Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why didn’t he call when he said he would?
Straight Married Guy (Matt): There’s a simple answer to this one: it doesn’t matter. Most women I know get very worked up over this, and it never helps anything. It could be one of ten thousand possible reasons, and there is no chance that sitting and discussing it with your friends ad infinitum or stressing about it is going to help anything. It might just be some reason that has nothing to do with you (family problem, work problem, some other unrelated problem), or hey, maybe he likes you and he scared off the last woman he liked, so he’s forcing himself to pull back a little — or maybe your worst fear is true, and he isn’t actually into you. You won’t figure any of this out by sitting there and worrying about it or analyzing every tidbit of your last conversation or email exchange looking for clues, so what’s the point? My advice is to do everything possible not to obsess over the guy’s delay in calling. Distract yourself with whatever you can, even a date or flirtation with someone else if that’s what it takes. And if he never calls back, fuck him. At least you can feel good about not having wasted all that time sitting by your phone.
Straight Single Guy (Colin): Let’s be optimistic for a moment. Maybe he was debating how long he should wait to call so that he wouldn’t seem desperate. But now he’s waited too long and feels silly calling so long after the fact. Okay now let’s be realistic. Most likely this guy fell into the trap we all do sometimes, saying what we think we should say instead of what we actually think. Maybe the sparks weren’t there and he didn’t have the heart to tell you. Try to get in touch with him if you can. But if he’s still flakey, give him a quick kick to the curb and move on.
Gay Committed Guy (Terence): While tempted to say, “He’s just not that…” I think not calling is more likely because the alcohol has worn off and/or another woman is already on the side. When a guy wants to get laid, and let’s face it, if he’s asking for your number, then he’s that kind of into you, the first question running through his head after getting your number is why didn’t we just go home then? Calling sets up a whole ‘nother time-consuming process that sometimes just doesn’t seem worth it. Personally, I think not calling takes real balls — not the good ones. Either you’re an over-confident prick, or you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re over-confident thinking you can get someone better (easier), or you know you may get a little somethin’ started and then have to emergency bail out of the situation. Solution: always, always take his number even though it’s just as shitty to wait around for him to return your calls.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.
I have boyfriend who went on a business trip to Vegas two days ago. He said he would call while he was there. I haven’t heard from him at all. He has had a bad habit of not calling when he says he will or not calling at all. I questioned him about this behavior 4 days ago and he became irate and said the not calling and not calling when he says he will meant nothing. I tried to explain to him how this hurts me and still was told that he would not always call me when he says he will and that sometimes he might not call at all and made me feel as though there was something wrong with me wanting this. What the hell is going on with him?
I’m with Terence on this one. I met a guy in a bar four days ago and he asked for my number, and after talking a while, he kissed me and asked me to go to his house for coffee. I said no, but I’d love for him to call me (which he promised to do), and I went home.
He hasn’t called me, and I don’t have his number. I’m starting to think he only wanted a one night stand, and he only asked for my number so I’d think he liked me, making it easier to get me into bed that night.
Unfortunately for him, I’m not that kind of girl. It’s a shame though, he seemed lovely.
What I’m most irritated at though, is that it’s made me second guess myself all weekend. Am I not pretty/thin/smart enough?
Stupid way to think, really. I’m an intelligent, attractive 25 year old woman. I’m kind of ashamed I let some man make me check my phone every 10 minutes, and feel bad about myself for days.
*slaps own wrist*
I did an experiment, this isn’t just Guys , its People in general. I got fed up of calling people and inviting them , so I decided three strikes and your out of the game´. I stopped calling , and now 3 years nearly i still haven’t had a call back.
I think i’m having a panic attack too lol
I went on a date with a guy. He was completely cool. Wasn’t sleazy, didn’t let me pay for anything, looked at my eyes when talking and not my “assets” and was nice.
After that he told me he would txt me (which he did). Then said he would call the next day and didn’t. Apologised for it and said he would call the next day after, and once again didn’t. Didn’t hear from him at all that day. He txt me today and said he’ll call tomorrow. I don’t believe him and honestly don’t know how to act. If i should just say, “listen, i’m not up for games.” or play it cool and be like, “sure you will.” or ignore his txt…he said he wants to see me thurs but i don’t trust his words now! I liked the guy on the date so i don’t wsnt to say anything too drastic but man it is a pain in the ass!!!!!!!!
hey!!
i think i’m having a panic attack too… i met this guy i really liked on saturday, i will never forget the way his eyes were shining the moment he saw me, we talked the whole night and it was amazing! My very best friend (btw he is a really cool guy who has a lot of experience dating women) said he never have seen two people who had just met act like that before and being so comfortable and happy with each other and that he could tell that this guy was really in to me. He asked me to go to the movies and i said we could go on Friday, but later that night, exactly one hour after we said goodbye, he called me and said that he tought that waiting till friday would be a long wait, that he wanted to see me sooner. So then i told him it could be on Thursday, and he laughed and sounded very happy, so he said he would call me on monday night to confirm… and he did not call!! I am so sad.. i mean, i really like him, why should i do? I know for a fact that he does not have a girlfriend. Could anyone help please? btw, sorry for my bad english, it is not my native language 🙂
Elle… you sound like you’re having a panic attack. Settle down, ok?
