Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies Too?

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “You often hear how the rape fantasy is common in the minds of many women. Do men have this fantasy, too?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I’m sure lots of men have rape fantasies. Between the taboo, the adrenaline-violence link, and the shifting dynamics of power, using force in the bedroom could be a powerful turn-on — especially if it was her idea. Despite our space needles and car phones, we’re evolved animals and can be provoked by really primal actions. I’m guessing that some percentage of guys who won’t try it, do so because they’re afraid of the repercussions of actually liking it.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): First of all, I don’t know who actually has them more often, but I get the impression that more women than men seem willing to disclose their rape fantasies. Based on my own experience, though, I think it’s important to mention that the term “rape fantasy” covers an awful lot of different ideas. So when you say “rape fantasy” you could be talking about Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlett O’Hara up the grand staircase or something that might scare Ted Bundy. And both men and women’s fantasies cover the whole range. One more good reminder why communication and negotiation are important when translating fantasy into roleplaying.

In my teens I had a lot of fairly vanilla rape fantasies, inspired in part by “bodice ripper” romance novels and in part by the much more direct Victorian BDSM novel A Man With a Maid. This was furthered by two of my earliest girlfriends who shared the fantasies (and their romance novels) with me. Roleplaying was lots of fun — but not for everyone, as I pretty quickly figured out with the next couple of partners.

Years later I was involved with someone whose ideas of roleplaying were so dark I felt a little uncomfortable — and even more so when she mentioned what she really fantasized about when I was trying my best. And that’s a great reminder that what we fantasize about and what we actually want to do in real life can be very different things.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Having spent part of the morning watching that masterpiece of cinematography and direction Caesar’s Hard-Hat Gang Bang, I’ll say that gay men can certainly enjoy the occasional rape fantasy, though, to be honest, in this and other films of its ilk I’ve seen, any reasonable facsimile of resistance tends to disappear entirely before five seconds have passed, so I don’t know whether it can be classified as a true rape fantasy according to the strictest standards.  I have to assume that any straight men who harbor a rape fantasy are no more scrupulous about this than we are.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. Since there were people who wanted to know if guys have submissive ravishment fantasies too, I think I’m gonna throw in my personal two cents.

    I’m a (mostly) heterosexual, young male, and personally, I’ve had submissive fantasies since I started having sexual fantasies. Situations where I have to service sexually a mistress, with heavy emphasis on how, in the fantasy, she owns me and never forgets to let the fact known, other fantasies where a strong, big woman forces me physically and situations where I’m used by a group of women, sometimes even tied to a rock along with a group of other boys and used as “chair” while they pleasure themselves and have dinner, as strange as that sounds. Another recurring element is threats or being talked down (ie: “You’re just my slave, never forget that!”) and, again, weird, I know, demonic features like wings or horns.

  2. Tony, just an FYI that despite the people who end up in the news, there is usually in any metropolitan area a very legit BDSM community. I have a group of friends that includes a sizable chunk of people who are into that sort of thing. In my experience these people are excellent communicators, emphasizing trust and safety above all. I really have been blown away by just how much class they demonstrate. They are careful about who they let in (no one who is unbalanced/nuts). Start researching it online and you will know when you find what I am talking about… one thing to remember is that BDSM does not always involve ropes and chains, sometimes it is just “realistic costumes” (i.e. like a ski mask and heavy clothes for a “male rapist”)

    The wikipedia article is excellent BTW, relatively thorough:

    One thing I heard from you that I hear a LOT from people who are in that classy/safe BDSM community is that everything in what they do is trust, trust, trust. Not just on the part of someone who is tied up or being “ravished/raped” but talking before and afterwards about what they like and don’t like. They usually get together in groups and do what they call a “scene” which is acting out some kind of fantasy that always has a “safe word” to stop the scene. There is usually a host who knows and verifies the background of everyone there. Despite a scene being private they usually have someone who is designated to keep tabs on everything making sure that the “safe word” stays sacrosanct.

    In case anyone is wondering, I have never been to one of these but my friends are very open about it and I find it very interesting so I am sort of an armchair analyst as it were…

    Tony, you sound like your head and heart are in the right place so best of luck to you!

  3. To answer both questions – yes, I have rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the aggressor, and rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the victim. I have never tried either (nor known and trusted anyone enough to discuss the subject), but I would love to find someone with whom I can explore both sides of this.

    I do think as a prerequisite I would need to completely trust my partner, and vice versa, for this to “work”.

    I also wonder when and how I would ever broach this subject with a partner.

  4. I have fantasies about raping my boyfriend.. Just rip him apart while he’s tied to a bed or something. I just wanna see how he reacts to the pain and pleasure and i wanna keep playing with him even when he’s begging me to stop. I just like having control over someone who’s stronger and bigger than me.. Makes me feel powerful and turns me on like hell! But I wanna know if men really like it or not and how far I can really go.. 😛 like do men like being humiliated and abused in the bedroom.. ?

  5. ^ Dangerous things flourish in the dark. I think social and sexual isolation may have twisted you in some powerful ways. You make me a little nervous, brah. Lots of people have rape fantasies, but yours seem deeper-seated than the usual, “I dunno, I just think it’s a hot fantasy” situation.

