Your Call: Why Does Manual Sex Feel Amazing, Then Too Much?

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been with my boyfriend now for four months. We are quite sexual with each other when we are together, but I am concerned over one thing in particular that keeps happening. Whenever my boyfriend starts to pleasure my clitoris with his fingers it all feels good and amazing to begin with but when I feel I am about to come I have to ask him to stop, which he does. Sometimes he trys to get me to continue but I just can’t seem to go any further and I now don’t know what I should do.

— Girl, Interrupted


  1. When you get to that point try getting him to put his whole hand over your mound and palpate. So keeping stimulation, pressure and rhythm but not directly on the clit. Then after you chill out (or climax 🙂 get him to use fingers again.

  2. I find I have this same problem with the area figleaf mentioned, right under the hood. Personally, I stop breathing and feel that most of my nerves/muscles are under constant fire – it just becomes too tense for my body to handle. I’m not sure if it’s the same sensation for you, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to keep it going if it becomes uncomfortable. Just make sure to explain to your boyfriend how it feels and that continuing is not going to bring you more pleasure; once you cross that bridge you can spend more time trying to find something that builds on what you’ve already started.

  3. There’s just not enough information here to answer well at all.

    1) Are you talking about stimulation anywhere on your clitoris or just the little tip under the hood? If the latter that’s a pretty common experience. In the purest nerd terms clitorises don’t become fully erect until a lot later in the arousal cycle than penises. And once they’re fully erect the same finger pressure that felt very nice can become uncomfortably intense as the glans gets mashed against the now-hard clitoral body. If that’s true then you might ask him to rub you higher up away from the tip when he feels you growing firm under his fingertips.

    2) Are you talking about this partner in particular? Has he mentioned having noticed the same problem in previous partners? Have you had previous partners where it wasn’t a problem? If you’ve been more comfortable with previous partners can you communicate to this one what you prefer? If neither you nor he are very experienced can you suggest experimentation and working together?

    3) Is it an issue when you touch yourself? If not then would you be comfortable telling or showing him how you do it?

    Mainly there’s a lot of assumptions than men are supposed to either already know or quickly be able to learn how to “pleasure” women. And similar assumptions that women aren’t supposed to know. These are as outdated as the idea that women faint at the sight of blood, or that men don’t.

    Here in the 21st Century we’re finding out that great sex is more dialogue, discovery, and dance between partners than demonstrations of prior knowledge and prowess by one on the other. And in this case, anyway, the great thing is that he probably wants to know what works for you as much as you want him to know it.

    Good luck,


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