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Bi-Curious George: The Best of #RuinAChildrensBook

March 26, 2014


This week’s most fun hashtag trending on Twitter was #RuinAChildrensBook. Given that we each have two small kids and we’ve been writing about sex for fifteen years — often between diaper changes and school runs — this hashtag was practically made for us. Here are our favorite ruined book titles that we posted to Twitter this week:

1. Harry Potter and the Red Room of Pain #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

2. The Poky Little Penis #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

3. Pierre’s Penis Pump: A Cautionary Tale in Five Chapters and a Prologue #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

4. Pat “The Bunny” #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

5. Bi-Curious George #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar Who Only Had a Teaspoon of Cottage Cheese All Day and Still Feels Guilty #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

7. Lilly’s Purple Plastic Vibrator #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

8. Tales of a Fourth Grade Anorexic #RuinAChildrensBook

– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

9. Charlie and the Fudge Factory #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

10. Please Don’t Tickle Me Elmo #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014


Which Disney Princess Are You? (Em & Lo Style)

January 27, 2014


Results from the Zimbio quiz “Which Disney Princess Are You?” have been popping up in our Facebook feed this week. Most of them are as saccharine and subtly sexist as the Disney movies themselves:

They’re just begging for a more honest edit, with a little tough love thrown in — one that reflects the disturbing messages about gender roles, romantic relationships and beauty often perpetuated by the Disney Princess Industrial Complex. Feel free to forward the following to any one of your friends who’s taken the quiz so they can read their real results:





Top 5 Kinds of “Porn” That Should Exist (If They Don’t Already)

January 16, 2014


Real estate porn, food porn, weather porn, disaster porn, gastro-porn, travel porn… doesn’t anyone watch plain ol’ porn anymore? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, this use of the term porn denotes “written or visual material that emphasizes the sensuous or sensational aspects of a non-sexual subject, appealing to its audience in a manner likened to the titillating effect of pornography.”

Along those lines, here are five kinds of porn we’d humbly like to propose. (And if any of them already exist, then the Internets is a stranger place than we realized.)

1. Doodie Porn. And NO, we don’t mean the 2 Girls, 1 Cup variety. We’re talking about when your poop is just so awesome that you have to take a picture and share it with the world — or, at the very least, call over your spouse/child to admire it. Why isn’t there a place to do this with strangers?

2. Dirty Laundry Pile Porn. For you people who frequently look at the pile of dirty laundry in your house — or the pile of clean, crumpled laundry waiting to be folded — and think about how it defies laws of both gravity and logic (how can the amount of laundry in the pile exceed the total amount of clothes you own?!).

3. Zit-Popping Porn. For some people, zit-popping is a disgusting but necessary act of hygiene. For others it’s a sensual, intimate experience that they like to share with loved ones. Why not with strangers, too? (Requires animated GIFs, natch.) Related: Sunburnt Skin-Peeling Porn.

4. Snowman Porn. We don’t mean images of snowmen and -women getting it on, or snowmen with snowwillies and snowwomen with snowboobies (we have a feeling all of this already exists… not to mention the WTF carrot rape scene by the snowman in the movie Jack Frost). This is what we mean: People should spend more time admiring each other’s snow creations. And no, we’re not high, we just think this would make the world a nicer place.

5. Broken Heart Porn. Why don’t we spend more time gorging on other people’s heartbreak? We’re talking photo montages of post-breakup junk food diets; before-and-after images of breakup makeovers; heartwarming tales of heartbreak-related weight loss; images of empty bathtubs where the heartbroken have slept; photos of empty boxes of cheap wine; links to post-breakup Netflix activity; transcripts of drunken booty texts to exes; and so on and on and on. This could make pretty much everyone — from the equally heartbroken to the bored to the smugly settled — feel a little better about themselves and their own situation. Which is more than we can say for most regular porn.


