We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.
I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?
I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.
Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?
— Porn Ultimatum
What should P.U. do?
Here’s the thing: You are upset because you are feeling insecure. That is a perfectly normal reaction, when the person you love, is absorbing their time with someone else in a way that makes you feel less intimate.
I understand this feeling. The truth is, you are probably thinking about the porn more than he is. With sex, men are visual. Women are emotional. Its how each gender is hardwired.
So, what you can do with this situation, that has nothing to do with being uncertain of what your husband’s level of porn activity – is explain to him that his behavior is yielding the result of HIM being less attractive to YOU. You can also explain that it leaves you feeling questionable about how satisfied HE is with YOU. Where you are feeling vulnerable, he is probably going to also when he hears your loss of attraction. Ask him what you can do together to trust each other again. You may need to be ready to hear some things you don’t like, understand but will have to accept. He’s going to hear them too. Lay the feelings out in black and white. The core issue is not the porn. The core issue is that you have a situation between the two of you on a much more important level than porn – and that is how connected the TWO of you are or are not.
Your husband may be angry and embarrassed that you want to discuss this. If you approach it in a non-threatening matter with true concern – that is what is going to stick in his head at the end of the discussion. And – hopefully for you – it is not just one discussion, but rather many as you build your relationship back together.
No one likes ultimatums. Just as you are probably feeling hurt by the porn, your husband – whether he prefaces it this way – is going to feel hurt and angry by an ultimatum. That is because regardless of the end result you are going for; you’re not even allowing him the opportunity to work on giving it to you on his own accord. Besides, don’t you want him to be the one that decides how to love you? There’s no room for growth or reconnection in an “ultimatum”. Maybe take a few steps back. Realize – yes – you are hurt and angry. Also remember you have a marriage and a responsibility to foster an open honest and non-threatening environment – both of you. Talk to your husband like you would your best friend if they were hurting you. Give him a chance. You might be surprised at what you learn about him…each other.
Before you decide to have this talk though, let yourself be angry little bit, hurt,…whatever it is – but put a limit on how much of that you are going to let consume you. Feel it, acknowledge it and then put it away so you can have a neutral discussion. Try to keep clinical. Ask open ended questions and try not to blame or accuse. Hopefully you will come to understand and respect each other a little more – in better ways than what you are both experiencing now.
Good luck!
If it were the husband writing in with this problem, saying, “my wife is hitting me with ultimatums over a little porno”, I’d tell him the following:
I’ve been hit with various ultimatums over the years. The best way to make them stop, and to get your way in the end, is to steadfastly pick the other option. If you strap your balls on and stick to your guns, it’s practially guaranteed to go something like this:
Wife: It’s me or the porn.
Husband: ok, I pick the porn.
Wife: So you love porn more than you love me, you sick pervert!?
Husband: No, I love you more, but you’re twisting my arm and I won’t have that. I’m a grown man here. I don’t want to be with a woman who thinks she can bully my boner.
I’m like the USA in this respect: I won’t negotiate with a terrorist. If a woman tells me, “my way or the highway,” I’ll always pick the highway. I have a feeling that if she stares down her own ultimatum – if she’s actually confronted with the reality of busting up her family over some bullshit – she’ll back right down.
You know – if it were the husband writing in.
There are decent and not religious men out there that don’t watch porn.
Nobody forced him to marry her right? Didn’t he sign the papers himself? Didn’t he commit to his wife, to be with her and only her? His choice. Now he has to deal with it… if she doesn’t feel ok about it, he should totally quit.
By the way, he won’t die without porn. I assume he is a healthy guy who can control himself, not someone that puts desires over everything else. Maybe their relationship gets even better after he quits. She married him, she loves him, and she wants him to get off seeing/thinking about HER body, not any porn star out there. It’s all about respect.
Have you thought of a convent?
