Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over two years and I still get very upset when other guys ask her to dance. I understand she’s not doing anything wrong, just going out and having a good time. I assume it’s because I’m just very scared of losing her. I think it sort of bothers me I feel like she goes out and gets all done up and then ends up on the dance floor which I feel like invites this contact.
I know many guys would feel proud or something that other guys are interested in their girl, but I suppose I am insecure. I don’t think I get overly jealous about most things with our relationship, but for some reason this drives me crazy. Again I understand the way society invites guys to approach girls and all is not her fault or anything, but I can’t help getting upset when this happens. I don’t know why this affects me, do you have any advice?
— Just a Jealous Guy
What should Jealous Guy do? How can he tame the green-eyed beast? Advise him in the comments section below.
Here’s the deal… My girlfriend dances swing and salsa and it absolutely drives me effing crazy! I can’t stand the fact that some other dude has his hands all over her! I can’t go with her because I know if I did I would end up in jail for poping each one of those little bastards!
so what came of it? you guys still together
Sorry, mary, but you’re an idiot. There are lots of places where people go to just DANCE. Not drink, not hook up, just dance. If the poster was going home alone, he’d have something to worry about. He doesn’t mention that happening, so we can surmise that his girl is going home with him. If she’s going home with him, she clearly has no interest in any of the dudes she danced with that evening, aside from simply dancing with them.
To be honest very few go out dancing just to dance , drinks get involved. sometimes one is single , I can understand if she’s going out with her girlfriends or he’s going out with his guys but if you have a significant other it is disrespectful to dance with someone besides them. Dancing is a culture and a way of life there for should be only shared with them.
Oh, Emily. That is sad. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Your parnter isn’t supposed jealousize you out of having fun.
Is she right to be jealous? Only you know the answer to that. But if you think her jealousy is unfounded, you mustn’t EVER accomodate it. Even if it means leaving her at home whining and crying a few times. Going along with a parnter’s unfounded jealous tantrums is only helping them to foist their control-freak yoke upon your shoulders.
You should be pulling her up to your level. Instead she’s pulling you down to hers.
@ Paul, you sound like a very cool husband! (Next time post the dancing video… 🙂 )
Well, I’m engaged to another woman, so this may be different. But I used to go out all the time, and my fiancee would constantly be angry with me. At one point, she did confess her jealousy, and I haven’t done it since.
Tough call. When I hit the dance floor I just don’t stop! I love dancing, I don’t care who I’m dancing with. My wife loves to dance but she just can’t dance as long as me so I HAVE to find other people to dance with (or I dance by myself out there, which is a little weird, but I do it anyway, someone usually latches on:-) ).
It’s a lot of fun to dance and flirt, but I’ve been married for 8 years so it’s a bit different than a bf/gf relationship. I love it when I see my wife having fun. If it’s with another guy on the dancefloor (as long as he’s not one of those creepy dudes) I’m all for it. I’ll laugh and high five her. Cause I know 2 things:
1. She’s just having fun. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love or want to be with me in the end. Just because I notice another girl I think is attractive, doesn’t mean I want to leave my wife for her.
2. I’m pretty secure in the fact that I know she loves me and she knows I love her. It’s her life, I’m just like her best friend enjoying it with her. If she wants to break away and flirt, great. I want her to have everything she wants in life and I want to help her have it all. Just because she’s married to me shouldn’t mean she can’t experience all of life she wants. I don’t own her, I just love her, and want to walk through life with her. [bit of a global soap box issue there, sorry]
Relax bro, just have fun in life. And enjoy her having fun. If she can snag a nice looking dude on the dancefloor, congratulate her! It makes her feel good about herself. I bet if you relaxed she’d find you much more attractive and value you on a higher level. Besides, you’re the baddest dude she knows right? What do you have to worry about? Make sure she’s secure and feels loved and you’re golden.
Oh, and about dancing. Getting on the dance floor is 90% of it. And don’t “learn moves” just learn to flow with the music, smile, jump and have fun and you’ll be the hit of the party!
My 2sies yo!
Paul
Some great responses here, along the lines of “learn to dance”.
I’m going to gazing into my crystal ball and I see that you’re from North America, land of the rhythmless, no-dancing dude.
The bad news, if I’m right, is that your culture screwed you. If you were raised a North American white boy*, you were probably raised with a bad attitude toward dancing (dance lessons!? GAY!). Fastforward a few years to postpubescence and suddenly dancing is sexy, but you’ve got no moves. And those “gay” kids who hung out with girls and liked to dance are getting all the babes. Turns out they were players from the start.
The good news is you don’t have to be that good to surpass most other North American white boys on the dance floor. Take some dance lessons like the girls above suggested!
*Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting that any particular ethnicity is/isn’t rhythmically gifted. I’m saying that white North American culture tends to be prudish about dancing compared to, say, certain Latin cultures that encourage ALL kids, boys and girls, to dance from the time they can walk.
I’m imagining that sort of club grinding/dirty dancing. If your girlfriend was doing that, hell yeah you should be mad and insecure.
All I got is that she’s being asked to, I didn’t read that she was. If she declines them, then don’t get too stressed about it! If she accepts, tell her diplomatically that it makes you uncomfortable and talk it out.
And make sure to practice yourself so she wouldn’t need any other partner.
Actually, I think Hannah’s idea is a fantastic one. When I go out dancing, I usually either dance with other girls or with guys that happen to be excellent dancers. If my boyfriend were to take a few dance lessons I’d be absolutely stoked (he currently, much as I love him, kind of lacks in the rhythm department =/) and I’d definitely be happy to be on the dance floor, getting all the attention but still with the guy I love.
If she is doing it because the fun flirtation makes her feel sexy and desirable, then that’s something that you guys are going to have to work out between you. Try and think of a similar thing that you do to work up your self esteem. Do you ever ask another girl to dance, just to flirt and have a bit of fun? If not, why shouldn’t you?
I am hardcore into dancing, to the extent that I would ignore my bf completely if there were a better dancer who was willing and able for a night. It’s not about being interested in other guys or anything else. It’s about wanting to have fun on the dancefloor.
So there’s your answer…. Obviously, you let your gf do what she wants, but if you would take an active interest in dancing, and learn some cool moves (check out youtube), she’d probably not want to dance with those other losers anyway. Seriously, most guys suck at dancing, and when someone knows how to lead and teaches you a thing or two, you really have no interest in playing with the amateurs anymore anyway. Actually, you could go the extra mile and take a ballroom or swing dancing class with her. Then you’d definitely be her favorite choice when the two of you go out, and it would also get you used to be around other partners and watching her with others.
Knowing that you’re physically attractive is very important to most people, but possibly more so to women than men. Getting that validation from strangers is important in itself, but possibly even more important if your girlfriend isn’t 100% sure that you find her gorgeous. Do you make absolutely sure that she knows you do?
But either way, simply doing something a bit naughty and not-allowed, but in a safe way, is important sometimes. Dancing allows me to play at all the flirting that I’d like to do without actually doing it seriously – which means that I’m less likely to cheat on my man.
Shouldn’t you be glad that you have a woman that plenty of other men would love to be with, and that she’s so loyal to you that all she does is have a little flirty fun on the dancefloor?
^^ Ditto Lorraine. Women dump insecure guys for self-assured ones, every time.
and then they divorce them in 10 years for either cheating on them or for them being lazy. Oh yeah, and they remarry the initial insecure guys which turn out to be good fathers and very family orientated individuals.
Get some help, or therapy, and work it out inside of yourself. Otherwise, your weakness in this area will drive her away (sorry, speaking from experience).
Why aren’t YOU dancing with her?