Wise Guys: What’s the Deal with Fake Boobs?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “So what’s the deal with fake boobs — are straight guys into them or not? Does it make a difference whether they’re just looking (e.g. porn, strip club, Hollywood star) vs. touching (e.g. a hook-up)? And does it make a difference whether the hook-up is casual or relationship material?”

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Here’s the thing about fake boobs. They work. It’s the same for gay guys. Just substitute silicone for steroids. I know plenty of guys who have gone from Plain Jane to Ripped Rita via syringe, and rollicked in all the dating perks that come with that.  It is lame, they look ridiculous, but it truly, truly works.  To be totally fair, though, the real equivalent would be penile implants, which are currently as effective as supergluing Play-doh around the member so it appears larger.  And let me tell you, if they ever perfect the art of penile enhancement every guy you know will have an eleven-inch penis.  Let me repeat:  Every.  Guy.  You.  Know.  At that point, glance waist level in a locker room and it would look like something Tarzan used to traverse the jungle. Which is why it amazes — and inspires — me that every woman doesn’t have humungous breasts.  You are the stronger sex.  Like I said, if men were in that position, this would be a nation of Pamela Mandersons. (Oh, and indulge a gay guy:  Why are “A-cup” boobs small and “D-cup” boobs big?  Shouldn’t it be the reverse?  As in, “Look at those grade A boobs!  She’s stacked.”  And flat girls are in danger of socially failing with a “D”?  I mean, this is classic grading on a curve, right?)

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): As a 25-year-old, I have basically grown up surrounded by breast implants, so they don’t tend to faze me. I can recall on more than one occasion pointing out a beautiful girl, and hearing an older guy say “But she has fake boobs,” and I’m like, “So what?” To me, fake boobs usually look better than their natural counterpart (which is not to say I haven’t seen horrendous, overdone and very strange looking fake breasts). But admittedly, much like artificially flavored food, no matter how close to the original they get, the real thing always tastes better. Saline boobs tend to feel like water balloons, which can take away from the heat of the moment. I’ve felt silicone ones that were so close to the real thing it didn’t matter, but at the end of the day a soft real breast is as sexy as it gets — and I think most men would agree. Besides, bigger isn’t always better. While I appreciate a large set of melons as much as the next guy, I also think small breasts can be very sexy. Another concern is if my future wife could breastfeed. (Didn’t China just recall baby formula because it contained Melamine? No thank you.) Ultimately, though, men love breasts — big, small, real, fake, we usually are just happy to see them, feel them, sleep on them. The decision to get implants should be the woman’s without any outside influence. Whatever you decide, like the bra you wear, we men will support you.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): There’s definitely a difference between looking and touching. The only time I’ve ever (knowingly) handled fake breasts they felt like the knees of a Shaq-sized newborn: velvety-soft but concealing a hard, round mass.  (That means they were cheap, right?)   I have never heard my straight male friends say anything negative about the sight of fake boobs (or about the individual woman for having a surgically enhanced bust, for that matter), but displeasure has been expressed with the feel of stony fakes.  Most men wouldn’t avoid a hook-up based on bust fakery, unless they’re reading into your personality through your bra.  It’s still a hook-up, right?  But as with anything else in the bedroom that can’t be changed through intimacy and patience alone, if it’s a turnoff for this theoretical guy, it might sink the relationship.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. *sigh* A couple of points of logic and fact.

    1) “Breastfeeding” does not make breasts sag. Pregnancy causes the loss of elastic tissue, as do genetics. A woman who chooses to feed her baby the artificial stuff my partner once referred to as “bong water in a can” (aka “formula”) and lets her breasts painfully involute too quickly is actually MORE likely to end up “floppy” than a woman who breastfed a mess of kids until they were all in preschool.

