Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies Too?

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “You often hear how the rape fantasy is common in the minds of many women. Do men have this fantasy, too?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I’m sure lots of men have rape fantasies. Between the taboo, the adrenaline-violence link, and the shifting dynamics of power, using force in the bedroom could be a powerful turn-on — especially if it was her idea. Despite our space needles and car phones, we’re evolved animals and can be provoked by really primal actions. I’m guessing that some percentage of guys who won’t try it, do so because they’re afraid of the repercussions of actually liking it.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): First of all, I don’t know who actually has them more often, but I get the impression that more women than men seem willing to disclose their rape fantasies. Based on my own experience, though, I think it’s important to mention that the term “rape fantasy” covers an awful lot of different ideas. So when you say “rape fantasy” you could be talking about Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlett O’Hara up the grand staircase or something that might scare Ted Bundy. And both men and women’s fantasies cover the whole range. One more good reminder why communication and negotiation are important when translating fantasy into roleplaying.

In my teens I had a lot of fairly vanilla rape fantasies, inspired in part by “bodice ripper” romance novels and in part by the much more direct Victorian BDSM novel A Man With a Maid. This was furthered by two of my earliest girlfriends who shared the fantasies (and their romance novels) with me. Roleplaying was lots of fun — but not for everyone, as I pretty quickly figured out with the next couple of partners.

Years later I was involved with someone whose ideas of roleplaying were so dark I felt a little uncomfortable — and even more so when she mentioned what she really fantasized about when I was trying my best. And that’s a great reminder that what we fantasize about and what we actually want to do in real life can be very different things.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Having spent part of the morning watching that masterpiece of cinematography and direction Caesar’s Hard-Hat Gang Bang, I’ll say that gay men can certainly enjoy the occasional rape fantasy, though, to be honest, in this and other films of its ilk I’ve seen, any reasonable facsimile of resistance tends to disappear entirely before five seconds have passed, so I don’t know whether it can be classified as a true rape fantasy according to the strictest standards.  I have to assume that any straight men who harbor a rape fantasy are no more scrupulous about this than we are.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Say Something

29 Comments on "Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies Too?"

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Since there were people who wanted to know if guys have submissive ravishment fantasies too, I think I’m gonna throw in my personal two cents. I’m a (mostly) heterosexual, young male, and personally, I’ve had submissive fantasies since I started having sexual fantasies. Situations where I have to service sexually a mistress, with heavy emphasis on how, in the fantasy, she owns me and never forgets to let the fact known, other fantasies where a strong, big woman forces me physically and situations where I’m used by a group of women, sometimes even tied to a rock along with a… Read more »
Tony, just an FYI that despite the people who end up in the news, there is usually in any metropolitan area a very legit BDSM community. I have a group of friends that includes a sizable chunk of people who are into that sort of thing. In my experience these people are excellent communicators, emphasizing trust and safety above all. I really have been blown away by just how much class they demonstrate. They are careful about who they let in (no one who is unbalanced/nuts). Start researching it online and you will know when you find what I am… Read more »

To answer both questions – yes, I have rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the aggressor, and rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the victim. I have never tried either (nor known and trusted anyone enough to discuss the subject), but I would love to find someone with whom I can explore both sides of this.

I do think as a prerequisite I would need to completely trust my partner, and vice versa, for this to “work”.

I also wonder when and how I would ever broach this subject with a partner.


me and my girl have had regular threesomes and looking for a dom guy to do us both, so yes

Simple girl

I have fantasies about raping my boyfriend.. Just rip him apart while he’s tied to a bed or something. I just wanna see how he reacts to the pain and pleasure and i wanna keep playing with him even when he’s begging me to stop. I just like having control over someone who’s stronger and bigger than me.. Makes me feel powerful and turns me on like hell! But I wanna know if men really like it or not and how far I can really go.. 😛 like do men like being humiliated and abused in the bedroom.. ?


^ Dangerous things flourish in the dark. I think social and sexual isolation may have twisted you in some powerful ways. You make me a little nervous, brah. Lots of people have rape fantasies, but yours seem deeper-seated than the usual, “I dunno, I just think it’s a hot fantasy” situation.

Maybe this is something you want to talk to a therapist about?

I have fantasies about actual rape of a woman, sometimes several women. Not proud of it, but it really gets me off, and to clarify real rape not some sort of consensual sadism. If I had to analyze it, I would say it has to do with my inability to deal socially with women, so in fantasy rape involves not getting their consent,its erotic because I don’t need it, and because in fantasy it ends after the act, and don’t really deal with the after-effects.To be clear this is a fantasy, and I know the difference. In real life I… Read more »