Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why didn’t he call when he said he would?
Straight Married Guy (Matt): There’s a simple answer to this one: it doesn’t matter. Most women I know get very worked up over this, and it never helps anything. It could be one of ten thousand possible reasons, and there is no chance that sitting and discussing it with your friends ad infinitum or stressing about it is going to help anything. It might just be some reason that has nothing to do with you (family problem, work problem, some other unrelated problem), or hey, maybe he likes you and he scared off the last woman he liked, so he’s forcing himself to pull back a little — or maybe your worst fear is true, and he isn’t actually into you. You won’t figure any of this out by sitting there and worrying about it or analyzing every tidbit of your last conversation or email exchange looking for clues, so what’s the point? My advice is to do everything possible not to obsess over the guy’s delay in calling. Distract yourself with whatever you can, even a date or flirtation with someone else if that’s what it takes. And if he never calls back, fuck him. At least you can feel good about not having wasted all that time sitting by your phone.
Straight Single Guy (Colin): Let’s be optimistic for a moment. Maybe he was debating how long he should wait to call so that he wouldn’t seem desperate. But now he’s waited too long and feels silly calling so long after the fact. Okay now let’s be realistic. Most likely this guy fell into the trap we all do sometimes, saying what we think we should say instead of what we actually think. Maybe the sparks weren’t there and he didn’t have the heart to tell you. Try to get in touch with him if you can. But if he’s still flakey, give him a quick kick to the curb and move on.
Gay Committed Guy (Terence): While tempted to say, “He’s just not that…” I think not calling is more likely because the alcohol has worn off and/or another woman is already on the side. When a guy wants to get laid, and let’s face it, if he’s asking for your number, then he’s that kind of into you, the first question running through his head after getting your number is why didn’t we just go home then? Calling sets up a whole ‘nother time-consuming process that sometimes just doesn’t seem worth it. Personally, I think not calling takes real balls — not the good ones. Either you’re an over-confident prick, or you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re over-confident thinking you can get someone better (easier), or you know you may get a little somethin’ started and then have to emergency bail out of the situation. Solution: always, always take his number even though it’s just as shitty to wait around for him to return your calls.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.
^ Men and women are equally complicated creatures, but if you want a “real man,” then yes, playing the reciprocal of that role, i.e. a “real lady,” is your best bet.
But maybe you don’t really want an equal partner, although we’ve all been trained to say that we do. Plenty of people are comfortable in a leader’s role, and plenty of people are content to follow. A leader and a follower make an ideal couple, as un-PC as that sounds (I, personally, am completely comfortable with that). Two leaders are a terrible combo. Like Oscar says in The Office, “what ship has two captains? What kitchen has two chefs? What country has two presidents?” And two followers get nothing done.
Gender comes into play as a problem when the woman is a leader type. Not because men have a problem with that – heavens no. TONS of men are comfortable under the direction of a leaderly woman, who dictates their every move just like their moms used to. The problem is that leaderly women don’t respect follower men.
So typically one of two things will happen. Either the female leaders seek out male leaders, but things fail because neither can ever defer to the other; or the female leader will guide a male follower into a relationship, but will eventually get frustrated with his big baby ass and dump him.
Male leaders, on the other hand, are perfectly comfortable with female followers. Male followers are also comfortable with female leaders. So that’s easy.
If i’m not interested he’s going to try harder and send texts ect. If I’m interested he walks away…Men said women are complicated. LOL! I am pretty good looking plus I’m not brainless and I don’t take that as something that makes me better than other people. Where are some real men that are looking for an equal partner?? Or I just didn’t meet the right one yet? Or are men looking for a submissive woman and I’m living in a complete illusion?
Men, if you start the ball rolling by saying you’re going to call, then why not just do it?! Or please- don’t start the ball rolling, thinking that it’s what we want to hear. It isn’t, and you only look and sound worse when you don’t follow through. There is nothing more attractive than a man who does what he says he’s going to do- And nothing less attractive than a man who does not.
Call the dude yourself.
^Oh please, with the “I’m alone because I’m TOO pretty.”
Doesn’t work like that. That’s not the reason you’re alone. It never is. You’re just taking comfort in grandiose ego trips.
I totally agree with Tired of Men. I’m in the same boat. I’m NOT trying to toot my own horn, but I too am definitely above average beautiful, inside and out and do not chase guys either. I’m told by men and women that men are intimated by me -my beauty, charm, etc. I will not go after guys but this one guy hasn’t called and so I’ve pulled back. If he’s gonna show me he’s not that into me by not calling when he says he will, then fine, I’m not gonna waste my energy on him. no, sir.
Unfortunately, this behavior has become an epidemic. Stick to your guns tired of men, if you hold out for the best you will get it.
