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17 Things We WISH Occurred Only Every 17 Years (Or Less)

May 28, 2013

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photo via flickr

The bizarre, unsettling cicada invasion got us thinking about all the other kinds of things that would be way easier to handle if they occurred only every 17 years…

  1. A D-list reality TV star’s sex tape is “accidentally” distributed.
  2. UTI’s.
  3. Someone says “I’ll call you” and never does.
  4. Reverse wheelbarrow sex.
  5. A douche-bag ex has the kind of earth-shaking sex that makes them feel like they just invented a whole new act.
  6. Ryan Lochte’s abs get network TV coverage.
  7. Periods.
  8. “Negging” a woman on the pick-up scene actually works.
  9. A woman fakes her orgasm with a man she loves.
  10. Crabs.
  11. Dry-humping on the dance floor.
  12. Divorce.
  13. Sex parties with a cold cuts buffet.
  14. Yeast infections.
  15. The condom breaks.
  16. Someone loses the key to the police-issue handcuffs.
  17. Heartbreak.

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You’re More Attractive (to Twitter Users) If…

March 12, 2013

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photo via flickr

Sometimes the hash tags that trend on Twitter can make you hate humankind (#fatfilms this week, really, people? Are we back in junior high? What’s next, awards for “Most Outgoing” Twitter feed?!)… and sometimes they just make you want to reach out and hug someone. And sometimes they do both, as with this week’s other trend: #YoureMoreAttractiveIf. The two most common attributes listed? Having a sense of humor and smelling good — which we guess are two qualities people particularly enjoy while taking long walks on the beach. Here are a few more, er, specific qualities that the people of Twitterland find attractive…

THE TEN BEST….

 

1. Professor Snape ‏@_Snape_
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know the difference between your and you’re.

 

2. The Office ‏@theofficenbc
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you like beets, bears, and Battlestar Galactica.

 

3. lexxie goff ‏@lexxiequinn
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you can pull off a beanie

 

4. Occupy Wall Street ‏@OccupyWallSt
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you realize that the sequester is an exercise to distract us from the pain of life under a world run by big business.

 

5. madelynn ☀ ‏@xoxox_madelynn
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you let me roll the blunt sometimes, and not be full of yourself, mine are just as good if not better

 

6. Jordan Kranda ‏@JordanKranda
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you’re a Christian, book nerd, mature, aren’t a flirt, lover Taco Bell, and have ambitious goals.#TotalPackage

 

7. Brunette Barbie™ ‏@_BrunetteBarbz
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you don’t ask me for nudes

 

8. J SUN ‏@JasonDonohoe93
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you prefer staying in on the weekends and eating loads of junk food in bed with a DVD and cuddles

 

9. Planned Parenthood ‏@PPFAQ
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf You respect me, my body, and my choices.

 

10. James Urbaniak ‏@JamesUrbaniak
Misread the trending hashtag #YoureMoreAttractiveIf as#YourMoreAttractiveElf. Make that a thing.

 

AND THE ONE WORST…

 

Tom Tebow ‏@IamEvilTebow
#YoureMoreAttractiveIf … You blow me while I watch sports #Romance

 

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Are You Smarter in Love Than an Eighth Grader?

January 29, 2013

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We’re cynical biatches, so when someone told us about this eighth grade mash note that a teacher found on her classroom floor (see above), we figured there was a good chance it was faked in some way. But then we read it and we fell in love with the girl asking the question, “R u ready to be there when I’m mad, or need to cry.”

And then our inner feminist yelped like she’d been spanked and was all like, “WTF? Who says it’s a girl asking that question? How do you know it’s not a boy asking a girl, So chicken is more important than me?

Whoever she or he is, they are our new role model for communication between or among the sexes. If only all relationships could begin with written confirmation that, yes, you are the only thing I care about unless I’m hungry and there’s fried chicken. Not the girl who sits at the desk behind you or the boy whose mom drives you to school or the idiot on the cheerleading team or the meathead who plays football.

People, take inspiration from this. What the hell, why not just go retro and actually pass notes next time you’re at a bar with a new partner? They might find it endearing when you write, while dotting your i’s with heart shapes, “Have you ever had, or do you currently have, an STD?” and, “If I freak out about my cat dying and call you twice in one day, do you promise not to dump me because I’m too needy?”

Communication, people. It’s simple eighth-grade shit and it can save a broken heart.

