Your Call: How Can I Orgasm with My Partner?
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
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Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 30-year-old woman and my partner and I have been sexually active for sometime now, and I’m never had an orgasm with him. He tries his hardest to help me orgasm but I never do. I’m starting to feel like there is something wrong! Should I see my doctor and speak with her about it?
Feeling Blue
What should F.B. do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below.
For me I know it’s all in my head. If I’m really stressed, no way I’ll get there. If I have some sort of issues with my lover, no way. Etc etc. If, however, I can manage to be on good terms with my own self and my lover – boom! Or if I can manage to stay in the kind of denial that allows for relaxation! 😉 This probably varies, perhaps some women can get off simply by using the right mechanics. I agree with the above, if you make coming a goal of the sex session, it can be hard if the pressure is already on. Then again, how can you not make it a goal? This is why it’s hard to have sex just for the fun of it if you haven’t orgasmed in a while.
“He tries his hardest to help me orgasm but I never do.”
This might sound silly or obvious but are you relying on him to get you there or are you taking a, um, hand in the process as well?
I’m asking because for many years I thought of myself as the “provider” of orgasms not just for myself but for my partners as well. I didn’t become a good lover, I don’t think, till I learned that orgasms aren’t given so much as shared or even taken.
This is particularly important, I think, for two big reasons. First, because taking an active role (either with your fingers or perhaps by actively grinding and otherwise moving to maximize your sensation) helps you both learn — obviously him but maybe not so obviously you — what will really get you off when you’re together. As opposed to what you and he might think should get you off. Second, though, because by relaxing into it and not making it about his performance or ability you’re more likely to end up surprised if it happens by itself.
tfl