Dear Em and Lo,
I have a friend let’s call him “A”, we used to be closer, but as time has gone by, we probably see each other every other month or so, and the occasional email of non-importance (humor, etc). I’ve known for a while that “A” has had a crush on my wife. In fact all my friends think she is a catch.
“A” sends my wife emails several times a week, political commentaries, humor, a little bit of everything, but nothing too personal. My wife was recently hospitalized for several weeks. “A” went out of his way (30 or so miles) to see her several times a week. While she was in the hospital she was up all hours, and my friend would drunk dial her. During these conversations he would tell her about how much of a crush he has always had on her, how special he thought she was, how she should go to baseball games with him (season ticket holder), how he was lonely and needed a woman in his life, and would also ask her for advice on meeting women.
My wife was very upfront about this happening, and just blew it off as him being harmless, and that he was making up for the times when he had dropped the ball in years past when we had a mutual friend in the hospital, and he didn’t step up to the plate.
When I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends called me more than her, emailed me, flirted with me, drunk dialed me, etc., my wife said she got the picture and that it would be inappropriate.
Not more than 20 minutes later my wife said she was going to call him, to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations.
Now he is coming over for dinner.
I don’t have many close friends, so losing a friend really hurts. I know my wife isn’t attracted to him, but I still can’t stomach his behavior. I feel disrespected.
I have already been struggling with my lack of close friends, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, why I have acquaintances instead of friends, why I no longer have deeper friendships in my life? Believe me I am keeping my therapist busy.
Do I keep this friendship? Do I try and salvage it? Or do I walk away?
— Virtual Cuckold
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I chose the first one because my future husband and I have already been through this with one of his friends. My hubby doesn’t have many friends and no really close friends, so we can relate on not wanting to cut friends loose.
I let it go on for a little while to see if it was just harmless flirting or if he would try to act on it. Well, he did try to act on it and I shut him down quickly. He obviously held some respect for the friendship because he did stop after that. If he hadn’t have stopped I would have invited him over for a chat with me and my hubby and if that still didn’t work then we would have cut the friendship loose.
I believe that is what your wife was trying to do. She is opening up a way for you to express the disrespect that you feel and a way to possibly save a friendship, by inviting him to dinner. Your wife has already expressed that she has no interest in him, and by being open about it she has proven it, so you should have no worries about that area. However, if the dinner goes fine and he agrees to stop but doesn’t I would cut him loose.
As for not having many close friends, its okay if you don’t have many close friends. Most people only have a couple people they can relate to enough to be close. Just remember to be yourself and try not to censor yourself. If you censor yourself then people wont know the real you and wont be as close. I have also found that if you do become close to someone you have censored yourself around and you stop censoring you might loose them as a friend because they thought you were someone different. When I was younger I had one close friend and a few “friends at a distance” (you know, like your old school friends, you know them to well to be acquaintances but you don’t always hang out). I used to place a lot of importance into what people thought of me and the people around me could tell. When I came out of school I was past the point of caring what anyone thought and I had more friends. I stopped censoring myself and started letting people in, if they don’t like me it’s not my problem it’s theirs, we don’t have to see each other and if we do I will be as friendly as possible and not give them any reasons for impoliteness.
I hope this helps you. I’m pretty young and so very limited on experiences to base my advice from. I like to believe it comes from my previous years in counseling and the experiences both. I live by a lot of what I shared and I believe I have a pretty good life.
I agree with most of what’s been said here. VC’s friend is NOT a friend at all, in fact, an earlier post nailed it on the head when it pointed out that he is just trying to set him up as the ‘male friend’. Has anyone listened to Chris Rock’s definition of a “platonic friend”? He presents it like a “D–k in a glass case…Break in case of emergency”. He’s trying to lie in wait, until she’s vulnerable & then swoop in for the feast.
The wife is wrong as well, for her actions and her own behavior. Since she seems to indulge this guy, perhaps more IS going on than he thinks. What did they talk about in his numerous visits to her in the hospital? Obviously she enjoyed the company, or she wouldn’t encourage it…much less invite him over AFTER her hubby expressed displeasure with the continual contact. VC needs to talk to both of them separately and stop it immediately. Does he wait for the wife to tell him about all of these calls, or does he check-out her cell bill? If “A”s number is on there multiple times, with each conversation lasting over 20 minutes each time…he needs to keep those records for his divorce lawyer, b/c that’s EXACTLY how it starts. Maybe he’s a wimp and is too afraid to confront either of them…fearing “A” will kick his butt & his wife might leave. So what? Better to endure that now, then down the road when even MORE is invested in this sham of a respectful relationship.
Her inviting him to dinner to make sure HE wasn’t embarrassed was so clear. If we changed the sexes, you can be D*MN sure that my wife would put the kibosh on the friendship & threaten to leave if it continued…and well she should, if I did.
The wife should have told him to f’ off already he has disrespected her man and doesn’t deserve to be either of their friends. You cant be a friend if there is no respect or boundaries.
To the husband.. Man up guy.. Kick him to the curb.
As we both have read this! I must say I too am suprized you didnt pop this guy. “A” is absolutly NOT your friend he is disrespectful not only to you but to your wife and the sanctity of your marrage. Walk away from this individual he is nothing but problems and if you sir talkin to him doesnt work, then by all means protect your marrage and knock that idiot out! I also agree with Dee your wife is too at fault for not confronting him.
The wife should have put a stop to it a LONG time ago. She is enabling A. She obviously likes the attention regardless of the disrespect towards her husband. She should not take his emails, phone calls, or visits. She is just as wrong as A.