    2)The hard, nearly untouchable implanted breast one posted touched (I am guessing a lot more than ONE poster has run into one of these) is not a “cheap” one. This is the result of “encapsulation.” The body doesn’t like the invasion of the implant, and makes a scar tissue “capsule” around the breast. The breast then feels like a stone under skin. No telling who will encapsulate, but it is VERY common, most women who get implants will encapsulate eventually. The implant does not have to “rupture” at all, the immune system causes the encapsulation. It can and does occur in otherwise completely intact implants. And, it can hurt, a LOT. No cure for it. Some get relief when the implants are removed (especially if the surgeon removes the scar tissue also) but sometimes it stays.

    3) If a woman lies down, and her breasts stay at “attention” (Meaning they are still pointing up, firm, and look as though she is standing) chances are they are implants. REAL breasts obey gravity and fall to the side, as the woman lies down. Not many real women have cleavage while lying on their backs. Lying down cleavage is a good sign of “something” in the breast.

    4) Even if the implant ruptures, you can still breastfeed. Silicone is inert (it does NOT cause “autoimmune disease”) and saline simply absorbs into the body. Rarely, today is the nipple completely removed for an implant to be implanted. (although it used to be, as it was easier, and most plastic surgeons couldn’t give a rat’s patootie about breastfeeding OR female sexual response.) The “best” (healthiest?) implants are saline, which are inserted, (get ready) through the woman’s navel. (they are put in DEFLATED, pushed through the body into place and THEN The saline is pumped into the implant.) Yep, NO danger of damaging the nipple structure, (which when it works properly IS a part of sexual response) no weird scars, no removing the nipple, and if it is placed UNDER the chest muscle wall, all the better.

    As for saline being “floppy.” Yes, breasts are supposed to be soft…actually feeling a real one may let that poster know that….and after the age of 18 or so, most women have some variation of “floppiness” whether she has had a child or not. And, when a saline implant ruptures, nobody has to dig the stuff out of your chest wall, your abdominal wall, your neck, your back, your face, your arms and other various and sundry places….

  2. oops, i mean “i hope men don’t *hate* my implants when i get them”. lol. not *have* my implants.

  3. I am mid thirties female and have breasts that have a very ugly shape to them, so I am looking to get implants to change the tuberous shape. I don’t actually want to have bigger breasts, I like being small chested, but I so embarrassed when I undress in front of a guy, so after going back and forth in my mind for years over this I have made the decision to get them. So guys, what are your thoughts when you see women with oddly shaped breasts? and you can do a google image search for tubular or tuberous breasts to see what i’m talking about. I’ll probably only get a B+, I’m hoping to keep them on the small side because I have an athletic body. I hope men don’t have my implants when I get them, but I’ll just have to deal with that if that’s the case. Thank you for any feedback.

  4. Do what you feel is right, for you! If you, the woman, is not happy, then do what would make you happy. Someday, I’d like to get implants, a size or few sizes up once my boobs sag. Guys do not like saggy boobs, and women do not like saggy boobs.

  5. It’s a sad society….one guy above talks about women needing to fix their bodies if they are shaped like a “pear”. Um….hate to tell you this, but that IS the natural shape which would be the most favorable for women to bear children if we lived in our most natural state…and that IS what sex and attraction is all about. If there were no operations and no C-Sections and other ways that we have today to ensure safe childbearing, the surest way is by women being built like pears!! Back in the old days one of the reasons that full skirts with hoops and corsets and such came about was to make it seem like women…even the ones who had small hips had larger hips than what they did! Because men found it to be more risky to marry a woman with small hips or who didn’t have the right carriage to safely bear his children without dying. Look at the pics of old….paintings of women who in this day and age would be considered fat. They are women who would be considered the correct body type for safely having sex, and bearing the children which came of that sex back in that time. We live in a screwed up world filled with fake imagery based on trying to glue large fake breasts on a thin, body with mannish hips and all for the pleasure of men and being convinced we can’t attract one without them. The girls they call “curvy” today are STICK figures compared to what was considered normal and curvy in a more natural environment of past years. Marilyn Monroe would be fat in this day and age…ditto for Sofia Loren, Betty Grable and others like them. And yet they had more of what a natural figure with large breasts (and the body fat percentage to facilitate them would be.) People. Grow up! Boobs are not everything in this world, and women if your confidence relies on them, then YOU are messed up and need to re-evaluate what makes you who you are. Your sexuality and attractiveness does not come from a singular body part and whatever media, man, brainwashing or other has convinced you that it’s so…you need a reality check.

