Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies Too?

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “You often hear how the rape fantasy is common in the minds of many women. Do men have this fantasy, too?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I’m sure lots of men have rape fantasies. Between the taboo, the adrenaline-violence link, and the shifting dynamics of power, using force in the bedroom could be a powerful turn-on — especially if it was her idea. Despite our space needles and car phones, we’re evolved animals and can be provoked by really primal actions. I’m guessing that some percentage of guys who won’t try it, do so because they’re afraid of the repercussions of actually liking it.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): First of all, I don’t know who actually has them more often, but I get the impression that more women than men seem willing to disclose their rape fantasies. Based on my own experience, though, I think it’s important to mention that the term “rape fantasy” covers an awful lot of different ideas. So when you say “rape fantasy” you could be talking about Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlett O’Hara up the grand staircase or something that might scare Ted Bundy. And both men and women’s fantasies cover the whole range. One more good reminder why communication and negotiation are important when translating fantasy into roleplaying.

In my teens I had a lot of fairly vanilla rape fantasies, inspired in part by “bodice ripper” romance novels and in part by the much more direct Victorian BDSM novel A Man With a Maid. This was furthered by two of my earliest girlfriends who shared the fantasies (and their romance novels) with me. Roleplaying was lots of fun — but not for everyone, as I pretty quickly figured out with the next couple of partners.

Years later I was involved with someone whose ideas of roleplaying were so dark I felt a little uncomfortable — and even more so when she mentioned what she really fantasized about when I was trying my best. And that’s a great reminder that what we fantasize about and what we actually want to do in real life can be very different things.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Having spent part of the morning watching that masterpiece of cinematography and direction Caesar’s Hard-Hat Gang Bang, I’ll say that gay men can certainly enjoy the occasional rape fantasy, though, to be honest, in this and other films of its ilk I’ve seen, any reasonable facsimile of resistance tends to disappear entirely before five seconds have passed, so I don’t know whether it can be classified as a true rape fantasy according to the strictest standards.  I have to assume that any straight men who harbor a rape fantasy are no more scrupulous about this than we are.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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29 Comments on "Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies Too?"

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1 year 9 months ago

Since there were people who wanted to know if guys have submissive ravishment fantasies too, I think I’m gonna throw in my personal two cents.

I’m a (mostly) heterosexual, young male, and personally, I’ve had submissive fantasies since I started having sexual fantasies. Situations where I have to service sexually a mistress, with heavy emphasis on how, in the fantasy, she owns me and never forgets to let the fact known, other fantasies where a strong, big woman forces me physically and situations where I’m used by a group of women, sometimes even tied to a rock along with a group of other boys and used as “chair” while they pleasure themselves and have dinner, as strange as that sounds. Another recurring element is threats or being talked down (ie: “You’re just my slave, never forget that!”) and, again, weird, I know, demonic features like wings or horns.

2 years 1 month ago

Tony, just an FYI that despite the people who end up in the news, there is usually in any metropolitan area a very legit BDSM community. I have a group of friends that includes a sizable chunk of people who are into that sort of thing. In my experience these people are excellent communicators, emphasizing trust and safety above all. I really have been blown away by just how much class they demonstrate. They are careful about who they let in (no one who is unbalanced/nuts). Start researching it online and you will know when you find what I am talking about… one thing to remember is that BDSM does not always involve ropes and chains, sometimes it is just “realistic costumes” (i.e. like a ski mask and heavy clothes for a “male rapist”)

The wikipedia article is excellent BTW, relatively thorough:

One thing I heard from you that I hear a LOT from people who are in that classy/safe BDSM community is that everything in what they do is trust, trust, trust. Not just on the part of someone who is tied up or being “ravished/raped” but talking before and afterwards about what they like and don’t like. They usually get together in groups and do what they call a “scene” which is acting out some kind of fantasy that always has a “safe word” to stop the scene. There is usually a host who knows and verifies the background of everyone there. Despite a scene being private they usually have someone who is designated to keep tabs on everything making sure that the “safe word” stays sacrosanct.

In case anyone is wondering, I have never been to one of these but my friends are very open about it and I find it very interesting so I am sort of an armchair analyst as it were…

Tony, you sound like your head and heart are in the right place so best of luck to you!

2 years 3 months ago

To answer both questions – yes, I have rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the aggressor, and rape/ravishment fantasies where I am the victim. I have never tried either (nor known and trusted anyone enough to discuss the subject), but I would love to find someone with whom I can explore both sides of this.

I do think as a prerequisite I would need to completely trust my partner, and vice versa, for this to “work”.

I also wonder when and how I would ever broach this subject with a partner.

2 years 4 months ago

me and my girl have had regular threesomes and looking for a dom guy to do us both, so yes

Simple girl
2 years 4 months ago

I have fantasies about raping my boyfriend.. Just rip him apart while he’s tied to a bed or something. I just wanna see how he reacts to the pain and pleasure and i wanna keep playing with him even when he’s begging me to stop. I just like having control over someone who’s stronger and bigger than me.. Makes me feel powerful and turns me on like hell! But I wanna know if men really like it or not and how far I can really go.. 😛 like do men like being humiliated and abused in the bedroom.. ?