We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 22-year-old virgin and have decided to wait for a committed relationship before having sex. Sometimes when I’m dating and the sex talk comes up, guys get very nervous when they realize I’m a virgin. I try not to make it such a big deal, I see it as only a part of my character, not the whole thing.
I’m dating a great guy now and I’m pretty sure the topic of sex will come up soon. Any advice about how to approach this? Am I kidding myself to think that guys wouldn’t freak about this? Any advice would be great.
— Virginally Yours
What should Virginally Yours do?
it’s not always sex. but love and passion. if he run away because you’re a virgin then that guy is not worth dating for.
Honestly,
My boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other both at 21. We’ve both had chances to before that and turned them down because we were waiting to be in love. We know ourselves and we’re aware that neither of us could handle the emotional implications of a long sexual history with other people. I think the answer to this question is pretty simple: do what you feel is right for you. Relationships don’t have formulas, they’re different depending on who’s involved, timing, etc.
Obviously this is all just based on my own experience, but you should know that it definitely can work out for you, you don’t necessarily need to rush into anything just to say you did.
Maybe I just know a group of exceptional guys, but I know plenty of men who are willing to wait (albeit a little impatiently) for women they really like.
I waited until I found my Mr.right before making love (after a year). He was happy that he was my first! 😀 But I will admit we did other “things” rather than intercourse over the first year. 😛
Waiting to have sex until you find the right person is a very sensible idea IMO, and also means you’re not filled with STD’s! Plus, you’re not going to have any high end expectations and compare your lover to past relationships. Also, you don’t run the risk of having sex with someone who is only interested in you because of your body.
Having a purely physical relationship is not only shallow, but will not last (what’s going to happen when your body changes?). If you are looking for a long term relationship with someone, sex should not be the first priority. Build up a strong friendship first. Then move onto the physical. Sex will be so much more meaningful.
Don’t conform to what “society” says women should do.
But that’s just advice. 😉
If it’s just a case of not having met the right guy/had the right moment (as opposed to waiting for marriage or major issues) what’s wrong with saying something like ‘I fancy the pants off you but I’m kinda inexperienced so we’ll need to take it slow but I want you to be the one who helps me widen that experience’;0) Good for the guy’s ego, lets him know you’re into him whilst letting him know that you may not jump into bed on the third date.. ;0) He’ll probably find it pretty sexy that you chose him and that he’s the experienced man tutoring you in the ways of lust.. ;0)
Sorry to say, but in this day and age:
If by ‘committed relationship’ you mean ‘no sex until the first night of the honeymoon’, I think you you’ve really got your work cut out for you.
This whole issue is the same for the other side,men have a lot of issues regarding male development in the brain and body and performance is a large part of both of us and have to deal with as we grow up
This is my first time posting on a site like this so I hope I don’t stir any problems.
The way I see it, if you’re with the right guy, he won’t care and it won’t matter. I’m 20, in my first serious relationship and it took us a very long time to have the talk, primarily because we are both very shy people. Because I was so scared he would judge me for being a virgin, I was the one that initiated the conversation by asking if he was one first. After spilling his story, he then returned the question. With my reply he seemed surprised, but explained that he had no problem waiting until I was ready.
I really have to agree with Hannah, that if you still don’t want to spill the beans then just flat out say “I don’t want to rush into sex”. Good luck!
Hey! I was about the same age, btw. Really nothing wrong with that!
The truth is, when you get a little older, your sexual history has less and less significance than it did in earlier relationships. True, maybe you talk about it with your partner, just out of curiousity, but I’ve also had a three year relationship where we never discussed our “number” or how old we were when we started, etc. You especially don’t need to disclose those things at the beginning of a relationship, if you choose to disclose them at all.
So honestly, maybe you are rushing into being open about that a little sooner than you should. It seems like it just makes you feel pressured and judged, and you ultimately end up feeling bad because of your partner’s reaction. It’s totally fair to just say, Listen, I don’t want to rush into having sex. Period. You don’t have to explain why. And then, once you are a little more comfortable and maybe have a bit more commitment to each other, you might want to talk about it.
But just keep in mind that, later in life, it’s just not that big a deal how many people you’ve slept with. It is a big deal for some people if you’re never going to want sex in a relationship, that’s true, so if you intend to not have sex at all, then there are some people who might not be a good match for you. But any guy who is worth your time will be willing to stick around for a while until you’re ready, and once he gets to know you, knowing your lack of experience isn’t going to change how he feels about you! Plenty of people wait until they know each other really well before having sex. It’s not like you have an STD! So you don’t have to be upfront about that until you are truly ready to start having sex with that person.