    Maybe this is something you want to talk to a therapist about?

  6. I have fantasies about actual rape of a woman, sometimes several women. Not proud of it, but it really gets me off, and to clarify real rape not some sort of consensual sadism. If I had to analyze it, I would say it has to do with my inability to deal socially with women, so in fantasy rape involves not getting their consent,its erotic because I don’t need it, and because in fantasy it ends after the act, and don’t really deal with the after-effects.To be clear this is a fantasy, and I know the difference. In real life I find women to be rather frightening, and all the sexual attraction is all locked up with lots of guilt, fear of intimacy,need to connect with lots and lots of fear. That coupled with a inability to understand people in general means I have problems associating with people. But I still need people you see, still need sex. So I guess in fantasy I am powerful when in reality I am weak, compensation I suppose. It’s also about pain, about making the other feel my pain, about dominance about making them weak so I can feel strong. Anyway that’s my own navel gazing analysis, its a fantasy, not healthy exactly. But then it’s in my own head, and that is where it stays. Final solution is probably a more healthy social life correlating with less fantasy and more reality in talking with people, thus stabilizing the fantasy into a more healthy pattern.

    In the fantasy you can be anything you want, no matter how dark, just be wary about the dividing line between the fantasy and reality, heh?

  7. It’s only rape if you don’t want to do it. Otherwise it’s just sadistic, strongly dominant-submissive sex. It’s never rape if it’s consensual sex. Let’s not blur the line because rape is a serious and horrifying thing for a lot of women.

  8. I am a bi male, and I VERY much have rape fantasies, where I am the one forced to sexually serve others…male and/or female. I have played this out on a few occasions in a very mild way. But those times did involve rough sexual use, hard deep penetration with little or NO control sexually. A hard cock or toy rammed in, before I had a chance to scream or get used to it, another rammed into my throat. Then I was fucked for a LONG time. I so want it again!

  9. lol @ matbo “sometimes have consensual sex with my boyfriend, where I resist and he pins me down. That’s not ravishment, it’s rape – thus the name.”

    consensual sex ≠ rape.

  10. I have rape fantasies as well, but in mine it only sometimes when I’m feeling really erotic does it go all the way to actual sex. It is usually just foreplay and being pressed against a wall and kissed against my will. It usually ends with being saved by the sexy attacker by a handsome man and carried to safety. Yay!

  11. J Kirkwood OH MY GOD!!! It’s like I wrote your message. :)))) Well, it’s nice to see someone who has the same sort of approach to sex.

  12. I also think about being raped all the time.. By hot guys I see ..neighbors.. Cops!!!
    I do have both kinds, though.. just being overpowered, held down and used… AND actual rape .. A stranger .. In my mind sexy.. But scary and rough slaps me.. Gags me with… Well.. You know and has me in tears with his force and size.
    I get turned on just standing behind a big 6′ something guy in line… With big hands and feet towering over me… and just find it incredibly sexy to think that he could easily use me for his pleasure .. against my will.
    I like to hold a stare into a strangers eyes for a few seconds longer than usual … Thinking “naughty” thoughts and wonder if he might be too. I think some guys can tell when I’m looking at them in a lustful way and just find men to be a lot more sexual in general than women. Even though I’m too shy and a “nice girl”… I think that most times if I could ask or hint to a guy to come F me.. Most would!!! Where women would act like it were the end of the world to be propositioned by a stranger. So, maybe it is because I love sex and men and am always in the mood .. but shy and reserved I would love for a man to be forceful and not give me a say??

  13. I have fantasies too of being sexually forced, pinned down and used against my will by a man, and obsess about dominant sadistic men. Id love to chat with others who have similiar fantasies, nice to know i’m not the only one. And it’s not wrong to have these fantasies, there is always someone, the vanilla kind, who tries to say its wrong blah blah but it’s not real rape!!

  14. …it’s all good drabman….you enjoy your fantasy land…as we all do. I have rape fantasies all the time and *explode* as a result. The thought of a particularly hottie hot hot forcing me against my will to blow or fuk him— wow. Pick me! Pick me!!

  15. Hell yeah! I have rape fantasies all the fukin time. Not anything painful for real- no punching, stabbing or anything. The whole thing is the guy (in the imagination) is usually a hot guy you would WANT to have sex with anyway- he is so turned on by you he can’t help himself and uses he’s physical strength to pick you up, carry you to the room, pin you down and force your legs open and penetrate you hard and fast. What’s NOT to like? Hottest thing ever. Though it’s not really rape- because you’d do him anyway. I think it’s actually to do with a man showing he’s physical power in a way that gets you off and doesn’t hurt you. Real rape is fuking disgusting- with losers and you really and don’t know if you will live or die during and after- the whole violation- if u haven’t gotten raped- imagine the feeling after getting your house robbed- but 1000x worse.

