Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 22-year-old woman who has only become sexually active over the last six months or so. I’m enjoying myself and being safe, but it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t have an orgasm without a vibrator. This really bothered my last boyfriend, which of course made me stressed out, self-conscious, and even LESS likely to get off. I’ve talked to my girlfriends about it, and they keep telling me “practice makes perfect…eventually it’ll just happen…etc.” but I’m impatient! I know it’s not uncommon for women to be unable to orgasm through intercourse alone, but I can’t even get myself off without a (strongly vibrating) toy. Hands? No. Oral? Nope. Penetration? Nada. All of those things are awesome, just…not quite awesome enough. So I guess my question is, is there any way I can “learn” to orgasm without a vibrator?
— Manual Laborer
First of all, congratulations on your incredibly mature approach to sex! We know we are constantly making fun of abstinence-only education, but we do think that there are some serious benefits to postponing sexual activity. At 22 years of age, you are in a much better position to know your own body and you are more likely to demand what you want and need in bed. In our experience, 22 year olds just tend to be a lot more thoughtful about sex than your average high schooler.
Also, congratulations on all those orgasms! Just because they’re battery-powered, doesn’t make them any less awesome — we hear from plenty of women who have trouble orgasming, with or without a toy. They’d be delighted to have your so-called problem.
That said, we don’t want to diminish what you’re feeling, because we do understand the desire to climax unplugged. Especially if the sex toy that does it for you is a really strong vibrator — those vibes aren’t always the most discreet. Sometimes it can seem like you’re sharing a bed with a birthing cow. (However, we think that your last boyfriend sounds like a total douche for selfishly pouting about it. Geez. Everyone knows that the fastest way to make an orgasm run for the hills is to put it under pressure and stress it out.)
Unfortunately, we don’t have as many tips as we do congratulations. Your girlfriends are right — it really is a matter of practice and time. And fortunately you’ve got plenty of that — especially now that the pressure-cooker boyfriend is out of the picture. But here are 10 things that might help improve your self-love sessions:
- Create ambiance: Set the scene for yourself as much as you do with a partner — dim the lights, play some sexy tunes, turn off your phone, etc. Check out our post about getting yourself in the mood for more tips.
- Try a change of scenery. Don’t always do it in the bedroom — strike while the iron is hot, whether that’s when you’re in front of the TV, working late at the office, or cooking in the kitchen. Or take a long bath or shower and have some silicone-based lube handy (it’s waterproof).
- Fantasize: When you’re using a super-strong vibrator, it’s easy to get lazy about stimulating your mind, as the Hitachi Magic Wand (etc) is doing all the heavy lifting. Help things along in your head — try erotic short stories, graphic novels, porn or just plain old fantasies. Check out the advice we gave this reader, who lamented the fact that her vibrator didn’t kiss or cuddle, on how to improve masturbation this way.
- Warm up. With a vibrator and then switch to your hands — or vice versa.
- Lube up: When you’re using your hands, be sure to use lots of lube, since a well lubed clitoris (and labia) can handle a lot more, and a lot more varied, stimulation.
- Wean yourself (but don’t call it that). Give your favorite vibe a little less power by using it over clothes or a blanket, using it on a lower and lower setting, or replacing it occasionally with a totally different kind of stimulation. For example, if your fave is an external stimulator like the Nea then try an internal G-spotter like the Silky G. Or use your thumb or squeeze your legs around your wrist or have your partner do whatever he can to at least try to replicate your vibe’s sensations….in a word: experiment! But don’t think of it as weaning yourself off the vibrator, think of it as teasing yourself, building up sexual tension that will hopefully eventually find it’s way out.
- Lower your expectations: Don’t say “Okay, today is going to be the day I do it on my own and I’m not leaving this bedroom until it happens.” It ain’t never going to happen that way. Instead, set aside a certain amount of time just to stimulate yourself, try new things, take notice of your bodily response — and when time’s up, allow yourself to go the ol’ faithful route. Each consecutive session, extend that time little longer. There could be times when you occasionally don’t allow yourself release, just to help with that teasing we mentioned above, but fasting until it happens “naturally” is just cruel and unusual punishment.
- Use toys for couples. Experiment with vibrators that can be used harmoniously during other sex acts, e.g. a vibrating penis ring during intercourse or a vibrating finger extension during manual or oral stimulation.
- Practice, practice, practice. Hey, it’s not math, it’s masturbation!
- Don’t stress about it too much. The odds are good that eventually, if you hang in there, you’ll be able to go it alone. It might be a matter of time, or practice, or the right partner, or the right mind-set, or the right age — you never know. But in the meantime, there’s no point NOT enjoying all those awesome orgasms available to you at the flick of a switch.
