We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve got some naughty fantasies, the likes of which sometimes even freak me out a little: you know, crazy stuff I think about to help get me off, but stuff I’d never do in real life. I’m torn between telling my husband and just keeping them to myself. If I tell him, sharing something like that could bring us closer and spice up our sex life. But it could also make him think I’m a weirdo and/or he could poke fun and/or I could be forever mortified. Keeping them to myself means I get something truly my own, for my me-time. I just sometimes feel like I’m not being totally myself with him by not opening up. What do you think?
— Of Two Dirty Minds
If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.
If he asks in the heat of foreplay you could test the waters of his tolerance by giving him the tamest fantasies. I can tell you from personnal experience that my wife’s fantasies really turn me on. However, “one time in band camp” I blurted out to her one of mine and she got insulted. So now when we engage in that exchange of ideas I just watch the way I say things. We often have those kinds of exchanges to spice things up but I know/feel she keeps some of her naughtiest to herself even though I am dying to know, but I respect her right to keep them to herself.
Once, after I had had a couple of drinks on a Saturday night when we were at home listening to music and dancing around the house, I spilled to my fiance that I had thoughts about trying some things out sexually with another woman while we were still together and asked how he felt about it. At first, he was surprised and kind of turned on. The next day, it made him feel uncomfortable. Every day after that and for the following five or six months, he would be on edge because he thought I wanted to be with another woman instead of him and constantly thought I was going to cheat on him with a girl because of my fantasies…Looking back, I wish I would’ve just kept my mouth shut. Sometimes the fantasies should just be between you and your imagination.
I think ther should be a bit of give and take. Ask yourself ome thing first: do you want to know his sexual fantasies? Because if not then it’s unfair to share yours but make him keep quiet about his.
In my experience, if there’s one thing a man loves, it’s his partner exposing her sexual side. It opens up sexual oppertunites they didn’t know were available. If you reveal your fantasies I think he’d find a serious turn on rather than a turn off.
We all know men spend a huge portion of time thinking about sex. They love it when they know you do too. That way when they think about sex they think about you thinking about it! Men have a wild sexual imagination, unless he’s seriously conservative and isn’t adventurous then odds are his sexual fantasies are far more worse than yours even though you may think that impossible.
It’s all about testing the waters. I remember the initial shock I had when I was first spanked then grew to love it so much I was asking him to do it!
Don’t be afraid, he will seriously LOVE your honesty. His initial will wear off and soon he’ll be begging for more!
LUST LET IT GO YOU START OFF WITH WHO YOU WANT AND YOU FINNISH WITH WHO YOU WANT NO HARM HIGH HONY IM HOME
KEEP IT TO YOUESELF YOU START OFF WITH WHO YOU WANT AND YOU FINISH WITH WHO YOU WANT
I say share. He might not be into the same stuff, but he’ll definitely be into you having more intense orgasms- it will be good for his ego, no doubt. I voted for spill the beans, thinking that since he’s a guy he’ll be into it, whatever it is (since you didn’t say I’m imagining things that are probably way worse than what you actually want, btw). But on second thought, it depends on the dynamics of the relationship.
Maybe testing the waters first is the best way to do it. FInd out if he’s into it and then work your way up to what you want. Or at the very least, if you spill it, prepare him with a disclaimer first…something like, “I’ve been keeping some really wild fantasies to myself, because I’ve been worried how you’re going to react” Don’t just drop it on him out of the blue. Give him time to mull it over and don’t try to pressure him into it.
Since you don’t give us any idea what your fantasy is how could we give you an answer? You might both be thinking the same thing. I say tell him a little a first and see how it goes. Talk with a trusted friend (or maybe an anonymous pen pal).
If you are too afraid of sharing something extreem its going to frustrate you. Post it anonymously on an apropiate forum, get it out (or in as the case may be) and see what others think.
You seem shy, so don’t force yourself. You definitely deserve to have private thoughts just for you – a marriage forces you to share so much of yourself that keeping such things to yourself can become very precious.