Funniest Reviews of the iPhone Spin the Bottle App

January 2, 2014


image via Rankopedia

The iPhone app “Spin the Bottle!” says you must be 17 to download it, but what 17 year old still plays Spin the Bottle?! There are 18,695 (and counting) reviews of this app, almost all of them hilarious. And not one of them, we’re willing to bet, is written by anyone 17 or older. Here are some of our favorites…

5 stars
this is an awesome app!!! i made out with 5 hot girls in 20 minutes!!! the one thing i have wrong with this game is if you land on your same sex. we just had to make a rule no kissing the same sex. maybe find a way to fix it??? great app though. two thumbs up!!!

1 star
Uh….ewwwww. I had a dare to kiss a chic, and Ima chic. That’s discusying! It should say are you a boy or a girl…

5 stars
this game was awesome!! me n my friends played it FOREVER!!!! n when a guy landed on a guy they were just awkward n said “ummmmm…. i’ll pass” lmao XD it wuz hilarious

5 stars
I had to kiss a guy that I had a crush on for years and we had to kiss for 4 min and we started stripping!!!!

5 stars
I love this game i got to kiss a guy ive had a crush on for so many years and it was for 4 min. then one thing lead to another and now where the best couple at school =D

5 stars
daaaaayuuuum. i played this with like 10 hot chicks it was a whole night of action

5 stars
Made out with my girlfriend for 4 mins haha. She got a little jealous when I kissed her friends lol.

1 star
Gross. Its all griss except for the minty kiss. Jk its all gross

5 stars
Dude this is awsome I got two kisses at a party from this really hat girls eigyht

5 stars
I am lesbion and I kissed this girl for 4 min then she turned lesbion how great and then we got jiggy with it after if u know what I mean:)

1 star
Worset ever. I got hep C from using this app to kiss a chick. This is f’ed up.

5 stars
I’m a boy and I kiss a hot chick. She was really hot

4 stars
It’s so cool just add more kisses with tongue and stuff like that

2 stars
I got to kiss my crush, of course I pretended that I didn’t want to because it probably would have seemed weird for him if I acted like I did. But the fact that I also had to kiss my friend is STUPID! It should totally ask u if u r a boy or girl!

4 stars
This is great and everythings cool and smoochy EXCEPT a rlly lame one “shake hands” i mean seriously

5 stars
Best app ever I got to makout with somebody that hated me Now she going out with me

1 star
Needs to be more dirty like taking your clothes of and sleeping!!

4 stars
So it was good but things like blow in ear or kiss elbow should be taken away and replaced with like, go in the closet and make out for 3 mins while the door is locked. Or at least add more action! Well I reccomend this game for bisexual because I did me, my crush, my fave you tube star, and my bff. I got her at least 5 times in 3 mins so it was creppy!

3 stars
I liked this guy for along time and I got the four min one and it was way longer than that and no we did not do it the door wouldn’t open so we just started making out and like ya so I think you should get it and it’s freeeee!!!! But if dont like like I said it’s free and if you wanna do it befor your it can help you and no I did not do it yet so yes Ima virgan and that’s how I want it till I’m married okay by the time your reading this your probly like WTF haha well peace out peps like I said it’s free get it!!!

3 stars
Some of the kisses presented are a bit creepy, such as “kiss your partners freckles.” If you want this app to be a winner, then make it so you can create your own answers. And also, asking someone to “look up” what a butterfly kiss is rediculous.

4 stars
Please add the French kiss

4 stars
This is good if u arent scared to kiss ppl

5 stars
Awesome It’s kinda stupid how it says 18+ when u buy it but I bought it anyway

5 stars
Hot!!!! This game is cool and all but there is no good things in here. I recommend u put better kissing options but dont puss gross stuff like kissing feet or anything i just wanna kissing my crush.

5 stars
Reaaallly fun me and my friends play all the time and even when it repeats better for us haha get this app its reallly cool and helps parties tht arent going so well

5 stars
This got 3 hickeys from smockin’ hot girls get it

4 stars
I mean it’s a pretty good app and everything but come on who’s gonna play spin the bottle on an iPhone all u need is hot girlz and a bottle. It’s still pretty sweet though

1 star
Omg Its not even dirty

1 star
Omg shake hands what the crap is that

5 stars
This game is SO worth it. So people say that shaking hands is stupid, it’s not! What if you got someone you don’t like? Then that saves u.

