All posts by Em & Lo

LAST CHANCE to Win a Tess & James Feel-Good Package for Mother’s Day!


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Your odds of winning this Mother’s Day Feel Good Package made especially for EMandLO.com readers by Tess & James — a new, small batch production company specializing in feel good products made from ingredients that are gentle on the skin, nice to your nose, and free of artificial colors, artificial flavors and preservatives — are ridonkulous! But you only have until EOD EST TODAY, April 29th, 2014 to enter to win the random drawing by:

This fabulous Em & Lo gift box will include:

  • Salty Bath Detox: An aromatherapy salt soak (in a 16 ounce jar) formulated to release toxins and extract impurities. Its carefully selected minerals and all-natural ingredients work together to balance the mind and body while soothing your skin.
  • Salty Bath Invigorate: A refreshing aromatherapy salt soak created to soothe tired and aching muscles. Its select minerals and all-natural ingredients will revitalize the senses and nurture your body while extracting impurities from the skin.
  • Tess & James Bath Porridge (16 ounces): This blend of organic oats, elderflowers and calendula mixed with other skin-nurturing botanics serves as a delightful alternative to harsh cleansers to help relieve the discomfort of dry, irritated skin. Simply mix one capful (or one ounce) of Bath Porridge directly into warm bath water, stir, add loved one and enjoy! Comes with a reusable bath sachet to keep your tub pristine.
  • Day Lip Shimmer: Roll out of bed and dress up your lips with Day, Tess & James’s nude lip tint and shimmer. This light, creamy, subtly sweet balm will nourish your lips and add a sparkle to your smile.
  • Night Lip Balm: This sexy black tube is loaded up with the most restorative, replenishing ingredients available. Night is infused with a light and refreshing peppermint scent. This natural, untinted, unshimmered balm  is the perfect night-stand accessory.

One lucky winner will be chosen and contacted via Facebook on Wednesday, April 30th in order to be sent the package in time for Mother’s Day (just be sure you check your Facebook account on Wednesday in case you win, so you can get Tess & James the right mailing address in time for May 11th!). Good luck!

10 Things That Feel Better Than Getting Revenge On An Ex

The new movie The Other Woman, starring Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton, features three women who join forces to get revenge on the guy who, it turns out, was sleeping with all three of them (and married to one of them). But while creative, collaborative revenge on an ex makes for catchy movie taglines — “The oddest friends are about to get even” — and meme-a-rific blog posts, it rarely feels as good in real life. Why? Because revenge keeps the focus clearly on your asshole ex. No matter how humiliating the situation, you are continuing to make him or her the star of your show.

The best kind of revenge is the kind that has nothing to do with your ex, and everything to do with you. Sure, if your ex happens to witness any of these acts of transformation, you will feel a sense of sweet justice, but that’s not your primary motivation. The whole point of these acts is to erase your ex from the picture and make you the star of your own life once again. Because, trust us, taking the high road in any one of these ten ways can feel just as good as selling your ex’s prized Mercedes or closet of Louboutins for a dollar at a tag sale:

1. Getting a Breakover

Nothing is more motivating on the treadmill than the revenge of looking hotter than ever post-breakup. Work out, eat right, learn how to lift weights, take up hot yoga, pluck your nose hair, do a hundred sit-ups before every shower… by the time you’ve done all this, you’ll have forgotten who you were trying to get revenge on in the first place. Hint: Listening to the Flashdance soundtrack may help.

2. Being a Better Person

Volunteer somewhere. Because nothing puts your own problems in perspective like helping out people who are even less fortunate than you are. You know, people who fought for their country and ended up in a wheelchair; people who are dying in a nursing home with no one to visit them; kids who have nowhere to go after school; people who can’t get a date to the soup kitchen. We won’t be so crass as to suggest you might meet someone new this way, but we know it crossed your mind. We won’t tell.

3. Getting Busy Blogging

Start a blog on something that interests you. You could make money if you are consistent and serious about blogging. There are different niches that you can focus on. Lifestyle, fashion, gardening, home improvements, gaming, and there are a lot if you research on it. If you are a beginner, you can watch tutorials about website creation (watch here), blog posting, and content creation.

4. Buying a New Sex Toy

Splurge on a high-end sex toy for you or your next partner and put the sex you had with your ex to shame.

5. Cutting the Cord

Disconnect with your ex on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and any other ways you continue to be weirdly “social” with each other. Maybe one day you can be friends again, but for now, if you’re even considering creative forms of revenge, going cold turkey is your best bet. Trust us, a complete lack of information about your new life will be more frustrating to your ex than a hundred pictures proving how “happy” you now are and how quickly you’ve “moved on.”

