraid that he is all of a sudden going to do something that makes you uncomfortable, and why.
My dear Vanilla, Oh how I know how you feel. Or at least somewhat. I myself am a product of past events in my life that now affect my present & future. Those events being raped at age 16 and molested by an uncle in my youngest of years. That being said my biggest hangup you could say was something as easy as a blowjob, even if it was with a man that I was or am in love with.
What I have found is that the more they harped me on “their needs” of this sort of thing, the more I felt the same manipulative feelings that I have tried for so long to get over. You cant get over it, you can try to forget, but it is always there in that little space in the back of your mind.
So what I have done, is basically tell any of the men that were previously in my life or currently (my current boyfriend) that I know and I am fully aware of their wants and “Needs”, BUT they also need to be fully aware of my past. And by them putting pressure on me about what they think they need/want so badly, they are not thinking about anyone but themselves. So in the end when it comes to a blowjob…I do it on my own terms and when I am comfortable with it as well. It may not be everyday or even every week, but I do make an effort. As long as they keep in mind the emotional turmoil I went thru as a child & teen, and fully understand what that has done to me – then they might deserve that extra treat to fulfill their desires.
Another solution is to possibly come up with a safe word. And tell him what you have gone thru. If you are honest with him, that right there might bring you closer than anything sexually would. And maybe he has never had anyone go thru anything like that before that it was ever an issue.
I know my past has definitely influenced the sexual appetite I have today in a perverse odd way, thats not saying its good or bad, Just Odd.
Friendship, not sex, is what keeps a relationship strong for 50+ years. Also, sometimes, though rarely, those kinks do go away, but not because they’re being denied or repressed, it’s an internal issue. I found myself in the awkward position of having the man who awoke my love of kink suddenly lose his interest in it. And when one loves to sub, it’ just plain weird to suddenly have to take the upper hand.
I agree with Paul and Johnny, talk to you S.O., consider some super soft BDSM play, and do just that play! Run naked giggling around the house and then let him catch you and put some loose fluffy cuffs around you wrists. Remember that dominating has everything to do with power play, so just the satisfaction that he knows precisely how make you squirm with pleasure may be enough in and of itself for him. Doms don’t just humiliate and beat their partners, many also love to toy with their partners through pleasure not pain. And bear in mind this: in BDSM the sub is really the one with the true power; they ultimately determine and set the boundaries of the dom. At their word (or other signal) they have the power to stop everything cold.
I have a guy friend in this situation. He is kinky, she is not. His experience makes me think you are probably a bit doomed.
I asked him as a fellow kinkster how vanilla was working out for him. Initially he thought it was fine he could give that up for a great girl, but it slowly wore on him. When she wanted to spice things up, his ideas were not well received to say the least. She had zero interest in his kinks.
So instead he substitutes with among other things a secret online personal ad (that says he is single btw) he checks daily. It’s good that you are ok with his porn, but it can move beyond that and he will keep it from you.
Also, as someone who is into BDSM (but by no means a die hard) I will tell you those fantasies & desires never go away. Mine ebb & flow, but the idea of never being able to indulge that part of my sexuality again? That would be hell. You don’t mention your/his age. However if he has engaged in bdsm in person (ie – not just online or porn) I can tell you it’s not something that is going to go away for him. Consequently the elephant isn’t going away.
If kink or anything else in your sexual relationship is already causing a disconnect it’s probably doomed. Sexual chemistry is what makes a relationship not just a friendship. So what happens when you are a year in? or two? when all that stupidly happy newness wears off. Are you guys really going to be able to (pardon the cliche) keep things hot in the bedroom if you can’t even agree on what’s hot?
You wrote, “I can’t imagine enjoying anything about it…”
I take that to mean you haven’t tried this out. Perhaps you could entertain a softer-core S&M session, just to see what it’s like and to satisfy your partner? Like, no pain, no humiliation… maybe just soft fuzzy cuffs and/or a blindfold?
But maybe the answer to that is no. Maybe you just absolutely definitely don’t want anything to do with it. In that case yes. Your relationship is doomed.
I wouldn’t say it’s doomed…yet.
I think it definitely shows a fundamental difference in one of the most important aspects of a relationship. So I would think it needs to be addressed head on and early before you get to deep and it becomes very difficult and complicated for both of you.
I’d recommend talking to him about it and see what he likes about that “flavor” of sexual relationship. Maybe hearing him explain it to you will help you understand it and him a little more. You might not want to jump in full force, but maybe you could try a few things you do feel comfortable with and see how it goes.
But, I would say after talking with him and you still feel uncomfortable then it’s probably best you guys part ways. To have a disconnect on that level I think would slowly spread throughout the entire relationship over time. That is, unless you can allow him to fulfill those desires apart from you (whatever that would mean), which probably wouldn’t bode well with you.
I think in order to travel down that rode [you] need to be either very detached or very secure. Secure being the more healthy I imagine, and cultivating that kind of security takes time.
Paul