1) I fantasize about other women all the time. All The Time. I’m in a wonderful, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman. I’m able to have my fantasies, and tell her about them — which means that they become part of our relationship. Something that brings us together, rather than something that drives us apart. If you want him to never cheat, engage his fantasy life, encourage him to tell you what he wants and needs — and, if you’re lucky, if he ever feels like cheating he’ll tell you about it first!
2) Unless he’s an asshole, in which case he’ll cheat either way. But those assholes are a lot less likely to tell you about their fantasies in the first place.
3) I’m a lasagna — I’ve got fresh vegetables, great meat, melty cheese, and noodles in all the right places. Yet for some reason people still sometimes think about a hamburger. Or a salad. Or Pad Thai. Or a tomato sandwich. Or cookies. You get the idea.
4) While you’re at it, work on having your own fantasies, too. Maybe eventually you can fantasize about your BF with another gal…
5) All this openness to your partner’s dreamworld can only work if you’re 110% confident in yourself and your relationship. I can think about my gal with another guy and be okay with it — because I know she loves me, and that she’s not leaving me. I’m not threatened. This kind of trust only happens over time with the same person, and is awfully hard to achieve at 23. Be patient and open and you’ll be fine.
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do guys seem to hate talking on the phone?
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): My suspicion is that it has to do with how most straight guys talk, or rather, don’t talk. Straight men seem to not indulge in gossip and tangential storytelling when it comes to conversing with others. The phone is much more utilitarian to them. It’s about communicating the necessary information: where to meet, when, where are you parked, what should he buy your parents, etc. For the most part, they aren’t interested in talking about the banalities of daily life on the phone, and certainly not their feelings — not surprising, if you consider how difficult it is for them to talk about them in person. But whatever the reasons, don’t take it personally if he doesn’t like talking on the phone with you. In all likelihood, he is probably the same with his mom. It isn’t necessarily reflective of how he feels about you. And look on the bright(er) side: if he doesn’t like the phone, then the other option is more face time!
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I’m not sure men hate talking on the phone. I practically lived on the phone as a teenager, for instance, talking endlessly with both male and female friends. And a very informal visual survey I made while thinking about the question turned up equal numbers of men and women passing by with cellphones to their ears. None of them looked like they were hating it. I’m going to wing it here, but it’s possible that in a world where men are supposed to make the first calls to ask women out — and might have more associations with being turned down — we might feel more self-conscious about saying “the wrong thing.” Even when you make it clear you want to hear from us. (more…)
Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 23-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a nice face, a sexy figure, big boobs, a nice bum, curves in all the right places (and have been told so by many men). So why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t? After all, I am apparently the stereotypical male fantasy! And why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling their girlfriends they make them feel inadequate? Should I be with this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
— Shipwrecked on Fantasy Island
Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a reader asks Lauri:
I had a dream that I was in the living room and had taken some pills and I was getting real dizzy. Then when I was walking towards the bathroom I went into the bedroom and saw my fiance having sex with a blonde chick. Then I started throwing up. Next thing I know he was trying to help me throw up the pills. Then my phone rings in real life and it’s him calling me! What the hell?!
Lauri: Something must have happened recently that was “a hard pill for you to swallow.” The dizziness in the dream is connected to uncertainty in waking life. This issue is making your head spin! And it probably does not have to do with your fiance. But let me assure you that just because you see him having sex with another woman in your dream, doesn’t mean he is getting his pleasures elsewhere in real life… unless you have good reason to suspect him! (more…)
How novel is this? A politician sends out an email to his supporters and doesn’t ask for money…he doesn’t ask you to write letters about policy…or to volunteer your time to some campaign. He simply asks you to “remember a funny story about someone you love, smile, and be thankful.”
We heart Al Franken. Thank goodness he’s one of the Minnesota senators now.
This past Saturday, on the occasion of the 40th anniversary of the night he met Franni, his wife, he emailed all of his supporters basically an open love letter to her, acknowledging that he wouldn’t be where he is today — the United States Congress — without her. Those with a block of ice for a heart might find this a little too precious, or perhaps even inappropriate for a man in public office, but we think it’s comforting to know that at least one politician in Washington is actually a human being. Even better, a human being with a romantic streak. Here’s the letter:
I am torn. I don’t want to be a male poacher, however, “Bob,” who is my coworker, and I have undeniable chemistry. We have never physically done anything — nothing! He does say to me quite often that he wishes he and I were together. He has cooked for me, he is a vegetarian and he ate meat for me, but he says that he would feel guilty if he left his girlfriend of almost two years for me. Subsequently, we continue to have what I believe is an emotional affair. I really do care about him. I have confronted him and told him that what is happening is not fair to his girlfriend or myself, and since then, things have cooled. But I know he feels very strongly for me — so why won’t he dump her if he cares about me like he says?