6. Getting Rich

This is a metaphor, people. Sure, you could buy a lottery ticket or sell your pristine collection of vintage action dolls on eBay. But what we really mean is, be successful. Finally get your own dance-studio business off the ground. Work with a service like ARC Resumes in OH to get your resume as slick and professional as it can be and go for that promotion. Insist on a raise. Revamp your resume. All that creative energy you were thinking of applying toward a meme-a-rific revenge strategy? Apply it to your career, instead. Think: What Would Beyoncé Do? (W.W.B.D.)

7. Reading a Saucy Sex Manual

The best sex of your life is yet to come! Don’t just mutter this like a mantra, though, or tape the saying to your bathroom mirror to help dry your tears in the morning: Instead, actually make it happen by learning a few new tricks and tips to apply to your next relationship.

8. Marking the Occasion

We get that you want to mark this occasion — you want to do something to prove to the world that you’ve moved on. But your ex shouldn’t be invited to this party! And that’s exactly what you’re doing when you try to mark the occasion with revenge. Moving on should be all about you. So get a tattoo, whether permanent or henna. Have a breakup party with all your friends. Get a new haircut or hair color. Change up your style. Create a new email sig file. Whatever works for you!

9. Having a Rebound Fling

Never underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with the joys of being single so that you won’t be tempted to indulge in any late-night revenge-planning. Try masturbation, online dating (if only to get a few nice emails from strangers in your inbox), or flirting therapy (it’s like smiling – forcing yourself to do it will make you feel better). You don’t even need to have actual rebound sex with someone, though a rebound make-out sesh may just make you feel happier than a room without a roof.

10. Telling Us All About It

We’re guessing your friends, family, and distant acquaintances are all sick of hearing you talk about what went wrong in your relationship by now. So why not tell us instead? We’re putting together a collection of stories about failed relationships, and we’d love to hear yours! You can send it to us here, via our contact form. Think of it as a chance to put it all down for posterity, or to help others avoid the same pitfalls. Or, if you prefer, think of it simply as venting to two complete strangers who promise to take your side.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-28-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Everyone likes to embellish a little, to make their stories or themselves a little more interesting. We all do it. Suddenly that drunk make-out sesh you had with some rando in the bathroom of a dive bar becomes a spontaneous threeway in the hot tub of a top-floor penthouse. Or that one time you volunteered at an old-folks’ Bingo tournament sounds more like a twelve-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Most of the time, it’s harmless — and it helps get you laid. But beware, someone’s bound to call B.S. on you eventually — and more likely than not it will be the one person you really care for and/or want to screw. Then where will you be? Alone in the shower with your tears and your lies and your hand, that’s where.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes love’s a battlefield, other times it’s more like friendly competition. You know, the game-playing, the mind games, the playing hard-to-get, all that good stuff. This week, you’ll find yourself in the thick of friendly competition. Maybe your job isn’t challenging enough, maybe all your favorite sitcoms are on hiatus, maybe you just like the chase — whatever it is, you’re addicted (it’s kind of like booty eBay, isn’t it?). We hope your friends (or your therapist) can handle the fall-out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember the ’90s? Remember the economic boom? Remember how every friendship was a potential networking connection? Every casual conversation a potential stock tip? Yeah, well, the ’90s are over, sucker. But fortunately, sex is still free, and every friendship is a potential booty connection. Work it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re not thinking clearly this week — even from seven states away, this much is clear to us. You’re highly likely to screw up any major decision you have to make. So stay home, and avoid encounters with anyone except drinking buddies you’ve known for at least a decade and immediate family members. This week, appointment TV is your friend.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Whoever said business and pleasure don’t mix, never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss’s desk. Something to think about this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Another one from the “no duh” file: If you’re walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they’re just a crazy stalker freak). But if you’re one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you’re either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It’s one to grow on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ’em with your best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L. O. L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal — thus far, at least — to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistence is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t even worry about the dude/tte you don’t think has noticed you: There isn’t a chance in hell that he or she hasn’t. Well, maybe you should worry, depending on when they noticed you. If it was when you had one of those booger danglers, then it goes without saying that you should be very, very worried.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You want sex? Well sex costs. And right here is where you start paying. No, not in fancy dinners or a few neatly folded bills discreetly exchanged in a seedy motel room. In sweat. The kind of sweat you work up when you’re trying to be witty, charming, engaging. You know, when you’re just being you. Have a Power Bar before you go out.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t lie about your intentions to any trusting (read: gullible) parties this week. Or else we’ll have to kick your tushy.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have such a unique way of approaching people that it’s a miracle you don’t scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you’ll meet someone just as “creative.” You two freaks should be very happy together.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Prick up your ears this week. That should satisfy the, er, special person in your life.

MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

Your Call: How Do I Subtly Find Out My Friend’s Penis Size?

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

How do you get your friend to tell you the size of his, er, meat, when he’s straight and you’re not? Thank you.

