Your Call: I’ve Been Faking Orgasms with BF for Years

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I love him more then anything, we really connect. We have had a lot of sex, but I have a confession: I’ve never hit the high note. I fibbed telling him I did and now it;s gone on way too long to spill that I have never gotten off. I have tried all sorts of tricks that I have read in Cosmo but nothing works. I have come close but then it always goes away.

Don’t get me wrong, it does feel good, but he’s the only guy I have ever been with, so I have nothing to compare it to. I get him to do the things I like, and still no orgasm. Even when I do it myself, I don’t get off. I’ve never had a orgasm in my life. I want to try a vibrator, because I think that might do the trick.

— Pants on Fire in All the Wrong Ways

What should Pants do?


  1. You need more foreplay. Or less. IF you can get him to try that without telling him why, you may not need to tell him, I have literally gotten off after my husband did, while he was soft on a number of occasions thanks to him understanding my need for that. The first time I ever got off was with my husband despite having kids from previous relationships even.

  2. Ok,
    Here’s the thing- Orgasm is a word that is incompatible with the concept of “should”…
    You have this idea of what an orgasm should be like. And the fabulous thing (which can also be the frustrating thing) is that the more you grab for the “right” sensation, the more elusive it will be.
    Just slow down and enjoy what you DO feel. Keep paying attention the the enjoyment you get and the sensations in your pussy.

  3. i think that not telling your boyfriend is hurting you the most in this situation.
    us as men have overly large ego`s..but if a man truly cares about his women , he will do anything to make sure that you have an enjoyable sexual experience.
    i`ve read many articles on sex, many stated that in order to achieve an orgasm you need some kind of mental stimulation aswell as physical.
    along with dildo`s and toys try to understand your body more, what makes you tick and what doesn`t.
    in order for a partnership to be successful it is essential to have good communication on all aspects not just some things..
    lastly, i would stongly advise you talking to your bf about it.because if he loves you he will put his best foot forward in pleasing you.

  4. I think it’ll make him feel less bad about it, when you do tell him, if you make it clear you’ve NEVER had an orgasm. That way, he knows it really, really isn’t about anything he’s doing “wrong,” just that you have a harder time getting there than some do. Also, make it clear that what he DOES do feels good!!

    I *thought* I hadn’t ever had an orgasm for a long time, because my experience of it is a little different from how I was interpreting what it said in the magazines. Eventually, I had a really intense orgasm for the first time (during penetrative sex, btw), and realized after many more both on my own and with partners that I had been having some orgasms all along… they just can vary in intensity. Maybe I’m weird, but that was my experience.

    Vibrators don’t do it for me. It’s in large part about mental/emotional state for me, and the buzzing ruins it. But lots of women like them, so worth a shot!

  5. Now in my mid forties I don’t get off as easily as before. When I was in my teens and twenties I could get off three or four times in a night with girls I loved. Now, some nights I don’t get off at all and my wife wonders why after all she is beautiful and oriental. She blames it on porn and masturbation. Not admitting to anything, however, they are both wonderful, especially together.

    I have had girlfriends in the past that enjoyed that too, and we could do them together and sometimes finish together, but my wife is not comfortable with it. Watching hot movies and masturbating is something she was simply taught not to do by, whoever? She says she has orgasms when I do and doesn’t when I don’t.

    I think you should buy a vib even better a dil since men do not naturally vibrate down there. Join an adult bookstore and bring a couple of movies home once every week or two if he likes porn, which most men do, and masturbate together as well as doing each other sometimes during your movie night. Later as you two get to know each other this way better you can go to the adult store and select material together. This will help bring you two insync with each other and when he is at work or away, get out the movie and enjoy it alone prolonging your orgasms as long as possible, soon, they will come naturally. And of course, don’t really tell him why, just say that you have a secret porn fetish and you want to share it with him. It will work like majick. Good Luck

  6. Vibrator vibrator vibrator.
    As the other ladies have said, it will allow you to pinpoint what that feeling is and then work towards that when you’re with your boyfriend.

  7. …also, Kegels. Front, middle and back – as many times a day as you can, as many times as you can. (I did actually get that advice from Cosmo back in the mists of time, and it did work for me, so just in case you haven’t tried it, I thought it might be worth suggesting.)

  8. Stop reading Cosmo! I, like you, was in a situation where I’ve never orgasmed, but told my bf that I did. However, once I stopped reading Cosmo and started to focus on what truly works for me (and not what they say should work), I experienced my first orgasm. It wasn’t with my boyfriend, but during a solo session. But once I was able to pinpoint what I liked (and how an orgasm felt like), achieving one during sex wasn’t an issue any more.