–Borderline Male Poacher
Dear B.M.P.,
Ah yes, the emotional affair. As the polls on our site recently showed, both men and women agreed that it would be way worse if their partner had an emotional affair than if they had a one-night stand with someone they didn’t really care about: 40% of men said the emotional affair would suck more, 14% said the one-night stand would be worse, and 35% said they’d suck equally. Amongst the women, 52% said the emotional affair would be worse, 3% said the one-night stand would be worse, and 42% said they’d suck equally. (more…)
This ad from Korean Air called “The Color of Perfection” has been around for a while, but it’s making the rounds again on the some of the news networks (just accidentally saw it during a commercial break of the awesome “Rachel Maddow Show” after an amateur forwarding maneuver on TiVo). Some have referred to it as “sensory marketing” — with its abstract and elegant shots of the good life (art, perfume, high fashion, champagne) — but we have yet to hear anyone talk of subliminal messaging or heavy sexual undertones…
A weekly roundup of some of our favorite sex- and love-related posts from various blogs and websites:
CollegeCandy is on Team Kanye, and only slightly ashamed to say it. We’re on Team Obama-Swift, and proud as hell to say it. Also, we’ll say this: Jackass!
TresSugar lists the top 15 movies featuring cougars, including one of our favorite films of all time, Harold and Maude. (For the record, Samantha is no Maude.)
If you’re tired of being a football widow, Tom Miller wants to teach you how to trick yourself into liking football. Or, you know, you could just read a book. Or stare at the wall.
This week, the Sundance Channel launched its third season of “Green Porno,” Isabella Rossellini’s wacky exploration of all the weird ways animals do it (this time around, there are more overt environmental messages throughout). To honor the show, we’re holding another contest where one lucky EMandLO.com reader will win an eco-friendly prize pack. It includes Ella Vickers bags made out of recycled sails, “1 Bag at a Time” farmers market bags, a Boku journal made from recycled paper, a Sundance Channel T-shirt made from organic cotten, a Sundance Channel pen (eh), and a copy of the new Green Porno book! All you have to do is watch this short episode, this one, this one and this one (4 in all, not the teaser linked to above) to answer the following five contest questions, then send your correct (duh) answers to us via this form, including a way for us to reach you in case you win. (All questions apply only to creatures featured in season three of Green Porno.) We’ll choose one winner at random from those who answered correctly (sorry, only those with addresses in the United States will be considered due to shipping limitations). Good luck!
In which species does the male have a “harem” of females from which to choose a mate?
Which animal mates in “orgies” (aka, spawning)?
Which species changes gender as a part of its maturation process?
For every one of these caught, 10 other lives (called bicatch) are lost…?
Which species can communicate by luminescent effect or shape-change and show love with a “20 arm embrace”?
We have a special place in our hearts for Sherri Williams: the owner of a sex toy store called Love Stuff in Hoover, Alabama, she has been fighting her state’s ban on sex toys since the law was enacted in 1998. Yep, you read right, 1998: this isn’t an antiquated law Williams is trying to scrape off the books, it’s a shiny new law to keep all good vibrations out of Alabama. Sadly, her 11-year legal battle just hit a dead-end in the state’s Supreme Court: They voted 7-2 to reject a challenge to the state law that bans the sale of sex toys except for limited purposes.
Yesterday our first weekly column appeared in Metro, the 6th largest circulated newspaper in the U.S., with an audience of more than 1.2 million daily readers in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia. If you’re outside these three cities or missed us on your morning commute, we’ll be reprinting our how-to column, unabridged, every Wednesday. This week’s edition is on one-night stands.
Just because the sex is casual, doesn’t mean your manners should be:
Don’t have a one-night stand with a co-worker, sibling’s friend, friend’s sibling, ex’s friend, friend’s ex, mail carrier, or anyone else you’re likely to bump into often. Do have one on vacation or a business trip, but only if you don’t have someone waiting at home for you.
Make sure the fleeting nature of the encounter is mutual; if you think the other person foresees a beautiful relationship developing, abort mission. In the right kind of environment, you might even be able to say, with a cheeky grin, “Let’s have sex and never see each other again.” If not, you’ll just have to intuit things.