1 star
I faked my age and did it. It scared me

4 stars
Make it a two players also because my Girlfriend likes to play only with me! Please do it


Top 10 Worst “Breast Cancer Awareness” Memes

November 6, 2013


Don’t get us wrong: We’re all for raising awareness of breast cancer  (we just wish other forms of cancer had such good publicity reps), but we think sometimes all this supposed “awareness” can lull people into thinking they’ve actually contributed something worthwhile and concrete. At their best, these online awareness memes usually do nothing at all, and at their worst they trivialize breast cancer and can be incredibly offensive to women actually suffering from breast cancer (…or any kind of cancer…or women, period). Plus, they can overshadow campaigns that actually have a chance of helping. Whatever you think of the role of “awareness” in the fight against cancer, we’re pretty sure that the following campaigns didn’t even increase awareness (except a kind of meta awareness of the memes themselves).  They’re just pretty in pink.

1. #Mamming

Women everywhere hate squashing their boobs for a mammogram, so these Instagram pics of clothed breasts presented on various objects (a shelf, a planking friend, whatever — see pic above) are supposed to give women warm fuzzy feelings and remind them that everyone has to go through with this procedure. Or maybe it’s just an excuse for people to ogle pics of boobs. Like many breast cancer awareness memes, this one seems to have been thought up by a horny fourteen-year-old boy.

2. What Color Is Your Bra?

A few years back, women listed a color on Twitter or Facebook with no explanation — it was supposed to be the color of the bra they were wearing, and the whole “fun” of it was to leave men guessing what was going on. Breasts live in bras, geddit? So thinking about bras makes you makes you think about breasts which makes you think about breast cancer?! Couldn’t you say the same for watching Pamela Anderson jog along a beach?

3. So Fruity!

Along the same lines, women started posting random fruits as their Facebook status updates. The instructions that got  passed around depress us immeasurably: “We are playing a game. Someone proposed that we WOMEN do something special on Facebook to help with Breast Cancer Awareness. It’s easy and I’d like you to join us to help it spread. Last year it was about writing the color of the bra that your were wearing in your FB status and it left men wondering for days why the women had random colors as their status. This year it has to do with your relationship status. You will state where you are, by posting one of the codes below. Blueberry: I’m single / Pineapple: It’s complicated / Raspberry: I’m a touch and go woman / Apple: Engaged / Cherry: In a relationship / Banana: I’m married / Avocado: I’m the “other one” / Strawberry: Can’t find the right one / Lemon: Wish I was single / Grape: Wants to get married. The bra game reached TV. Let’s get this one to do the same and show everyone how powerful women are.” Yeah! Act like seventh graders online — that’ll teach ‘em!

4. I Like It on the Kitchen Counter

In this one, women suddenly started posting things like “I like it on the kitchen counter” or “I like it on the dresser” or “I like it on the couch.” Except they weren’t really talking about sex, they were talking about where they like to place their purse when they come home at night. It’s sexual innuendo, geddit? This one is straight-up inexplicable.

5. Bra-Free Day

Remember that horny fourteen-year-old boy we mentioned earlier? Yeah, he’s been at it again. Apparently someone decided that a national day to “set the tatas free” would make us all think more seriously about breast cancer. Clearly that someone, if not a fourteen-year-old horndog, is a 34A cup who never has to think twice about jogging past a construction site.

6. Dying Shit Pink

While we do kind of love the image of NFL football players in pink — taking back what was once considered a boy color (it’s true!) — there is also a kind of automatic infantalizing that often goes hand-in-hand with the hot-pinkification of products. Kansas City actually dyed its water fountain pink one year, which is not only silly and trivializing, it’s reminiscent of those bloody ocean scenes in Jaws.

7. “I Love Boobies”; “Save Second Base”; etc (on shirts, bracelets, etc.)

Isn’t it hilarious and inspiring when we all talk like those horny fourteen-year-old boys?

8. “I’m X weeks pregnant and craving X!”