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Paul Ryan Gosling

August 16, 2012

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A few years ago a humble little Tumblr blog called “Fuck Yeah, Ryan Gosling” launched, featuring images of the dreamy, blue-eyed, well-toned actor with imagined lovey-dovey quotes from him to you, the girlfriend: “Hey Girl, if I had to get swine flu, I’d want to get it from you.” It hasn’t been updated in months, but it doesn’t have to be:  it spawned a thousand spin-off “hey girl” sites to keep you satisfied: Feminist Ryan Gosling (our favorite, and the one with a book deal), Typographer Ryan GoslingShakespearean Ryan Gosling, the list goes on and on…. (See “Know Your Meme” for a more complete history.)

A few months back, some young female fiscal conservatives started a pro-Paul Ryan Tumblr blog called “Hey Girl, It’s Paul Ryan.” For example, “Hey girl, you know I can’t resist a tight little budget.”  Eh.

Now, the evolution of the Hey Girl meme might have reached its pinnacle this week with the creation of Paul Ryan Gosling

Read the rest of this post — and see some our favorite PRG quips — on SUNfiltered.

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Monday Mix: Muppet Dating Advice, Porn Dilemmas, and More

June 25, 2012

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Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens… these are a few of our favorite things making the rounds on the Internets of late:

  • Muppet Dating Advice: An awesome article on Slate explains how everyone is either a Chaos Muppet (Cookie Monster, Ernie, Grover, Gonzo, Animal, Miss Piggy, etc.), or an Order Muppet (Burt, Scooter, Kermit, etc.). If you want a happy marriage, the theory goes, you need to pair up with the opposite type — just like Kermit and Miss Piggy, or Burt and Ernie. (And if you don’t? “That’s where Baby Elmos come from.”) You have been warned.
  • Stalking Terry Gross: Mike Birbiglia’s short film for This American Life starring Terry Gross is hilarious and pitch-perfect. Though, damn, we were hoping he’d follow her into the bedroom.
  • A Couple Decides What Porn To Watch: How many times have you spent hours on the couch, arguing with your partner about what movie to watch on Netflix? (We suppose it’s one step up from the nineties, when those arguments took place in a Blockbuster store.) Now imagine trying to pick something a little raunchier… CollegeHumor demonstrates how good relationships are all about compromise, honesty and access to PornHub.
  • 21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity: The photo of the Chicago christians who showed up to a gay pride parade to apologize for homophobia in the church made our week (and the pic of the tighty-whitey/Christian hug made our year).
  • A History of Ryan Gosling in Dance Moves: If you find Gosling’s acting even mildly annoying — that faux I’m-so-flat-affect-I’m-on-the-spectrum kind of thing — then you will get immense pleasure watching him in the video that surfaced this week of him dancing wildly and enthusiastically, age ll. And if you are a drooling, obsessed Gosling fan, you will also get immense pleasure from the video.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered



Top 30 #VaginaMovieLines Tweets

June 19, 2012

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To follow up on our Vaginagate roundup post from yesterday, now that the trending on Twitter had died down, here are our top 30 picks for best #vaginamovielines Tweets of the past week, so you can avoid scrolling through the endless stream of mediocrity and get straight to the good stuff:

NEGATIVE (from the perspective of Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas, the would-be Emperor of vaginas):

  1. “Say ‘vagina’ again. Say ‘vagina’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say ‘vagina’ one more Goddamn time! ” (Pulp Fiction)
  2. “If I only had a vagina.” (The Wizard of Oz)
  3. “The first rule of Vagina Club: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT VAGINA CLUB.” (Fight Club)
  4. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a vagina.” (Gone with the Wind)
  5. “Frankly Vagina, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone with the Wind)
  6. “Whatever you do, don’t get it wet. And never, ever, feed it after midnight.” (Gremlins)
  7. “Is your muffin buttered? … Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?” (Mean Girls)
  8. “Love means never having to say ‘vagina’.” (Love Story)
  9. “I am SICK and TIRED of these MOTHERFUCKING VAGINAS on this MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!” (Snakes on a Plane)
  10. “Lions and tigers and vaginas, oh my!” (The Wizard of Oz)
  11. “What’s in the box?!” (Se7en)
  12. “I’m king of the vagina!” (Titanic)
  13. “I don’t like your vagina name. I don’t like your vagina face. I don’t like your vagina behavior, and I don’t like you, vagina. Do I make myself clear?” (The Big Lebowski)
  14. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little vagina, too.” (The Wizard of Oz)
  15. “Vaginas? We ain’t got no vaginas. We don’t need no vaginas! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ vaginas!” (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)