— Meat Eater

How do you think Meat Eater should approach this delicate matter of size? In case it affects your reply, we’re assuming this guy wants to know as a simple matter of comparison, i.e. to find out whether he’s above or below average. Either way, you can leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Blog Snog: Why Twitter Killed Your Relationship

Top 10 Male Celebrity Feminists Andrew Garfield Could Learn From

Emma Stone went viral this week when she called out her boyfriend, Andrew Garfield, for his casual sexism during a Q&A session promoting The Amazing Spider-Man 2. When a little boy asked Garfield how Spider-Man got his costume, he said: “He made it. He made it with his bare hands. He sewed it… It’s kind of a feminine thing to do, but he really made a very masculine costume.” At which point Stone said, “It’s feminine, how?” Garfield then stumbled and blushed and before eventually settling on the idea that  “We all have feminine in us, young men.”

Clearly Emma Stone is not shy about educating her boyfriend in all matters relating to feminism, but we thought Andrew Garfield might find additional inspiration in these awesome quotes from male celebrities who are unabashed feminists. Guys, take note: For some women, these quotes are hotter than porn.

1. John Legend
“All men should be feminists. If men care about women’s rights the world will be a better place. We are better off when women are empowered, it leads to a better society.”

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
“My mom brought me up to be a feminist. … She would always point out to my brother and me that our culture does often portray women like objects. For example, we would always watch Lakers games as a family, but my mom would always point out every time the cheerleaders come on, ‘Okay, so look, here’s the story that gets told: The men get to be the heroic skilled athletes and the women just get to be pretty.’ She didn’t mean any offense to any individual woman who was working as a cheerleader, but she wanted me and my brother to be aware of it because we see these images on TV, in the movies, and on magazines all the time. And if you don’t stop and think about it, it just sort of seeps into your brain and that becomes the way you perceive reality. I do call myself a feminist. Absolutely! It’s worth paying attention to the roles that are sort of dictated to us and that we don’t have to fit into those roles. We can be anybody we wanna be.”

3. Seth Meyers
“When you work with the sort of really strong women that I work with, the idea that anyone would want to make [reproductive] decisions for them is hard to wrap your head around.”

4. Louis C.K.
“How do women still go out with guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”

5. Ryan Gosling
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene [depicting cunnilingus] that shows a woman in a sexual scenario, which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self.”

6. Prince Harry
“When women are empowered, they immeasurably improve the lives of everyone around them — their families, their communities, and their countries. This is not just about women, we men need to recognize the part we play too. Real men treat women with dignity and give them the respect they deserve.”

7. Jay Baruchel
“I’m constantly annoyed [by] how terribly written most females are in most everything — and especially in comedy. Their anatomy seems to be the only defining aspect of their character, and I just find that untruthful and it straight-up offends me. A lot of the strongest people I know are chicks. And as a viewer, I get a kick out of watching real characters. So I take it upon myself to clean that shit up and write actual women. And I like writing strong women, because as a straight male, there’s nothing more attractive to me than a strong girl.”

8. Ashton Kutcher
“I think there’s so much that’s not said about sex in our country, even from an educational level…the one thing they teach about is how to get pregnant or how to not get pregnant, but they don’t really talk about sex as a point of pleasure for women. … That creates a place where women aren’t empowered around their own sexuality and their own sexual selves.”

9. Mark Ruffalo
“When I heard the story [of my mother’s illegal abortion] I was aghast by the lowliness of a society that would make a woman do that. I could not understand its lack of humanity; today is no different. What happened to my mother was a relic of an America that was not free nor equal nor very kind. My mother’s illegal abortion marked a time in America that we have worked long and hard to leave behind. It was a time when women were seen as second rate citizens who were not smart enough, nor responsible enough, nor capable enough to make decisions about their lives. It was a time that deserved to be left behind, and leave it behind we did, or so it seemed. We made abortion and a woman’s ability to be her own master a Right. That Right was codified into law. That law was the law of the land for decades. My own mother fought to make herself more than a possession; she lived her life as a mother who chose when she would have children, and a wife who could earn a living if she so chose. I want my daughters to enjoy that same choice. I don’t want to turn back the hands of time to when women shuttled across state lines in the thick of night to resolve an unwanted pregnancy, in a cheap hotel room just south of the state line. Where a transaction of $600 cash becomes the worth of a young woman’s life.”

10. Joss Whedon
“[I write strong women characters] because of my mother. She really was an extraordinary, inspirational, tough, cool, sexy, funny woman. And that’s the kind of woman I’ve always surrounded myself with, my friends and particularly my wife, who is not only smarter than and stronger than I am, but occasionally taller too. I think it also goes back to my father and my stepfather, because they prized wit and resolve in the women they were with above all things and they were among the rare men who understood that recognizing someone else’s power doesn’t diminish your own.”

