Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.
Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her! Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing. Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it. Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.
Gay Commited Guy (Terence): First thing you do is hide. Hide everything. If you’ve got magazines, burn ’em cause no one uses them anymore anyway. Then remember to clear your cache and history after you get your rocks off online. Don’t get rid of every site you visited that day, just the porn sites. She’ll never know… I say this because you should never change something about yourself for someone else. It’s like quitting smoking for someone else; it rings empty and isn’t terribly successful. Your question doesn’t even hint that you have a problem with porn. So if that’s the case, then I think your only option is to hide your porn and slowly, over the years, bring her to understand that your porn is not her problem.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.
It is I, your Johnny, Mml. L.
By lit, like kate said, I do mean peer-reviewed academic publication, that I got from my college library for a psych paper years ago. I could probably find it again if I tried, and if I do, I’ll post it for you.
But that was talking about sex workers in general, not porn stars specifically. My info there is more anecdotal. My macabre interest in who’s a dead porn star began when I discovered, a couple of times, that women I was wanking to regularly had been dead of something horrible for 2 years, although she was 5 years younger than me.
So I googled “dead porn stars” and was shocked at what I found. Like 10 women whose work I “admired” were dead of the causes I listed above, and those are just the ones I was familiar with – there were many, many more.
Obviously porn itself is not responsible for drunken car wrecks or overdoses. I guess my point was that these people are chronic bad decision makers, usually because they’ve got major issues, and here’s this industry that’s more than willing to step in and make a buck off that.
Not to mention the threat of HIV, of which I think there have been 19 cases in the U.S. industry since 2004.
Maybe I’m just getting old or something, but the scuzziness of the porn industry is getting harder to ignore. That’s not to say I won’t watch it anymore – to be honest, the train-wreck aspect of it is arousing (hey, screw it – I’m not afraid of my own fantasies). But maybe with time I’ll get there.
I know this isn’t the point of your post, but ‘literature’ is a legitimate term for peer reviewed journal articles. I’m studying towards a PhD and in the department we would always say literature, not research.
johnny said (I don’t he’s “our” Johnny)
“Before anyone take offense to that, look up the lit correlating sex work with mental illness and drug addiction. It’s gross.”
Do have links to this “literature?” Or what most would call research. I’d like to see it. I don’t see porn start dying from “car wrecks (really?) drug overdose, HIV etc” anymore than anyone else in the Entertainment Industry.
If you can provide actual Evidence Based Research to prove your point, I’d read it. Somebody’s opinion, from a Church Group or something does NOT count as “research.” Just so you know. Data, studies, P values, longitudinal will suffice.
^I’d say it’s about exploitation of the performers, male and female, pretty much most of the time.
Many scenes may not DEPICT exploitation as part of the sex, but behind the scenes those women and men are sex workers, which means they’re usually either drug addicts or fucked in the head.
Before anyone take offense to that, look up the lit correlating sex work with mental illness and drug addiction. It’s gross.
I’m sure there are many examples of individuals in the sex trade who are perfectly healthy in their minds and bodies and are just entreprenurial spirits who love sex.
But give me a break. Like professional wrestlers, sex workers die young with alarming predictability. HIV, overdose, suicide, murder, car wrecks… Look up a list of dead porn stars and why they’re dead. Then tell me of any other legal line of work that’s anywhere near that likely to end in tragedy sooooooo often.
As for the exploiters, at the very top they’re big bazillionaire businessmen – think they got that way playing nice? They don’t give a shit. To them porn is a product measured with numbers.
The question for the individual consumer is one of hormones versus morals. Some people don’t care what bad choices other consenting adults make. Some people don’t like the shady side of porn, but can’t deny that it turns them on, so they assuage their guilt by looking at softer-core porn. And some people just hate everything about it.
Jeez, I think I just talked myself out of liking porn.
Lying about it and hiding it is absolutely the WORST way to handle the situation.
I agree with several others here, you should offer to share it with her, and encourage her to share her secret fantasies with you then try to find something that suits her tastes, as well as your own, then she will discover that the industry is not all about the misogynistic exploitation of women, but rather, that it CAN be very liberating for all person’s involved.
“Now I was the girlfriend who said no porn in the relationship (and during that time we both relapsed once and felt ever so guilty about it). I was feeling pressured, not so much by him, but kind of by society and myself to be a major sex kitten and I was afraid I wasn’t sexual enough (though I really am).”
There is so much pressure from people to watch porn. It’s everywhere. I’ve watched some of it years ago, and I know what it does to people and I personally don’t condone any…it’s hard to just say a little. To me, I think saying “a little” is safe is like playing with fire. But I’m glad you guys were able to work that out. 🙂
As for the rest…
I don’t watch it and the guy I’m with, he knows exactly how I feel–if he disrespects me by watching it, we’re done. He knew that before the relationship, and that commitment between us has only grown.
That being said, I am no prude in the bedroom (or elsewhere when we can sneak somewhere private). He gets as much as he wants as often as he wants and in a lot of different ways–unless I’m being a tease for a few hours. 😉 He knows he cans ask me to do just about anything and I’m willing because we mutually love and respect each other. I’m willing to give him his fantasy, sometimes even when I don’t understand the thrill. The only limitation is that we are monogamous. So our sex is both wild and at times also tender and loving. We don’t settle for one or the other, and because we invest in each other and not images, we have tangibly felt our intimacy grow between us rather than giving it to the image in our minds or on a tv or computer screen. He lusts after me, and I lust after him, and if something tempts us to lust elsewhere, we turn that emotion on each other instead *immediately*, so that we invest in us. I never say no to him unless I am physically ill, and vice versa. We recognize we each have needs and we want to satisfy the other so that no one and nothing else is needed.