I like the idea of trying out one or two tamer things first, to see how he reacts. I once used a magazine article to broach a tricky subject with a partner – I just didn’t feel comfortable saying it aloud, but I wanted to know what he thought, so I ‘commented’ on it as I read and felt out his thoughts on the subject. It turned out to be a really good way of getting us to talk about it, because it seemed relaxed and there was no agenda and no pressure as far as he could see.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
You need to slowly tell your husband if you think you are really going to want to explore these fantasies. I have had fantasies that I have shared with my husband and he got off on it and seemed interested. Then he would become insecure and it would never happen. however it is still on my mind. I am a sexual person and I don’t think I can live with never having the experiences. Both partners need to be open to each others fantasies because as long as it is resonably safe and legal, than you only have one life. Do it girl!
I have to disagree with Shawna. I don’t think you’re being bad, dishonest, or holding back because you have private fantasies. My thinking is in line with the other commenters – proceed slowly, because of the concerns you expressed in your question.
I think that what is in your own private life should stay there. If you do something, and you enjoy it, and it makes you feel good, keep it to your self. No one has to know your personal business.
My man actually can feel in his heart when I’m not telling him sumthing that i am doing bad. Some men actually want honesty in a relationship. My man is 1 he’s very honest. He says if you wait even a week to tell him u cheat that is wrong. basically be totally honest and not hold back from the person you love. You should be able to talk about anything with the person u chose to spend the rest of your life with.
Not only should you tell your husband, you should probably tell us as well. Only for advice-giving reasons, of course.
Other than that, I agree with the previous posters that revealing gradually is the best way to go. It’s likely if your husband is a cool guy that he will be psyched to hear your fantasies and thrilled that they are “crazy”. BUT if he is judgmental or insecure, then revealing just a bit at a time would minimize your vulnerability and ease him into the idea of you being a little bit kinky.
Always stay positive! Whatever your fantasy is, its likely to be totally awesome and your husband will probably love it! Regardless, treating it as a cool secret rather than a horrible one makes it more likely that he’ll see it that way, too.
I think that the main deciding factor on this one is what you want to accomplish by telling your husband. Do you merely want to have the experience of saying these things out loud to another human being? Are you hoping that he’ll look at you and say “I’ve always wanted to do that too!”? Perhaps you’re hoping that he’ll play along and act some of these fantasies out with you?
I don’t think you have to sit your husband down and confess every dirty thought you’ve ever had all in one sitting but it might be a lot of fun to divulge one or two. Then perhaps you both can go from there. And as far as his reaction goes, unless you’re admitting to being turned on by something that is immoral or illegal (i.e. pedophilia, bestiality, etc) you probably don’t have a lot to worry about. For one, he’s your husband, not some random one night stand with no emotional commitment to you and secondly, he’s probably got some of his very own freak nasty fantasies of his own. Would you judge or make fun of him for opening up to you about his secret desires?
And lastly, there’s no rule that you have to share you sexual fantasies with him. If those thoughts are images or scenarios you keep in your pocket for a rainy day, then that’s ok. If there are things that you would actually like to come to fruition then you can share them with your man and see about making them happen for real. You’re not being sneaky or dishonest by NOT telling him. I mean, it’s likely that he’s got his fair share of stuff in the Spank Bank that he’s more than happy to keep to himself. You guys obviously care about each other because you’re married, so relax and cut yourself (and him) some slack and remember that sex is supposed to be fun and healthy!
I voted for divulging gradually and with caution, and I want to clarify because the answer I would have really given wasn’t exactly an option. I would not share fantasies that I knew would hurt my partner’s feelings. For example, if he is a jealous sort of guy, you probably don’t want to just come out and say that you’ve been fantasizing about other guys, or multiple guys at once. Even though there’s nothing wrong with that, he may be hurt that he’s not enough for you. So if you’re going to share something that you think might hurt his feelings or really intimidate him, I would do it with extreme caution (i.e. share a “hot dream” you had that you would “never” do in real life, rather than saying you think about a certain fantasy whenever you masturbate). I could see how sharing a fantasy could potentially ruin a sex life with an insecure partner. Guys in general are probably more open to experimenting, but if you flip the genders of the situation, there are probably a lot of women who would become seriously worried and/or insecure if they found out that their husbands have been fantasizing frequently about sex with another guy, another woman, a pair of girls, a tranny, etc.