Your Call: Is Backdoor Play Gay?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

For a while now my girlfriend and I have been enjoying anal play, both of us giving and receiving, even with toys. My question is: is this ethically wrong on my part or hers? I mean we both get pretty turned on by it. I always thought gay men did anal so does that mean I’m gay? I love my girlfriend and love being with her and never dream of another guy — yuck! Plus, she likes feeling in control. She told a couple of her girlfriends and now they want to find a guy like me who is open to exploring what a man’s body can actually do. Am I just over-thinking this or are we seriously goofy?

This one is obviously a gimme.


  1. Before I answer if anal play makes you gay, answer me this:

    Does going down on your girlfriend make you a lesbian?

  2. As the people above have stated, asking if this is “gay” is pretty ridiculous. Lot’s of people do it these days – my wife and I included. I’m not gay – althought I would love to try it with a guy – so I guess I kind of am. O’well.

  3. assplay is not gay unless you are. you’re not the only one whos into this, i promise. even if you did fantasize about a dude doing it to you, doesnt have to mean you are gay either. maybe just a little bit.

  4. When will people stop worrying if something is “gay” or “straight”. I believe sexuality comes in shades of gray. If it feels good and you are with a consenting partner how can it be ethnically wrong?

  5. HA! Well, there are 2 questions in this letter:

    (1) Is this behavior gay?

    (2) Is gay behavior unethical?

    These are both ridiculous questions. Honestly.

  6. 1) Yeah, what Dannie said. Gay men have zippers on their pants, buttons on their shirts, and they brush and floss their teeth too. Brushing your teeth doesn’t make you gay, it just makes your girlfriend or wife a lot more interested in having sex with you. Having more sex with your girlfriend does not make you gay.

    2) Your girlfriend’s women friends are implicitly saying they’d be interested in a sexual relationship with you (assuming obviously that you weren’t with your girlfriend.) So. Would the idea of sex with any or all of your girlfriend’s female friends sound good to you? Then you’re not gay.

    It actually wouldn’t be much of a problem if you were “gay” a.k.a. bisexual in your case, obviously. But there’s nothing at all in your question, or behavior, that suggests you’re even the tiniest bit gay. You just really enjoy ass play.


    p.s. Let’s put it this way: enjoying giving and receiving ass play doesn’t make your girlfriend gay? So why would enjoying it with her make you gay?

  7. Just starting to explore this with my wife of many years. So far, we both like it a lot and plan to keep it going and see where it leads. And I have NO desire to do this with anyone besides my wife mainly because I wouldn’t trust anyone else enough to let them put anything in my butt.

  8. It’s only gay if you’re having sex with a man. Gay men do anal, but they also have oral sex, so by your proxy reasoning, would having oral sex with your girlfriend make you gay, too? NO. Gay men kiss one another, too. So if you kiss your girlfriend, does that make you gay? NO. Gay men might hold hands sometimes, so if you hold hands with your girlfriend…you get the picture? Sexuality is rather defined by with whom you’re doing it on a regular basis via your own desire, not by the activities involved. It’s not unethical if you’re both consenting adults. Yes, this is a silly question; continue to have great sex, and stop worrying about it!

  9. “My question is: is this ethically wrong on my part or hers?”

    No. Why would it be ethically wrong to stick things in butts, even if it is “gay”?

    “does that mean I’m gay?”

    Only if it’s a man sticking things in your butt or vice-versa.

    “never dream of another guy…”

    Sure ya haven’t, buddy. Whatever you say.

    “…she told a couple of her girlfriends and now they want to find a guy like me who is open to exploring what a man’s body can actually do.”

    I can think of a “guy like you.” YOU! Be that guy! Girl butt-gangbang! Don’t you see it!? It’s right in front of you! Aw man, I’d SO let my girlfriend and all her friends have their way with me.

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