Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.
Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her! Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing. Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it. Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.
Gay Commited Guy (Terence): First thing you do is hide. Hide everything. If you’ve got magazines, burn ’em cause no one uses them anymore anyway. Then remember to clear your cache and history after you get your rocks off online. Don’t get rid of every site you visited that day, just the porn sites. She’ll never know… I say this because you should never change something about yourself for someone else. It’s like quitting smoking for someone else; it rings empty and isn’t terribly successful. Your question doesn’t even hint that you have a problem with porn. So if that’s the case, then I think your only option is to hide your porn and slowly, over the years, bring her to understand that your porn is not her problem.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.
Um, my guy did get what he wanted, when he wanted it in bed thank you very much. Shoot, I had a higher sex drive than he did.
My ex had a pornography addiction, that led to him acting out his fantasies. And while I realize that not all people who view pornography do not have an addiction, any more than all people who consume alcohol are alcoholics, I also know that you have to be careful, with any addictive substance or activity. And pornography viewing is one of those activities, whether men want to believe it or not.
So, no, I would not be okay with being with a man who viewed pornography often or could not get off without it.
I do not think that pornography is inherently evil or something like that. I just don’t think that it is very healthy to spend a lot of time viewing it. I just think that people on here should stop talking crap about girls who are uncomfortable with it. Do we not all have the right to have our own limits? Yes, most guys view porn. But most guys who have a healthy reaction to porn also know that they could live without it. My current boyfriend respects that. I know that every once in awhile he takes a gander at some porn. But I also know that it’s rare, and that 99 percent of the time he’d much rather be with me.
It all comes down to the Individual; their preferences, how they would react to porn, and how they will cheat/not cheat. You can never group men or women into categories in whole. Its never this way or that (two way road). When you are serious about dating someone, getting to know them, see how they are with porn, and if you do not like how they handle porn, and cannot compromise anything, do not date them, they are not for you. There is always someone out there for everyone.
Exactly. Sorry to hear about your ex, Elizabeth… but keeping him from porn would not have saved your relationship. If you eradicated all of the porn on the planet, he still would have gotten into trouble, ’cause that’s his (self-destructive) nature.
I would guess that the vast majority of guys (and gals) who look at porn do so with a full understanding of the fantasy nature of it. Besides–look at all of those red states with the most restrictive laws against porn, and all kinds of moral crusaders telling us how it’s evil and will ruin our marriages. Meanwhile they have the highest divorce rates in the country. And I would venture a guess that people with more restrictions and judgments in the culture surrounding them have less satisfying sex lives, too.
Elizabeth,
I don’t think porn has anything to to with cheating frequency. Some guys enter relationships because they’re really into a woman, maybe even in love, and they only want to be with her. These guys are generally safe.
Other guys enter relationships because they don’t get laid much, lack sexual options and want a steady source of sex. These guys are malcontents and will cheat first chance they get, porn or no.
No liz, that just means that he is not that sexual. And to be specific becuase if your ‘man’ dosen’t get what he wants in bed he will cheat…. So it has to be a two way street, he gets what he wants and you get what you want. Trust me.
Its the cold hard truth. Take it from being the other women who he cheats with. ME.
Also, will, Porn does NOT lower the chances of cheating. In general, at least in the studies I read recently, men who viewed porn 3 or more times a week were much more likely to cheat on their significant others. Though, the study did say that men who viewed porn one time or less per week were less likely to cheat. But could that just mean that a man who rarely views porn has more respect for the woman his with?
So, I am actually a girl who can’t really handle the whole porn thing. First, because I know what it psychologically does to people. What you watch or listen to never really goes away. Also, because the internet has made pornography so easy to attain, many many men and women have developed pornography addictions.
I have dated a man who had a pornography/cybersex addiction and it was completely and totally devasting. Like most people who suffer an addiction, eventually the “non cheating” stuff of porn and sexual conversations over the internet led to him actually cheating on me with a woman he met over an online casual sex site. Though we no longer date, I know that it took him years to over come this addiction.
I don’t think pornography is a deal breaker, as long as a) he can masturbate to completion without the help of pornography. and b) it is very very limited. There is just a very thin line between healthy use of pornography, and pornography becoming a problem.
I don’t think porn should be a dealbreaker, and if a woman has a problem with it… doesn’t she watch it too? I actually watch porn with my boyfriend (especially Pirates!) and we have a lot of fun laughing at the cheesy lines and horrible acting and hey, it’s hot. Now if he can’t get off without watching porn, then you have an issue.
Craig, in YOUR book that is cheating. So you’d do fine to be with a wife who thinks watching porn is cheating. I’m not sure what you and your partner would do if one of you accidentally had a sex dream about someone else, though. Is that cheating, too?
