Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how do guys tend to feel about this? Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): This is only good news if it’s said at the beginning, as a mood setter. If she says this before you get into the routine, then this is a license to freedom. A guy might even try out a few new tricks. But if a guy has been working long and hard to impress his lady, then this is a real ego-deflater. Say you cooked an elaborate meal and he stopped eating it halfway through — you’d take it personally too, no matter what excuse he gave.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If it happens once or twice, it’s not a big deal; if it becomes a pattern, though, he’ll start feeling resentful because you’re not opening yourself up to him (physically or emotionally), which obviously means you find him unattractive, which obviously means his penis is too small. I mean, he’ll still get his rocks off — no guy is going to be that resentful — but you’re setting yourself up for some unpleasantness.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Boy, does this question ever depend on context! It’s one thing if a woman says “It’s not going to happen to me again tonight.” It’s another if she says “It never happens to me but it’s fun so let’s do it anyway.” If she’s saying “It’s not going to happen for me tonight, as usual,” then yeah, it’s a good time to stop sex and start having a relationship.
It used to be a real mood-killer for me when a partner said “You go ahead.” Then back in the 1990s I wound up needing a medication that left my libido intact but effectively killed any chance of orgasms during partnered sex. But you know what? Even though it never “worked” for me, in the sense that orgasms were off the table I still really, really enjoyed it — even if it’s not orgasmic, it can still feel very nice, and even if you’re not going to get off, it’s both fun and satisfying to focus on your partner while she or he does.