He texted you on Saturday after you left and said he wanted to do it again sometime. And you’re taking that as a BAD sign? From that you get, “men suck, he’s playing games, I might have to quit my job”?
You’re getting hysterical. That’s EXACTLY one of the things that drives cool guys away. If you act crazy like this after spending one night at his house, I’m afraid it’s HIM who made the mistake, not you. You want him to be happy about what went down… not kicking himself in the ass for shitting where he eats.
I love the advice in this column, especially the encouragement to distract yourself and focus on your positives rather than what you might have done wrong to cause him not to call.
I’ve really been into this guy I work with for several months – really into him. He finally asked me to go for drinks after work last Friday. I had a great time, I didn’t want the night to end. We ended up staying together for the night. Saturday, nothing. I got one text shortly after we parted saying we’d do that again soon, but nothing else for the whole day. I’m discouraged, humiliated, hating myself for liking someone at all for the first time in years. Men suck. Why the games? It’s not easy braving the reality of who you are and not being fake about it. It’s much easier to put on airs in order to protect yourself from douchebags. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t quit my job. I’m just going to have to live with it and pretend I’m not hurt? I hate following my heart – it just can’t be trusted. You guys have stupid rules about women. Well, the jokes on you because we’re pretty freaking awesome and deserve the benefit of a doubt rather than letting you all play with our self esteem.
well i dnt kno about that this guy is my boyfriend and he told me when he comes from his cousins that he was going to call but he didnt an still not anwering his phone so what do i do?
Hi There,
I met a guy and went out to couple of dates with him. It seemed to be going slow and nice. on the last date He told me his father has been sick… after that we could not meet since he told me his dad was in the hospital. I was worried and text him if he was ok, and how his dad was. he replied that he is better now and he’ll be able to chat once hi stabylizez more… since that I haven’t heard from him for 2 weeks. I am not going to call since we are not even in a relationship yet and i understand he needs time. on the other hand some friends of mine told me he might be pretending on that and he made it all up… I am kind of confuesed, I f i would know he is not really interested I’ll be just fine, but not knowing what exactly is going on makes me think about it. Do you guys have sone advice??
I had a thing for this guy that I met over a year ago but I never brought it to his attention and I just let it go. A few weeks ago, he messaged me on facebook and we flirted back and forth and he initiated the exchange of phone numbers and suggested that I let him know the next time I go out so we could meet up. After a few days I ended up texting him and he texted back. I did this again three more times and the final time I suggested we hang out some time soon and said cool whenever his schedule clears up. This was over a week ago….what is the deal? He never calls and he only responds to my texts. I’m not sure what to do or how to take this….
Summer, sounds bit like my guy, I wasted 7 years with him thinking we will get married, he left, I am almost 40 years old, now I have no one, I do want a baby my time is running out, my advise to you is you must know what you want your relationship is still fresh, but my advise to you is ask him flat out what he wants from the relationship, if both of you are on the same page and he likes you as much as you like him, I think there is something, but if you (feel) know your being played and you don’t want that, then move on you are better then that (your to good for him) find someone who will appreciate you and feel the same way about you as you do about them, GOOD LUCK, only you know what is right for you.
I was dating my boyfriend for 7 years, we went ring shopping, picked out a ring, he took it on payments, I never got the ring, last year around christmas time we got into a big argument he left, haven’t seen him since, but he always called time to time, its been 3 weeks now that he hasn’t called, which is unusual, I cried a lot, but realized now that I must forget about him and move on, I don’t understand why he did that to me, hurt me so much, when we where together he always said he wants to marry me and have a family, WHY?
The guys will probably know the answer to this, but if it were me, and I really liked him (in the short time you spent together) then I suppose it couldn’t hurt to say, “I’m going to X bar on X night with some friends, maybe I’ll see you there?”
ok, so I’m SO confused. I met this guy last Friday. We were chatting at a bar and then we separated into the groups we came with. Before he left he came to find me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink sometime, so I gave him my number. He then texted me the following afternoon saying ‘really nice chatting to you. Fancy a glass of wine next week?xx’ It also had a bit of a joke in it about something we’d been chatting about so it had a personal feel about it. I was in a bit of a rush so replied that evening saying ‘Nice chatting to you too. I had a fun night. Sure, drink sounds good.x’ It’s now nearly Friday and not a whisper from him…. is this normal? I just don’t get it…Does anyone know why he wouldn’t get back in touch?
met a guy w/friends at a bar..hung out all night…def. attraction/number exchange..askd for 2nd date…called the next day 3x. called 4 days later…said he’d call over the weekend…never did. waited 1 week, left message to have a good weekend..he called right back telling me he didn’t call during the week b/c he though i had company. says he’ll call “tomorrow” never did…thought? has a gf? (even though said does not)…so why keep calling me back??