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Dear Em & Lo: How Great Should First-Time Sex with a New Partner Be?

photo via Flickr

Dear Em and Lo,

I was married for 20 years and now I am not.  I’m not crying in my soup (is that the term?). I’ve learned a lot about what makes for a crappy relationship and bad sex. And I have gained a sense of humor, sexual confidence and a pretty good idea about what makes for great sex and good relationships. I’m ready to give it all a go. I’ve dated a couple of guys since becoming single six months ago (the relationship was over long before it was over, so the grieving has been done). Recently, I met a guy that I have come to REALLY like. We’ve both expressed to each other in many ways, including some pretty suggestive and fun flirting, that we are really into getting to know each other even better.

So here’s the question: How great should the sex be the first time if I want this guy to stick around? Do I pull out all the stops? Should I plan on maybe just one of the little ideas we’ve flirted around? What about role-playing and/or dress-up the first time? I kind of wonder if I should steer things in the direction of just pure romance the first time, or is jumping right into what is fun for me — and apparently him too — a good idea? I feel pretty comfortable with my decision to not introduce any toys or gadgets the first time. But what if he suggests or comes up with one? Should I say that I’d prefer au natural at first and promise we’ll get to the toys on another occasion? Or, should I let him show me how creative he is and what he likes to do?

I might not have these questions if our circumstances were different but here’s the deal: His wife died, after a long illness, ten months ago. He was happy with her. He has dated a little but I’m pretty sure no or not much sex. I’m desperate for some great sex and a great connection. He’s really hot for me but has mentioned he wants to take things slowly, which, even though I’m itchin’, I think is a good idea. Still, I don’t want him to be disappointed once we finally do get around to it. I’d love to know what you think about this.

— (Almost) Back in the Saddle

Dear ABITS,

Okay, let’s get one thing straight before we go any further: This man is not going to be disappointed! You’re full of sexual confidence and excited to have fun in bed, you guys have great chemistry, and he probably hasn’t had sex in a loooooong time. Just plain old vanilla sex is going to melt him like butta! Chances are, in fact, he’s more nervous than you are (especially if he hasn’t had some good online friends regularly encouraging him like you have). So take a deep breath and just try to enjoy the fact that you’re about to have sex with your new crush. It’s been a loooooong time since you had sex with someone new, and half the fun of this is the anticipation!

As to what you should do in bed the first time, there are no hard and fast rules, it really all depends on what you’re both comfortable with. You don’t want to act like someone you’re not in bed, just to please or impress your partner. If what really gets you off is whips and chains, you don’t want to keep that a secret from your partner for an entire year — just in case that’s not their cup of tea at all. If, on the other hand, you enjoy role-playing about as much as a root canal, there’s no point in pretending you love it in the beginning, just to be agreeable — because then you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of sweaty latex nurse outfits. It’s better to find out if you’re sexually compatible before getting in too deep.

That said, being willing to try some new things earlier rather than later can set the right tone for a relationship: it establishes the fact that you’re always going to be willing to experiment, at least a little. If you wait until you’re in a rut to break out the blindfold and switch positions, it’s likely to feel a lot more awkward and out of place. So we’re thrilled to hear that the two of you have already talked about role-playing and dress-up! We see great things for the two of you in bed.

But there’s a difference between first-time sex and early-relationship sex. We tend to think that first-time sex — assuming it’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship and not a one-night stand — doesn’t really need any accessorizing. (Except for condoms, and perhaps some lube, which is always welcome.) First-time sex with a new partner is serious sensory-overload. For example, this will probably be your first view of each other’s O-faces! You don’t need to bend over backwards in some Kama Sutra position because the basics still feel brand new and exciting. Plus, you’ll probably both be nervous, which isn’t really conducive to pulling off complicated bondage knots or the wheelbarrow position or nurturing your inner saucy librarian/naughty farmhand. There’s also something to be said for having at least a little experience in bed with each other before making sex technical or theatrical. The better you know each other, the more likely you are to know when it’s the right time to whip out the spanking paddle.

That all said, we don’t think you should necessarily rule out anything. Go with the flow and if something feels right and good and sexy in the moment, then do it! If he suggests a toy (though we doubt he will, given that he’s nervous and wants to take things slowly) and you think that sounds like a fantastic idea, then buzz away (just make sure you put a condom on that too if it’s not fresh out of the box!). But even if you don’t break out any toys, your new-found sexual confidence will still come into play whenever you have sex. It takes a lot of confidence just to ask for what you want in bed — and that might be being led around like a pony, or it might just be a certain manual technique that really does it for you.

On a final note, we know we said that the anticipation is half the fun of first-time sex, but we also want to caution you not to go in with overly high expectations. While sex with a brand new partner is rarely dull or boring, it can sometimes feel awkward or clumsy — and for a woman, it’s not always particularly orgasmic. Sometimes it takes a guy a while to find his way around a new partner’s body, or it takes her a while to become comfortable and relaxed enough with him to climax. (Or it takes her a while to become comfortable and relaxed enough with him to explain how exactly he can get her to climax.) In other words, don’t sweat it if the Earth doesn’t move the first time around. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to have bad sex together and it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together. Just think of it as having something to look forward to.

Have fun storming the castle!

Em & Lo

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Win a Mother’s Day Feel-Good Package from Tess & James!


sponsored post
Tess & James is a new, small batch production company specializing in feel good products made from ingredients that are gentle on the skin, nice to your nose, and free of artificial colors, artificial flavors and preservatives. They believe that taking time to care for yourself enables you to give lovingly to others. So Tess & James has put together a Mother’s Day Feel Good Package especially for EMandLO.com readers — all you have to do by EOD EST Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 to enter to win the random drawing is:

This fabulous Em & Lo gift box will include:

  • Salty Bath Detox: An aromatherapy salt soak (in a 16 ounce jar) formulated to release toxins and extract impurities. Its carefully selected minerals and all-natural ingredients work together to balance the mind and body while soothing your skin.
  • Salty Bath Invigorate: A refreshing aromatherapy salt soak created to soothe tired and aching muscles. Its select minerals and all-natural ingredients will revitalize the senses and nurture your body while extracting impurities from the skin.
  • Tess & James Bath Porridge (16 ounces): This blend of organic oats, elderflowers and calendula mixed with other skin-nurturing botanics serves as a delightful alternative to harsh cleansers to help relieve the discomfort of dry, irritated skin. Simply mix one capful (or one ounce) of Bath Porridge directly into warm bath water, stir, add loved one and enjoy! Comes with a reusable bath sachet to keep your tub pristine.
  • Day Lip Shimmer: Roll out of bed and dress up your lips with Day, Tess & James’s nude lip tint and shimmer. This light, creamy, subtly sweet balm will nourish your lips and add a sparkle to your smile.
  • Night Lip Balm: This sexy black tube is loaded up with the most restorative, replenishing ingredients available. Night is infused with a light and refreshing peppermint scent. This natural, untinted, unshimmered balm  is the perfect night-stand accessory.

One lucky winner will be chosen and contacted via Facebook on Wednesday, April 30th in order to be sent the package in time for Mother’s Day (just be sure you check your Facebook account on Wednesday in case you win, so you can get Tess & James the right mailing address in time for May 11th!). Good luck!

4 Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Reader Pigeon said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: I Finally Escaped a Toxic 13-Year Marriage. Now What?” What warning signs of a toxic relationship would you add to this list?

Have a bit of time to enjoy your freedom — just remember that you are still young and you don’t have to be married. Find new hobbies and just really get to know yourself in every sense of the word! And take some time to write down what you would consider “warning signs” for a new partner… things like:

1. Isolation: Feeling separated from friends and family.

2. Pressure: Feeling like you’re being pressured into anything, either by force or guilt.

3. Physical: Any form of non-consensual physical contact. This could be a range from actually hitting to grabbing and manipulating you into sex.

4. Sense of Self: If you feel like you’re being made to do what he wants all the time and that you’re losing your own interests just to keep them happy.

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Dear Em & Lo: How Can I Find a Man to Love My Enlarged Labia?

Dear Em & Lo,

I was reading a little about my problem on this website: I have an enlarged labia, which I’ve heard referred to as beef curtains, roast beef, etc. I felt better after reading some of the comments men and women alike posted, but it doesn’t really alleviate my insecurities. It’s such a problem that I can’t have a relationship, and I refuse guys to the point where they think I’m frigid.

I really want to be with someone and be able to have sex without stressing on it so much that it ruins the whole experience. I am in recovery, and the only way I’ve ever been able to have sex is by getting so wasted that I wouldn’t care — and then being too ashamed to continue correspondence.

I feel like this is ruining my life and my confidence. I’m 23 and I feel like none of the guys in my generation would understand, considering the things I hear my male friends say. If it weren’t for this problem, I’ve been told I would be a great catch. I can’t afford surgery — if I could, I would get it in a heartbeat!

What can I do? Or where can I find a guy that will like me anyways? Do they make chat rooms or meetings for this sorta thing?! I feel like if I found a guy who liked that sorta thing and knew up front, it might not be so bad.

— Blushing Flower

Dear B.F.,

The first thing you should do is read our post, “10 Reasons Your ‘Ugly Vagina’ Is Normal and Gorgeous.” 

The second thing you should do is read it again.

The third thing you should do is print it out and keep it on your nightstand.

Okay? Okay! Now, onto your letter. You know what they say about silver linings? Well, here are two for you:

1) How awesome that you no longer allow yourself to get wasted in order to have sex! No more morning-after regret and humiliation, no more sleeping with a toxic ex or unsuitable suitor, no more being too drunk to insist on a condom. Instead, you are being forced into having mindful, conscious, sober sex. If it makes you feel better, we think a lot more people would be freaked out about their naked bodies if they had sober sex more often. It’s a scary freakin’ thing to get naked with someone — especially someone you don’t know very well. Which is why we think you should take things very slowly with any new partners. Date slowly. Enjoy kissing and making out. Build up to nudity slowly. Build up to sex even more slowly. If a guy can’t handle the wait, then he’s not worth sticking around for anyway. And here’s a handy bonus: The more patient a guy is about waiting for sex with you, the less likely he is to be one of those douches who make roast beef curtain jokes.

2) How awesome that you’re too broke to get labiaplasty! Seriously, there will come a day when you will be so grateful that you couldn’t afford the surgery you so desperately want right now. We promise you that this day will come! You will find a guy who will love you for who you are, labia included, and you’ll realize you don’t give a hoot what anyone else thinks about your lips. You might even think, “Em & Lo were so right, surgery would have been a terrible idea!” (Don’t believe us? Read why here, point #3.)

Are you still thinking your labia are unsightly? Then go back and read our list again! Please. And remember, the loud-mouth idiot guys who make those jokes are in the minority — they just seem like the majority because they’re so loud and annoying. That’s the thing about douches and Tea Partiers — they manage to convince you they speak for everyone just by yelling (we bet there’s a rather large Venn diagram overlap between labia joking douches and Tea Partiers, actually) . And probably half those douches are just joining in with the labia jokes to seem “cool.” In fact, we bet most of your guy friends have already slept with women who have larger than average labia — and we bet not one of them ran for the door when they saw those labia.

Trust us: You are a great catch! Labia included! Some women actually learn to love their enlarged labia… they find them incredibly sensitive and helpful in stimulating the clitoris, for example. You may not think this is possible, but we can guarantee there is a guy out there who is going to fall in love with you… and with your labia, too.

Please don’t try to find a guy who loves big labia and then hopes he loves you — that’s ass-backwards, and guaranteed to fail. Here’s why: It’s so much harder to find love than it is to find a guy who expresses some kind of labia preference. Imagine trying to pick a guy based on pictures of his penis alone?! The chances of you actually connecting with a guy whose penis picture you liked is miniscule. Human beings fall in love with brains and faces and personalities and, yes, sometimes body type and bank balance — but genitals alone? Hardly. Those are just part of the, er, package.

Anyway. What we’re trying to say is: You’re normal! Your guy friends are assholes and wrong! You shouldn’t date any of them! But you should date other guys — now, often, lots, slowly. And when you get naked, don’t apologize for a thing, because you’re normal and you’re gorgeous and any halfway decent man who is lucky enough to see you naked will think the same thing.

Mwah!

Em & Lo

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Moms Are Kinky People Too!

Lelo’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

Mother’s Day is just around the corner! Sure, you could get her some nice flowers…again. Or you could get her something she’ll really enjoy: our new book, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink!

Hear us out: Moms loved the Twilight series, but secretly wished there was more sex in it. Along comes the Fifty Shades series, which is essentially Twilight fan faction, and there’s tons of sex….kinky sex. Moms across the country go gaga for it, so much so that it’s dubbed “mommy porn.” Then the movie version goes into production, and mom-fans everywhere count down the days until its release: Valentine’s Day, 2015.

There are just a few problems:

  • Fifty Shades doesn’t tell moms how to incorporate any of this stuff into their own lives
  • it doesn’t mention specific quality products or where to get them
  • it perpetuates myths about kink
  • it even promotes some very dubious (i.e. unsafe) behaviors and techniques
  • and a year is a long time to wait until the movie comes out!

A mom friend of ours recently wrote us, saying she’s been married for quite a while and needs some new ideas, asking which book of ours we would recommend. We told her 150 SHADES OF PLAY: while it does cover some intense kinky stuff, it also covers the basics; it’s not visually graphic; it has a great sense of humor, which makes it fun and non-intimidating to skim with a husband or partner; and it gives readers a vouyeristic look into how extreme some people can get with BDSM which might make them feel more comfortable and confident to try new, mildly kinky things. Because let’s face it: a little toy or light bondage is nothing compared to pony play!

So when making the mom in your life a Mother’s Day care package this coming May 11th, remember: flowers are nice, but floggers are nicer.

What the Pets In Your Online Dating Photo Mean

Scientific research about whether you should include a pet in your online dating profile pic is, not surprisingly, rather flimsy. So we decided to put together our own report on featuring pets. The following guide explains the message conveyed by different kinds of pet in your online dating pic. Depending on the image you want to present, consider posing with your pet, cropping your pet from the pic, or borrowing a pet from a friend.

 

Man with Dog (Regular Size)

“I’m rugged and manly but can be tender and caring with the right woman. Every woman except the right woman, however, comes second to my dog.”

 

Man with Dog (Miniature)

“I like pink shirts, skincare products, and cunnilingus. And yes, I’m perfectly secure in my manhood, thanks.”

 

Woman with Dog (Regular Size)

“I take five minutes to get ready in the morning and I’ll never order a salad (dressing on the side) when we go out to eat. And no players, please: The only games I like are those I play with my dog.”