That said, once mutual casual interest is established, no need to harp on the issue (for example, with a post-climax “So just to confirm, I can go now, right?”). (more…)
I’ve never understood the general female sentiment (and I am female) that it’s a negative thing to “roll over” and fall asleep after sex. In my opinion, your level of exhaustion/sleepiness is directly proportional to how good the sex was. After a really fantastic session, if I lie perfectly still I can have the most wonderful floating sensation, like not having a body at all (or a modified version, where I just can’t feel my legs). That obliteration of sensation, directly following the most intense physical sensations, and the deep tiredness that immediately follows constitute the cherry on top of my sundae. I don’t want to cuddle, and I certainly don’t need to talk.
I have only my own experience to go on, but I always suspect if a woman is interested in cuddling and having an important personal conversation right after sex, she probably didn’t actually have an orgasm, or enough orgasms, or the one she had wasn’t strong enough.
Honestly, if everyone just lies there quietly and nobody makes any sudden movements, we could all just drift off into the most wonderful, deep post-sex sleep, which is one of the best things life has to offer. I urge you to give it some serious consideration.
Our contributor Abby Spector, whois double-majoring in English and Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, has a confession to make:
I lost my virginity beside a pool with a guy whose age was less than the number of people he had slept with. Before penetration he said, “I don’t want anything serious, okay?” I nodded. Commitment wasn’t in my near future. I didn’t need a magical night of rose petals and “I Love You’s” to enjoy myself. In the wise words of Khia, I just wanted to “pop my pussy.”
That was three years ago. Very little has changed. I’ve still never returned home to a candlelit dinner, a Hallmark card or John Cusack serenading me via boom box outside my window. Even my prom date didn’t give me a flower. Don’t worry, readers. This isn’t an invitation for pity. The truth is that I loathe stereotypical romantic gestures. They seem forced and sterile, full of awkward touching and unsure exploration of one another’s uncharted territories. In other words, my perception of romance puts it on par with my annual doctor’s appointment. (more…)
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “I think my boobs are too small — slightly pudgy guys have bigger boobs than me! Should I get a boob job?”
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Gut response: No. Even though god knows how many Americans have some kind of body-image hangup, I don’t think “society” is shaming those pudgy guys into getting liposuction on their manboobs in order to look more attractive to women. That said, if you think the pain and possible health risks associated with surgery and/or implants are worth it — if you really think it would improve your self-esteem, and you’ve exhausted all other options toward that end — it’s your decision. Anyone who tells you that you “should” get a boob job is either a creep or a plastic surgeon or an editor at Us Weekly magazine (the latter of which will be the first to mock your new rack for looking fake). I have friends who have had minor work done — breasts (adding and subtracting), eyes, nose, thighs, tummy — and they’ve all been pleased with the results. Obviously, if you do decide to go through with it, find a reputable doctor to do it for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think. If you feel self-conscious with any part of your body, there’s nothing stopping you from getting some plastic surgery. There are multiple surgeons out there, like Dr. Jeffrey Swail for example, that could make you feel so much more confident in your own body. Don’t let other people sway your decision. If you want plastic surgery, you should go ahead with it. Confidence is so important for women, so be sure to make yourself feel confident however you want to.
Straight Single Guy (Max): It kills me not to automatically say “Don’t do it!”, but I think it actually depends on a couple of things. Confidence, as you know, matters more than most factors when it comes to attraction. If you can’t talk to a guy because you’re too self-conscious about the size of your boobs, then you need to do something. Personally, I think fake boobs are gross. I believe that some guys agree, no matter how much porn would have you believe otherwise. But again, you gotta do what makes you feel sexy. (Oh, and please don’t compare yourself to pudgy guys. That’s the first step in gaining a little self confidence.)
When last we mentioned Body Worlds, the international exhibition of skinless cadavers with their muscles, nerves, and tendons intact displayed in various theatrical poses, people were in a huff over one pair of corpses caught in flagrante delicto (specifically, in the Reverse Cowgirl position). Well, we’re assuming since there’s no such thing as bad publicity, the show’s creators have decided to run with it by dedicating an entire exhibit to sex…
All posts by Em & Lo
— Evan, commenting on “Your Call: He Fantasizes About Other Women; Will He Cheat?”
Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do guys seem to hate talking on the phone?