Mrs. Ultimatum, please read to the end of this for me. Do i look at porn? Yes, on occasion. However I prefer my Wife whenever possible but that’s not always the case. She found porn on a laptop I had. She wasn’t upset about it because she realizes we have differing sex drives. I have never stepped out on her and she knows this and respects me for it.
Going back to the porn, when all is said an done I prefer my wife every single time. One day it hit me and I asked her, “would you pose for some pictures for me, naked?” To my surprise she said yes. With the usual “buts”, keep it off the net, no one else gets to see it and No means No. Of course I said yes and i meant and kept it.
We started in the bedroom with sexy poses and lingerie. We’ve since moved outdoors to private parks and hotels. We go shopping for new clothes for her every time. We make a day of it.
It’s my responsibility to do any grooming that I want done. So I shave her if I want that. We shoot some pictures, I take to lunch, More picture someplace sexy and then we go home or to the hotel and have great sex.
Is it perfect? Not always but we’ve never had a bad time doing it since we respect each others needs and boundaries.
All of this said, this requires a crazy amount of trust from the “model” in this scenario. Which I credit and love my wife for. But it creates an intense bonding because she said she didn’t like something I was looking at AND provided me with a viable alternative to use. One that I am more than satisfied with.
Trust me, it can being incredibly erotic to have your picture taken naked and empowering to see how you look. I would forget about any negative aspects of your body for at lest one time and try it. Believe me, he likes the way you look more than you think. If there is something you just have to hide, experiment, try being coy and flirty in the pictures. You might even love it.
One more important thing, SECURITY! I keep the pictures on a separate flash drive that is not on the computer. Even if the computer was stolen she’d never be in danger of being exposed as the loving wife she is.
I hope this helps.
Porn is not food. One can survive without it. If he truly loves her he’d be able to give it up for her. Really.
That said I encourage the writer to work out her issues with porn so that she may see it as non-threatening and allow her husband to watch it, but I really think he should make an effort to stop or limit his viewing if it makes her that uncomfortable. I do not condone giving sexual ultimatums, but he should prefer sex with his wife over porn.
Though, in my experience, the best policy is “don’t ask, don’t tell”.
Porn is a visual aid, like a sex toy, not a substitute wife. As the saying goes, 95% of men look at porn, and the other 5% lie about not looking at porn. This is NOT an issue, and you shouldn’t make it one. You absolutely do not have the right, even as his wife, to tell him what he is allowed to be turned on by. If you don’t like porn, don’t watch it. If you don’t want to know about him watching porn, ask him to be discreet, watch it when you aren’t home, etc. As much as we love our spouses or significant others, most people would like to be able to look at other people naked from time to time. This is all he’s doing, it’s really no different from the woman who reads romance novels about studly Scotsmen. As a woman who has been married for 24 years, I can tell you, it would be a huge mistake to make this an issue. Save your fights for something that really matters.
i dont honestly think this problem is with porn. if you are willing to leave him over this than u shouldnt b together to begin with. Im sure he didnt just wake up one day after u were married and say im gonna watch porn today. some people watch porn some people dont thats one of thoes conversations u have while dating. communicating with your partner is so important especially about sexual practice. sex is a big part of a relationship u should b on the same page and if u are not then really whats the point? if u are not happy with this part of your relationship it can affect the rest of it. u need to ask yourself(and him) what else am i not happy with is it worth being unhappy about.
While I personally don’t believe porn to be bad, I don’t think that there’s any reason to judge this woman because she does.
She obviously believes very strongly about it, and yet her husband still can’t respect her beliefs enough to give it up?
If my boyfriend was a vegetarian for moral reasons, I wouldn’t eat steak in front of him. If he was a Christian, I wouldn’t worship Satan in front of him. Its because I have the common courtesy to respect my partner’s wishes.
If this guy can’t just fap to his own thoughts (like most of us), he has some kind of problem with porn. Either that or he has a problem with not being able to respect his wife.
