And the Winner of Our Masturbation Month Haiku Contest Is . . .


Kids at last asleep
My wife went out to Costco
A break from laundry
— Carol R.

Congratulations to Carol, who will soon be the proud owner of a luxury Ina Wave pleasure object from LELO.com (worth $200). With so many fantastic entries to choose from, it was a tough call to make, but we settled on this haiku because it did so many positive things within such a limited space: 1) It emphasized the importance of setting aside time for self pleasure even when you’re busy, i.e. married with kids and a ton of chores to do at night because you and your partner both work during the day; 2) it portrayed an egalitarian relationship (she’s at the store while her spouse is home doing laundry); and 3) the juxtaposition of the incredibly mundane with the suggestion of a secret sexual self-tryst was just plain delightful!


No mister right now
But I need not worry how
My vibe is my plow!
— Robin

Congratulations to Robin, who’ll be receiving an elegant bottle of LELO’s Personal Lubricant. Not only does this haiku emphasize empowerming sexual independence (especially for straight women, who are too often defined in terms of their relationships to and with men), but it freakin’ rhymes! Not that that is a requirement of the haiku, but major points for poetic effort!


Thanks to LELO.com for sponsoring this contest and, most importantly, thanks to everyone who sent in entries! Here are some of our other favorites that made picking winners so very challenging:

The Romantic:

When you are away
I think of us as one. Bliss.
Almost like you’re here.

The Sedative:

Circles of pleasure
Bring me to rapture alone.
What fun! Joy, then sleep.

— Jenna


The Good Question:

Canoodle alone?
Why not, a date with myself
Tonight hits the spot
— Aaron


The Nature Lover:

Drops of moisture form
As I touch my garden bush
Like morning dew drops
— D.


The Clever Orgy:

Threesome is good fun
The three I choose to do are
Me, myself and I
— Joe


The Surprisingly Hilarious:

Wife is sound asleep.
Rub one out…hot videos
Golden Girls mmm mmmm
— Mike


The Most Creative Spelling:

Clit press panties play
Pleasure all day evryday
Come again again
— Lola



When giving pleasure
It is important to know
Best pleasure yourself!
— Billie


The Wisdom of Elders:

Self love self pleasure
We would snicker as children
So much wiser now
— Dre


The Body Positive:

You learn what you like
When you practice it alone
Start flicking that bean!

Female Empowerment:

Sometimes the best 0
Is the one you make yourself
Give a girl a hand!

— YumBug


The Rhetorical Question:

New job is hectic
No social life to speak of
Does Miss Palmer count?

The MVP:

Lets me bang the New York Knicks
Watch that game, boyfriend

— Dave W.

Just ’cause you didn’t win
doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a prize!
The Best LELO Toys Under $100