Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
I’m 20 years old and a virgin. In high school I always said I was going to wait until marriage, so I didn’t have to “waste” my virginity on some asshole who only wanted to use me for sex, and so I could be with that one guy for the rest of my life.
As I got into college and really seeing how things are, relationships, etc. I realized that waiting til marriage really doesn’t have many advantages. If you are very religious and are doing it for that reason then it’s different. But like me not being religious, why wait so long? Like others have said, you can only hold out for so long before you venture into that weird age where virginity isn’t common.
Waiting may make it so you avoid getting hurt, but heartbreak is going to happen no matter what, if you didn’t want that then don’t date at all, ever.
What you should focus on instead is if that particular guy is worth it. Yes, you may break up down the road but thats life. It shouldn’t take long to see if he’s really in it for the right reasons. Some girls may get unlucky and think they found someone “perfect” then when everything is said and done he turns into a totally different individual. But the chances of that aren’t too great and if you are really using good judgement you should be able to tell the good from bad.
I’m not waiting til marriage but obviously I refuse to have sex with the first guy that wants to date, what I expect is someone who accepts the fact that I am a virgin and also have basically no sexual experience in any foreplay besides kissing. Some may not like that and don’t want to be “teachers” but others don’t mind. Again, that saves me from wasting time with someone who doesn’t want what I have to offer and my time isn’t wasted if you are UPFRONT about things. That is the key!!
If a guy respects me, understands my situation and what I want out of a relationship, and we meet on the same page, sex will happen in good timing, no point in waiting a year or longer “just because”.
You just need to realize that if you wait too long, then it only gets more difficult to find possible partners. Even at 20, which is young, I find it difficult to find guys who are okay with what I want.
Not to be harsh but don’t be such a prude about it, let things happen how they should and just go with what feels right. If you have sex and later on you break up, then hey, at least you learned right? That only means you can try again with someone else until you do find that right person to stay with forever.
if a guy dosent get any for more than 5 years from hIS virgin girlfriend than it means 2 things. hes cheating with someone who will give it up or he cant get anyone ealse so hes stuck with you.
You should absolutely wait for a guy that deserves you, and if the number of schmucks out there starts to get you down, just consider it weeding out the ones you don’t want anyways!
For the record, I was 27 when I lost my virginity. I wondered for years whether I’d ever find someone worth the while, and fluctuated between times of wanting to wait (possibly even for marriage) versus sleeping with whoever to get it out of the way. Yes, I was dumped a few times for it, once just for being a virgin in the first place. However, I met the right guy and am so glad I didn’t waste intimacy on men who didn’t care about me. Regardless of my lack of history, we have great sex. Plus, I don’t hold back because I trust him, but I would’ve been much more self-conscious with someone I wasn’t sure about (which I’m sure would’ve felt a lot less great to both of us!). Wait as long as you need to find, and be sure of, a worthwhile man.
And to the guys on here to say to not wait around for a virgin? I made my man wait 2 months. Hardly a long time… he would’ve waited a lot longer if I’d wanted. If you don’t value a woman enough to want her in your life more than you want sex, then you should get out – because you clearly want a hookup, not a relationship.
A few other practical reasons for waiting for someone worthy:
1) you have enough confidence and self-esteem by now (in your 20s) to amplify your regret if you give it away to a jerk.
2) It may hurt a bit the first time, and you want someone who cares enough to make you enjoy it as much as he does
3) If you don’t enjoy it, how much WORSE will you feel?
4) a bad experience can make you think you’re bad at sex…which doesn’t bode well for the next time… (if he’s not in tune with you it is NOT your fault)
5) can you be sure his health record is clean?
I really think it depends on the man. Some guys are okay with waiting, while others, as piggish as it is, expect some “fun” sooner than u’d think.
I do believe, however, that at some point, ur going to hit an age where u have to have some sexual experience- or ur going to reach 30-40 yr old virgin status, and just like the movie: it’ll shock everyone around u.
The thing that can make giving ur virgnity up much much harder, is not willing to learn ANYTHING.
U don’t have to give up ur virginity, ever- but at least learn some other things. U can’t expect us, the men, to do everything and always take the initiative sexually- u have to learn some things and make a move too.
I’ve dated a few virgins, and frankly, I respected it, I didn’t apply pressure, I didn’t get upset at them, but at the very same time: They had no sexual skills whatsoever.
Now….that’s perfectly okay, because everybody has to start somewhere- but the problem is: If u never start learning, ur gonna pass up quite a few good guys that u could’ve learned and grown together with.
Not willing to give ur virginity up is ur choice and there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at all- but at the very same time: U gotta have SOME sexual skills, so ur partner recieves SOMETHING in the bedroom.
If 4th base is off limits to u, then balance it out with AWESOME 2nd and 3rd base techniques- because if u know NOTHING, nor are u willing to learn anything at all- it might not pan out too well.
