Your Call: How Can I Talk Dirty?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have a younger lover and am trying to keep up with his more liberal sex choices, one of them being that he likes to hear “dirty talk.” I took a test and it said that I am a more conventional type that likes touch and tactile stimulation, but he says he can only get off with conversation. I tried but he just laughed at my attempts. What’s a girl to do?

— Tongue Tied

What should TT do?
Let ’em know in the comments below!


  1. I don’t think he laughs because he is a douche.I think he senses how uncomfortable “dirty talk” makes you, so he might just be trying to break the tension. Therefore, have a laugh yourself, be playful while attempting the dirty talk.

    These are my dirty talk tips:

    1) Tone of voice is very important. It may sound dumb, but having a breathy and soft tone helps when saying the dirty words. If you say it in your typical voice, instead of a horny voice, then it kind of takes away the magic.

    2) You don’t have to get descriptive. The fun is in the tease! You can say : ” I can’t wait to have you inside me”, or ” Mmmh I love it when you do ____” or if he is into something more kinky you can say,
    “I have been very bad girl today, what are you gonna do about it”. All this is subtle but it gets the message across and it does not make you feel too uncomfortable.

    3) A little moan and a look of desire doesn’t hurt when you dirty talk. In other words, body language is what sells your dirty talk. If you look awkward or uncertain, he will think you don’t mean it.

    Overall, have fun! I think is great when couples try new things and not take things to serious : )

  2. *I have always used “cum” to differentiate from the verb… but I just checked with Merriam-Webster online and they use “come” as a noun. I’ll never use “cum” again.

  3. Anyone (younger/older/same age) who laughs at your efforts to please them is King (or Queen) of the Douchebags. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

    I love hearing dirty talk during sex (and you’d be surprised at how many guys who say they want a dirty talker can’t manage to quid pro quo). But unlike your “Ashton,” I’ll take whatever comes out, it’s more the sensation than the words that’s a turn on for me.

    One guy who was totally inept at dirty talk compensated for it with compliments: “You have beautiful breasts,” “I love the way you cum,” “It feels so good to be inside you…” nothing particularly dirty — all of it totally sexy in the moment.

    Next time, just say what you’re feeling, compliment his body, let him know what feels good — moans, groans, grunts (yes, grunts) and sighs are also in the realm of “dirty” talk. But *do not* do this with the mo-fo. You dumped him already, remember? 😉 Do it with someone who appreciates you.

  4. He can ONLY get off with dirty talk? It sounds like certain life experiences produced that result, not just that he’s younger. Reminds me of how people are drawn to S&M. I’d say he’s more compatible with someone more like-minded. Maybe you could train yourself to like it, or maybe you’d just be forcing it.

  5. Maybe you should try asking him to initiate the dialouge and then you can just respond and follow his lead. Once you figure out exactly what it is that gets him going, it will be easier to come up with some responses of your own.

    Also, maybe just start with some really generic statements. “Do you like that?” “I love when you (blank).” If you start really slow then maybe you won’t feel self concious about it and you can build up to more racy comments.

    Last but not least, maybe try some dirty texting when you are apart. It will allow you to formulate exactly what you want to say but you won’t have to do it right of the top of your head. It’s a no pressure way to learn the lingo so to speak. Doing the sexting thing turned me into a pretty effective dirty talker. Just try to make it happen but don’t ever let him be a jerk to you if it just never works. Good luck!

  6. Give it a try. Great sex often is noisey and even “dirty.” But if he continues to laugh at your honest attemts, walk. Sex and love making about enjoying each other, not ridicule.

  7. I agree with Dannie, dump the douche. You have been good, giving, and game(or GGG, as Dan Savage would say) by trying to talk dirty to satisfy his fetish that you’re not even interested in. And he just laughed? That is disrespectful and just plain mean. If nothing else, he could coach you and tell you words or phrases that he find particularly hot to help you out.

    I think dirty talk can be really fun and satisfying, but not if your partner is criticizing your words. I don’t think he’s worth it, but I recommend working on it with someone else because it can be fun.

  8. Dump him. Anyone who wants your honest effort in the bedroom will not laugh at your earnest attempts, but rather give more helpful and encouraging communication.

    Having said that, and with the feeling that you’re not going to want to dump him, try starting with basic, honest verbalization. If something feels good, say so. If you like that, say you like it. You have a thought pop into your head? Let it out. You don’t have to have an x-rated vocabulary to talk dirty, and chances are if it’s the conversation that gets him off, he really just likes hearing about what’s going on over and over again. Keeps him fit; keeps him focused, that sort of thing.

    Em and Lo have a great top ten for talking dirty, actually, and I think it’s top notch. The main thing is: start with what you’re comfortable–or whatever makes you the least uncomfortable–and go from there. You may never talk like a porn star, but you can certainly drive your man wild in your way.

    Also having said that, is he doing anything for -you- in this relationship? Or are you the one doing all of the adjusting? Remember: you have a right to pleasure in the bedroom too, and while wanting to give your partner the best experience is a wonderful thing, keep this in mind: It’s mostly wonderful because, after all, don’t we want all to experience good stuff?

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