Wise Guys: Can a Woman Say "You Go Ahead" In Bed?

photo by footfan33602

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how do guys tend to feel about this? Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): This is only good news if it’s said at the beginning, as a mood setter. If she says this before you get into the routine, then this is a license to freedom. A guy might even try out a few new tricks. But if a guy has been working long and hard to impress his lady, then this is a real ego-deflater. Say you cooked an elaborate meal and he stopped eating it halfway through — you’d take it personally too, no matter what excuse he gave.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If it happens once or twice, it’s not a big deal; if it becomes a pattern, though, he’ll start feeling resentful because you’re not opening yourself up to him (physically or emotionally), which obviously means you find him unattractive, which obviously means his penis is too small.  I mean, he’ll still get his rocks off — no guy is going to be that resentful — but you’re setting yourself up for some unpleasantness.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): Boy, does this question ever depend on context! It’s one thing if a woman says “It’s not going to happen to me again tonight.” It’s another if she says “It never happens to me but it’s fun so let’s do it anyway.” If she’s saying “It’s not going to happen for me tonight, as usual,” then yeah, it’s a good time to stop sex and start having a relationship.

It used to be a real mood-killer for me when a partner said “You go ahead.” Then back in the 1990s I wound up needing a medication that left my libido intact but effectively killed any chance of orgasms during partnered sex. But you know what? Even though it never “worked” for me, in the sense that orgasms were off the table I still really, really enjoyed it — even if it’s not orgasmic, it can still feel very nice, and even if you’re not going to get off, it’s both fun and satisfying to focus on your partner while she or he does.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I found this kind of funny because, while I’ve never experienced this situation first-hand, the reverse is pretty common. Anorgasmia is a condition with which I’m quite familiar and it’s not unusual for me to say ‘I just don’t think it’s going to happen for me.’ My perspective is similar to Figleaf’s in that, for me, the journey is the destination. With my first girlfriend, in particular, I think it was more of an issue for her than for me. Sometimes she was frustrated and saw it as an indictment of her mad skillz, but more often she was endearingly concerned. Ultimately, the reasons for my condition led to our demise although they were not unique to her and have persisted throughout my sexually active life.

  2. @Lainey — so your argument is that they devalue the process of cooking food? or you just wanted to wax poetic on comparing the two?
    total prose.

  3. Look, I understand it’s disappointing for a guy when a girl can’t get that into it – but both LA Chris and philipp are severely underestimating the effort it takes to cook someone a meal.

    Unless you’ve taken the time to go shopping for the ingredients to her orgasm, then went home and spent half an hour prepping everything surrounding the orgasm, THEN another twenty to thirty actually cooking it up and presenting it to her, only to have her not finish it off… Only then would it maybe be an apt comparison.

    If all you’re going to do is take out some instant noodles and throw hot water on it, then quit bitching if she only takes a bite.

  4. My man is totally happy if I cannot orgasm – he can tell I have had a good time. It is really unpleasant when one HAS to orgasm or fake it to get some self-righteous man off one’s case. Therefore, I suggest all parties just be understanding of the other person’s situation. 🙂

  5. Even though LA Chris’s example is a little too cliche (cooking a meal for your hubby), the general point he makes is spot on. Of course men know that it is not necessarily their fault if their partner does not get there, despite the guy’s best effort. But of course guys feel a little disappointed if it happens. It would be the same in any other context. You spend thought and effort to do your partner something good, and he is not having such a good time as hoped. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but still kinda sad.

  6. as a woman i understand that saying midway that it’s not going to happen can be discouraging, but a guy has to remember it could be a multitude of things. for example if i’m drunk sometimes i just can’t get there, even though when sober my boyfriend can make me have multiple ones. there is also the factor of stress etc where maybe we are turned on and enjoying it but just not focused enough to actually arrive at the endpoint. boys, it’s not personal and at least for me it is still enjoyable and fun even if you don’t make us orgasm every single time!

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