For me, porn isn’t cheating. My wife knows I look at the occasional picture (I actually look at still images more often than videos), and she doesn’t care. I’m not sure if she looks at images or videos of guys, but it really wouldn’t bother me, and I certainly don’t consider it cheating. It’s her fantasy life, and it’s totally different than the reality of her acting out in the real world.
So I don’t buy into the notion that porn is just garbage that does nothing for you. It can be a release. If anything, it actually lowers the chances of cheating. I’d worry more about the future faithfulness of a couple who denies the existence of fantasies and represses everything that’s not clean/pure/godly/whatever than I would worry about the future of a couple with healthy fantasy lives.
Hey Rei… great comments… However isn’t watching porn in a sense “cheating”? If one is watching porn they are fantasizing and being stimulate by someone who is not their spouse. In my book, that is cheating.
Half of me agrees with Craig; I’ve been in a relationship where the guy I was dating at the time watched some really bad porn (where the woman is tied up, etc…the guy beats on her a bit and makes her do unmentionable things) and wanted me to do the things he watched. Things that made me feel unappreciated. I got out of that relationship quick! Some guys’ perspective on porn is interesting, like they think all women must behave like the porn actresses in those movies; that we should do anything men tell us to do sexually. It’s pure fantasy.
Now, I myself watch porn occasionally, none of the women degradation movies, but tasteful ones. But I do not bring porn into my relationship, I reserve it for ME time. Just like my man, he isn’t a big movie watcher, but has a few forums with ‘naked women threads’ he looks at online.
Some women are threatened by their man’s porn viewing. The women think that they are not good enough in bed to satisfy them, they do not look as fit as the porn actresses do, boob comparison, and how well the porn actress can bend/move, etc. It really hurts some women’s self esteem.
But the most important thing, is that their man is loving them unconditionally, trust is in the relationship, the sex life is very much alive, and no cheating is going on. When you have these, I don’t think porn watching is a threat.
How about just stop watching porn? Really, it does nothing but degrade your marriage. It is silly to think that porn is a good tool to “enhance your sex life or marriage” – remember – the girls you are watching are someones daughter, and could be yours in the future.
It is sad to see how this industry has become so “normal” to many people. Honor your wife and stop filling your mind with this type of garbage that does nothing for you.
Ditto to what Karen said, about compatibility. Your worldview allows for porn consumption, and your girlfriend’s doesn’t. It may sound silly to compromise a relationship, but this is a big deal on a few levels.
One, you like porn, and it gives you safe sexual pleasure without compromising your faithfulness to your girlfriend (yes, I am dismissive of the “porn is cheating” school of thought). She’s trying to deny you that sexual pleasure, which brings me to what I call the Dildo Paradox. If she’s going to forbid you porn, she’d better not have an actual replica of another man’s cock in her top drawer. Better if neither of you interferes with the other’s masturbatory life.
Two, people talk about porn “degrading women” as though the men who participate in it are seen as upstanding community members. Give me a break. Porn is a sleazy business for everyone involved – the starlet, the stud, the boom mike operator. Yes, even the “empowering, feminist porn”. Just because those girls are classily portrayed on screen, doesn’t mean they’re in good shape mentally or emotionally. They’re porn actresses.
Finally, this stinks of compliance testing. I’m wary of any woman who tries to tell me what to do when she’s not around. That would be a deal-breaker for ME, cause I think it’s indicative of a controlling and manipulative personality type. Is there a list of OTHER things she forbids or requires, even if they don’t really affect her in any way?
Think about it.
what fred said, and what sexylibrarian said. i didn’t hear anyone condone lying.
and since when does a partner need to know everything you ever fantasize about? when my girlfriend wants to share her fantasies, that’s great, and when she doesn’t, that’s her business. porn is just a fantasizing tool, and if it’s just something i look at occasionally for a solo quickie, who really cares?
Look, guys need to have some sexual activities that are private. So do women. Masturbating and fantasizing using porn or pictures or smells is natural and does not have ANYTHING to do with whether or not you’re in a committed relationship. It’s just sex. Not love. Sex. It’s normal. Now, is there some freaky ass porn out there that degrades both sexes? Sure. But most guys are not into that stuff. Porn is fantasy, pure and simple. I prefer to read racy romances with the men who say the right things and know how to seduce a woman, he prefers to view 18 year olds with tight thighs and shiny hair. So what? I maintain that a healthy relationship with your mate involves enjoying sex together and enjoying our private sexual fantasies apart, too. Gotta have something that’s just yours, you know?