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): My suspicion is that it has to do with how most straight guys talk, or rather, don’t talk. Straight men seem to not indulge in gossip and tangential storytelling when it comes to conversing with others. The phone is much more utilitarian to them. It’s about communicating the necessary information: where to meet, when, where are you parked, what should he buy your parents, etc. For the most part, they aren’t interested in talking about the banalities of daily life on the phone, and certainly not their feelings — not surprising, if you consider how difficult it is for them to talk about them in person. But whatever the reasons, don’t take it personally if he doesn’t like talking on the phone with you. In all likelihood, he is probably the same with his mom. It isn’t necessarily reflective of how he feels about you. And look on the bright(er) side: if he doesn’t like the phone, then the other option is more face time!
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I’m not sure men hate talking on the phone. I practically lived on the phone as a teenager, for instance, talking endlessly with both male and female friends. And a very informal visual survey I made while thinking about the question turned up equal numbers of men and women passing by with cellphones to their ears. None of them looked like they were hating it. I’m going to wing it here, but it’s possible that in a world where men are supposed to make the first calls to ask women out — and might have more associations with being turned down — we might feel more self-conscious about saying “the wrong thing.” Even when you make it clear you want to hear from us. (more…)
Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 23-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a nice face, a sexy figure, big boobs, a nice bum, curves in all the right places (and have been told so by many men). So why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t? After all, I am apparently the stereotypical male fantasy! And why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling their girlfriends they make them feel inadequate? Should I be with this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
— Shipwrecked on Fantasy Island
Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.
Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a reader asks Lauri:
I had a dream that I was in the living room and had taken some pills and I was getting real dizzy. Then when I was walking towards the bathroom I went into the bedroom and saw my fiance having sex with a blonde chick. Then I started throwing up. Next thing I know he was trying to help me throw up the pills. Then my phone rings in real life and it’s him calling me! What the hell?!
Lauri: Something must have happened recently that was “a hard pill for you to swallow.” The dizziness in the dream is connected to uncertainty in waking life. This issue is making your head spin! And it probably does not have to do with your fiance. But let me assure you that just because you see him having sex with another woman in your dream, doesn’t mean he is getting his pleasures elsewhere in real life… unless you have good reason to suspect him! (more…)
How novel is this? A politician sends out an email to his supporters and doesn’t ask for money…he doesn’t ask you to write letters about policy…or to volunteer your time to some campaign. He simply asks you to “remember a funny story about someone you love, smile, and be thankful.”
We heart Al Franken. Thank goodness he’s one of the Minnesota senators now.
This past Saturday, on the occasion of the 40th anniversary of the night he met Franni, his wife, he emailed all of his supporters basically an open love letter to her, acknowledging that he wouldn’t be where he is today — the United States Congress — without her. Those with a block of ice for a heart might find this a little too precious, or perhaps even inappropriate for a man in public office, but we think it’s comforting to know that at least one politician in Washington is actually a human being. Even better, a human being with a romantic streak. Here’s the letter:
Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered
Dear Em & Lo,
I am torn. I don’t want to be a male poacher, however, “Bob,” who is my coworker, and I have undeniable chemistry. We have never physically done anything — nothing! He does say to me quite often that he wishes he and I were together. He has cooked for me, he is a vegetarian and he ate meat for me, but he says that he would feel guilty if he left his girlfriend of almost two years for me. Subsequently, we continue to have what I believe is an emotional affair. I really do care about him. I have confronted him and told him that what is happening is not fair to his girlfriend or myself, and since then, things have cooled. But I know he feels very strongly for me — so why won’t he dump her if he cares about me like he says?
–Borderline Male Poacher
Dear B.M.P.,
Ah yes, the emotional affair. As the polls on our site recently showed, both men and women agreed that it would be way worse if their partner had an emotional affair than if they had a one-night stand with someone they didn’t really care about: 40% of men said the emotional affair would suck more, 14% said the one-night stand would be worse, and 35% said they’d suck equally. Amongst the women, 52% said the emotional affair would be worse, 3% said the one-night stand would be worse, and 42% said they’d suck equally. (more…)
This ad from Korean Air called “The Color of Perfection” has been around for a while, but it’s making the rounds again on the some of the news networks (just accidentally saw it during a commercial break of the awesome “Rachel Maddow Show” after an amateur forwarding maneuver on TiVo). Some have referred to it as “sensory marketing” — with its abstract and elegant shots of the good life (art, perfume, high fashion, champagne) — but we have yet to hear anyone talk of subliminal messaging or heavy sexual undertones…
Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered
A weekly roundup of some of our favorite sex- and love-related posts from various blogs and websites:
This week, the Sundance Channel launched its third season of “Green Porno,” Isabella Rossellini’s wacky exploration of all the weird ways animals do it (this time around, there are more overt environmental messages throughout). To honor the show, we’re holding another contest where one lucky EMandLO.com reader will win an eco-friendly prize pack. It includes Ella Vickers bags made out of recycled sails, “1 Bag at a Time” farmers market bags, a Boku journal made from recycled paper, a Sundance Channel T-shirt made from organic cotten, a Sundance Channel pen (eh), and a copy of the new Green Porno book! All you have to do is watch this short episode, this one, this one and this one (4 in all, not the teaser linked to above) to answer the following five contest questions, then send your correct (duh) answers to us via this form, including a way for us to reach you in case you win. (All questions apply only to creatures featured in season three of Green Porno.) We’ll choose one winner at random from those who answered correctly (sorry, only those with addresses in the United States will be considered due to shipping limitations). Good luck!
