Your Call: I Was Bi, But Now I’m Not Attracted to Men. What Happened?

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 21 year old woman who realized she was bisexual about a year ago, but recently my sexual desire for men has disappeared. My sex drive is fine, and my attraction to women is still there, but I don’t feel anything for men any more.

I’ve asked my mother and some friends, and they said it could be because I’ve been heavily depressed, but I’ve been clinically depressed for years and it hasn’t affected me that way at all. And, as I said, I’m still attracted to women — in fact my attraction to women has increased.

Was I just a lesbian all along? Do all bisexuals go through phases? I’ve been like this for weeks, and I’m worried I’ll never love men again.

— Bye-Bi Birdie

What’s your advice for Bye-Bi Birdie? Leave your thoughts in the feedback section below.




  1. “Was I just a lesbian all along? Do all bisexuals go through phases? I’ve been like this for weeks, and I’m worried I’ll never love men again.”

    Why are you worried? Maybe you have not met someone recently who you are attracted to and you just need to meet the right guy. Maybe, as Nikki says, it’s just part of your being sexually fluid and currently your focus is on women. Maybe it has something to do with your depression, or not. Unless your current lack of sexual attraction to men is causing problems in your life, is this something you really need to be concerned with? People change. Things we like, or dislike, at one time in our life can be something we’re attracted to at another time in our life. Other than a curiousity as to why the change, I don’t know why you’d be overly concerned unless this is affecting your ability to interact with people (beyond a decision to not sleep with men who you are not sexually attracted to).

    Instead of worrying about whether you are bi, lesbian, something else, concern yourself with being a person interacting in the world. If you are sexually attracted to women and want to have relations with them, fine. If you find yourself sexually attracted to men and want to have relations with them, fine. However, why worry about the label to attach to yourself so long as you are developing healthy relationships.

  2. You should look up “fluid.” That might be you. Some people’s sexual orientation shifts over time. In fact, some people identify their sexual orientation as fluid. There is research out there suggesting that fluid sexuality may be far more common than we think, especially among women.

    I am sorry you are dealing with depression. As far as your attractions go, I think pointing to the depression is a red herring, or an attempt to pathologize your current lack of attraction to men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attracted to men, even if you used to be. You might become attracted to men in the future, or you might not. You might still be bi, or you might be a lesbian. But don’t let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn’t be attracted to.

  3. Disclaimer: I am not Bi.

    However, I know I go through sexual phases. Sometimes I’m more interested in butts & sometimes I’m more interested in boobs. Sometimes I’m thinking about oral sex and sometimes I just want vaginal sex. Sometimes I’m interested in the same thing for a month or two and sometimes I want as much variety as possible.

    I think it would be perfectly normal for a bisexual to go through phases as well and a couple of weeks is too short of time to lose your status as bisexual.

    To be perfectly honest, after my son was born I was so tired that I barely thought about sex in any way for a month or two and that didn’t make me asexual because I’m back to a fairly normal sex life now.

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