Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-26-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how coaches tell you that your cool-down period after a work-out should be in direct proportion to the length of the session? Thus a twenty-minute jog around the block will only require a few minutes of wind-down walking, whereas a three-hour cross-country run will need a lot more. Relationships are kind of the same way. For example, while it may be appropriate to call off a mini-relationship (we’re talking no more than two dates) via email, it is definitely not cool to dump your three-year lover over the phone. Right now, you’re in a twenty-minute jog relationship, but admit it: You’re kind of bored. Plus their oral pleasures skills are lacking. So why not get out now while the getting out is easy; a few more months and it’s going to take some serious undoing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A podiatry tale: Keep your feet on the ground. Then put your best foot forward — this will require a sort of sliding action, since you will be keeping your feet on the ground, remember? This also means you will be keeping your feet out of your mouth. When you reach the edge, jump in with both feet and you’ll be walking on sunshine in no time.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The latest seasons of the Bachelorette must be a sign of the Apocalypse. Doesn’t anyone care about poverty anymore? Inflated salaries have sucked all the joie de vivre out of sports. The Vatican should be prosecuted for organized crime. Who said you could blow second-hand smoke my way? Blah blah blah–why do you have to be so opinionated all the time? Can’t you just sit back and let the TV wash over you like the rest of us? No? Well, good for you. But if you want to get laid this week, you might want to turn it down to four or five and save the big “the world is ending” rant for the morning after.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll be very popular this week. Just don’t abuse your power like all the popular kids in high school did. Because everyone knows what happens to them: Eventually, their faces get all puffy like they’ve been stung by a bee, they try to hang onto their youth by recreating it to a T as quickly as possible with the first candidate who comes along, and then end up living boring, meaningless lives. Man, high school sucked.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You know all those songs that tell you to take a chance on love? Don’t listen to their lies! Proceed with caution this week. Be picky. Have some standards. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, or even just some slack are nice things you should avoid like the plague right now. Yes, be a total jerkwad — you have our permission.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You hear that ringing in your head? Really, you do? ‘Cause we were just kidding about a literal noise — you might want to get that checked out. But the metaphorical ringing you hear is your destiny calling. Your one-and-only (at least, your one-and-only for this month) is in the vicinity, but they won’t hang around for long. So don’t hit the snooze button. You snooze, you lose. And also, don’t mix your metaphors and don’t use cliches.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Keep your eyes peeled for stages: karaoke bars, open-mic evenings, political rallies, upturned crates on street corners, etc. Because speaking in front of a group is your chance to wow someone in the audience. And as someone once said, all the world’s a stage. It’s just a matter of getting the audience to listen to you. Maybe you should be like the New York lottery guy in the ads and carry a podium with you wherever you go.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will apparently impress someone from a distance this week. Someone in an audience. We suggest you save yourself a lot of hassle and just follow around a Scorpio for the week. They’ll be the ones lugging around a podium.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will be a big talker but when it comes to pinning you down about love issues, you are not likely to be forthcoming. You will play a great game of cat and mouse, leaving anyone interested in you wondering. The stars don’t say whether this is good or bad. But if you ask us, it blows.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Life can be like a fairy tale, it just takes a little longer to get to the happy ending. Like this week, for example: toads, toads, toads, toads, toads. So don’t bother kissing any of them, unless you like getting warty lips.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The forecast is not looking good for you this week: just whirlwinds that won’t go anywhere and won’t last. Be a rainy-day friend and save all the fun date stuff for later, when the sun comes out, and you’ll have a better chance of meeting a hot meterologist.


One Comment

  1. Aries woman here. I went for the nice type, a Taurus bloke, he volunteered for a charity where we met and over time he turned out to be a really horrible person.

    The next person that showed interest is a Gemini and he is very young and very irresponsible. And yet there’s chemistry.

    “Nice guys” tend to be “bad boys” in disguise.

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