We have a special place in our hearts for Sherri Williams: the owner of a sex toy store called Love Stuff in Hoover, Alabama, she has been fighting her state’s ban on sex toys since the law was enacted in 1998. Yep, you read right, 1998: this isn’t an antiquated law Williams is trying to scrape off the books, it’s a shiny new law to keep all good vibrations out of Alabama. Sadly, her 11-year legal battle just hit a dead-end in the state’s Supreme Court: They voted 7-2 to reject a challenge to the state law that bans the sale of sex toys except for limited purposes.
Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered
Yesterday our first weekly column appeared in Metro, the 6th largest circulated newspaper in the U.S., with an audience of more than 1.2 million daily readers in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia. If you’re outside these three cities or missed us on your morning commute, we’ll be reprinting our how-to column, unabridged, every Wednesday. This week’s edition is on one-night stands.
Just because the sex is casual, doesn’t mean your manners should be:
— Dana, commenting on “10 Good Reasons Why Women Have Sex“
Our contributor Abby Spector, who is double-majoring in English and Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, has a confession to make:
I lost my virginity beside a pool with a guy whose age was less than the number of people he had slept with. Before penetration he said, “I don’t want anything serious, okay?” I nodded. Commitment wasn’t in my near future. I didn’t need a magical night of rose petals and “I Love You’s” to enjoy myself. In the wise words of Khia, I just wanted to “pop my pussy.”
That was three years ago. Very little has changed. I’ve still never returned home to a candlelit dinner, a Hallmark card or John Cusack serenading me via boom box outside my window. Even my prom date didn’t give me a flower. Don’t worry, readers. This isn’t an invitation for pity. The truth is that I loathe stereotypical romantic gestures. They seem forced and sterile, full of awkward touching and unsure exploration of one another’s uncharted territories. In other words, my perception of romance puts it on par with my annual doctor’s appointment. (more…)
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “I think my boobs are too small — slightly pudgy guys have bigger boobs than me! Should I get a boob job?”
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Gut response: No. Even though god knows how many Americans have some kind of body-image hangup, I don’t think “society” is shaming those pudgy guys into getting liposuction on their manboobs in order to look more attractive to women. That said, if you think the pain and possible health risks associated with surgery and/or implants are worth it — if you really think it would improve your self-esteem, and you’ve exhausted all other options toward that end — it’s your decision. Anyone who tells you that you “should” get a boob job is either a creep or a plastic surgeon or an editor at Us Weekly magazine (the latter of which will be the first to mock your new rack for looking fake). I have friends who have had minor work done — breasts (adding and subtracting), eyes, nose, thighs, tummy — and they’ve all been pleased with the results. Obviously, if you do decide to go through with it, find a reputable doctor to do it for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think. If you feel self-conscious with any part of your body, there’s nothing stopping you from getting some plastic surgery. There are multiple surgeons out there, like Dr. Jeffrey Swail for example, that could make you feel so much more confident in your own body. Don’t let other people sway your decision. If you want plastic surgery, you should go ahead with it. Confidence is so important for women, so be sure to make yourself feel confident however you want to.
Straight Single Guy (Max): It kills me not to automatically say “Don’t do it!”, but I think it actually depends on a couple of things. Confidence, as you know, matters more than most factors when it comes to attraction. If you can’t talk to a guy because you’re too self-conscious about the size of your boobs, then you need to do something. Personally, I think fake boobs are gross. I believe that some guys agree, no matter how much porn would have you believe otherwise. But again, you gotta do what makes you feel sexy. (Oh, and please don’t compare yourself to pudgy guys. That’s the first step in gaining a little self confidence.)
(more…)
Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered