Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-09-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. And don’t even think about whipping out that black leather suit à la Halle Berry in Catwoman. And put down that leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up — and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their caffeine-free Diet Coke with Red Bull.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Being in a relationship is not the be-all and end-all. Think of the time demands, the emotional dependency, the routine. Sure, we’re just saying this to make you feel better, but if you’re not with the right person then all that stuff can be an issue. Take some time to date yourself and find out what it is you really want (and no, we’re not just talking about masturbation).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your aggressive nature will send your lover running in the opposite direction. Or maybe it’s your body odor. Cover all your bases and keep both in check this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Resist the temptation to send your sweetheart flowers, tattoo their name on your butt, sky-write a marriage proposal or build a secret voodoo shrine with red candles, bird talons, Xeroxed copies of their face and lots of goat’s blood. There’s a fine line between enthusiasm and stalking; don’t cross it this week. ‘Cause if you ever watch Lifetime, then you know: Stalkers never win.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If you chase anything long and hard enough, chances are you’ll become convinced that the chase is worth it. Chances are, the thrill of the chase will make you forget what it is you’re chasing. We’re not sure if it’s your fancy new Pumas or all those butt-clenching exercises you’ve been doing at your desk (yes, we see you), but this week, you’re going to win the chase. Enjoy the victory lap, because by the time you get home, you may be bored of your prize.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Frequenting old haunts is the best thing you can do for love this week. Who knows what that means, but at least you have plans for the weekend now.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you are subtle with your flirtations, you will attract someone very observant. And if you are obvious, you will turn off everyone and go home alone and sad. This week, get involved in organizations where you can meet large groups of people. Once there, try to attract someone very observant. Get the picture?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Spend more quality time with yourself. Resist the urge to turn on the TV. Remember, you’re not that boring.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t deny the world the fabulousness of you this week. Get out. Have fun. Don’t drink too many dirty martinis.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Why, oh why, do we feel like we just keep telling you the same thing week after week. Probably because we do. Are you listening? There are life lessons here that you should be actively applying in the day to day. For instance, take off those silly rose-colored glasses once and for all. And would you stop moving so quickly when it comes to relationships? Yeah, you’re right, you probably won’t, because you’re a Pisces, after all. But please, just this once, won’t you try, for us?