Read the 15 POSITIVE Tweets (from the perspective of Rep. Lisa Brown’s, brave defender of vaginas) on SUNfiltered

 



How to Spot a Hipster in the Wild

May 17, 2012

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photo via flickr

How is it possible that hipsters have been around since the 1940s? (At least according to the OED, which equates the word with “hepcat.” Er, thanks for that.) Even stranger still, how is it possible that hipsters have been around since the 1940s and we still can’t exactly put our finger on what one is? In recent years the hipster even became a subject for academic (or at least highbrow) debate, with the fancy-pants journal n+1 sponsoring an entire symposium called “What Was the Hipster?” which became a book by the same name. Unfortunately we suspect the folks at n+1 of being hipsters in denial, which is why we can’t bear to read their book on the topic. We’d rather get our hipster spotting tips from Vice magazine’s Do’s and Don’ts feature, which has proved again and again that hipsters are kind of like porn: you know one when you see one. Or then there’s the blog HipstersFuckingLove.com. It’s not exactly a reliable source of information given that it’s updated monthly at the most, but there are some gems in there. Here are some of our favorites (none of which should come as a surprise to anyone who’s browsed the hipster dating profiles on sites like Nerve.com and OKCupid):

  • Hipsters fucking love feminist porn.
  • Hipsters fucking love board games.
  • Hipsters fucking love cupcakes.
  • Hipsters fucking love grammar.
  • Hipsters fucking love TED talks.
  • Hipsters fucking love mix cds.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered



Top 10 Pickup Lines for 2012

May 7, 2012

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Most of the contributions to the recent Twitter hashtag #2012PickUpLines were pretty uninspiring. (Exhibit A: “I’d like to buy a new router for you and your friend. And ‘Route Her’ and yourself into my bedroom tonight.” Er, okay, Beavis.) But we were inspired by Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson) of THE OFFICE, who tweeted, “Can I piggy-back on your WiFi?” Okay, we didn’t exactly pee our pants laughing, but something about imagining Dwight delivering that line worked for us. So here are our best attempts at 2012 pickup lines:

  1. Wanna have a three-way with Siri?
  2. Let’s do something worth blogging about.
  3. I bet I can make you climax in 140 characters or less.
  4. ur gr8
  5. You make me want to update my relationship status.
  6. Excuse me, miss, you dropped your Kindle.
  7. Let’s invent a new shade of grey.
  8. I only watch feminist porn.
  9. Didn’t I see you on OK Cupid?
  10. I want to click your like button.
 • This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
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Women Looking Remorseful After Sexual Encounters

February 16, 2012

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photo via flickr (Note: this is not an actual example of the meme because we are law-abiding bloggers and don’t steal images, even to make fun of them! You’ll have to visit the links below to see examples.)

Back in December, we wrote about the stock photo cliche of a couple’s bare feet sticking out from under the covers. Those photos are always used to accompany sex stories, and we have no idea why. Who has sex like that?!  We had no idea back then that a whole internet meme was brewing about the ridiculousness of stock photos. First came women laughing alone with salad. Then there were the hilarious (or sexually suggestive, we suppose? if you’re into that kind of thing) women struggling to drink water. And now, from the blog Vagenda (tagline “Like King Lear, but for girls”), there are stock photos of women looking remorseful after sexual encounters.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered



Top 10 Dirtier Books

January 26, 2012

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photo via Flickr

A few weeks back we jumped on the Twitter hashtag #lessambitiousbooks bandwagon, with a list of our Top 10 Less Ambitious Sex Books (The Joy of Dry Humping, Slight Hangup About Flying, etc.). This time around we figured we’d create our own damn hashtag — #dirtierbooks — so that nobody could accuse us of being late to the game. The trick with #dirtierbooks is to be clever without sounding like a cheesy porno (The Da Vinci Load, A Tale of Two Titties, et al). Below are our top 10 best attempts. So, er, anyone want to jump on our bandwagon? (That came out dirtier than we meant it.)

  1. Who Moved My Cucumber?
  2. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret — I’m About to Masturbate and I Don’t Want You Watching
  3. The Masochistic Tree
  4. The Lord of the Cock Rings (okay, we admit that one’s walking the porno line)
  5. Wife-Swapping on Tuesdays with Morrie
  6. The Girl Who Played Without a Safe Word
  7. A Room with a View of the Neighbors’ Bedroom
  8. Oh, the Orifices You’ll Go!
  9. Bi-Curious George
  10. Men Are From Mars, Women Want to Do Them With Strap-Ons

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
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