As a vegetarian, I find meat dishes disgusting. But my husband sometimes eats out at a well-know burger joint. My cooking should be enough for him. I’ve told him it’s either my cooking, or he eats out for good.
P.U., I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way. It’s very hard to feel insecure, upset, and like you can’t talk with your husband about this issue. However, I’m going to stress that that’s exactly what you have to do–talk with him! He is your husband, the man you fell in love with, the man you live your life with and the man you swore to be with no matter what. You owe it to him and more importantly, you owe it to yourself to talk with him about the way you’ve been feeling.
This is not to say that “talking with him” should not be confused with “talking TO him”. I know you are feeling very frustrated, angry, even betrayed, etc but you must respect him when you share this discussion. Be sure to use words/phrases like, “I think” and “I feel” rather than “You are” and “You do____”. Also, avoid vast generalizations like, “You ALWAYS” or “You NEVER” because this will put him on the defensive for certain, which is not what you want.
Make a time for you both when you can have privacy and intimacy. This shouldn’t be like you’re sitting him down in an interrogation room. Tell him how you’ve been feeling about the porn he watches and, just like most people said before me, tell him EXACTLY what you don’t like about it. Don’t make generalizations. “I don’t like ______ because it makes me feel _______” is a good place to start.
Then comes the most important part. LISTEN to what he has to say in return. Hopefully he will respond in a respectful and honest manner because (hopefully) that is how you approached him, rather than accusing him, blaming him, and demonizing something he doesn’t seem to have a problem with.
I won’t give my personal stance on your problems because it’s not my place to say who’s right and who’s wrong. However, I am a firm believer that strong communication skills can enhance every part of your daily life–work, social, and familial.
If you married this guy, you obviously thought that he was worth fighting for. So prove it. Get your head on straight, figure out what’s at the root of this problem, and give your marriage what it deserves: open, honest, respectful communication.
I wish you luck.
(wasn’t done, sorry). My first husband became something of a porn addict over a number of years. It took up an increasing amount of time (research for future sex with me was one excuse, thanks for the reminder). There are a number of men who are happy to pleasure themselves all day long. And happily, there are men who like a partner and the bonding as well. My current partner likes sex with a partner! Does he look at porn, probably. But I’m comfortable with HIM. He’s not constantly hiding in the bathroom or on the computer doing “research”. We might have sex 5 times a day, usually at least once. That’s what we BOTH want. We match sexually. Don’t let anyone tell you that this, what you’re feeling now, is the best you can do. It’s just not true, and you are entitled to a sex life that you are comfortable with. That should be a mini
Um
I completely understand how P.U. feels. But just because she feels that way it doesn’t mean she is right. A lot of women need a lot of reassurance that they are the most important person in their man’s life. A lot of women fixate on one man in a way that men don’t. Men often need sexual variety; that’s perhaps the biggest difference between the sexes.
If men are getting this variety by looking at porn, and if that porn isn’t damaging the way they view and treat others, it’s a good thing – they are actively managing their need for variety without cheating.
To have that ‘good behaviour’ treated as cheating must be hurtful. So I think an about face is needed from PU – an apology, a conversation, a genuine sharing of what she finds so upsetting about porn – without any hint of blame. Then a compromise can be worked out, so that his need for visual variety and her need to feel like the centre of his world can both be met.
Oh, and allow him to look at hot girls in the street without making him feel guilty – it’s all part of the same thing.
Disagree with most of the above. If YOU have a thing against porn; that’s who you are. Sexually speaking, I think it’s dangerous to allow someone else to set YOUR limits. That goes for your husband too. If he’s too much of a perv (or seems like one) for you to enjoy sex with him anymore (or maybe the trust is gone because he lied) then you 2 will likely need to part ways.
My
I think if P.U. were transformed into a fly on the wall of her best friend’s bedroom, she’d say, “That’s disgusting!” and then not want to be friends any more.
I’m joking of course, but still…