    Say a hot girl is all over you- and she ties you up and rides you, gives you a blow job wotever. Most guys would like that. Now, say some disgusting fat ugly chick tied you up, she’s got stinky infected pussy or something- has warts all over her body ( just genuinely a women u wouldnt want is wot i’m saying)- slipped a viagra in your drink before hand and just got on you, started punching you in the face or putting a gun to your head. Do you see the diffrence?

    One is actually wanted the other is fuking horrorific.

  16. Those who are saying “no one has rape fantasies” how do you know? Have you been into the mind of every living person on this planet? No! Some people will have rape fantasies, and to be honest i dont think there is anything wrong with it. I’d rather my partner tell me about such fantasies than actually to go out and rape someone.

  17. @Tomio: female here and oh are you wrong! I not just fantasise about someone forcing me to have sex against my will, I fantasise about it being bloody, violent, done by many men and quite painfully so – and I get off on it like a rocket. I’m not fantasising about some orchestrated aggressive sadistic partner I can direct as please. I fantasise about rape. Period.

  18. No one has rape fantasies. Fantasies of having an aggressive, even sadistic, partner – yes.

    Rape is, by definition, something you DON’T want to happen. It is when someone forces a person to have sex against their will. It is a misuse of the term “rape” and one more way to trivialize a horrible crime.

  19. Nina, marry me. 🙂 Intelligent Aggressive heterosexual women are SMOKING HOT. I’m shaking already just thinking about your mind. 😉

  20. ^ Yes, I fantasize about being aggressed by a group of mean angry women. I wouldn’t say raped – again, in my imagination I let them do it – but the thought of being very ill-treated sexually by one or several women is a huge turn on.

    It’s one fantasy I regret not having been able to accomplish for real up till now. My girlfriend, sexually mean though she can be, is only one woman, and she’s not down with other chicks. So attempts to actually fulfill this fantasy are indefinitely on hold. Sigh.

  21. I’m glad that Spes already commented on this. It irks me that the term “rape fantasies” is always taken as shorthand for “a fantasy wherein a man has his way with a woman who is pretending not to consent.”
    I am a woman and I have fantasies about being the “aggressor” in that sort of situation. I was hoping that this article would, at the very least, acknowledge that I might exist. I’m particularly disappointed in Figleaf, who seems to have bought into the Two Rules of Desire that he defined as being “bogus.”
    All kinds of people have all kinds of fantasies. I would never actually do anything to a partner against his will, but in a fantasy setting, that’s probably among my top turn-ons. It would be nice to know if any guys even consider the option of heterosexual female-perpetrated fantasy rape. According to these three wise guys though, it doesn’t even merit a passing mention.

  22. I find it interesting that the guys responded about ‘rape fantasies’ as being the ‘aggressors’. What I’d really like to know is if guys have ‘rape fantasies’ being the ‘victim’?
    And to expand on that, how common is it for women to have ‘rape fantasies’ as the ‘aggressors’?

  23. @matbo I agree completely and also, my sexuality does not have to be PC. I like what I like and it’s not political or about what other women should like. Of course it is consensual and with a trusted partner.

  24. To clear up – yes I have fantasies about people using me forcibly against my own will.
    Secondly I meant that it would not make me feel any less violated were I raped

  25. @Claire. I see your point, I do. Rape is wrong and maybe when women fantasize about rape they are more fantasizing about being ravished. But please realize that the mind is a safe place where you can imagine things you’d never actually want to to in real life – for example two of your high school teachers doing you anally and vaginally at the same time.
    I have rape fantasies, and I sometimes have consensual sex with my boyfriend, where I resist and he pins me down. That’s not ravishment, it’s rape – thus the name. To me this would never diminish actual rape or make me feel any less violated… What goes on in the privacy of womans or mans own mind should not be censored.

  26. I just want to say that I am very very offended by the term “rape fantasy.” The word rape implies something being done to you (completely against your will) that you do not want. It should not be used in context with the word fantasy. People of course may have fantasies where they wanted to be dominated/be submissive…but the people involved still wants to be participating in whatever sexual act they are participating in. No one actually wants to experience what actually being raped would feel like. It’s completely offensive how often people say that women have “rape fantasies.” Women might have fantasies about someone taking control (generally someone they find attractive and of course should trust) but as far as I believe never about someone forcibly using their body against their will. If anything it should be called a “ravishment fantasy” because the word rape, especially in context with women, creates a greater possibility for people to take rape less seriously and disturbing as it is, to take the idea that women have “rape fantasies” to mean that it’s okay to rape someone. Rape is constantly used in ways that make it sound like a joke when in reality it happens to so many people around the world, so many friends and family members….and do you really think that they want hear that people have fantasies about what has happened to them?! I just really don’t think that the word rape should ever be used in this context.Find a new language to speak about this kind of fantasy.

  27. I’d say I have domination fantasies more than rape fantasies. I like her to either play the submissive role from the start, or be “broken” into a willingly submissive role.

    But actual rape? That’s more my girl’s fantasy. At first it was hot as hell – the wrongness, the adrenaline – but now, you know what? It’s actually a lot of work to “rape” someone, and to keep up the fantasy convincingly for the entire sexual encounter.

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