We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. We seem to be getting a lot of bad boyfriend letters lately — maybe these women just need to hear your Greek Chorus in order to do what needs to be done. Say it in unison in the comments section below.
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Readers,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been quite rocky from the start and he treated me really badly in the beginning.
Our relationship initially started as a long distance one and I had to move countries and give up my studies to be with him. Before moving I asked him about his past and very specifically asked him all the things that I considered a deal breaker – being gay was one of them, so I asked him if he had ever been into guys and he told me he was absolutely straight (which later turned out to be a lie).
Because of the difficulties of integrating our lives together after me moving to be with him, we fought a lot and he was incredibly mean and verbally abusive (at times he pushed me around too. At that point I hated him and wanted to get away from him. He would pester me for sex, but I refused because of the way he treated me. I still don’t want to be intimate with him because I have son underlying anger towards him.
A year ago we moved to London and our relationship improved a bit after me establishing firm boundaries – I still struggle with intimacy though (I also struggle with this because I have been raped in the past). One evening my boyfriend came home drunk and blurted out that he is bisexual and wants to have sex with other men. I had a sneaky suspicion that he had a crush on a guy at work and was trying to get me to have a threesome with another guy, which I obviously found as a shock.
The next day we chatted about this and as it turns out he had a year long relationship with another guy (before we got together). I asked him how he managed to have sex with another man and he said that it was very pleasurable and that he was attracted to both men and women, but wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. I felt really betrayed that he lied to me. I uprooted my entire life to move to the opposite side of the world to be with him. I told him everything about my past and gave him the option of leaving if he didn’t feel comfortable with MY past, but yet he couldn’t afford me the same honesty.
I have tried to talk to him about this, but he constantly changes his story and refuses to speak about this. We very nearly broke up.
Then he started talking in his sleep sexually about other men – I heard him say:’I wanna fuck your arse full’ and started nattering about a tall, blonde elegant guy…I was traumatized by this. He was having either a physical or emotional affair with some guy. He denied this flat out saying that I was going mad. I’m really struggling with this and don’t know whether I should hang around.
We love each other and have been through a lot to be together, but I don’t know whether to trust him or not. He has told me that he isn’t gay, but I know I’m running a massive risk by staying with him.
I’m so sad and angry. I have no idea how to deal with this. When I think of him with another man I feel quite disgusted (I’m not homophobic – I just don’t want to deal with this confusion).
He tells me that he loves me, but is this enough?
Ps: This is a wonderful thread and everyone’s input has been thought provoking and intelligent, hence me reaching out to you all. Please help me cope with this. I don’t know what to do and my heart is struggling terribly with this.
Thanks so much,
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
What should SISOSIG do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.
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Like ^^^^^
Moving across the world for a guy was brave and of course nobody forced you to do it as it was your own responsibility. Now you owe yourself the responsibility to leave this guy as you have learned he is not what you want and by the sounds of it, you’re not likely to accept/respect him again. Who’s the bad guy, who leaves who, who owes who? Potato potato, you both mixed this toxic potion, now be brave and get the fuck out.
Based on what I read, I’m not yet convinced that your BF is a hardcore abuser or compulsive liar. But he sure seems needy and immature, and so he does spineless and sketchy things to keep the relationship. When you guys nearly broke up, it was you who almost pulled the trigger, yes?
What really strikes me is that I can’t find one positive mention about him in the post. You do say that you love each other, but that’s also been a feature in letters much more horrific than yours.
Regarding his sleep-talking, it’s understandable for someone who is attracted to men and doesn’t have much opportunity for release. Is he cheating emotionally or physically? Hmmm, maybe?? But finding proof might be difficult, and there’s other important things to deal with.
Obviously, from Em and Lo’s “Greek Chorus” comment and the other two responses above, things are looking bad for the two of you. Before halting your studies and moving overseas, your BF told you everything you wanted to hear in order to seal the deal. It’s worth pondering why you weren’t able to read between the lines or perhaps listen to your gut in advance of an unfortunate decision.
Lastly, about homophobia. I say that all straight folks are homophobic – it’s just a matter of degree. Similar things have been said about racism. I’ve marched in the NYC PRIDE parade, and I haven’t banished all homophobia from my system. Shoot, on more than one occasion, I’ve witnessed homophobia in homosexuals. But, to be more pertinent, the lady doth protest too much methinks. There’s a teaspoon of homophobia in the mix here. Something to think about. Best wishes.
This is more a question for the Jerry Springer show, but I think you know the answer. Go.
This is easy — leave.
Let’s see:
1. he has been verbally abusive in the past
2. he has physically pushed you around
3. he has lied to you about very important things
4. you do not trust him
That is not the basis of a loving, supportive relationship. He is manipulating you to get what he wants and is not meeting your needs.
You deserve better. Get your courage up and go find the type of relationship you deserve.