Wax on, wax off,
Em & Lo
Do you find it hard to have any kind of orgasm in bed?
“10 Steps to Crossing the Finishing Line in Bed Tonight”
Hii,, i was falling in love very bad but after the first time sex i told my boyfriend that i just come with my toy and he didnt call me the next day so i did call him and he was very honest telling me that he needed a woman that had orgasm without a toy please help!! even though he is gone!!
I just wanted to say after much sexual frustration I finally had an orgasm…but only with a vibrator. Which did cause problems in bed with my husband. Not because he didn’t want me to climax but because he felt he was inferior, and trust me he’s not! I tried explaining that it wasn’t his fault but it didn’t soothe his ego any. So finally I started faking when we made love and used the vibrator after he had fallen asleep to climax. I started doing some research on the internet about reaching an orgasm with just your hands and alas I found this! I immediately after reading this grabbed my lube…after twenty minutes I had a successful orgasm with just me, myself, and KY! Thank you so much for this…and if my husband knew he would thank you too 🙂
I’ve had this problem for years. I always believed that I was in that group of women that just wasn’t stimulated enough during any kind of intercourse that didn’t include a vibrator to achieve an orgasm. I’ve actually withheld from any kind of stimulation for the past month because I thought there was no point to get myself worked up without my vibrator nearby. But, I have to admit that literally right after I read this article I tried these tips and I had my first non-vibrator induced orgasm. It was just as, if not more, intense than any orgasm I’ve ever had with my vibrator. Thank you so much!
This is really the ONLY set of practical tips on the web. Everywhere else it’s ONLY a vague “practice”, or worse, “cold turkey” which leaves one with no orgasms at all.
Actually worked, too. Just a small one at first, but that’s a start! 😀
Pretty soon I’ll be able to sleep with people in good conscience.
What worked for me was hiding the vibrator… waited a few days, and couldn’t take it anymore. I mentally broke down, got some lube, popped the hood and went to town.
I’m still working on not being able to get off whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, but being on top, I’ve gotten damn close. ;]
Wish I would’ve thought of a google search to answer my problem before… Oh well, I hope this helps someone. :]
I learned this from I Heart Female Orgasms:
Go ahead and masturbate with your vibrator, but right before you climax cut the power and just stop. Repeat this at least 5 more times (or as many as you can stand without coming). It will feel like it’s taking forever but the buildup makes the payoff amazing, and that’s what makes it great practice for partnered sex.
This is the exact reason I’ve never used a vibrator. I’m afraid to get dependent on it. I think I probably started experimenting with manual masturbation around 14, and was an old pro at it by the time I actually got around to being in bed with a guy. I’ve contemplated buying toys….but ultimately decide that I’m doing just fine without it.
LMFAO – I love the O face pics too! Top row middle pic and middle row right pic are my FAV’s.
Putting pressure on yourself to orgasm is going to guarantee failure.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about what turns you on. He will appreciate the pointers if he is wanting to please you. If he is not willing to be patient and only wants to ‘get his’ dump him and find a better partner.
Don’t forget that sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not stressful!
I’d love to be with a lady who would use a toy while I was with her. I think it’s fun. Your boyfriend missed out.
This post reminds me that I ought to give manual stimulation a try. I’ve become so lazy these days with the range of toys available to me.
All of this is spot on. We always recommend enjoying the sensations of masturbation and stimulation, rather than ignoring everything else in favour of an orgasm. The build up is pretty nice after all.
I recently worked alongside a friend on a movie set reenacting a parade. His costume was that of an army core engineer, and he had a hard hat on with a sticker on it that said “THE OLDER I GET THE BETTER I FUCK!”. Please revisit this phrase about every 10 years.
One of these days its just going to happen. Your lover is going to find what trips your trigger. You may be doing it up reverse cowgirl style and you lover sticks their thumb in your bum and it just DOES it!
What’s more important is that you someday understand that your orgasm is not the gift that some body or piece of equipment gives to you, but rather the gift , the very best gift you can give, to THEM. Whats going on with your mind(s) is key. The physical details will work themselves out.
This is a great post! And love the O face pics!!
I had this problem about a year ago. What worked for me was going about two weeks without ANY type of sexual stimulation. Yes, it was difficult, but when I finally masturbated (manually only) I had an amazing orgasm!
It might have had something to do with the whole waiting a fortnight deal, but I was broken of my vibrator-dependency. I now make sure I rotate between different types of stimulation, just to make sure I don’t fall back into my old ways.
Hope this advice is of some use to you. Good luck!
imp