And let me tell you–it is WOW!
My opinion, bottom line: You don’t need porn if you’re *living* your sex life. Whip. Spank. Dress up. Whatever–it’s fine as long as you trust and lust for each other. I started out a bit timid, but over time and investing in *us* sexually, I’m now a complete sex kitten for him, and he eats it up.
Healthy women have to feel 100% safe in their relationship to really let go. If they do, they’ll explode sexually. (Pun intended, LOL)…
Eh. Both my man and me are opposed to porn for moral reasons… ladies, it is demeaning. Men, it is demeaning. I’ve read on here that porn is comparable to just another sex toy, right? Last time I checked, the objectification of human beings is not cool.
I know that the majority of people in porn are willing participants, but I’ve never viewed sex as something that should be marketable, just something that should be intimate. Our bodies are temples, not cheap hotels.
I am a woman (and I’m saying this because apparently it matters). When I first met my boyfriend I introduced him to porn. I had to watch porn to orgasm and never went with out it. Porn totally skewed my actual sexual relationship and made me go straight to hard core spanking/rape fantasies. Not that there’s a problem with a good ole’ rape fantasy, it’s just that we’d never really had good sex. He’s pound into me, spank me, say a few sexually degrading slurs, come and then we were done.
In the end he taught me to slow the hell down. We hardly ever use dominant fantasies, just every once in a while. I’ve kicked porn to the curb and masturbation is much more about me and enjoying myself rather than “getting it over with, blowing off steam etc.” it’s a nice healthy way to take a break and keep my self entertained.
Now I was the girlfriend who said no porn in the relationship (and during that time we both relapsed once and felt ever so guilty about it). I was feeling pressured, not so much by him, but kind of by society and myself to be a major sex kitten and I was afraid I wasn’t sexual enough (though I really am).
Long story short we’re both insecure and we’ve both dropped the porn. But porn is not forbidden and I want to know about it. Just like I think it’s hilarious he’s been masturbating in the shower and he’s all shy and embarrassed and hides his face against my neck.
Any good moral story here? If you’re not fully accepted and loved in a relationship – it’s a deal breaker!
I went through a quasi-Second Wave feminst phase, where I really thought porn was “degrading and exploitive” towards women. (After previously enjoying it.) I had some issues at that point, but My Man still liked and enjoyed the porn occasionally.
I have since changed my ideas about porn, after doing research into the American Adult Film Industry, and realize in all but the worst situations, the women and men in the Sex Industry know what they are getting into and are not being exploited, they are making good money doing something they love. I feel differently about some foreigh porn (especially some of the Asian humilation porn, where the female modesl look about 13 years old, although they are said to be over 18, BLECH!) I now enjoy a great deal of erotica and porn and My Man and I enjoy it together and even on our own. (The stuff I like tends to be a little more hard core than the stuff we watch together. To each her own.)
The thing is, even when I wasn’t a fan of porn years ago, My Man was a grown man and I am not going to tell a grown man what he can and cannot do, unless it is dangerous or harmful to himself or our family. The stuff he watches is fairly vanilla (at least by my standards) and in like, I don’t tell him what to wear, what to eat, who he should or can hang out with, I don’t limit his activities with his buddies etc. We’re both grown adults and neither of us should be telling the other what to do in the other’s spare time. We have a romantic/equal partnership relationship, not a parent-child relationship.
IF the porn watching was an addictive behavior, meaning it is taking up hours a day, he simply cannot get sexually aroused without it, or it is taking the place of your sex life, or the amount of sex the two of you are having has reduced, then it is a problem and neeeds to be taken care of.
Occasional porn watching (what does that mean? For some it might be 15 minutes to a half hour a day, for others and hour once or twice a week, for others only very rarely.) is usually harmless and as long as it isn’t addictive and is LEGAL porn (no kiddie porn etc) or feeds unhealthy behavior, like, well, anything from picking up strangers, while you two are in a monogamous relationship to engaging in mastubation as his ONLY sexual activity, it is REALLY his business.
As for hiding it, I know when I went through my phase, he was hiding the stuff. He didn’t have a lot, but he die it more because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings more than save himself. I don’t think hiding it is the answer, if she DEMANDS he not view erotica or porn, and gives him an ultimatum, it may signify a problem that effects the entire relationship, and some counseling is in order. If his porn watching is within healthy parameters and she is still giving him ultimatums, SHE needs some help. If he is using porn additively or unhealthily, and it is taking the place of healthy sexual relations, other recreation, sleeping, eating bathing etc, then HE needs the help. Either way, it sounds like Couples Counseling is a important in this relationship.
I recognize that asking this question on your internet site might be unethical but I think my girl friend is cheating on me. U know, coming in home late from work, going outside with the girls every time. Washing Off the clothes as soon as she gets home. We don’t even have sex any longer Do you guys have any points as to how I could acquire the truth?
I am going to have to go with ignorance is bliss. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to know every detail in my mans life. I love the relationship I am in, and for the most part we work as a team, but there is a point where you must acknowledge that even though you are together you are still seperate human beings. You are both going to have your own seperate likes and dislikes. So, just because you are with someone does not mean you get to have a part in ruling every facet of thier lives. In the end you might be walking along side of each other, but you are still wearing your own shoes. My guy is into porn, I find it more funny then sexually stimulating. However I have noticed that the sex I share with my partner after he has had his fill of porn is beyond incredible. He might be watching porn to stimulate himself but I get to cash in the rewards. Looking at it like that has kept him happy and sexually content, and me totally satisfied. So thank you porn, thank you very much!