Another inane social media meme. In this one, women were supposed to match the month of their birth with a corresponding number of weeks, and the date of their birth with a type of candy or sweet, to get the “I’m X weeks pregnant and craving X!” status update. Because it wasn’t enough to be trivial or provocative in a misguided attempt to raise awareness — now you get to trivialize pregnancy and fertility, too! (Infertility can be a side effect of breast cancer, did they forget that?)

9. “8.5. inches and 45 minutes.”
We’ll let the memers attempt to explain: “Ok ladies it’s that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years agame of writing a color as your status?…..or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Well this year, it’s slightly different. You need to write your shoe size,( just the number) followed by the word ‘inches’ and how long it takes to do your hair… Remember last year so many people took part it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we’re doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status’ mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part… now YOUR turn !” Would you all just please S.T.F.U. and go do something useful like donating money to cancer research, please? Somehow these memes have managed to trivialize not just breast cancer but the very essence of being a woman — in the world of breast cancer awareness, women are obsessed with their hair and their handbags and the color….


It’s like someone vomited Pepto Bismol over the entire breast cancer awareness month.


Our Favorite #MensRightsMovies on Twitter This Week

October 22, 2013


Every now and then, a hashtag comes along that renews our faith in the Twitterverse. The latest, #MensRightsMovies, cracked us up. Who knew so many people out there are thinking about equality and feminism this early in the day on a random Tuesday in October? Yay, Internets! Thanks to @jaythenerdkid for kicking off the meme. Here is a list of our favorites so far…

jay, lawful evil ‏@jaythenerdkid
Lord of the Friendzone: Fellowship of the Nice Guys #mensrightsmovies

Drew Bowie ‏@Drew_Bowie
Girl, Interrupted By A Man Who Knows Better #mensrightsmovies

Drew Bowie ‏@Drew_Bowie
I’ll tell you What Women Want #mensrightsmovies

Karen Pickering ‏@ThatPickering
You’ve Got Male Privilege #mensrightsmovies

a rad ƒïεnd ‏@ardvarc
Belittle Women #mensrightsmovies

Karen Pickering ‏@ThatPickering
I’m Afraid of Virginia Woolf #mensrightsmovies

Destroy Him My Robot ‏@r4v5
Negging Sarah Marshall #mensrightsmovies

Arturo R. Garcia ‏@aboynamedart
My Dinner With Misandry #MensRightsMovies

ncPOLTERgeist ‏@nczeitgeist
You’re Goddamned Right Boys Don’t Cry #mensrightsmovies

James Yates ‏@chicagoexpatjy
White Men Can Jump to Faulty Conclusions #MensRightsMovies

SCAREbrarian ‏@scifibrarian
Dial M for Misandry #mensrightsmovies

The Untimely Gamer ‏@untimelygamer
Driving Misandry #mensrightsmovies

Fangled Breen ‏@GuildedLady
What About Bob? He’s a Nice Guy #mensrightsmovies

SCAREbrarian ‏@scifibrarian
Raging Bullshit #mensrightsmovies

Brendan Collins ‏@BCollzy
12 Angry Men Who Have Feelings Too. #mensrightsmovies

Benedict ‏@realpigasus
The White Knight Rises #mensrightsmovies

Yasmina Banaszczuk ‏@miinaaa
Majority Report #mensrightsmovies

Katie Hegarty ‏@HegartyKatie
Three Men and a Child Support Payment #mensrightsmovies

Jessica Valenti ‏@JessicaValenti
Eternal Sunshine of the Misandrist Mind #mensrightsmovies