Since I have been single for the past 4 years, the men will approach me, I may or may not show interest. If I decide to give him my # the men will call once or so then say they will call but don’t. They sit back and wait for me to call them. I have been told after not calling them for months, ” I haven’t heard from you.” My response, the last time I checked you have my #. These men her in Charlotte, NC act like they are a king on a thrown. I have news for them, I never chase after a man. I am way too beautiful and I do mean beautiful inside and out to chase a man! I’m not agressive at all. If you don’t show interest in me like you did to get my # then I will back off. I’m really tired of men stupid childlike games. I can be by myself and be okay with it. My friend once told me men are intemidated by me because I a pretty and smart and won’t be controlled.
Sincerely,
Tired of men (black men especially).
@ Johnny..I admit that women love to talk to their guys on the phone. but my question is if you don’t like talking on the phone or its not your obligation to, why tell her that your gonna call every time and then don’t? JUST DON’T TELL HER YOUR GONNA CALL BECA– USE YOU ONLY DISAPPOINT HER WHEN YOU GIVE HER EXPECTATION
Some guys – especially guys who don’t like the phone – just resent the expectation. We don’t feel we should have to check in like that.
To us that feels like, “ok, here’s my obligatory phone call. The one you made me promise to make. Not that I have anything to say.”
Women hate this because they want us to want to call. They wish we’d WANT to pick up the phone and gush about our day and how much we miss each other, just like they might with one of their girl friends.
But I, for one, am just not like that. I too get irate when beholden to call-appointments. I’ll call when I’m feeling it. Or, if you want to talk, you could, you know… call me. Instead of tearfully enforcing demands that I call you.
I met a guy. Were in our teens. He’s foreign. I like him a lot. BefOre he left for his far away home, he asked for my email and full name. I gave it. The next 3 days he mailed. He said he was sO excited to mail me. He would of done it sooner but he couldnt check his mail for time dif. He was sleeping for 3 days. So we mailed a lot everyday. He was really sweet. Then 2 weeks ago he suddenly stopped mailing me. It was so sudden. I saw him online on skype but he didn’t talk to me. I finally said hi what’s up and he went offline. Then I went invisible then he came back online 5 mins later then I went back online 5 mins later then nothing happend. If he was online why didn’t he check his email. 2 weeks no reply? He told me he wanted to skype with me and he thinks I’m pretty and I need to make a Facebook in previous emails. Now it’s all so sudden.
PLEASE, I really need help on this one. I’m so confused and I really like him.
I am PISSED. Da guy said he will call everytym we pass by in uni campus (we pass by every couple of weeks). Somehw we hit it off wen we wer both in dis uni society thing, n i guess i played a little hard to get, but he backed off immediately, so it seemed.
Now he says he wud call but never does. Its been a couple of months nw, somehw even thou ppl tell me 2 move on i still feel hurt at him. I am so pissed i wiss i cud pour it out 2 him, but dat of course wud make me look stupid and needy. He is by da way a quite shy guy, good looking, smart, but slightly bashful. Otherwise very social. Wat cud be da reason 4 him not callin bak? I wish i knew 🙁
Mikey,
Well, it did seem a little angry and bitter, but hey, I would rather know the truth of someone’s behavior than just keep kidding myself. You are right, I believe he is a Narcisist and I have been unhappy in this relationship for a long time. He just isn’t good enough and I deserve better. Sometimes, we need to hear the horrible truth about someone from someone else that has an objective viewpoint to cement it in our heads. I am ready to move on from this situation and kick his ass to the curb! Thanks for your honesty, Mikey!
Wow – I totally came off angry and bitter up there. sorry about that. Im just guessing and really, what do I know? Why dont you just go “old skool” on him and withold sex and BJ’s for at least a good month, maybe flirt with some of his friends or coworkers to get some good old fashioned revenge/rules of engagement established? Works every time.
uh, news flash…He’s not that into you. Or this “relationship” for that matter. He is probably only into him, what he wants, needs, feels like, etc. Hmmmmmmm? He was out there in Vegas “doing him” or “doing his thing” as they say. He slept with someone, and if he somehow didnt actually sleep with someone, he damn sure tried his little butt off to do so and just couldnt close the deal. When he doesnt call from Vegas, IT IS ALWAYS A BAD SIGN. When he gets irrate with you for wanting to talk about it what he is actually telling you is – “hey, back-off…I did’nt call because I dont really have to. You wont leave me. I know it, you know it, and your mom/girlfriends know it. You dont command that kind of respect from me, and Im going to just go ahead and conveniently use this opportunity to set myself up to do the same thing again next time – thanks”. I know your mind will resist this explanation and your heart wont want to believe it. But down the road, when his future behavior validates every aspect of what I am saying and he eventually leaves you, try to look at it as a gift of freedom and ‘singlehood’ rather than a ‘breakup’. He’s a Narcisist and relationships with narcisists always suck 🙁