Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
Ok, I know this works for me,
If you are dry, try drinking more water throughout the day. If you drink lots of coffee, tea etc. You aren’t actually hydrating yourself. Good hydration = good wetness, at least in my case.
okay , so i was reading all of these comments and .. i have this problem. i have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months , and it still hurts like HELL . and after a while i dry up ? its not that im not attracted to him , he is sexy , and we rub around on each other , oral and everything before we start . i know it cant be im not into him , he is in the marines and is totally buff as can be , who dont like muscles? well anyways , i really hate this and i know he does too.. any suggestions ?
I would hate for any of you to give up on sex – or even sex with your current guy. Katie, there are a variety of lubes out there (water-, oil- and silicone based), so consider trying another type…you can even spot-test it on yourself first to see how your vagina reacts, before you try it during sex.
With regards to the cervix, yes, sometimes he can bump up against it…but it’s at the back of your vagina (so 4-6 inches in). If you’re feeling like he’s hitting a wall after only 2-3 inches of penetration, it’s not your cervix – it’s more likely the walls of your vagina tightening together (like a spasm). This may be vaginismus, or it may be that you’re not physically or mentally ready for sex in that moment. You can see with your gyno as well, for an exam and recommendations.
I have the same problem as Dani, except lube does not work for me. In fact, it makes hurt more and makes it more irritated. No matter what I do I can’t seem to figure out how to fix this problem, and it’s gotten so frustrating that I”m about ready to give up on sex because I don’t know how to fix the problem. Any suggestions?
So I’ve been reading these comments and they sound very familiar! This is what I’ve found: During foreplay, the cervix ascends to make room for the penetration of the penis it knows is on the way. The “wall” that you feel your SO hitting is the unascended cervix, either you haven’t given it enough time to get out of the way or its not moving properly. My suggestion is to continue foreplay, some women (me included) need 45 minutes to an hour of foreplay to really get things primed. Just try it, keep foreplaying until you think you are ready for penetration, then foreplay for 15 minutes longer, you’ll be suprised at the effect. Good luck ladies!
It seems that a lot of girls are having the same problem I am.
I can get my bf in a couple inches and then, bam, no more. The first couple times I was scared and realized that was the problem but recently we have been really, really ready to do the deed with tons of foreplay and it doesn’t help at all.
I’m having the exact same problem as many of you here, and I havent found a solution. It really does feel literally like he’s hitting somthing inside me, and although i doubt it is bone (unless my knowledge of basic anatomy is very wrong) but thats what it feels like, literally that hard. Annnnyyy help would be greatly appreicated, as my boyfriend is very experienced and I know that HE knows it’s something with me, since he’s never had this before. Although he is on the large size, its really not helping our relationship and i can tell he’s getting frustrated, even though he’d never say it. If anyone can explain what might be going on and how to resolve it I’d really appreicate it 🙂
My problem has started more recently. Every time my fiance and I have sex, I start to tear and after a few minutes, I can’t handle it anymore. I stay sore for a few days, sometimes a week, before I heal completely. He thinks it’s because of him or that I’m not attracted to him and that’s why I start to dry up during sex. I keep trying to tell him that it’s not, and it could possibly be from stress from college, but he doesn’t really believe me. We just bought some lube and we are going to try that the next time I go home to see him. Either way, it has been very discouraging.
I have the same problem as Jenna. My boyfriend can only get about 2 or 3 inches in before the pain is too intense for me and we have to stop. it’s literally like somethings blocking it. we’ve tried lube but i don’t think that’s the real issue… we’ve decided to go to the doctor together about it because it’s really frustrating.
well..i have this problem too… but what i suggest is to make yourself relax…no tense…get free all other problems in your mind (mind’s free)… just enjoy the excitement, adn explore… unless you’re not really into him, then how hard you tried, i would tell you, you wouldn’t enjoy your sex…
I have these problems too, except I’m not exactly sure what to do. It seems like I can only fit in the first inch, then it is almost as though I he hits a brick wall. I haven’t been able to find anything that works, but maybe I should try more floor play. I feel bad for anyone else who has my problem; it is very discouraging.
Presuming you’re going the safe route and using condoms, it may be that you’re experiencing latex sensitivity! There seem to be only 3 non-latex condom options available that are also able to protect against STDs; Durex Avanti, Lifestyles Skyn, and Trojan Supra (lambskins only keep out the sperm, not the cooties). Try switching to one of these and see if that helps.
I have sensitive skin, to the point where I have to be really careful to use laundry detergent with no fragrance and watch every single product I use. A few months after my (now) husband and I started having sex I was in pain every time. We finally figured out I was having a reaction to the slight residue of soap on his skin. He switched to my soap and that fixed the problem.
Um. This is kind of icky. Make sure you’ve poo’d recently. I have had very painful sex and then realized it was my, um, matter both pushing my vagina down so it was shorter and making it tighter. So…poop before you play.
I have trouble with painful sex, too– on a regular basis. My situation sounds similar to the questioner here, but I’ve found a pleasant solution. The only way I can be (almost) sure not to hurt after a few minutes of intercourse is to have an orgasm before intercourse starts– many ways to that goal, of course.