It is all about respect for your marriage. I have been struggling with a friendship I had to cut with my girlfriend because she was getting to innappropriate with my husband.She called it “harmless flirting”. I called it seducing. It was and still is very difficult to run into her. I never had to cut off a friend ever in my life, so, I understand how VC feels. Thank you all for your input here. I felt and still feel somewhat guilty for cutting off ties, but I don’t think she will ever change, and I was tired of competing for my husbands attention. My husband was not interested in her, but never shut her down because he didn’t think anything of it. He is just too nice sometimes. He mentioned once, years ago that he felt uncomfortable with her suggestions, but it was just a passing comment that he didn’t really press the issue. Now, I wish I had because it would have stopped this in the bud. She continued to get more and more flirty. Yes…he should have said something. It blew up big time when I found out some of the things she had been saying to him just to get a rise out of him, (her words). It’s not her place to get a rise out of my husband! I no longer speak to her, but it is still very difficult to see her in church of all places. Friends do not undermine your marriage. Period. I kick myself for being so stupid. I did see this character flaw in her years ago, but I didn’t think she would be doing this to My husband, because I thought she was a friend of mine. Little did I know. People don’t change. Worst part is, her husband is dying, and she continues to flirt. She says he’s ok with it. I look at it as totally disrepectful. Oh well. Thank you all for your opinions, it helps me alot knowing that cutting ties with someone is hard, but what alot of you would have done. I have never had to do this with anyone in my 50yr on this earth, and hopefully I’ll never have to do it ever again. VC, this can strengthen your marriage….it did mine. It brought out subjects that we never discussed before. Now we know how to handle this subject in the future. Go flirt with your wife, everyday, and I will guarantee, this will never happen again. I wish you well.
Doesn’t matter if you feel your wife is not attracted to your friend-she has not ignored his e-mails, visits or calling him-if you put a pu–y in front of a dog he will bite-it is not just the friend whose behavior is questionable here-your wife plays a part-it bothers you that this behavior is going on, you obviously do not find it acceptable-this issue is more about respect and perhaps your partners lack of true self esteem, and yours as well-partners work as a team, what hurts one has the ability to hurt the other as well.
Look up the word respect, trust your gut on how you feel about it, talk to your partner and then decide if this is okay for YOU-don’t try to be moderen and ‘do the right thing’ work from your own integrity.
I was once in your wifes position-and showed utter lack of respect caring or commitment to my previous boyfriend, I was selfish and self centered and ended up moving in with the ‘friend’. Both are my exes now-but my behavior in returning attention outside my relationship with my partner caused a lot of pain to our families and friends. Protect yourself-you are not the one exhibiting this behavior THEY are-take care of you.
My shame at my own led me to not date for years in order to work on my issues and not hurt others in the future. I was wrong and lacking and had no right to do what I did. But you decide what works for you.
Suggestion: switch the genders of both parties so that the story has a female telling another female to quit hitting on her husband….would you-all still recommend the same actions?
The guy needs to stop being such a wimp. Tell the dude to stop hitting on your wife, if you have to do this twice tell him with a bat.
He wonders why he has no friends. Who wants to have wimpy friends, makes you look bad.
Madamoiselle L, I’ll provide the translation 😉 : CAT was referring to my post that a person (commenter Fuzzy) who doesn’t like to be married and thinks couples should share sexually rather than be jealous probably shouldn’t be doling out marriage advice to people in traditional relationships, and I said it would be like “the Pope teaching a Sex Ed course…” And yes, dear CAT, I realize that the Pope (as well as other Catholic priests) is not necessarily a virgin, but–and this is just a wild assumption on my part–I’m guessing he may be slightly repressed, ill-informed, and otherwise not the most fun in bed, and therefore not the BEST person to be teaching that Sex Ed class…capite?
Because nothing says “I love you” quite like a plate of pasta to the face….
Cat, that’s lovely advice, of course, physical violence (especially when men direct it at women) solves EVERYTHING!
(Please note heavy sarcasm )
what does the Pope have to do with this?
Never mind.
P.S. THE POPE ISN’T A VIRGIN FOLKS SO GROW UP
AT DINNER TELL HIM THAT HE IS DIS’N YOU. TELL HIM IF HE DOSEN’T STAY FROM YOUR WOMAN HE WILL BE SMACKED. IF SHE DOSEN’T GET THAT MESSAGE TELL HERE TO HIT THE ROAD WITH WITH HIM RIGHT THERE. MAKE THAT THE LAST DINNER YOU HAVE WITH HIM. SHE DON’T LIKE IT – CHUCK SPAGETTI IN HER FACE; SEND HER PACKING SUPPER WITH AND FOR HIM. BOTH WILL EITHER HEAR YOU AND APOLOGIZE; OR NEGATE WHAT YOU SAY AS A “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, JUST FRIENDLY BANTER”. HE OBVIOUSLY DISRESPECTS YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE. WONDER WHY?
No…my point isn’t that it might not be hurtful to the marriage, or that he might not like it. I do get that a: he doesn’t like it, not one little bit, and b: the guy really has crossed the line…..BUT it still isn’t husband’s place to step in and make this guy go away unless the wife clearly expresses the desire for him to do so.
She isn’t a child. He isn’t her daddy…..and her choice of friendships is hers. They clearly have to deal with the fallout in their own marriage, but it still is HER decision who her friends are. The husband can choose to walk, to discuss that decision, to issue ultimatums (him or me?) but he cannot tell her who to have as a friend.
And from a different angle: if she wants a flirty friend, what makes you think that making this one go away will make them all go away?
Also, as someone who was previously in a seriously controlling marriage, why are we taking this guy’s word for what’s going on? Kind of one-sided…..