Dear Em and Lo,
I have a friend let’s call him “A”, we used to be closer, but as time has gone by, we probably see each other every other month or so, and the occasional email of non-importance (humor, etc). I’ve known for a while that “A” has had a crush on my wife. In fact all my friends think she is a catch.
“A” sends my wife emails several times a week, political commentaries, humor, a little bit of everything, but nothing too personal. My wife was recently hospitalized for several weeks. “A” went out of his way (30 or so miles) to see her several times a week. While she was in the hospital she was up all hours, and my friend would drunk dial her. During these conversations he would tell her about how much of a crush he has always had on her, how special he thought she was, how she should go to baseball games with him (season ticket holder), how he was lonely and needed a woman in his life, and would also ask her for advice on meeting women.
My wife was very upfront about this happening, and just blew it off as him being harmless, and that he was making up for the times when he had dropped the ball in years past when we had a mutual friend in the hospital, and he didn’t step up to the plate.
When I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends called me more than her, emailed me, flirted with me, drunk dialed me, etc., my wife said she got the picture and that it would be inappropriate.
Not more than 20 minutes later my wife said she was going to call him, to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations.
Now he is coming over for dinner.
I don’t have many close friends, so losing a friend really hurts. I know my wife isn’t attracted to him, but I still can’t stomach his behavior. I feel disrespected.
I have already been struggling with my lack of close friends, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, why I have acquaintances instead of friends, why I no longer have deeper friendships in my life? Believe me I am keeping my therapist busy.
Do I keep this friendship? Do I try and salvage it? Or do I walk away?
— Virtual Cuckold
Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.
I would just sit down and tell him what he is doing and that you don’t like it. I would also have your wife be in on some of the conversation. You can tell him he needs to straighten up or your frendship is going to be gone. As far as that friendships are nice but not always what we need. I have been married for 31 years to the same woman and am happy to say that she is and has been my best friend. Yes we do things with other people but as far as a friendship I have the best one right here, I think you need to remember that, this is the most important one, that’s the one you need to make sure you keep. Now don’t wait and don’t let it worry you be right up front. Keep the faith things will work themselves out.
You already took the first step. You had a conversation with your wife. Now it is time for a strict follow-up. It is decision time. Your wife needs to decide where she wants to be.
This is a zero tolerance situation. Be ready to sent her packing if it should come to that. I hope you work out your differences.
I just passing by when I read this. I say you can’t blame your friend for falling for her if she is in deed a good catch. Your friend may be hurting. I am sure he not trying to hurt anyone but he care for her a great deal. This guy is perhaps one you would have choosen to be your best man. Yes he is smitten but the 2 of you need to find a way together to tell him the you see into him. Carefuly and lovingly tell he by find him someone a lot like her. She might also try not responging to emails and phone calls from him or she will fall for him too! The bible say dont let your good be evil spoken of! Stay out of the public eye and dont share this with your other friends if they haven’t figured it out already. Yes the ties need to be broken for this time. Yet for a time of praying for the 3 of you. Just know that your friend is hurting! You dont want him to hurt himself! He needs company but not your wife!
I hope, this would be your last worry in life. And I think it’s about time to get over with it. Sure, it’s good that you love your wife, but it’s clear she is not interested in A? Just relax and make sure she is happy and you- the one she’ll always want.
The wife is the problem not the friend. She should have completely stopped all contact with the friend when she realized his attention and intentions. Period.
My ex had a business partner that tried to seduce me just to “one up” him and I messed it up by not dealing with it. It was my ex’s surprize 40th birthday party. Obviously my ex was hammered to the gills and his “partner” who was in on the scheme drove him home because I had all the presents in my car. I felt bad because he would have to drive over 45 minutes hammered so I told him to sleep on the couch. My ex was puking his guts out and I was trying to help him, finally after the drama settled down, I heard a knock and a whisper….”come here”….”come here”…I was wasted and tired myself and being the young un I just slammed the bedroom door as loud as I could and locked it. Now as a older woman I would have ventured more into the situation and asked him point blank “what are you thinking/looking for” then I would have had concrete evidence to tell my husband that it was rotten to the core and a no good situation. Because I went with my “gut” my ex thought I was over dramatic and “imanging” things and this was the single most biggest cut to our relationship and started the divorce. His business partner encouraged our divorce and eventually encouraged the divorce of his subsequent wife. He was so butt ugly or else I would have suspected a gay thing but who knows. He died of cancer and everyone thought I was an asshole when I didn’t care.
