Your Call: How Do I Know If He’s the One?

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!


Dear Em & Lo,

I want to be in a long-term relationship, but I don’t know if I’m choosing the right man. Is it true that if we can live without someone, then we don’t love them?

— Put a Ring On It?

What words of wisdom do you have for P.A.R.O.I. about knowing when someone is “The One”? Leave your advice in the comments section below.



  1. I believe a requirement to love is knowing that you absolutely can live without them, but that you CHOOSE not to. Love is a partnership that doesn’t only fill the gaps that you may have, but adds to who you are and who you aspire to be. Does he make you feel like you want to be better? Does he treat you with respect? Do you both deal with conflict well? You’re a strong, smart lady and I’m sure your partner can see that. And if he doesn’t, then make him see it. Nobody here can answer if you should get engaged to the man (or woman in this day and age). What’s in your gut? No man or woman is perfect, so don’t get too caught up in searching for the “perfect one.” If you can recognize you have a great partner who chooses to look past your flaws and work constantly on the relationship, then don’t take him or her for granted. And maybe have this conversation with them to express your fears. If they understand and can help you work through it, then you’ve got somebody pretty special. Best of luck to you.

  2. He is “the one” when you enjoy each others company even if their is no conversation…it feels right. You enjoy having a spiritual relationship together. A healthy sex life is always good. He takes an interest in my life. “The one” lets me be myself when we are alone together (or in public for that matter, as long as it’s appropriate). “The one” is loyal and faithful.

  3. You know he’s “the one” when:
    – You miss having him beside you when you’re vegging out to TV. This means he’s been beside you when you watch tv (not just on exciting dates and planned activities) and that he’s awesome enough that you want him around all the time.
    – You know that you can live with his flaws. You aren’t expecting him to change anything because you know good & bad come with everyone, and his flaws are something you can laugh about, love anyway etc.
    – You don’t have to remind yourself to kiss & hug him hello and goodbye. You do it out of real love, without prompting.
    – You have similar outlooks on family, child-rearing, and religion. Serious conversations like that are part of many religion’s pre-marital counseling, and if you can’t have those conversations, you’re not with the right person.(You can have different faiths, but find a middle ground for your relationship to stand on.) You don’t have to 100% agree from the start, but you need to lay out expectations and be very honest with yourselves.
    – Have you had a first fight? If you haven’t, you’re too far apart to be “the one” for anyone. Doesn’t have to be an all-out passionate blow-out, but disagreement is part of a healthy relationship. How you deal with it – together or apart – says a lot about how compatible you are.


  4. Testing your relationship by asking “Can I live without this person?” is setting yourself up for doubt. The idea of “the one” is romantic, but not practical. It’s based in fantasy. You are better off asking yourself some easier to answer questions, such as does this person provide emotional and material support when I need it? Does this person fit well into my lifestyle and beliefs, or will we always be going our separate ways for fun, political engagement, religious activities, etc.? Does this person want kids, and do I want kids? Do we see eye to eye on that? Are we of like minds financially, i.e. are we savers or spenders? Last but not least, are we sexually compatible? While these questions aren’t quite as entertaining as speculating “is he the one?”, incompatibility in these areas are primary reasons relationships fail.

Comments are closed.