There is a long-standing debate over whether porn is good for you or bad for you. We received two questions from straight women decidedly in the “bad for you” camp. So we “remixed” our Wise Guys’ thoughts on the topic with some of our own to come up with advice for straight women disturbed by their partners’ porn consumption:
Dear Em & Lo, I just learned my amazing college boyfriend uses porn to masturbate, at least twice a week. Understand, we’re not talking an unhealthy dependency on porn, and he remains very focused on me when we have sex. He says it’s just an old habit from high school. I consider myself very tolerant, and I am aware that most guys indulge in this kind of thing. However, I can’t understand why he needs the help of a girl he’s never met to satisfy himself. I realize there is high quality porn available that helps empower women, but that’s not the sort he described to me as his preference. I just can’t understand the appeal of what he’s watching. To a degree, I almost feel cheated on. I’m not ridiculous, and wouldn’t demand an ultimatum or anything silly like that. I just don’t understand.
Dear Em & Lo, My wonderful husband and I have a full and varied sex life, yet my husband insists on watching porn. I generally like porn for us to watch together. What he does however is watch porn during the day when I am not home. I have asked him several times to not do this and he either says he will stop or is non-committal. Now what he does is watch it anyway but deletes it from the history in the computer. My question is, am I wrong to ask this of him? Do I need to just get over this issue even though it really bothers me?
Dear Porn Patrol,
Let’s take your relationship with shoes or women’s magazines or whatever guilty pleasure you enjoy: imagine if your partner said he was viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggested that it might be a deal breaker. Or imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you. You’d be bummed, because you know those things don’t impact the love you have for your partner. You might, out of generosity and kindness, give them up, but then you’d probably become bitter and resentful for being forced to change. The same could go for him and you might find he ends up on somewhere such as hdsexvideo or similar websites a little more frequently than twice or so a week.
We understand how porn makes you feel uncomfortable and unloved and disrespected — we’ve been there — but really, from your partner’s perspective, it has nothing to do with you; you’re not in any competition with it; it’s a normal and almost unavoidable part of being a sexual being in this Internet age (and we’re not just talking men; plenty of women enjoy porn regularly, too). Honestly, you’ll have a hard time finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one who doesn’t like sports!
This is not to say that all porn is harmless. Some studies (cited here) found that men’s porn use was associated with lower quality sex and lower levels of intimacy in their relationships. We think that the prevalence of porn can be blamed for a lot of the misconceptions young people (and plenty of adults) have today about pleasure and safety and what constitutes sex and what works for women’s bodies and what it means to treat people with decency and respect. Which is why it’s so important not only for decent, realistic sex education to be readily and widely available, but for people — especially women — to support the production of quality, feminist porn (like Erika Lust’s films), because porn ain’t going away.
Of course, you can’t dictate people’s sexual fantasies or tell them what they can and can’t watch, like some uptight Big Brother. Well, you can try if, you’re their partner, but it probably won’t go over so well. Which is why it’s better to tell them how you feel. Compromises can be made on both sides so everyone’s more at ease.
Maybe you try to find something that turns you on, that you find acceptable so you can see where he’s coming from, as it were. Maybe so you could even enjoy it together! At least two studies (cited here) showed that women’s use of porn correlated with higher quality sex lives.
And you can certainly encourage him to stay away from the more disturbing stuff, like, say, Brazilian fart porn — there is plenty of good, old-fashioned, healthy and responsible boot-knocking going on out there by consenting adults who aren’t on drugs. But if he’s compulsively watching porn instead of having sex with you, or his porn consumption is disrupting his work or school or social outings or daily living, then you’re in your rights to strongly recommend he seek professional help.
Assuming it’s not an actual problem for him, and you can’t find a way to get into it yourself, but you’re not willing to walk away from the relationship, then ask him to keep a private thing (and if he’s doing this already, consider it him being polite!). Don’t talk about it, definitely don’t watch it, don’t snoop for signs of it. In this case, ignorance can be bliss.
Em & Lo
*Masturbation is something you should continue to do whether you’re in a relationship or not, married or not — it’s good for you to have some quality alone time!
Siri, you wrote my feelings exactly, which i wasn’t able to express myself. I am in the same situation. I too felt very hurt when i found my bf’s stash of porn. First it did scare me a lot….seeing a girl with a distended anus and knowing that my bf watched it and was probably turned on at the time really scared me–is that what he wanted from me? if yes, i couldn’t provide it, and if no, i felt guilty about disappointing him.