  6. I am astounded that no one has mentioned women who…horror of horrors…..hate their breasts and actually want to remove them. I have no use for mine at all. I get sick from looking at them, they’re awkward and if anyone attempts to grab them I will not hesitate to break that hand.

    YES, ladies and gentlemen, there are heterosexual, completely straight, man-loving women who NEVER WANTED the boobs! I burst into tears when I started getting mine and ever since then I’ve been eagerly awaiting the day I have enough money to get these annoying thing taken off.

    Then I can finally develop my pecs and feel comfortable! Hooray mindscrew! =D

    If there are men out there who like all kinds of boobs, then there has to be a few who wouldn’t give a damn if his wife didn’t have them! =D

  7. you know what im having implants put in next friday. guess what its not due to insecurities or a mans view. its because i gave birth to two children and nursed them both. and dont plan on having more anytime soon. when you go from a 32c to a 34d let me know cause once your done nursing the breast sag. so until your in this situation shut your mouth.

  8. I am so sick of guys saying that fake boobs are disgusting. I had A cup and I didn’t feel good about it because of course guys looked more to my girl friends who has C+ so I decided to have implants and now I have B+ cup and I am so happy, they don’t look fake or feel fake. I am very tall and A+ looked so weird for my frame, please think first then talk…I know A LOT of women who have done augmenatation only for going one more size….stop thinking of fake boobs as only porn. Why nobody says nothing about nose job? that’s worst…it is your face. If you love someone you couldn’t care…I am pro of going one or two more sizes up…not the huge fake ones….anyway just my opinion.

  9. I can’t believe how strange it is for me to read this. Society deems stick thin figures with round orbs that defy gravity as the IDEAL and yet it seems NO MEN like them!!!!!

    It must be us women who like them! Something is very wrong!

    And M I agree with your post. I hope I can instil a sense of self love and in my children so that they never feel the need to mutilate themselves to make themselves feel better.

  10. Oh yeah, people also think I am dumb because I have natural 36G breasts, so smaller busted women, don’t think you are the only ones that get picked on, it happens to us too. One of my friend’s parents said I should get a bust reduction because people wouldn’t hire me for a job because my breasts make me look dumb.

    Also, you are seen as easy, and I have no idea why.

    I have a MFA and have been with the same guy for ten years.

    It is like people judge you like you can increase or decrease your bust size at will. I’ve seen shows where people say “small breasts are in this year!” Well, I guess I’ll get some then! It isn’t like hair color or fashion, something that can be easily changed (ok there might be some surgery addicts out there who would debate me, still…).

    I mean, men who say “small busts are gross” or “big breasts aren’t good” aren’t looking at the woman under the bust in general. I’ve had strangers say “look at those huge knockers” like I am not even there. Many people point out to be how big they are, like I don’t know! Oh yes, I have big breasts, I’m so stupid, I don’t know they are there!

  11. I am a natural 36G and have thought about getting a breast reduction, so it is funny to read about women who want their bust bigger. I would like to point out I am a natural 36G on a normal sized body and yes, I did that Manswers quiz where I jump up and down to see if my bust is still perky. It is. I think it is because I work out and though my bust is large, it is also supported by a lot of muscle.

    I don’t get why women that are smaller want larger breasts. It is harder to move and do a lot of things with them. I advanced from a C cup to a G in college (heard your breasts don’t stop growing until you are 25, I guess so since I was the same weight in college I am now). Even with a C, it was hard to run track and do other things I wanted to do.

    I am sure fake breasts draw guys in. They are more the norm in Playboy magazine then natural breasts. It is sad that natural busts are now viewed as gross, like having even well trimmed public hair is gross. I grew up in the 70’s and appreciate older films that had more girl next door girls in them. Not ones that are overly tan, overly small, with fake busts, no pubic hair and siliconned lips. For one, the look is so over the place, it becomes boring. There is no variety. And I feel bad because a lot of young women I know think modeling for Playboy would be this ultimate dream. Note, I do live in Southern Cali.

