My Boyfriend Doesn’t Care About My Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

This guy I am seeing is really affectionate, loves cuddling and is a great kisser but he won’t even try and make me come. He’s gone down on me once (didn’t come) and I can’t count how many times I’ve given him head. The other night I gave him head he came and nothing for me. Next morning I gave him head again to try and get some but nope, nothing. He came and then got up and left me there craving more. So I finished myself off. I was not impressed with this behaviour as my ex would always make me climax first then himself… I don’t know whether this is because it’s a new relationship or what but I’m kind of getting really uninterested in him really quickly. I’d rather be single than have a guy who has no interest in making me climax. I am 24 and he’s younger. What should I do?

— O-less in Omaha

What should O-less do?
Let her know in the comments below!


  1. Hi,

    I wonder if he realises that he’s not satisfying you, he’s probably thinking that he’s the lucky one.

    Since we don’t know his past he may not have been with anyone for long so they may not have said anything. He may have been with someone who didn’t enjoy it and so the summary seems to me to be that pleasuring you just isn’t on his mind (and he may not be all that skilled in that department given the lack of practice). Letting him know that you’d enjoy his touch and attention may be an easier way to raise the topic.

    One thing to keep in mind is that he’s not going to be interesting in playing with you once he’s cum so getting him to play with you before finishing him off would also help.

    Unless he he shows an interest in your needs once he becomes aware that you desire more, then he’s pretty much letting you know that this is who he is.

  2. O-less in Omaha,
    As Johnny said, if you haven’t talked to him, you need to. He honestly may just be nervous and not know what he’s doing– talking him through what you want could be a quick fix. Maybe consider masturbating together so he can learn more. If you talk and nothing comes of it (pun intended), then call it quits. Anyone who doesn’t care about your pleasure isn’t good enough for you.

  3. This is the problem with sex ed in this country. We don’t teach boys how to pleasure women, and we don’t teach women to demand pleasure. It all flows in one inequitable direction. Guys aren’t going to intuit this, they need to be taught – so speak up! It’s your civic duty. You don’t need to be a jerk about it (tho it’s certainly warranted) – he’ll probably respond best to you expressing disappointment about the unfairness, rather than dismay and disgust. If he can’t listen and learn, then as bklynbug said, dtmfa.

    1. Ha… I mean… get what you’re saying, but… boys? What if someone suggested that we should teach girls to pleasure men? Sounds pretty bad then.

      1. HA! Yes, I see how that may not have come out right. I mean kids should be taught about pleasure and respect and reciprocity and agency. Porn’s not doing the job. With boys, it’s something they expect, something they get, it’s not something shared. With girls, it’s something they give and don’t expect in return. Girls don’t need to be taught how to pleasure boys because they’re bombarded by it in the culture: “HERE’S HOW TO BE SEXY FOR MEN!!! (Oh, and forget about being sexual for yourself.)” If people learned at an earlier age about partnered sex as a respectful EXCHANGE, then there wouldn’t be so many guys like the one above.

        1. Yeah… porn’s supposed to be entertainment for adults, not education for kids, but unfortunately it is. It’s ubiquitous, impossible to keep away from a determined young boy, and perverted beyond belief. When I was ten, a stolen Playboy was the closest we got to porn. When I was a teenager, one VHS porno tape would provide you (and all your friends) with years of wanking material – to blowjobs, vaginal sex, and the OCCASIONAL buttsex. You learned about actual sex from things you heard on the playground, and through trial and error.

        2. Oh by the way – some men DO teach/learn how to be sexy for women. From a man’s looks to seduction to the act of sex, the PUA community instructs men on how to be appealing to women. Unfortunately the men who do the teaching get called sociopathic con artists (which is sometimes true, but hey, what position of influence doesn’t get abused?) and the men who do the learning get called desperate losers and would-be rapists.

  4. … you didn’t include the part where you talked to him about this. You HAVE talked to him about this, right? If only to determine whether he’s a jerk or just an inept lover?

    1. Dear O-less in Omaha,
      If you have told him what he needs to know, as I assume you have, then it is time to sit him down, look into his eyes and gently tell him he is now part of your dating history because he is a dud in the sack.

      The truth may push him to grow up. Thus, you’ll not only do yourself a favor by not wasting time with a jerk but, who knows, he might also be less of a Neanderthal with the next woman.

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