Even if i was the most beautiful girl in the world, with the hottest body, i feel like having a bf watching porn regularly conditions him to seek more hardcore type of stuff everytime, increasing dissatisfaction with even the most adventurous type of girl. After all he can get any type of scenario on demand, and then delete the images with a single click.
another thing is that if the last 10,000 girls he has seen are tan scrawny girls with huge silicone implants–it is impossible for me to believe it doesn’t have an effect on his psyche and expectations.
once in a while to get new ideas or get rid of some pent-up frustration? i think that’s fine. like a cigarette. but on a regular basis, tolerance builds up so i don’t agree with it.
Hi – I think kb has a good point. For me, my objections about porn are nothing to do with me thinking I am in competition or that I am ‘not enough for my man’ – it is always interesting that a discussion about a man’s use of porn usually involves talk about how that reflects on the womans ‘worth’ or view of herself instead of what it says about the person using the porn. I am not in competition because I am not a porn actress trying to get work. My objection is about what porn says about women to women, to people who use porn and wider society – and therefore what it says about the men who watch it. Porn is not a private affair. What I do with my body with another consenting adult is. Porn sets out a view of women and sex that the majority of the time undermines women, their sexuality and their worth in the eyes of society and the men who watch it. That’s not to say there are not porn movies and companies out there that make porn where the women are treated well as employees and the films themselves do not perpetuate misogynistic views of women – but they are rare. I am cool with erotica and films where sex is about an equal partnership and where both characters are treated with respect can be really powerful and sexy – I am not against all forms of sexual film. And I also understand that for many porn is about fantasy – you might never get that threesome in real life but you can watch it in a film – kind of like how I will never pull Johnny Depp but can watch him in Public Enemy. But then while fantasy by definition is likely to be unrealistic I am still not cool with fantasies about causing a woman to gag through oral, waxed genitals that make the person look like a 12 year old and that pleading no is basically saying ‘yes, I want it – whatever that may be’. I would question whether I want to be with someone who thinks that is ok to even fantasise about that. So, while I think relationships are about compromise, and I would never ask my partner to not do something just because I said so, I think comparing a persons shoe buying habit (using their own hard earned cash and if it isn’t impacting on their families financial well-being) to porn which objectifies and teaches a vision of sexuality that is not generally speaking about mutual sexual enjoyment, is simplifying a complex and serious issue. Porn may have enabled people to be more sexually free in some ways – on the other hand it has created a culture where playboy logos are on pencil cases for primary school kids, the size of your breasts is more important than you as a person, and decisions about what you do sexually are more about what your significant other has seen in a film called ‘two cocks one ass’ than about what would make you both feel good and comfortable in your own skin.
That’s a really good point kb. And honestly, just because a girl is okay with some moves that are common in pornography doesn’t mean that she is okay with pornography itself… All sexual ideas don’t actually have to come from watching another couple do it on your laptop. Some of us are more creative than that.
also Johnny-no, I’m not in competition with these hypothetical women who love doing things that I wouldn’t(that gets a little weird because I love doing some things from porn, won’t do others). but if you really like something I don’t enough to insist on it, why the heck would I want to be sleeping with you? It just sounds like no fun sex. I’m only in competition with women who want the same thing I do. To give an example to show what I mean- If you like shaved genitals enough to insist on them, and I don’t want to shave, then I don’t want you. I can find someone else. so I’m not in competition with women who like to shave. Different market.
DS-do you not see the difference between taking it up the ass as a title and working it as a title? really? that difference right there is the whole issue with a lot of porn.
I do not care for porn, simply because I do not want to see what I can,t have. I want to talk,feel,exprience a person. That is what is important to me.
What porn has done for the sexual landscape is absolutely awesome. The idea that porn doesn’t depict “real” sex acts was true a few years ago, but not anymore.
In the last few years almost all the women I’ve gotten sexually involved with were super-kinky as a result of porn’s ubiquity. The sex I have IS the sex you see in porn – the very nastiest. And girls LOVE it. Hell, most of the time it’s their idea.
Object all you want. Women who object to porn are in direct sexua competition not with the actresses, but with the real-life women who love acting out the nasty things they see in porn.
kb, part of the reason porn objectifies women is that men themselves wish to be objectified. We’d love it if women stared at our bodies the way we do theirs. So while you may not like to watch “sluts who take it up the ass”, men would love to star in a film called “guys with big johnsons working it.”
I’m not interested in being liked for who I am when I’m in fantasyland.
I don’t really understand why the lack of respect for women in porn is supposed to be okay because “it has nothing to do with you” no, I’m not competing with women in porn,or at least, not in any healthy relationship. but that means I can’t object to videos based around calling women nasty names? really? my problem with “college sluts get raped up the ass” has nothing to do with my boyfriend seeing other women naked, or jealousy. I know you say not all porn is good. how do you have the discussion about respecting women without making it “only porn that I like”?
