The Married Person’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions
  1. Have sex with your partner more than you watch porn/read erotica on your own.
  2. Trim your toenails like you did when you were single before a date.
  3. Kiss your partner on the lips for at least 5 seconds every day.
  4. In the next 6 months, be sure to spend at least one night in a hotel together (even if it’s just at the Hampton Inn in the next town over).
  5. Make the weekly date night a sacrament.
  6. Give more back rubs without the expectation of reciprocal sex.
  7. Try to think of and share stories from your past that you’ve somehow never told each other before (a la “Before Midnight”).
  8. Exercise together (even if that just means going for a walk around the block while holding hands every now and then).
  9. Fart in front of each other less.
  10. Look each other in the eyes when you climax (at least occasionally).



One Comment

  1. I have no basis of knowledge because I’ve never been married, but I can’t imagine marriage is as horrible as these ten “resolutions” make it sound.

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