Your Call: My Boyfriend Won’t Put in Any Effort

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. We seem to be getting a lot of bad boyfriend letters lately — maybe these women just need to hear your Greek Chorus in order to do what needs to be done. Say it in unison in the comments section below. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and I confronted him about him not putting any effort into hanging out or spending time with me. I live 45 mins away, and I’m the only one who drives for us to hang out. He said that he wants to see me more, that once a week is not enough, and that he wants me to challenge him because if I don’t he will walk all over me. What does this mean and what do I do?

— Driving Me Insane

What should DMI do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.





  1. I’ve always wanted my girlfriends to challenge me. But by challenging me, I wanted them to help me to be better at the things I actually did, not as an excuse to be a lazy bum.

    I echo what others say, challenge him by telling him he needs to come to you. If he doesn’t, there are plenty of other great guys out there that would be happy to come to you.

  2. “He wants me to challenge him because if I don’t he will walk all over me” – if he’s serious, break up with him. Spend some time looking at why you put up with this for 7 months. And then find a new boyfriend who treats you like a partner and best friend. Life is far too short to put up with these kind of incredibly destructive psychological games.

    Between his comments and lack of effort, I suspect that your boyfriend needs insight, motivation, and therapy. That’s his job, not yours.

    As a partner, I believe we should walk WITH our loved ones down the paths of our lives, but we cannot and should not try to walk those paths FOR them.

  3. Yeah, the “challenge me or I’ll walk all over you” comment is a huge red flag – he has announced that he intends to treat you as badly as you will put up with. I think you should evaluate why you are still with this guy. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of the relationship, other than the idea of having a boyfriend. If that’s the case, it’s time to cut this one loose.

  4. He’ll walk all over you if you don’t fulfill his bizarre conditions? He’s announced his intentions to be shitty to you. Do you really need advice on this one?

  5. That’s easy. Challenge him. Make him travel to you. Make him put in the effort. If not, move on.

  6. Apparently you’re not challenging him, because he’s walking all over you.

    If he wants to see you more, he can make that happen pretty easily by actually driving out to see you. I was all for giving him a chance until you said that he’s threatened to walk all over you unless YOU do something about it; that is a seriously douchey thing to say and a shitty way to act. I’m betting that saying that and not putting any effort into seeing you (while whining about it!) aren’t the only things that bother you about the relationship. Is this guy really worth it?

  7. Well does he have a legit excuse? Does he not own a vehicle or have a significantly more difficult financial situation than you? If so, you may have to just accept the reality of practical limitations.

    But, if he wants you to challenge him (which sounds like a cop out, btw) then do it. Tell him you’ll alternate weeks and if he doesn’t do his part you’re gonna dump him.

    I have actually been in an almost identical LDR situation with 2 separate dudes. One was just making excuses and not putting in any effort. So i ended it. The guy I’m with now really does put in the effort but i still end up driving more. It doesn’t matter though because the intention is there. You just gotta decide which category he falls in.

Comments are closed.