Siri, Thanks for that thoughtful and eloquent response. We wish we had been that wise at your age!
Em & Lo
I am sorry I offended and upset some people, but as I went on later in my “rant” I drew a parallel between that and another situation to show that I do understand and while I may have been a bit harsh it’s just who I am I’m sorry if I upset you. I think you may have thought I was a bit of a slut to have to write about you waiting for your boyfriend to find love and sex, I did too. I had no idea that porn actually scared you, I’m sorry.
I am, indeed, one of those people who asked the question. I’m the college student. Thanks for the answer, by the way, Em and Lo.
My boyfriend and I pretty much ended up resolving it like you recommended: I’m not really into porn (and yes, I have tried), but he is, and while he respects my views and probably would change if I were truly a “holier-than-thou” type person and demanded it, I haven’t asked him to and I never would. I don’t aspire to that degree of control, and while I don’t understand his porn habit, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have to. It’s his personal time, and it’s not like we have to share every part of our lives with each other.
Erin, I’d like to clear up my objection to you. I don’t think that porn is “bad” and I am “better” than the bf because I don’t watch it. I believe in a full and healthy expression of your sexuality (thus, I read this website and don’t remotely qualify as uptight) and believe in personal liberty as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.
But I value sex as the highest expression of love between two people. No, I didn’t save it for marriage, I saved it for someone I was in love with, the kind of love that changes your life and makes you see rainbows in all the puddles on the sidewalk…you know. And no, I don’t judge those who like their casual flings, that’s just not right for me. And my bf is the same way. We both waited for each other. (Everyone together now: “Awwww…”)
My discovery a few months later that my bf watched porn on a regular basis was somewhat of a shock: call me naive, but also hear me out. I didn’t know he looked at other girls’ bodies on a regular basis, I didn’t know that he had watched sex thousands of times before engaging in the “first time” with me…it was just an abrupt realization that he had a totally different relationship to sex than I did. For me, it was the highest possible connection, something terrifying and kind of sacred, something I took a year to work up to. For him, (on some level) it was something he watched strangers do all the time to get off. See the inconsistency?
I had no problem imagining how he could get off watching people he didn’t know: the concept of voyeurism is familiar to me. It’s just that, personally, I can’t separate the physical pleasure of sex from the emotional connection, and when I want sex, I want it with him. Earth to me: boys are different. Yes, I know.
So what you read was the freak-out reaction of a very smitten, very naive girl who has since learned that you can view sex from more than one angle. Just because he needs porn to satisfy him physically doesn’t mean that my role in his life is diminished. I get it. I promise.
Erin,
I don’t have a problem with your opinion but you probably could have gotten your point across without calling people with the other view “holier-than-thou” and “stupid”.
People are raised differently with different values and different environments. Just because you’re comfortable with on thing in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s good, right, or better than what another is comfortable with.
Clearly those asking the question see that there is another side to the equation and are looking to understand it. Calling them names isn’t going to help them value your opinion.
Maybe you should re-evaluate how you talk to people with different opinions than your own.
I watch and masturbate to porn, because after several years of marriage my wife has become boring as hell in the bedroom. After trying everything that I can think of and have read about to spice things up and nothing works, I am left with two choice…porn or cheating. I’ve chosen porn to this point. However, after serveral years of not receiving any oral (yes, I give) and only having missionary and on the VERY rare occasion her on top; I can’t say for sure if the option to get wild and crazy presented itself I wouldn’t take it.
I just can’t imagine telling my boyfriend to stop watching porn, in fact I watch more porn than he does. I can’t imagine the holier-than-thou uptight person who is telling their partner it’s wrong to watch or use as an aid in masturbation. I don’t understand the problem unless you are very insecure and in that case perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship with this person because they are not going to change. It’s a very controlling thing to ask of someone, while I may understand it’s like if your partner made you dinner every night and before dinner you ate a pre-dinner then came home and ate the second meal. If the person found out they might be upset that you filled up on a meal and then ate the meal they slaved away to make just for you, so you can’t say I don’t understand. Saying that they can’t see why people would get off to it because they don’t know the person is plain stupid. It’s called voyeurism and it’s the same when you gain pain and pleasure from watching a regular movie as well as someone who is getting sexual pleasure from watching porn, it’s a turn on, just because the person is masturbating does not mean they are automatically thinking of the people in the porn doing it to them. It’s arousing to the person watching on many levels and personally I think thats fine as long as they still continue to have sex with their partner and do not expect their partner to start doing hard core porn moves with them.