The writing is on the wall. Alcohol is “truth serum”, hence the drunk dialing with emotional barbs. Neither individual is respecting the husband, because any self-respecting woman would have put an end to this long ago. Have you ever met someone that upon first glance was not your type, but sort of “grew on you” (not like mold, lol)? It is not impossible here, and he (the friend) is offering emotional support that the wife is continuously inviting. Sure, she is “upfront” about what the friend is saying, but what about her own responses? Also, once he even started any type of dialogue that would suggest romantic interest, why did she not put him in his place from the beginning? This sounds like your best “friend” has become her emotional one, possibly filling a connection she feels she is missing with her husband. It’s not too late to fix, but men can be just as coy as women…and patient. It’s only a matter of time before her defenses, or what’s left of them are completely worn down, and this man will be writing about whether or not he should attend their wedding. If you do not step to the plate and state your case, yes this will continue, and end badly. The last thing you want is for her to go behind your back, but it is imperative that you let her know exactly how you feel without mincing words. Her loyalty should be to you, the one she said her vows to, not some friend, I don’t care how close. You allowed this by sitting back and thinking it was friendly fire. Think about this: in cop talk, (I am not one), “friendly fire” is when one cop gets shot by another cop. How is the fire ever friendly when one always ends up hurt, or may even wind up dead? Think about that, the next time you want to dismiss this deadly relationship suicide. DO SOMETHING, or you will be buying something from their gift registry at Tiffany’s.
With friends like this, who needs enemies? Your wife should tell this guy to get lost. You should find a real friend; this guy isn’t one.
If this guy is your friend and he’s flirting with your wife then it says one of two things. 1. He’s too in love to realize what he’s doing, so talk to him about it, in private of course. 2. The little shit has been using you for god knows how long to get to your wife, so drop kick his ass. He’s obviously out of control and its only a matter of time before he’s sick of all the rejection from your wife, and harms either himself, your wife or you.
Wow. I cant believe you second guess yourself! Always, always go with your gut feeling. Your wife needs to put an end to this right NOW. If she seriously doesnt just love the attention, she wont even hesitate. If she hesitates, and says, yeah, I’ll do it later, that will confirm she loves the attention. I cant believe she hasnt said something already. If he continues, then, you need to step in and say, dude, what the hell? If one more phone call to your wife occurs, this man needs to be out of your life permanently!! p.s. did I mention never second guess your gut feeling? When something smells rotten, it usually is!!
Very sample walk away because a true friend would never do that to you and for your wife to brush it off like it’s not a big deal is BS.
I think that the wife should tell A to back off because he is not a true friend by doing what he has been doing. She should make it clear that she would in no way hurt her husband. She should tell her husband that he is the one that she love’s.
The fact that his wife brushed it off didn’t help the situation. He needs to speak with “A” about how uncomfortable he feels about it. Better if mutually he and his wife sat down with him and spoke out how they feel.
The fact that “A” is saying when he is drunk how he likes his wife is no laughing matter. Things need to be addressed because I fear if his wife is just giggling and letting it happen is because she doesn’t fear another man getting in the way of her marriage…but I bet if it were the other way around where another woman was talking to her husband like “A” does.
he probably isn’t the guy’s friend but it is still up to the wife who she chooses to have as a friend. The husband’s choice is how he reacts…talk to the wife, decide to issue an ultimatum, whatever….
Just don’t expect either a: the wife to fall over in gratitude if he steps in all heavy-handed….
or b: The end of all problems because if it is symptomatic of a problem in the marriage it will recur.
You need to get this guy out of your reationship asap, he apparantly has no respect for you, if he is a true friend to you he would keep his distance from your spouse. He has his motives and they don’t include your friendship, the longer this goes on it could turn you and your spouse’s relationship sour. Just tell him how you feel, you have that right, it is your spouse he is hitting on.