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Dear Em & Lo,
So I met this guy clubbing and we ended up at a motel and got it on. I was expecting a one-night stand, but he asked if I wanted breakfast and the conversation was great and it lead to a next date with no sex.
For a few weeks he called and texted and we were sort of dating, though we never defined anything (on my birthday, he came with a present and a card). Then about a month after that, I realized he was losing interest. I was into him, so had “the talk,” and I decided to call it off — he seemed to understand, but no objection.
Then about 2 months after that, I called him and we met for drinks and it turned into a booty call. I felt a bit sad as I still had feelings, but he didn’t seem to. A month later, I drunk-dialed and we met and just did our thing. Then again last week. I now know why I am meeting up with him — it’s no longer for a relationship, I think it is because I like to be intimate with HIM and am currently not seeing anyone.
I wanna keep it less frequent but have ground rules, like, only when we are single and such. Also, all the booty calls were made by me and he would come to me. I sort of like it that way, as it is upon my convenience, but also wonder why he would not? I’m also scared that if I even bring up any kind of talk to define anything, he will will just vanish.
Some friends say to stay away as he doesnt seem to value anything. I dunno what to do… just forget it until I am in the mood again… is he not even f-buddy material?
— (A Different Kind Of) Rules Girl
What should Rules Girl do? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.
So I recently had a really successful friend-with-benefits relationship, and if it’s all right I’d love to share what was key for me in building it.
My friend and I were pretty attracted to each other, but it wasn’t healthy to date each other (for various reasons that we both agreed on). So we talked about it, openly, with clothes on. I pretty much said, “I think you’re pretty cool and wouldn’t mind doing a weekly sexy thing, with dinner and booty calls.” We continued to negotiate it over the next month, and decided that the arrangement should only continue if were were exclusive. At the same time, we agreed not to hold out for each other. This went on for three months or so.
I had to initiate a lot of the communication (why aren’t dudes taught to talk feelings) but it was well worth it! He started dating someone else a couple months ago, which he told me about before it really heated up. After a couple weeks for a break, we’re having lunch and coffee every week like, well, normal friends. I’m not feeling hurt about it, although sometimes I’m a little masochistically curious about his new cutie.
So I would say you should DEFINITELY communicate about what relationship you would like. There’s no way you can get the kind of relationship you want if you don’t bring up the option. Without talking, I wouldn’t have known that he only wanted to continue if our FWB was exclusive. And by making it easy to talk, he was able to tell me about his new girlfriend, instead of feeling ashamed of it. At the end of the day, both of us had loads of fun, explored more kinky stuff, and separated with minimal heartbreak.
And if your booty call can’t handle any sort of negotiation, I don’t think he’s worth your time. These sorts of rules protect both of you from getting hurt.
If this is really just a booty call for you, I think you’re giving it too much thought. Just see him when you want to and don’t when you don’t. If you want to have a talk, do it. If you think he’s a dick, dump him. He is going to do whatever he wants regardless of any rules. So just do what is right for you and he can take it or leave it.
If ground rules will scare off your booty call, he shouldn’t be your booty call. Period. The end.
It’s never presumptuous to set boundaries – both for yourself, and for others. You need what you need, and if someone can’t – or won’t – give it to you, it will be better *for you* to move on and look for someone who can and will.
Let me emphasize something really important: absolutely whatever it is that you need is *not* crazy. You need that, and there is someone out there who will understand that you do.
He prob isn’t booty calling you since he knows you have feelings for him and he doesn’t. If he doesn’t initiate a hook up, he is ‘innocent’ and not leading you on. I agree with the above, set rules for yourself, you can’t and shouldn’t control him. Also, if you still have your hopes up for this to become a relationship, don’t fuck him.
It’s a bit presumptuous to impose ground rules when the guy seems barely interested. Set ground rules for yourself if you want – like, you’ll only call him when you’re single. But don’t bother trying to tell him what to do.
I like your last idea – forget about it until you’re in the mood again. Call him again if you feel like it, or if you never feel like it again, then don’t.