 

Woman with Dog (Miniature)

“I take more than an hour to get ready in the morning and I’ll order a salad (dressing on the side) even when you insist the restaurant serves the best steak in town. Also: be prepared for mind games.”

 

Man with Cat

“I honestly don’t give a shit what you think about my cat. Also, go ahead and bring your vibrator to bed — it’s all good. I’ll probably write a poem about it, if that’s cool with you.”

 

Woman with Cat

“My bed is strewn with my stuffed animal collection. And, ew, please don’t put your finger there. Like, gross!”

 

Man with Horse

“I’m rich as fuck.”

 

Woman with Horse

“Are you rich enough to be my man?”

 

Man with Rabbit

“I love to spoon. No, seriously, I love to spoon.”

 

Woman with Rabbit

“Will you hold me?”

 

Man with Bird

“I’m a control freak with a jealous streak.”

 

Woman with Bird

“I don’t like to make noise in bed. Would you please keep it down?”

 

Man with Snake

“I have an enormous penis.”

 

Woman with Snake

“I like kinky sex and big penises.”

 

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Overplayed Inspiration Week

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands and touch me. Hold me close, don’t ever let me go. More than words is all I ever needed you to show. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me. Cos I’d already know. — “More Than Words,” Extreme

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Every specimen. Tall, blond, dark and lean, rough and tough and strong and mean. — “It’s Raining Men,” The Weather Girls

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Shake your arm, then use your form. Stay on the scene like a sex machine. You got to have the feeling sure as you’re born. Get it together right on, right on. Get up, get on up. — “Sex Machine,” James Brown

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand when it comes to love, I want a slow hand. — “Slow Hand,” The Pointer Sisters

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heart beat. Love will be the gift you give yourself. — “Tell Him,” Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do. Oh, I’m so tired. My mind is set on you. I wonder should I call you but I know what you’d do: You’d say I’m putting you on. But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm. You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain. You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane. You know I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind. — “I’m So Tired,” The Beatles

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
I love myself. I want you to love me. When I’m feelin’ down, I want you above me. I search myself; I want you to find me. I forget myself; I want you to remind me. I don’t want anybody else; when I think about you, I touch myself. — “I Touch Myself,” The Divynls

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Turn your heart-ache right into joy. She’s a girl, and you’re a boy. So get it together, make it nice. You ain’t gonna need any more advice. — “Love the One You’re With,” Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Celebrate good times, come on! There’s a party goin’ on right here — a celebration to last throughout the years. So bring your good times, and your laughter too. We’re gonna celebrate your party with you. It’s time to come together. It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure? Celebrate! — “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay away from my window. Stay away from my back door too. Disconnect the telephone line. Relax baby and draw that blind. Kick off your shoes and sit right down. Loosen off that pretty French gown. Let me pour you a good long drink. Ooh baby, don’t you hesitate ’cause tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be alright. ‘Cause I love you girl. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. — “Tonight’s the Night,” Rod Stewart

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht, your hat strategically dipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte, and all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. — “You’re So Vain,” Carly Simon

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People, let me tell U somethin’. If U didn’t come 2 party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door. I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he’s ready 2 roar. (Yeah. ) Everybody’s got a bomb, we could all die any day. (Oh. ) But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away. Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (We’re runnin’ out of time. ) So 2night I’m gonna party like it’s 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!) Say it one more time: 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! — “1999,” Prince

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The Best of Gabriel Garcia Marquez on Love and Sex

photo via Wiki Commons

Colombian novelist and Nobel laureate Gabriel García Márquez died yesterday at the very respectable — but still heartbreaking, to his fans everywhere — age of 87. He is irreplaceable as a writer. In addition to bringing magical realism to the masses, he practically invented a new language for talking about love and sex — especially in his classic novels Love In the Time of Cholera and One Hundred Years of Solitude. In the latter book, he wrote, “A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can.” His words, however, will live on forever. Here are some of our favorite things he wrote on love and sex.

From Love In the Time of Cholera

“It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.”

“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.”

“Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.”

“He recognized her despite the uproar, through his tears of unrepeatable sorrow at dying without her, and he looked at her for the last and final time with eyes more luminous, more grief-stricken, more grateful than she had ever seen them in half a century of a shared life, and he managed to say to her with his last breath: ‘Only God knows how much I loved you.'”

“The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love.”

“The problem in public life is learning to overcome terror; the problem in married life is learning to overcome boredom.”

“Nothing in this world was more difficult than love.”

“Amputees suffer pains, cramps, itches in the leg that is no longer there. That is how she felt without him, feeling his presence where he no longer was.”

“She knew that he loved her above all else, more than anything in the world, but only for his own sake.”

“‘If we’re going to do it, let’s do it,’ she said, ‘but let’s do it like grownups.'”

