Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-29-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Opposites attract. But eventually they’ll repel each other if one tries to change what they originally found attractive in the other. Don’t tamper with the laws of physics — otherwise gravity will knock you on your ass.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t be a noodge. Don’t be a player. Don’t be “the ball.” Just be the dude in the back bleachers with the glove and a beer and let the home runs come to you.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just because you pride yourself on never telling a lie, that doesn’t excuse you from coming right out and offering up the truth. Now, we’re not suggesting you send out an office memo admitting to Xeroxing your ass on the photocopier, or calling up your old high school sweetheart and confessing to hooking up with their best friend out in the parking lot at the prom. Just make sure that you’re currently not leading anyone on by keeping your true intentions to yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When you’re looking for a parking space in a crowded city, there are two ways to go about it. You can force your car into the first gap you see, never mind the dents you cause or the fire hydrants you block or the chihuahuas you squash. Or, you can drive around patiently until you find the space that fits your car just so, the one you can glide into smoothly using those parallel parking skills you’re famous for. It may take a while, but think of the money you’ll save on insurance, parking tickets, and lawsuits (some people are quite attached to their dogs). Be the patient parker this week, even if your partner is being as stubborn as a fire hydrant.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John this week and get physical. That’s not code for “have sex” (though knockin’ boots can provide a good cardiovascular workout). No, we really mean get off your bum and get moving, whether at the gym, in a park, or up a mountain. You may not meet the person of your dreams at any of these places, but at least when you eventually do, your ass will look great.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
One of our favorite love stories of all time is the film Harold and Maude. Harold is barely twenty when he falls for a sweet old lady named Maude. They meet at the funeral of a mutual stranger — they share a common interest in death and other people’s funerals — and begin one of the sweetest love affairs in cinematic history. We’re not suggesting you start trawling the death announcements for potential singles spots, but you should follow your heart, in hobbies and crushes alike — no matter how weird your friends tell you you’ve become.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
In a world of fast food, high-speed internet, express lanes, and single-application yeast infection treatments, it’s only natural to want your love and sex and to want it now. Life is short, after all. But rushing into things this week will be like eating at Burger King: it sounds like a great idea at the time, your mouth starts to water at the thought of those delectable onion rings, satisfaction so near you can smell it; but immediately afterwards, you invariably feel dirty, guilty, and greasy — and not in a good way.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll forget your keys at work, your wallet at home, your doctor’s appointment, and your assistant’s birthday this week. Just don’t forget how absolutely fabulous you are. Even if you can’t remember to change your underwear, you’ve still got a lot to offer people, including all the jerks who don’t appreciate you or deserve you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Someone pushy and manipulative is going to come into your life this week. Push back. Maybe they’ll trip and fall into your bed.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Who cares? Not you, that’s who! Okay, you probably care a little bit, because you’re sensitive like that. But being honest and up front and completely giving is not going to get you anywhere with someone who’s playing hard to get. With them — we’re sorry to say — you’re going to have to play games. (And boy, they better be worth it for us to offer such crap advice.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
How could you?! You’re so selfish; all you think of is yourself. Those countless promises you made? All lies. Do the words “compassion” and “honesty” mean nothing to you?…Oh wait, sorry, wrong Aquarius. You, on the other hand, you are full of surprises and eager to please. Take the initiative this week, do your own thing, and prepare to have some fun.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Its true that every rose has its thorn, but are you sure that the particular branch you have entwined yourself around even has a bloom at the end of it? All we see is a thorny bush.


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