Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.
— Sam I Am
Dear Sam I Am,
Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.
But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!
Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]
As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.
That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.
Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.
But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.
Seussily yours,
Em & Lo
Wow. I am so glad I read this article! The first time my new bf and I got frisky, I was about to perform a bj on him, and he stopped me after 3 seconds. (he had just gone down on me, so I wasn’t all broken-hearted when he stopped me) I was confused, but he simply said he didn’t want it. So, I’ve just assumed that I would give him a bj when he was in the mood for one. I can tell you, it was a surprising and enjoyable moment to not have to feel obligated to return the favor. I will definitely bring this anti-bj issue up before we get frisky again. aka: within the next 24 hours.
Viva anti-bj!!!
Emandlo-
Since you ask, it comes down to something that Figleaf, as usual, puts so adroitly and which a few others have touched on as well. I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant. When the activity heads south, I get real uncomfortable. Too uncomfortable to actually enjoy the experience. Put succinctly, it feels exploitative to me. It might be my egalitarian streak, but I don’t really like having done to me that which I wouldn’t do and (just between us) performing fellatio has no allure for me whatsoever. It’s entirely possible that I’d feel differently about receiving cunnilingus but that’s an experiment that’s unlikely to take place in the near future. I’m the last person to claim that this is in any way a rational position and I fully appreciate that we’re talking about apples and kumquats here. Welcome to my world.
To be blunt most women don’t know how to give a BJ. They watched “Deep Throat” and think that is the way is is done.
First of all, teeth hurt! There are such things as ‘dental dams’ which prevent such damage.
Speaking for myself the best I ever had consisted of a hand job accompanied by a nice suction on the head only. If the lady has an objection to swallowing the semen (which is harmless) she can have a towel handy to spit it into.
I suspect Sam never knew a particular redhead that I knew many years ago!
My bf loves the oral attention, but he’s never been able to get off with a bj (from me or anyone else). It’s hard not to take it personally, but it’s just the way God made him….
I’m on the opposite side of this….my husband loves them but I can’t give them too often. My dentist tells me that I have big tonsils which causes a very sensitive gag reflex. Long story short, I only have about 3 gags and it’s all over…..maybe I should write in for advice about that…
Slartibart, just curious (seeing as this letter surprised us so much): Why don’t *you* care for them?
I remember a coworker who, even though she knew better intellectually, couldn’t get over the uncomfortable idea that her partner (another coworker) would smother if he went down on her. Even though he made it very clear he loved doing it and wanted to do it to her. Even though other women coworkers told her how much they wished their partners were as enthusiastic as he was. Her discomfort whenever she let him try just made it impossible for her to relax enough to find out whether she’d actually enjoy it enough.
Sounds like the same thing with Sam. And because, as with cunnilingus for for women, fellatio doesn’t work for all men, I don’t see why he should be pushed to let his partner keep trying. I *really* don’t think she should keep trying to sneak one on him!
Which is a good rule of thumb anyway. Consider the more familiar case of anal penetration. Past a certain point it doesn’t matter how much one’s partner enjoys doing it to you nor does it matter how much the partner’s previous partners enjoyed it he or she did it. If you’re not into it it’s generally agreed that one’s partner shouldn’t push you for it. And they *sure* shouldn’t try and slip something into you hoping you’ll change your mind! Same with fellatio or anything else that squicks you, even if it doesn’t squick anyone else.
Based on comments so far I’d say it’s probably still ok to generalize that men like fellatio, but no one should be surprised, let alone shocked, to find numerous exceptions.
figleaf
I could have written this letter, with the exception that I know why I don’t care for oral attention. There have been a few instances where the technique was superlative, but, even so, it’s something I can readily do without.
nick sounds like my bf : )
Although I’m not in the same boat, I could see it… There have been times I’ve gotten extra uncomfortably sensitive down there and needed to quit the stimulation for a minute. If BJ’s made me feel like that I wouldn’t want them either.
Well i love it and have loved it since the beginning its the most intense kind of attention you can get 🙂
It took me a long time to learn to enjoy them too.
was a long time before i had a partner who knew what she was doing.
and another long time to learn how to allow myself to receive that kind of attention.
Agree with Tilly. Really isn’t weird at all…
My guy doesn’t care for them either –> not to the same extent as portrayed here but they definitely are not his favorite, to say the least.
How do you feel about hand jobs? Could those be substituted in instead?
You have my sympathy, I don’t give a crap if a guy goes down on me or not because tongue doesn’t get me off.
It really isn’t so weird- my guy hates them too. Always has. He would much rather go to town on me and save his stimulation for intercourse.