    I just wish American society would teach girls to work on their character first and their looks second. Then they would know they can get a man without having to get surgery done. I mean, some surgery is acceptable, like if a woman had kids and her breasts went from big to small and now there is loose skin or if someone, like me, was born with G cup breasts and get sick of the back pain and trying super hard to find bras that fit and sigh when those bras are $80-$120 a piece.

    Overall, you should be happy with yourself. It’s too much of a consumer playground in this country. Money that is being used for vanity could be donated to charities, where people need help.

    Asked the BF and he said he doesn’t like fake breasts at all. He says there is something unnatural about the nipple being in the middle and women having no cleavage even in push up bras. I forgot about that. I’ve seen large breasted women with no cleavage. That is very weird.
    He does also point out to me how he doesn’t like racing stripes as pubic hair too. Maybe he’s one of he odd ones, but I think men prefer natural to fake overall. It may not be perfection yet it feels better and bounces. I guess men like breasts that bounce. Fake breast tend to stay still and at attention!

  12. I think it’s very important to be comphortable with yourself, and be involved with a partner who likes you JUST AS YOU AR, ad if that still doesn’t satisfy you, learn from other’s mistakes (thank goodness for blogs like these), and weigh the pros and cons in referrance to the “long run”…

    I am thankful for my 42 DD’S my mother gave, however they do get in the way @ times when shopping. A lot of clothes are made smaller in the bust area, so I have to go with a larger size to accomodate the girlz, as I consider them sometimes.

    The moral of my boob commentation on this topic is this: BE HAPPY WITH WHATEVER THE HIGHER BEING HAS BESTOWED UPON YOU! Natural will never fail you, and if your man has a problem with a lil saggin after some years of being together, it’s just that: HIS PROBLEM. Naturaly large tits, are HEAVY! And the law of gravity applies.I LOVE MINE, AND I THINK THEY LOOK GREAT.

    P.S. Men on Nipple rings… Tell me what you think about them on a woman.

  13. Natural is better, fake boobs feel weird, Being an assman I don’t care about the boob size anyways, but It’s a turn off if they have fake boobs.

  14. I am a 100% straight guy who is 48 years old and I guess I am sort of different from what is considered the “norm” in that I personally look at plastic surgery used to simply “enhance” looks as mutilation of something already divine.

    Now don’t get me wrong – if someone has been injured or disfigured due to an accident or illness such as cancer then reconstructive plastic surgery is justified to restore some semblance of what the person was before.

    I have 2 daughters and if I ever hear any man that they are involved with try to talk them into inserting plastic bags of silicone goo or salt water into their chests (or any other body part) just so that they will look more like some Madison Avenue fantasy I will personally see to it that that man won’t have any need for such thoughts ever again.

    We as parents need to impress to our children both male and female NOT to buy into the self loathing “I’m/You’re not good enough unless I/you look like________”(insert name of useless celebrity or fad into blank) but to both accept both themselves and their partners as they were created physically, and to use the character and personality that are independent of physical looks as the measure of who to spend their lives with.

    I personally would love to see all non-reconstructive, non-medically justified “cosmetic/vanity” plastic surgery outlawed as a form of mutilation just the same as female circumcision is outlawed and those who perform the mutilations prosecuted for crimes against humanity because to tell our children or those we claim to love that they are not good enough because of how they look is one of the vilest forms of emotional abuse ever perpetrated and any one who does this or supports those who do needs to be locked up UNDER the prison.

