Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…
Dear Em & Lo,
I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.
But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?
Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.
I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have a rape fantasy.
I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.
So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.
Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.
— Vanilla Girl
What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.
I am vanilla my husband into soft bdsm. I have tried it but feel disconnected emotionally, like im acting in sex and he doesnt really want ME. Even though he says its very connecting to do that. We are at a point after 18 years where the only option seems to try having him have outside sub relationships with
In earlier years I might have left sooner, but we truly love each other and have much going in other ways. We are going to a therapist to work on communication issues (which ave at least in part, manifested due to resentment about getting our needs met). I’m personally hoping with increased communication, more trust and emotional intimacy, I might be able to adopt enough of the play – without it feeling fake – that could satisfy him.
Footnote – has always participated in self-bdsm – he’s not very social. He says he just needs the domination and its not about sex. Is this really possible? Does bdsm necessarily have to involve sex? Have others been able to approach it this way?
I am 59. After so many years together (no kids) with care, love and friendship – breaking up seems very hard to do and if this can work, I’d like give it a shot. But am I just fighting the inevitable with this open lifestyle? Will this inevitably lead somewhere else emotionally for him? I want him to be happy bdon’t also don’t want to drag through years more of hurt either. I need sex with emotional connection, and I’m hoping therapy combined with an outlet for now might work … Thoughts?
I am just recently out of this same exact situation. I dated my boyfriend for 4.5 years and discovered he was a Sub. He speaking to dom’s and engaging in internet sexual activity on a bdsm site..(sending nude photo’s to dom’s etc). I had strange feelings and found his registration in a secret email account. My heart sunk. I was able to read all his emails. I confronted him and he had no idea what to say. He tried to convince me that he could forget about BDSM. But I knew this was a big part of who he was. We talked about why he liked it etc. It took a LOT for him to open up about it. He struggled with feeling ashamed. He was in law enforcement and felt tired of always being dominant and in control. For him being a sub was a release from everyday life. It makes sense to me.
I tried some mild BDSM things with him to be supportive and have an open mind but deep down I felt disapointed and weirded out. I wasn’t happy pretending to like this new role. I also felt a lack of trust because he had gone behind my back and in my opinion “cheated”. When we first started dating I had just gotten out of another 4.5 year relationship and felt dispointed because I had hoped to be married and starting a family already..I think I started to focus more on wanting to get married then I did on my compatibility with the new guy.
We dated 4.5 years and it was in the last 8 months I discovered his fondness for BDSM. Among other things I felt unhappy with where we were living, the lack of a job market there, lack of being in a city etc. It seemed like a no brainer. He begged and pleaded and said everything he coulf to try to convince me we could fix this but I just felt it wasn’t true. I know he loves me. But I think he was definitly having an internal struggle. I support and love him but I know who I am. I am vanilla. I feel that I gave it the benefit of the doubt by trying some of it (I even used a strap on).. oh jeez my stomach turns as I think about that. Anyway, I gave it a try because I felt bad that he felt like such an outcast and because I loved him. But this stuff BDSM is just not me. He was a great guy for the most part.
Here I am 29 and feeling bummed about this whole thing. But I am feeling comfort in reading a lot of this feedback here. Thank you to everyone who shared here. I came to this website because I wondered the same thing the poster did..Is a relationship really doomed if one person if vanilla and the other kink? I knew the answer but needed reassurance. It is just one of those days for me..and I miss him..But I know i’ve made the right decision. I hope that he finds happiness and makes peace with who he is.
I realize this post is very old, but someone in similar situations might find it and read the insight of those who responded.
I don’t know what the OP did, but I will throw in my two cents on things.
The LESS likely scenario is that the vanilla partner will have bsdm needs awoken in them with time. But I would not bet on that scenario. The other very important thing to note is that even people into bdsm can be at very different stages at different times. Someone just starting out might never DREAM that they will grow to love and even crave certain activities that they actually will down the line. So someone seasoned and the kinds of things they are into might scare them off and they would not even understand why those things are craved, EVEN if they are later wired to get into it.
The much much MUCH more likely scenario is that the vanilla partner will grow to maybe enjoy a few mild bdsm centered activities but not need or crave or even tolerate more than that. Meanwhile the one into heavy bdsm – just the fact that they are into heavy bdsm to begin with already means it is NOT gonna go away. In fact they are eventually going to be frustrated with unmet needs and start seeking outlets – often behind the back of their vanilla partner.
If a vanilla person finds themself in the situation of the poster, hedge your bets on scenario two, and END the relationship before you both get much more emotionally vested, get married, have kids and then inevitably face a MUCH greater issue down the line when you discover your partner is cheating on you. The risk here is GREAT.
