Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.
— Sam I Am
Dear Sam I Am,
Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.
But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!
Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]
As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.
That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.
Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.
But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.
Seussily yours,
Em & Lo
Ok, so a general consensus here is if your BF doesn’t like BJs, stick to handjobs. What if they don’t like either!? I’m currently dating a guy who has been giving me the best head I’ve ever received…to the point where I actually squirt. I’ve never squirted before in my life! And he loves it, like, licks every last drop… It’s amazing, I’ve hit the oral jackpot, but I feel as if I can’t return the favor in any way, shape or form. When I give him head or a handjob, he goes limp. He says that it feels pleasing and all, but he just can’t relax when someone’s down there. And in addition to being a downer that I can’t please my partner, I actually enjoy giving head, so now I can’t satisfy my own cravings! How am I supposed get what I want and pleasure my man? =(
Btw, as for the “teeth or always a no-no” thing, my first boyfriend (and first guy I ever went down on) actually requested “more teeth.” Confused the shit out of me then, confuses me now when I look back. And how do I keep finding these kinds of guys?
I’m a guy who also detests oral sex. I have a lot of issues about it but I can’t have everyone listen to me about it cuz’ they do it. I wish people wouldn’t. I can’t stand it, not even looking at people do it, like in porn. I wouldn’t compare it to love but the actions are the same cuz’ its sex. I’m a virgin still and do want sex but I’d rather stick to regular clean sex cuz’ I feel it shameful to degrade a girl into bad hygenic risking and gross habit. A lot would disagree with me, that also means I’m athiest and a lot would disagree my beliefs too if I ranted about that. So if you think you’re alone, I’m that too cuz’ I think I’m alone as well. There’s only very few men who are athiests and i hope few who also feel the way I do about oral sex. To my views, oral sex is unecessary and can just cause diseases altogether. If you like it clean, I’d stick to straight sex. If you want other additional fun techniques that are less degrading, the best I can accept is foreplay and handjobs.
I don’t want to argue about my views btw, plz.
I think that my boyfriend enjoys oral sex a little too much – it usually makes him climax too quickly. He and I would rather spend our time pleasing each other as much as possible, so if fellatio is involved, it’s usually at the very end of our sex session.
This one is a difficult one. I love going downtown on my girl, and the few times I had GF that did not like me to go there, I was miserable.
If your GF is one of those girls that do not like giving head, then you are fine, but if she is the other kind, you are in trouble.
I heard Dr. Drew say on Lovelines once that 25% of men couldn’t get off from oral sex. I’m one of those guys. I came once from a bj, about 10 years ago. Since then I pretty much just tell the girl to save her energy. This idea that you have about all men loving bj’s is nonsense; a western stereotype, basically.
Honestly I agree with the original post. I am twenty four years old, and I DO NOT enjoy oral sex, at all. The combination of teeth-dragging experiences and inexperienced girls has left me with no desire to engage in oral sex, ever. If they feel the need, I’m not going to tell them to stop, but honestly I have never reached a climax through oral sex.
Well, right now I would be telling your gf to count her blessings… my bf loves oral sex and for me hate doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings toward it. I feel like it is something I must do for him since he does so much for me, but truthfully it is the worst thing i’ve experienced.
Guys, just to let a few of you know, i only had oral sex once at the age of 18, it happend so fast i didn’t enjoy it. i’m now 54 and married to a wonderful woman that has given me some of the best sex any man could ever ask for [especially oral]. Here’s the bummer…due to certain health factors, along with me smoking most of my life, i am now suffering from ED and can only perform while on Cialis. Another bummer… i have lost most of my senitivity and cannot get off at all during oral,and i have to work real hard also to get off having intercourse. And Ladies don’t feel too bad about your guys being too sensitive, i only wish that was my only problem to deal with. I just wanted to share this with most of you,and i hope that most of you can find solutions to help with your issues.
Bam Bam-
I’m not quite arrogant enough to presume that I know your BF’s mind on this question, but personal experience tells me it’s totally possible that he prefers manual to oral. It may be a testament to your phenomenal dexterity and not because you’re orally challenged. In the first place, I’ve heard rumors that handjobs can be of a highly stimulating nature. In the second place (and speaking just for myself), they aren’t as emotionally freighted as BJs which is what usually prevents me from really getting into fellatio.
Kaybie, it’s not unfair to ask for for oral. It’s not that out-there a request, and if he’s really uncomfortable with it he can say no. Which, if he does, you should dump him for. There are guys out there you’ll have a better sex life with.
I am an intermediate case. I don’t dislike it, I just almost never can climax from it, which can leave your partner feeling bummed. I guess I am good at conveying this however, because it never really seems to be a problem. It all started when I was young, and honestly I didn’t realize I was slightly above average, and my partner would gag. Bigtime negative. My youth was during a time when aids was just discovered, so then the social climate changed, and it became a serious no no to ejaculate, so it feels good, but what ever you do, don’t ejaculate. About that time I had a partner that would bring a paper towel to bed. So now we got …. it feels good, the towels waiting and you know right at the climax he is going to come out of the warmth, into the cold air and … the towels waiting… come on, the towels waiting. That was it for me, get rid of the towel, get rid of the whole thing. Fast track years later, I put the final nail in that coffin, I got pierced down there, read tooth clacker. That is like chasity for bjs. game over.
Moral of this story? Some things just don’t work, anal is generally not an option and bjs won’t have a happy ending. Its OK and certainly not her fault, there are so many other fun things to do!
This is so strange that this was published right now! I think my boyfriend likes handjobs more than blow jobs. I’ve tried different things but he always seems to want a handjob more than anything else. It goes against everything I’d ever heard so I’ve been wondering if it’s me so I’ve tried all kinds of different things. But maybe he’s not alone and maybe it’s not me, either. I just don’t know. I don’t think he’s against them, per se, he just seems a lot more into the hand jobs.
Slartibart: Thanks for the reply. Consider us enlightened!
Well ladies if any of you are from Columbus, OH and feel bad about your bf not wanting a bj…give me a call….I love both giving and receiving oral pleasures.
Funny that I should read this today. Just had a conversation with a new boyfriend about giving and receiving head (he’s not into either). I am surprised that Em and Lo are so surprised by this letter because he is not the first guy I have been with who didn’t love getting head. I wonder if it is more common with non-Western guys, as BJs are really fetishized in American/Western media. I think that a lot of men and women have internalized that.
That being said I really enjoy giving head and so its s disappointment to me that he doesn’t like it, though not the end of the world. What might be the end of the world is that he doesnt want to go down on me. It is something that I enjoy a lot and I have a hard time coming or even getting wet without oral stimulation. What do you guys think, would you consider this a dealbreaker? Is it unfair of me to want to ask him for it?