  15. I have breast implants. I had small breasts, which were basically nipples with a little bit of breast tissue and they were not close to being small, round and perky kinds. They were porportioned the same, but kind of to the side a bit. The nipples were a bit low, so not much below the nipples, which I hated. I wanted nipples in the center or a bit higher so they were perky. Add a swimsuit and they disappeared completely. I am 5’8″ tall, had a great figure everywhere else, but just felt so unfeminine, no one could convince me otherwise. I never felt sexy or womanly at all. Thought everyone judged me because of my boobs. Silly, I know. Parents did a real number on my self esteem as a preteen, telling me that having bigger boobs didn’t matter. How the hell did they even know if I would get bigger or not? I was just developing at the time! So, not a good start. Once I heard about implants, I researched it for years, because I wanted to be safe and to look natural and feel sexy. Looked for the best surgeons, read articles, talked to women who had the surgery, looked at their boobs and yes, touched them because they said I could. Then I heard about women having health problems because of them and also the encapsulation problems that cause the hardening problems. So, after 18 hard, earnest yrs. of researching implants, once I heard about the health problems and law suits, I threw everything in the garbage and decided to give up on the idea. Then I looked at myself in the mirror again and hated feeling like a little girl. My boobs did not match my body! Did my husband dislike my boobs? No! He was happy to be feeling boobs of any kind, he said. Thankful to have boobs to touch any time! But, being the wonderful guy he is, he said that whatever made me happy would be fine with him. Soooo…..after I had a friend and a sister have implant surgery done by the same doctor and they were happy, I thought their boobs looked great, felt great & I waited TWO yrs. more to be sure their boobs didn’t change, I went to the same doctor to have my surgery. I chose silicone ones that were of a new variety that were NOT supposed to get hard. Saline implants were more likely to get hard and they also sloshed around a bit. I didn’t really want silicone implants, but at that time, it seemed to be the wisest choice. And, that’s what my friend and sister had. Okay, I told my doctor I only wanted C cups, because I wanted to look very normal and was okay with not having the kind that men really stare at. I just wanted to look and feel normal. Average sized. Well, he gave me D cups because I was overweight and he felt that size was more porportionate for my body. I was VERY unhappy with that choice! He also set the implants up higher on my breast, because he said that most women are looking for larger cleavage. We discussed what I wanted a bit, but apparently not enough, because I wanted fullness on the bottom so my nipples would be more centered than they were. Now my nipples were even lower on my breasts. They look okay from the front, but from the side view, I look like Snoopy with my nipples sliding down my breasts a bit. My breasts don’t look fake, but they sure feel fake. And, YES, ladies and gentlemen, my boobs got hard as rocks after about 2 yrs. or less. Sometimes they soften up a bit, sometimes they feel as hard as baseballs. Do I even want my husband to touch them? NO! And, something NO one mentions, I have NO feelings in them at all, except for the very tops and a bit on the sides. My nipples do not contract when cold or during sex. I have no feelings in my nipples at all. I miss that feeling so much! When my husband wants to suck on them, which I LOVED before, it’s like he’s sucking on my elbow to me. No feeling. No fun for either of us. So now, we just avoid my breasts completely. The hardness can be very painful, too. My doctor says that once the hardness comes, they usually stay hard. I don’t know why mine soften sometimes, but never very much. When I hug people closely and they are hard, I am afraid they can feel those hard balls in my chest. The ONLY thing good that came out of this is that I do feel sexier in my clothes and swimsuit. I do feel more confident and somehow more powerful. But, would I do it again? NO! I hate the hardness, I miss my soft breasts and so does my dear husband and I hate the lack of sensation in them when we make love. I wish my parents had never made me feel that I was not going to be womanly enough if I didn’t have bigger breasts. Body image is key & I’ve seen flat or small breasted women who are sexy as hell and act sexy as hell. I wish I had left well enough alone. Turns out my husband LOVED my real boobs, but he knew I didn’t, so he wanted me to be happy. I wish I had known how much he loved me just the way I was. Not sure I would have listened to him, but men, if you love your woman the way she is, TELL HER LOUD & CLEAR! I had the surgery done in 1991 and now I’m in my mid 50’s and afraid what they will look like if I take them out. Soft, real breasts are best. Teach your children to be confident with the way they are, and fathers, make your daughters feel good about themselves.

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