Your Weekly (Sell-Out) Horoscopes: 09-23-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s astrological truth in advertising… 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer — whatever it takes to keep your sex drive on a leash this week (have you tried chewing Big Red?). If you come on too strong, your partner may be scared off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
On the road of love, there are passengers and there are drivers. Drivers wanted this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just do it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
M-A-T-T-R-E-S — leave the last “S” off for sex, ’cause this week you ain’t getting any.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Snickers really satisfies. This week, so will your partner.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
New outfit from Banana Republic: $200. Freshly laundered underwear: $12. Two tickets to Verdi’s La Traviata: $300. Bottle of Veuve Cliquot: $85. Private helicopter to mountain villa: $3,500. Pack of lubricated condoms: $3. 50. A night in front of the TV and your self respect in the morning: priceless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s just say the relationship you’re in right now looks like a pump, but feels like a sneaker.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. This week, you don’t. And that’s okay.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Who even knows what “it” is — but you’ve got it this week, and everyone’s swooning.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Beef, it’s what’s for dinner. So sink your teeth into the piece of meat of your choice.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And what would you do for sex? What about love? Back up your talk with action this week to avoid being stuck in the company of a chocolate bar.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When you care enough to send the very best, you don’t send a letter bomb to the doorstep of your sweetie’s heart by screwing someone else.