Your Call: How Do I Subtly Find Out My Friend’s Penis Size?

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

How do you get your friend to tell you the size of his, er, meat, when he’s straight and you’re not? Thank you.

— Meat Eater

How do you think Meat Eater should approach this delicate matter of size? In case it affects your reply, we’re assuming this guy wants to know as a simple matter of comparison, i.e. to find out whether he’s above or below average. Either way, you can leave your advice in the comments section below.



  1. The only way to find out a friend’s penis size, since there is no standard sizing nomenclature (like a shoe’s 11D) and because they’re irregularly shaped and three dimensional, is to see it in the light or feel it in the dark.

    Neither is going to happen in an inoffensive way, unless you’re in high school and play on the same sports team (being the latter, seeingit in the light).

    If you asked, and he’d recently done a water displacement test and gave you the exact volume measurement in cubic centimeters, would that mean anything to you anyway?

  2. Johnny nailed it – on both answers. Been there, been creeped out, got the heebie jeebies to show for it. And, yes, it definitely made me appreciate the women’s perspective on this.

    Just don’t expect him to remain a friend after you’ve delivered this valuable social lesson.

  3. … there is a silver lining to situations like this, though: getting creeped on by gay guys teaches straight guys a valuable lesson in what it’s like.

    Thanks to a small handful of inappropriate gay guys, I know what it’s like to be sexually harassed. I know what it’s like to get a totally out-of-line sexual proposition from a grown man. Sometimes when you’re alone, sometimes when it’s dark out.

    It’s disgusting and potentially scary. It taught me a lot about what women must go through. Think it’s flattering when you make comments about her body, or how horny she makes you? Think she secretly likes the attention when you hit on her for the tenth time, or when a guy looks her up and down, sneers, and goes, “daaayuum, dat asssss…”? Think again. It makes your skin crawl.

    It’s something every straight guy should go through at least once, as sensitivity training. You know what? Fuck it. Ask your straight friend about his dick. It may end your friendship, but you’ll be doing a public service by enlightening the guy.

  4. You mean you’re a gay guy, and you want to know the size of your straight friend’s dick? Can I presume that sexual attraction, rather than locker-room bro curiosity, has piqued your interest?

    Don’t do it, dude. That’s the sort of thing that makes open-minded straight guys not want to be friends with gay guys anymore.

    You’re going to creep the guy out. Just whack off to your straight friend, and in your fantasies, his dick can be whatever size you want it to be.

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