    First of all, an orgasm isn’t the same for every woman. Reading accounts on how it might feel like from a magazine won’t do you any good. Find some time alone first to really experiment. Try a few vibrators and don’t forget to relax. I really think that achieving an orgasm is 60% mental and 40% physical. If you keep focusing on reaching that big-O, you may never reach it. But if you just pay attention to the different sensations you’re experiencing, you should be on your way to an orgasm.

    Also, sometimes being selfish during sex isn’t a bad thing. After you’ve figured out what you like, try having some time with your boyfriend where it’s all about your pleasure. And the best part? He may actually enjoy focusing solely on you.

    I wish you much success. An orgasm can be elusive for us women sometimes, but all it takes is some patience and experimentation.

  9. I totally feel your pain. And thus, this will be insanely long (sorry). I have never been able to orgasm with my boyfriend of over a year (the only guy I’ve slept with) or on my own. It can be very disheartening. One thing that is especially irritating is the way so much advice is worded. “You know you’ve gotten to the big O all by yourself girlfriend, so just make your man do that to your hoo-hah during when you get down and dirty!” The advice sucks as much as the writing (which is a lot). But it seems like there are a lot of women like us.

    However, the difference between you and I is that my boyfriend knows I never have, and trust me, it’s a weight off your shoulders. I think you really need to sit down and have a talk with him, or you might end up doing what I did: bursting into angry, frustrated, acutely embarrassing tears in the middle of sex. It is unpleasant and isolating and ultimately harmful to your relationship to not tell him about it. That said, do it very delicately, and be really honest. Tell him why you were afraid to…well, tell him. Tell him why you fake it. Tell him that women are a lot more complicated than guys physically (sad but true), and you don’t think he sucks, you need a little more work to be understood (and to understand yourself). If he does take it the wrong way, keep emphasizing that it’s nobody’s fault and that you want to work on the issue together.

    I think a big first step, after telling him, is figuring out the root of your orgasm problems. I recommend the book “The Elusive Orgasm.” I recently got it, and it at least helped me figure out why I can’t orgasm. It also has ideas on how to fix each problem. Like the poster above, for me, it’s mental stuff. And once you know the problem, you can start trying things to fix it in a way that fits you. I’m currently overseas and don’t get to see my boyfriend for another few months, but when I do I have lots of ideas to try out. I know it’s insanely hard, but don’t think, “okay, I’m going to try this thing and I’d damn well better have an orgasm this time.” Try to think of it as FUN, which sex is supposed to be. Think of it like you’re trying out a new (sexy) game, with someone you love. If you don’t think you have any mental hang-ups…there’s probably a good chance you’re not getting enough clitoral stimulation. I didn’t used to get how important that is during sex; I found it irritating that I have to do a bunch “extra work” to feel as good as I wanted to. My advice is, do the extra work. Use your hands, his hands, a vibrator, whatever. Don’t stay in a position where you can’t do either of the three for more than a few minutes. Even though I can’t orgasm, it makes sex SO much more pleasurable.

    Best of luck. I know it’s really, really hard. Get the support of your boyfriend, get a ton of clitoral stimulation, and be nice to yourself for being complicated.

  10. *disclaimer* I’ve never had an orgasm either, and I’ve tried many things, so take this with a grain of salt.

    Most women say that a vibrator can be essential to having your first orgasms, so I would definitely go for it.

    And yeah..I’d really consider not reading Cosmo anymore.

    Orgasms for women are often more about what’s going on in her head than in/on her body (getting my head right is my problem), so keep in mind that it’s best not to think of orgasms as something someone can “give” you if they just did the right move.

    AND I hope you’re talking about oral, because the majority of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone (yes, some do, but it’s not a good idea to expect it).

    And people might disagree, but I think it’s really important that you be honest with your boyfriend about it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and he should not take it as a reflection on him. Of course many men would take it as that, based on how we’ve educated men in this society, so it will take some really gentle, well-thought out conversations, but I do think it’s necessary. And it would be great if he could help you (just by being supportive and helping you try new things).

    Also, the most important thing is to not dwell on having an orgasm. The more you stress out about it, and beat your self up, and make every sexual experience about attempting to have an orgasm, the harder it will be. Just try some new things and have fun.

    Now a couple of actual things you could try:

    1. Yes, a vibrator. Maybe even several different ones.
    2. A shower head or hot tub jet
    3. If you’re of age and in a really caring and respectful relationship, you could try having some wine or something beforehand. Might help your mind ease up a bit.
    4. Read erotica
    5. Watch female-friendly porn or steamy movies
    6. Talk about sex. Become comfortable talking about your body and what you want and like. Talk dirty, or just sexy with each other.
    7. Replace Cosmo with something that makes you feel better about who you are, rather than something that tells you what’s wrong with you.

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