Carolyn ‏@carolynlb
Snow White and the Seven Beta Males #mensrightsmovies

J. Chlebus ‏@J_Chlebus
10 Things I Hate About You Women #MensRightsMovies

Apollo ‏@thisisapollo
Fedora The Explorer #mensrightsmovies

Jessica Valenti ‏@JessicaValenti
12 Angry Men (on Reddit) #mensrightsmovies

Mark Duval ‏@MarkDuval
Sexual Objectification Actually #MensRightsMovies

Mark Duval ‏@MarkDuval
Who Slut Shamed Jessica Rabbit? #MensRightsMovies

The Poly Pagan ‏@Falcc
My Big Fat Greek Negging #mensrightsmovies

The Miniaturist ‏@zenpalette
Guess who’s cooking dinner? #mensrightsmovies

jay, lawful evil ‏@jaythenerdkid
Field of Wet Dreams #mensrightsmovies

Sam Killermann ‏@Killermann
Dude, Where’s My Patriarchy? #mensrightsmovies

Jim ‏@mrjimwebster
Dr No Means Yes #mensrightsmovies

MJK ‏@mjkerrigan91
Let the White One In #mensrightsmovies

Jason Fraser ‏@opasx
Eat, Prey, Love #mensrightsmovies

Mark ‏@clothedvillainy
Attack of the 50-foot Career-Focused Woman #MensRightsMovies

Hublowe’en ‏@hubbit
Supermansplainer #mensrightsmovies

The Poly Pagan ‏@Falcc
American History Xplained Slowly To Women Teaching A Class On It #mensrightsmovies


Top 15 Worst “Sexy” Halloween Costumes

October 20, 2013


We recently published a top 10 list — only slightly tongue in cheek — of “sexy” Halloween costume ideas for men, in an attempt to balance out the playing field this October 31st. To highlight exactly why the world needs more Sexy John Boehner Crying and Sexy Walter White, here is a top 15 list of the worst “sexy” Halloween costumes for women. All of these costumes actually exist.



1. Sexy Deer

What’s sexier: Deer in headlights facing down an S.U.V. on the highway, or petrified deer about to be shot down by a hunter? Road kill is sooo hot.










2. Sexy Nemo

Come on, seriously? You’re Nemo?












3. Sexy Skunk

The worst part about skunk sex? The post-coital tomato sauce bath.











4. Sexy Chinese Takeout

Mmmm, don’t you just love the smell of leftover Chinese takeout in the morning?











5. Sexy Waldo

We guess you could have fun with a “Where’s Waldo’s penis” treasure hunt…?











6. Sexy Good Sandy

Really? You couldn’t just go as Bad Sandy?
It’s kind of like going as Sexy Hannah Montana.












7. Sexy Clown

Way to scare all of us, not just the children.











8. Sexy Mime

Ha ha ha ha ha. What? Sorry, we  have no words.









9. Sexy Elmo

Hasn’t poor Elmo been through enough sexual trauma already?











10. Sexy R2D2

It’s just not fair to raise a poor nerd’s hopes like that.











11. Sexy Sock Monkey

It’s like you’re actually trying to make some pedophile’s day.











12. Sexy Crayon

If you’re so determined to be sexy that you’re going to sex up a Crayola costume, why would you stick a miniature traffic cone on your head? We just don’t get it.











13. Sexy Keg

Tap this keg, geddit? It’s like a date rape costume!











14. Sexy Garfield

We never thought we’d say this, but there’s a fine line between looking like Garfield the cat and looking like a Hooters waitress.











15. Sexy Bacon

Okay, now you’re just f*&#ing with us, right?










Top 10 “Sexy” Halloween Costume Ideas for Men

October 20, 2013

1 Comment

You’d think by now we’d be unshockable, but every year we continue to be flabbergasted by the sheer range of Halloween costumes that are sexed up. (Sexy cheeseburger, seriously?!) What’s not shocking at all: That 99.9% of these costumes are for women. So here are some ideas for men who are looking to gratuitously sex up their Halloween costume this year, just to even the effed-up playing field. Disturbing results and lady boners guaranteed (and yes, Friend of Curious George: You can leave your yellow hat on):