“With her Florentino Ariza learned what he had already experienced many times without realizing it: that one can be in love with several people at the same time, feel the same sorrow with each, and not betray any of them. Alone in the midst of the crowd on the pier, he said to himself in a flash of anger: ‘My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse.’”

“Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.”

“He had taught her that nothing one does in bed is immoral if it helps to perpetuate love. And something else that from that time on would be her reason for living: he convinced her that one comes into the world with a predetermined allowment of lays, and whoever does not use them for whatever reason, one’s own or someone else’s, willingly or unwillingly, loses them forever. It was to her credit that she took him at his word.”

“And yet that first experience, although cruel and short-lived, did not leave her bitter; rather, she had the overwhelming conviction that with or without marriage, or God, or the law, life was not worth living without a man in her bed. What Florentino Ariza liked best about her was that in order to reach the heights of glory, she had to suck on an infant’s pacifier while they made love.”

“Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness, but stability.”

“It was the first time she had made love in over twenty years, and she had been held back by her curiosity concerning how it would feel at her age after so long a respite. But he had not given her time to find out if her body loved him too. It had been hurried and sad, and she thought: Now we’ve screwed up everything.”

“When at last she recovered her self-possession in the perfumed oasis of her cabin, they made the tranquil, wholesome love of experienced grandparents, which she would keep as her best memory of that lunatic voyage. It was as if they had leapt over the arduous cavalry of conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love.”

“She would defend herself, saying that love, no matter what else it might be, was a natural talent. She would say: You are either born knowing how, or you never know.”

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.”

From One Hundred Years of Solitude

“If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again. If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you, and would not just assume foolishly you know it already.”

“There is always something left to love.”

“Gaston was not only a fierce lover, with endless wisdom and imagination, but he was also, perhaps, the first man in the history of the species who had made an emergency landing and had come close to killing himself and his sweetheart simply to make love in a field of violets.”

“It’s enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment.”

“They were so close to each other that they preferred death to separation.”

“He dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her. Petra Cotes, for her part, loved him more and more as she felt his love increasing, and that was how in the ripeness of autumn she began to believe once more in the youthful superstition that poverty was the servitude of love. Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, and the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude. Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.”

“And both of them remained floating in an empty universe where the only everyday and eternal reality was love.”

From Memories Of My Melancholy Whores

“Sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love.”

“I became aware that the invincible power that has moved the world is unrequited, not happy, love.”

“No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you’ve already had.”

“Don’t let yourself die without knowing the wonder of fucking with love.”

 

From Of Love and Other Demons

“No medicine cures what happiness cannot.”

“Do not allow me to forget you.”

“This was when she asked him whether it was true that love conquered all, as the songs said. ‘It is true’, he replied, ‘but you would do well not to believe it.'”

 

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Blog Snog: Dogs in Online Dating Profile Pics – a Do or a Don’t?

photo via The Date Report

EMandLO.com Is Giving Away Free Trojan Condoms!


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In honor of STI Awareness Month, we’ve teamed up with Trojan to offer one lucky person:

  • 2 10-count boxes of Trojan’s NEW Double Ecstasy Condoms
  • 1 Midnight Collection package (1 vibrating ring, 4 Pure Ecstasy condoms, 4 lubricant packets)

YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING ARE GREAT RIGHT NOW!

All you have to do is one or more of the following between now and EOD EST on April 21st, 2014. The more you do, the greater your chances of winning!:

* (Let us know you’ve retweeted/shared by mailing us a screenshot of each FB post/Tweet: on a Mac, Command+Shiftshift+4 lets you drag and capture an area of the screen; click here for instructions on taking screenshots on either a PC or a Mac)

 

In the meantime, brush up on your condom knowledge and start wrapping up!:

  • How To Use A CondomThis brief, informative how-to video gives viewers a fun and interesting look at the exact way to get it on before you “get it on.”
  • How Condoms Are MadeThis exclusive factory tour takes viewers on an unprecedented look “beneath the sheets” at a Trojan condom factory, and a condom’s journey from the conveyor belt to your nightstand.
  • History of CondomsThis short documentary includes expert commentary on the history and creation of the condom, starting from its humble beginnings, to the innovations we see on today’s shelves.
  • New Condom iPhone AppTrojan is adding a little protection to everyone’s “hardware” with a new iPhone app, which includes sexual health trivia and a condom selection tool.

Prepare to have your mind blown by these stats (and check out the infographic below):

  • There are 65 million people in the U.S. who are living with an incurable STI
  • Each year, STIs lead to infertility in more than 24,000 women in the US
  • One in two sexually active persons will contact an STD/STI by age 25
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that there are more than 110 million STIs among men and women in the U.S. This includes both new and existing infections.
  • YET – only 1 in 3 sex acts among singles includes a condom

WHAT?!?! That’s outrageous. Especially since we’ve been promoting condom use and other safer sex acts since forever! Have we even made a dent? Help us make more of one and win some awesome condoms in the process!

We’ve