Though it would be good for you to tell them at that point! You definitely want them to take it easy and let you control the situation and positioning as much as possible for your first time, so do at least tell them once you decide you want to sleep together!
I have to agree with Phillip.
Georgina, they guy is going to figure out there is NO sex happening in a short while anyway. He’s either going to figure she’s into playing games or she doesn’t find him attractive. IMO, the relationship isn’t going to progress (most of the time) without sex coming up sooner rather than later. She’s best off, IF she intends on staying with him, letting him know. IF she feels he’s “the right one” she needs to let him know that, too. But, only if sex IS going to happen in a short period of time. No “I want you to be the one, but I need a year (or more) of Love and Commitment for you to prove it to me, before we have sex.” That is not going to fly with too many men.
Again, like Phillip said, for some reason talking about virginity is a minefield on this site. I don’t really get why.
My advise, as a girl who didn’t loose it until I was 21, I wouldn’t tell him.
That’s not to say that you should be ashamed of it or it’s wrong, but men tend to jump to conclusions. I told a few guys and all that happened is they lost interest and I ended up hurt and upset. They assume that they’re going to have to wait months and months to sleep with you, that you’ll get too clingy too quick or that you’ll make a bigger deal out of it then he deems necessary. In my case none of that was true, but it didn’t stop any of them assuming it.
Your sexual history is none of his business, and if he wants to know every details of yours, he should be equally willing to share every details of his.
I told those guys I was a virgin because I’d decided I wanted them to be my first. Believe me, it hurts when you tell someone that and they run as fast as they can in the other direction because of all the virgin cliches they’ve heard.
Keep it to yourself, wait until you’re ready and don’t do it before. The chances are he’ll have no idea and you’ll end up with a decent guy who likes you for who you are, not for who you have or haven’t slept with.
“While ‘God does not want it’ seems to be a good enough reason for some, it would make me run only much faster…”
Oh man, me too. I guess we can agree to that.
Hmm, I think we have to agree to disagree then. I hang out with all sorts of guys, in different ages and from different social circles, and I can safely say none of them would be down with that, fellatio or not.
From my sample of middle european men, I stand by my earlier statement that the vast majority of men will just run if they learn that there is no promise of sex and the near or at least medium future.
I think the problem is also that the reasons for staying a virgin are usually hard to understand for most (including me, as you might have guessed by now). I guess many men could live with a no-sex relationship if they understand the reasons, for instance if they learn that the the girl has had a troublesome past and hence does not want to have sex until she feels totally secure. However, of course, what counts as an understandable reason is surely different from guy to guy. While ‘God does not want it’ seems to be a good enough reason for some, it would make me run only much faster…
“… [guys] will very abruptly learn that sex will not become part of your relationship any time soon… they will instantly lose interest in your dating, since it is going pretty much nowhere to them.”
I’m not sure I agree, Philipp… I mean, that statement might describe you, and it certainly describes me, but I think you’re over-estimating the average man’s “game”.
Many guys out there are getting little or no sex ANYWAY. Most of these guys would see a pants-on make-out with a virgin as way better than no nothing. And if she’s a fellatious virin? Fuggedaboudit. Lots of guys would be down with that.
Being aware that I literally post into a minefield here (I remember some of the last discussions on this topic all too well), I will go out on a limb and say the following: many guys will, in general, not as such be freaked out about you being a virgin. However, they will very abruptly learn that sex will not become part of your relationship any time soon. Hence, they will instantly lose interest in your dating, since it is going pretty much nowhere to them.
This probably seems very unfair to you, but from a different perspective it may make sense. Everybody has expectations of how a relationship progresses, and for the vast majority of adult people (of both sexes) this includes sex after a relatively short time. A relationship without sex will simply not be what most people are looking for. While you are of course right that you being a virgin is just a small part of your character, it kinda dominates the course that a relationship can possibly go from there on.
What I really want to say is this: the problem will not go away by finding the perfect way of /saying/ that you are a virgin. It can only go away by either (a) finding somebody who feels the same way about sex (which I am assuming is not the case here, otherwise the question would not really make sense), or (b) … well, you know what the other possibility is.
Not all guys will freak out about this, especially considering that there are plenty of 22 year old dudes who are similarly inexperienced.
If a woman told me she was a virgin at 30, that would wierd me out. Sorry, it just would.