There’s no point in going to a bedroom, if all ur gonna do is kiss. U can kiss on a bench, on a couch, in the park, in a car- u can kiss in alot of places- but going beyond that: that’s what the bedroom’s for. So unless ur willing to learn some things- don’t go to the bedroom.
I am going on 22 and I’m still a virgin, but Im waiting till marriage, I understand how it feels to want the right guy that will love you just for you and not what they can get. I’m very annoyed with my friend because he doesnt want a slut so he feels i should give it up to him, but I dont have any attraction to him like that, I value our friendship but at the same time I want to avoid him. Every guy i like finds out im a virgin and tries to figure out ways into getting me to give it up, thank god i am strong and i know that i am not ready so they always lose against me.My thing is as I get older I still cant find mr right, i feel that its some ways my bffs fault, he was a long time virgin and we fell in love with each other but then he moved to texas and gave it up to some tramp. I feel that I should just stay single and prepare to graduate and travel the world but my friend think that I’m just running away from relationships because i dont think my right guy will come. my point is this feeling happens, just be proud that you lasted longer than many, I watched many of my fiends give it up and they all have kids and ass holes for the father. Dont let society nature influence yours view. That guy that is worthy will come sooner than you think, just have to stop looking for him 😉
Am 21,still a virgin tho!?!jux waiting 4 the ryt guy 2 break it cuz i wud leave 2 regret it al my lyf,when jux sm guy use me n dump me?gosh,it wud be ridiculous!?!if u can’t wait,then go find ur compatible match!?!
Make his sorry ass wait for sex? Absolutely. I’m 20 years old and I lost virginity to a prostitute who was so loose, it felt like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
If the douchebag only wants sex, he should go to Las Vegas and get some hookers.
I personally dislike women who are purposely not virgins, because they wanted to have sex with whoever they want.
That’s not very nice for the guy you fall in love with, now is it?
Crap like that is why I never knew my own biological father.
I have dated this girl for 3 complete years and I have always been asked to wait for her to be ready. We have been very intimate, moreover, we romance, kiss, caress but I am very tired of waiting for sex. It is part of the relationship & an important one. Recently, I think of checking out for a compatible person since we don’t have some wants in common. Is right please?
There are guys that will wait and guys that won’t. I’ve dated 3 guys who couldn’t wait for me and ended the relationship within 4-5 months. My current boyfriend, whom I lost my virginity to, waited a year and a half for me (and he was getting lots before dating me). What I’m trying to say is, don’t give in to just any guy. If a guy respects you and your decision, then there’s no time that’s considered too long to wait. And if he does wait until you’re comfortable, however long that may be, he’s a definite keeper!
About 2 weeks. Don’t get angry abotu it. Just tell her that you think there is nothing wrong with it. That sex to you is not the only part but an important part of relationships. If she doesnt want to, thats fine, but you will move on. To win them, you got to be willing to loss them.
One point to understand is: virginity is not synonymous with virtue. If a woman thinks it is, out of religious or other conviction, she is entitled to live according to her precept but most women do not adhere to such an antiquated and ridiculous notion. There is a very happy middle between prudery and promiscuity and prudery is just that when disguised as “morality.” Women should not sleep with a guy unless they want to but if they put it off unduly, they will find their precious virginity is a “gem” nobody wants.
I feel your pain Wynona the same thing happened to me. I was 23 and a virgin when I met him, he said and did all the right things. He told me he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he would do anything for me. After a couple of months of dating I had fallen for him and we slept together. It felt right and I had never felt so happy in my entire life. I never saw him again. He had used me but what made it worse was that I was no longer a silly teen. I couldn’t just chalk this mistake up to being a stupid kid. I was an adult and I had waited so long to lose my virginity it shouldn’t have happend this way. The guy in question showed no remorse when I asked him why he had done this, in fact, his facade immediately dropped and he resorted to calling me all sorts of horrible names. This happened 4 years ago but I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life.
When I just turned 21, I was manipulated by this demon guy 7 yrs my senior. He’s my first bf, first kiss. He only used me for sex, and I thought he’s in love with me. Coz he said he loves me too much he wanted to do it with me. Right before sex he was the sweetest thing on earth, the moment right after sex, he’s turned into his demon self, in a snap. Now, 10 yrs have passed and I still consider it as the biggest regret of my life.
^ Agreed. As a younger man I saw many young women wait for love, the right guy, etc. Except they’d inexplicably KEEP waiting once they met that guy! Great guy, great chemistry, PERFECT opportunity – and still they wait. Usually the relationship would end, they’d realized that they missed their chance, then they’d “give it up” to an asshole out of regret.
And having been that young man who “waited” right along with her, my advice to guys is always to move on if you’re not getting laid in a time frame that you find acceptable. Waiting sucks, especially considering that it might not even happen. Don’t pressure her. Don’t “communicate” about it. Just leave and find a woman who’s on the same page as you.
i think you should of just put out with the first guy you fell inlove with because your’e the next 40 year old virgin and life is short as fuck so enjoy sex before it wrinkerly haha