Yes, there is a tiny chance that one day you might grow to appreciate and need his needs and then regret breaking it off. But honestly, the chance is so tiny that its not worth considering and even if it happens, you can fully excuse your decision to flee with the very big fact that you were not ready for that kind of badm intensity at THAT stage of your life. The pain suffered will be SIGNIFICANTLY less than if you stay in the relationship and grow it into a HUGE problem later.
This is one scenario in which love does NOT conquer all.
I was in exactly the same situation. My partner told me from the off that he was really into sM sex and relationships. As a very innocent girl I was really scared but stuck around because I loved him. Over time I was willing to try some things (like spanking, verbal power-play, tying up and eventually asphyxiation). All the while I thought I was doing it only because he liked it, but I DID cum pretty hard from some of it and started to ask for it.
I’m now with someone else and have discovered that I don’t like vanilla anywhere near as much as I enjoyed mild sM activities. I really regret the barrier I put up with my first boyfriend because it caused the break up of our relationship.
I understand that you have valid reasons, but from experience I would say to try some of the things he is suggesting on as mild a scale as possible. You might find you like it.
Finally…a “success story”!!!!
I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage but the scenario is the same as my marriage. My wife is vanilla I am not. However I don’t think any punishment or domination is right, but spanking works a treat as foreplay and it’s something I ask for which adds the spice for me. After twenty years she says she is switched on by seeing me switched on so it can work.
I just recently got into the same situation and I agree that things need to be established early on in a new BDSM relationship no matter what type it may be. Expectations, roles, and rules need to be taken into consideration so both can agree on terms of the relationship when exploring boundaries.Talk things out and don’t flip out and assume something about your partner always take their feelings and beliefs into consideration if u can bare to in some cases if you love them you will overcome them if not then it may not be the right BDSM relationship or partner for you. Goodluck and Hope my relationship blossoms into a wonderful thing. BDSM relationships can last a long time and have benefits that traditional benefits lack in assuring trust respect and honesty.
Hi
Just found out my husband of 8 years has been cheating for 6 of them with various dommes. The last one he fell in love with and screwed him for a load of cash. He started off with porn, then bdsm porn then eventually the real thing. During our marriage we tried ‘light bdsm- handcuffs, cropsm blindfolds etc’ but he wasn’t interested – guess by then he had got too used to the real thing. He’s now in therapy for sex addiction as this is just one of his ways of acting out and my marriage has been revealed as a sham ( he was into bdsm porn before I met him but never told me)
My advice, get out now while you’re safe and sane
K
Wow, this story is exactly like mine, only I spent 7 wonderful years with my man before realizing that his passivity in bed is because he is actually a sub and craves to be dominated, bonded, and whipped. I love him with all my heart, but am completely vanilla, and although I absolutely support different sexual preferences I just don’t see anything arousing in being a dominatrix (no negative past experiences – I am just so). He knew that, and he was keeping his real needs away from me all these years because a) he didn’t want to make me feel obliged to do stuff I don’t like and b) it wouldn’t be fun for him if he new I was only pretending.
All this I’ve found out only when our relationship broke – after I cheated on him with another guy. I really didn’t mean to, but somehow it happened and I suddenly realized everything I’ve been missing in bed for so long: the connection, the feeling that I am enough for the other person, that he is not somewhere else in his thoughts. I am ashamed of myself for leaving my beloved partner for what is essentially ‘just a sex problem’, and some of my friends can’t understand that. But I don’t know what else to do – although I love my ex dearly, and we have wonderful connection on all other levels, can we pretend this can all work out without a true connection in bed?
Anyhow, based on my experience so far: it’s probably doomed. But I would appreciate other opinions. Vanilla Girl, what did you do at the end?
For me, “kink” is much more than sex or desire. It IS a way of communicating that is part of the fundamental conversation between me and my lover. It is as much a part of my core identity as my bisexuality is. People can make loving relationships with all sorts of “non-compatible” sexualities between them, but one can also build incredible emotional intimacy through all kinds of sexual behaviour.
I’m going through the same thing with my lover. What started out as me trying to be open and adventurous in trying out his kink came to a screeching halt just this past weekend when we went to an all-kink/all-the-time weekend together. The scene in the dungeon made my flesh crawl and I felt like I’d suddenly descended to the 7th layer of hell. I didn’t even realize the extent of my cognitive dissonance over this, just knew that I was becoming increasingly tense and fearful anytime we started to become intimate. The problem is, we’re great friends, totally in sync in the default setting, really enjoy each others’ company. But I can’t go there and he wants to live there.
