Dear Em & Lo: Did I Ruin Things By Sleeping with Him Too Soon?

photo via flickr

G’day mates (yep I’m Australian),

Okay, the scenario: Met a guy on a Friday at a shop. Swapped numbers and he asked me out. I couldn’t that weekend cause I was busy with my bday party. He texted me Saturday night to ask how the party was going and mentioned he was close by. I was drunk partying with friends and I asked him to join us. He did.I party Aussie style, which can be a little wild. We ended up spending the night together.

He called or texted every day since and we went out again last night and he spent the night. I did tell him I wasn’t looking for just a hook-up and I won’t be a booty call. He assured me he thought we had chemistry and that it was more than that.

I’d like a relationship with him but have I blown it sleeping with him too quickly? Would he look at me as girlfriend material? We are both early 40’s so not kids and both educated successful people. I date a lot and sleep with guys if I want to but am clear I don’t want relationship BUT this guy is different and I really want more with him. My girlfriends say I’ve probably blown it and sleeping too quickly was a mistake. I’m a modern independent woman who knows exactly what I want so don’t play games and don’t like to play games.

Thoughts? Feedback? Comments? Help?

— Getting Down Under

Dear G.D.U.,

You sound like a smart woman. We think you should listen to yourself — and to this guy — and not pay so much to attention to your girlfriends, who probably pay a little too much attention to The Rules and all that nonsense. Let’s look at the facts, shall we? You slept with a guy and then he called you or texted you every day until he saw you again. Then you told him that you were interested in something serious and he didn’t catch the next plane for New Zealand. In fact, he agreed with you. You’ve been more honest and upfront than most people we know, and so far you’re being rewarded for it. We only wish the world always operated in this way!

But for the record: Whether or not this guy sticks around, we think your girlfriends are dead wrong. Here’s why: If a guy is interested in you only for sex, then he’ll take off as soon as he’s had enough of that sex with you — whether you make him wait 24 hours or 24 days for the goods. Making him wait isn’t going to change his mind on that front. And if a guy really likes you — in a Girlfriend Material kind of way — then chances are that sleeping with him isn’t going to change his mind, either. And if it does, then that’s not exactly the kind of guy that a modern, independent, non-game-playing woman like yourself should be with. Consider it a good way to weed out the unqualified applicants!


Em & Lo


  1. This standard of ‘waiting’, ‘holding out’ only applies to some subsets of men and women.
    If a man lost respect for me because I chose to have sex with him ‘too fast’ he is not a man I want in my life or my bed.
    And judging from your letter you are not in that category.
    Nor am I.
    Don’t worry about it.
    Real men love real, sexy women.
    There are a lot of fucked up sexual mores out there. Don’t take it on. Be the sex and honesty you want to see in the world.

  2. It sucks that it’s such a double standard, man would never think ruined a potential relationshipby giving it up too fast! If he is the right guy for you, he will still respect you after you sleep with him.

  3. @Lily: “I know I really really like someone when I find myself too nervous to even consider sleeping with them on the first night, hah!”

    Nice! Makes sense.

    Also, while I think the idea of “testing” partners for relationship worthiness is a really, really bad idea (I mean “gee, what kind of “tests” would you like them to try on you?”) it’s certainly the case that if he doesn’t call back after not having sex on the first date then it’s probably a good sign that it wasn’t going to work out anyway.

    At the end of the day (ok, ok, or the next morning) whether you have sex or not, most first dates don’t result in second ones. Therefore a lot of first dates where you have sex also aren’t going to result in second ones.

    This means you should probably decide what you want to do rather than what you think you’re supposed to do. If you want to have sex anyway then have sex. If you’d rather not then for heaven’s sake why would you!

    This applies, of course, on the 3rd, 10th, or 100th dates as well — the only “right” time to start having sex in a relationship is when you actually want to have sex!

    But getting back to the specific question I’m with everyone else: Drop the “even though we had sex on the first date” part — he wants to see you again! You want to stay focused on that part.


  4. I wonder why the people who write these letters never seem to be concerned with stds-never mind if the guy is relationship material or not. This person is a complete stranger, gee, am I going to get sick?

    I really don’t get it.

  5. Well, the fact is, you can’t predict how things are gonna play out. He is still hanging around so obviously you haven’t “blown it” yet. I would take it as a good sign that you guys can talk honestly. So, just focus on getting to know him and being happy. The rest will fall into place as it should.

  6. I think people need a story to tell in order to justify why things go wrong when they do. And I think we love blaming ourselves. The good old ‘I slept with him too soon’ is a classic. At the end of the day, they like you or they don’t. I’ve had amazing relationships blossom out of one night stands as well as long term friendships. But I must say, I know I really really like someone when I find myself too nervous to even consider sleeping with them on the first night, hah!

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