  1. Sexy Walter White (tighty whities)
  2. Sexy Homeless Guy (criminally low-riding pants)
  3. Sexy John Boehner Crying (tell the ladies you’re weeping over wage inequality and a lack of paternity leave)
  4. Sexy Jon Stewart (suit & tie without the pressed shirt)
  5. Sexy Mr. Potato Head (googly eyes over the nipples, big nose over the genitals)
  6. Sexy Deadbeat Dad (wear a wifebeater and play hard to get)
  7. Sexy Bob Ross (invite the ladies up to see your art collection, with a wink)
  8. Sexy Man in the Yellow Hat (hang the yellow hat over your crotch)
  9. Sexy Crash Test Dummy (add a zipper to your mouth and you’re basically a gimp)
  10. Sexy Kitten (black body-conscious unitard)


Top 10 Timely Halloween Costumes for Couples

October 20, 2013


Lo and her guy a couple Halloweens ago

It’s only three weeks to Halloween, which means that if you plan on doing something more elaborate than throwing a sheet over your head and saying BOO! a lot, you better get your act together soon. So, with that in mind, here are our top ten ideas for timely Halloween costumes for couples. We make no promises that every costume below will kink up your sex life, but you’ll certainly have fun trying):

  1. Walt and Jesse from Breaking Bad, in their haz-mat suits and gas masks. (Definitely keep the masks on for sex!)
  2. So you prefer a little teasing and torture, BDSM-style? Then one of you is Jesse in handcuffs and the other is Todd, serving Jesse ice cream (it doesn’t have to be Americone Dream, but it can’t be vanilla, geddit?).
  3. Last Breaking Bad costume, we swear!: For retro appeal, one of you is Walter White in his grubby, baggy tighty-whities, and the other is a pregnant though emotionally underdeveloped Skylar.
  4. One of you is Justin Bieber in low-slung boxer-briefs, and the other is… Justin Bieber in low-slung boxer-briefs. You’re a selfie in action! Take the camera to bed with you, of course.
  5. If you plan to dress like Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke from the VMAs, we don’t want to know about it. Unless, of course, the guy in your couple dresses as Miley and the gal dresses like Robin (or you’re both gay). And most definitely bring that foam finger to bed later in the evening.
  6. Dress as a two-person humped camel, a la the Geico commercial. (We’re pretty sure you could get busy under there and no one would be the wiser. At the very least, some mutual diddling.)
  7. Dexter in black rubber protective gear + saran-wrapped victim = a fetish love affair just waiting to happen!
  8. Duck Dynasty Mr. & Mrs: It’s hardly the most original costume out there, but we’re pretty sure that Duck Dynasty-style sex is old-school down and dirty. You can leave your bandana on, as the song almost goes.
  9. Michael Douglas and Matt Damon from Behind the Candelabra: Go seventies, go tight white pants, go gaudy, go topless, go glitzy, go both ways and back again — and do it all for love, aw yeah.
  10. Close the shades and refuse to answer the door to any trick-or-treaters all night while you have hot monkey sex with your partner. Your costume? You’re a government shut-down!


Sex and Dating Acts That Should Have a 24 Hour Waiting Period

September 12, 2013


The Washington, D.C., Department of Health just posted proposed tattoo and body piercing regulations, and one of the recommendations is that a 24-hour waiting period be imposed for tattoos. In other words, if you stumble into a tattoo parlor one Saturday night and drunkenly demand a tattoo of Miley Cyrus twerking or a Chinese symbol tramp stamp, you’ll be told to sleep it off and come back the next day if you’re really sure.

Call us square, but we don’t think it’s the worst idea in the world. Here are ten other things we think would benefit from a 24-hour waiting period:

  1. Threeways.
  2. Ex sex.
  3. Matching couples’ tattoos.
  4. Sleeping with a co-worker.
  5. Anal play (so you can avoid refried beans, stock up on lube, shower, etc).
  6. Spouse-swapping.
  7. Infidelity. (Seriously, we once read a study showing that something like 99.9% of people who jump off a bridge — and live to tell about it — say they regret it right after they leap, and we have a feeling something similar might be said of infidelity: Give people 24 hours to think it over and who knows what good decisions may result?)
  8. Gossiping to all your friends about exactly what your partner did with the nipple clamps and/ or dog leash and bowl the previous night in bed.
  9. Oedipal- and/or Electra-style role-playing.
  10. Did we mention threeways?


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