Soooo, we’ve opened up the relationship, and we’ll see how that goes. But I have to say that I’m not confident that we’ll last longer than a few more months. We have commitments we’ve made, artwork we’re collaborating on, but once it’s delivered, I’m thinking we’ll both just sort of lose interest and move on. Needless to say, I’ve put my heart back in its hard shell so as to prevent further knocks. *sigh*
amathema, you make a very good point. For the OP and for Jane and some others, seeing a D/S relationship in the bedroom and a connection between the partners in said relationship emotionally is impossible. For them it won’t work whether due to unresolved abuse issues, actual abuse in the current relationship or simple personal preferences.
I agree with you, however, than some of us can have a sometimes (or always) “Kinky” side to our relationship sex and still have a very very deep connection with our lover. Respect and D/S activities are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, in most healthy animated exploitative sexual relationships, respect has to be there IN ORDER for the “kink” to be accepted. In most D/S relationships (meaning “Dominant/Submissive” as opposed to the more judgmental “Sado/Masochistic”) the TRUST is so deep in order for the activities to take place and for the members of the couple to feel SAFE and often the trust becomes even deeper, when one knows one’s lover is ‘that close’ to the edge and still can respect, love and honor you, and you can do the same with him/her.
I don’t think people who haven’t explored this variation of sexual play are going to understand, and I guess that’s OK. A D/S sexual relationship or even mild D/S play is certianly NOT for everyone. One has to have one’s head on straight, one has to trust one’s partner and the partner has to be the same. One also has to desire these activities and know how to participate in them in a safe sane manner. (Although to Outsiders, it may not appear safe or sane, it certainly can be, and IMO SHOULD be.)
I understand why some people don’t want kink in their sex lives and that’s perfectly OK, but I think if D/S activities are an important part of someone’s Love Map (as Kinsey called the complicated web of what turns you on and keeps you turned on) exclusively “Vanilla Sex” is not going to keep them happy, and if someone wants nothing to do with D/S activities, then even contemplating these activities may make then not only resentful, but scared and even physically ill. D/S is simply not for these people. Although, it is healthy for many of us, someone who has these reactions to is wouldn’t be healthy if participating either emotionally against their actual will, or not understanding WHAT D/S is about.
There are all kinds of sexual styles and the way I see it, a hard core D/S aficionado and a vanilla lover will no longer make it together than a relationship where one partner is GLBT (and trying to suppress it) and gets involved with a Hetero person of the opposite sex.
There’s nothing “wrong” with D/S play, nor is there anything “wrong” with vanilla leanings, but the two don’t usually work together. Both partners eventually start wanting then needing something else, resentment builds, and honestly, if the OP thinks her partner may do something to “scare” her, she is simply in the wrong relationship.
I hope they can both find people whose sexual Love Maps are more in tune with what works for them.
The answer is Yes, you should break up with him. The two of you are not right for one another, and if you don’t break up with him, he will with you, probably sooner than later.
He will not change, and you will become increasingly unhappy with one another. Face the unfortunate truth and meet someone else you can be truly happy with. Not this guy.
@Jane. Um . . . wow. We are all entitled to our own experiences, and I certainly get that *for you* kinky sex with this person was not communication. But it seems a bit much to extrapolate from your one experience to all of human endeavor.
Human experience is rich and varied. What works for me doesn’t have to work for you. But to posit that indulging ones desires and building an emotional connection are polar opposites? That’s just . . . odd to me. That implies that when one is building a connection, one is not fulfilling desires. And that just sounds counterintuitive and a little sad. I want the filthy perverted sex *and* the emotional bonding, and don’t think I’d be too happy in a relationship where I had to choose one or the other.
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 2.5 years who I broke up with last year. When it comes down to it, if one person looks at sex as a way to emotionally bond, while the other looks at it as a way to act out his/her desires, it’s just going to be difficult. It was difficult for me to separate the man who called me slut and begged me to use nipple clamps in the bedroom from the man he was in his day to day life. When I sat down and thought about it, I realized that I use sex to connect with another person, and I couldn’t compromise on something that was so important for me.
If it’s important to you to have more run-of-the-mill sex (and that’s TOTALLY ok!), don’t tolerate someone degrading you in the bedroom. It will just make you resent him more outside of the bedroom.
I would run the other way from a guy who was into BD/SM. I think she needs to talk to him about it and probably break up with him.
I absolutely, positively, do not think she should try being kinky. Given her history, she could make herself completely frigid. But I also think she shouldn’t have to justify her preferences by saying she had a history of abuse. Nobody should ever feel weird saying that they don’t want to and will never, ever want to try being slapped or humiliated. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way.