Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
Fragola, your health is more important that what your parents think. If you are at least 18, You should be seeing the doctor for a PAP every year, even if you aren’t sexually active, anyway. WHY is it their business? If worse comes to worse, go to Planned Parenthood, and you pay what you can afford. No doctor can tell ANYONE, parents or not, why you go to see them or even that you went to the doc. It is actually illegal for doctors to reveal this information.
I know my older girls didn’t want a “family doctor” for their pelvic exams (neither had any pain, but still they needed a PAP and Pelvic and eventually birth control) and wanted to take control of their own health, so they both went to Planned Parenthood, and I only knew because they CHOSE to tell me. If they had chose, I never would have known.
Ladies, sex SHOULDN’T be this painful unless something isn’t right. Please see a well trained doctor or midwife to find out what it is. There is no reason to miss out on the beauty and ecstasy of sex, due to something fixable like vaginismus, an imperforate hymen, or adherent clitoris. Please, see a doctor who knows what he or she is doing so you can enjoy yourself.
And NO doctor has ANY right to tell your parents a damn thing about why you saw them. Often bills can even be made vague enough so they can be read by parents who are still living in the dark ages and for some reason don’t think their adult children deserve medical care for their female organs.
hey… me and my boyfriend of over a year tried to have sex for the first time yesterday. After barely a few inches he couldnt get it in farther. I was feeling too much pain; it was intense. I cant evenstand it when he finges me— it hurts too much. People are saying lube, and more foreply, and i’m starting to have hope… but at the same time it sounds like a lot of people are having the same problem and theres really nothing to help it. Im ready to give up my virginity to him, but…..i cant because of the pain. and honest to god it sucks.
I too am having problems with sex. I must admit that on the odd occasion if I grit my teeth and bare the pain it sometimes gets better, but after a decent amount of time I feel as if I am almost “drying up” and I get a burning sensation during sex. But for the majority of the time, I have to stop my boyfriend as I simply cannot bare the pain, especially if we don’t have sex for a certain amount of time, eg during my period. Once we go back to having sex again I feel that we’ve landed back at square one and the pain is intense again. This is really frustrating me and my boyfriend, and I would very much like to go and see a doctor, however I am still relatively young (although I am legal! Don’t worry ;p!)and I still live with my parents, I don’t want to arouse any suspicion on their part by going to the doctors as tend to be very nosy, and I don’t think they’d be very understanding ! Anybody know any excersises or home remedies for my problem ;x!
Becca, your doctor should have addressed the problem. As he has not bothered, you NEED a new doctor. I have never heard of ANYONE putting a hole in their vaginal wall from any kind of digital penetration. (I’m a nurse, not a doctor.) Nor have I heard of anyone “getting close” to doing so.
You may have vaginismus, a tightening of the muscles of the vagina, which can be very painful. This needs to be addressed by an GYN MD or Nurse Practitioner.
Hormonal birth control can cause vaginal dryness and yeast infections in some women, but not “holes” in the vaginal wall or the muscular tightening you are describing.
As for penetration with a dildo on your own etc, WHY does your boyfriend have a say in this? It isn’t HIS vagina. One of the treatments for vaginismus is graduated pessaries, (or dildos, in the vernacular) to help the muscles relax and get used to penetration.
You need to see a doctor who will listen to you. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t be in pain during sex or any type of stimulation AND your doctor doesn’t seem to know what he is doing, IMO.
Please see someone more dedicated and knowledgeable about the female body, as there is no reason to be in pain.
I just stumbl;ed upon this site, and just wanted to note that I seem to be having problems very similar to those posted here- however, I’ve done some playing around with myself and experimenting.
first of all- my situation: I started on nuva ring last august. (dont know if that was related, but its something to note, if it is) since then, i started a long-distance relationship and didnt have sex much- and because he didnt want me to, I didnt use any kind of dildo for penetration either. now- understand that although I could handle something reasonably large, if I had lots of lube, I was already tight to begin with, and I do kegels on a regular basis. so… I went some 6 1/2 months with very little penetration after the first coule of months when I had This complication:
at first I would use my fingers for penetration and would sometimes dig the pads of my fingers pretty hard into my g-spot, which had my fingernails digging into the more delicate tissue right above the g-spot. after doing that one time, I looked down and noticed that my hand was covered in blood- and it was NOT menstrual blood. my doctor said that it was being all torn up (i did Not manage to tear an actual hole in my vaginal wall, But he said i was getting there) from the fingers and the constant irritation of the nuva ring. he had me take out the ring, wait two weeks for any kind of penetration, and then to put a new ring for the next month. and to not use my fingers any more I did as he said, and have not really had much penetration since then.
since then: I have noticed that I have gotten tighter, and tighter- and sex has gotten more an more painful. at this point, I cannot take anything even resembling penis-sized into my vagina without an intense pain. and I should mention that in my poking around with myself, and trying to stretch myself out using my fingers, I have noticed that it is an intense pain in TWO areas, not just one: one of them is inside the vagina- the vaginal walls about a couple of inches in (and that’s about how far in a guy can get before I cringe and grit my teeth)- but the other, is in what’s left of my hymen- its like THAT has gotten tighter too- like, its pulled together and the hole has gotten smaller. when I have sex (no matter how wet or lubed up I am), I feel like I’m re-losing my virginity each time. I feel like I’m tearing, and I’m sore for a few days after… now, I’m a bit of a masochist so to a certain extent i like this pain… but the point is: its gotten bad enough that even as a masochist, I know that this isnt right- that something is wrong.
I dont know what is causing the problem- if it is simply the lack of penetration for a while (and contracting hard when I cum from clit play), and I just got tighter again… or if I caused some damage and scar tissue is causing me to tighten. I dont know if the hormones from the BC could have done something, or if its the ring itself- just the object being there that’s causing me harm. hell, for all I know, there could be some kind of infection, and its simply some inflamed tissue between the vagina and rectum. i’m really at quite a loss.
in the hopes that the nuvaring is the problem- or at least part of what’s making it worse- I have removed the ring and am looking into other methods of birth control. I hope that someone has some idea of what’s actaully going on- not just my hypotheses, and can help me figure out a way to reverse it.
does anybody else recognize these symptoms? does anyone else have a story similar to mine? any clues as to what has happened? or what I can do?
good luck to everyone- I hope you find your answers as much as I hope to find my own.
What I’ve heard of from a cosmopolitan magazine (I think), is buy a dildo. Work on putting it in yourself every chance you can, and eventually you’ll get deeper and deeper without hurting yourself…this stretches the vagina – and remember lots of lube!
Hi, i was reading these comments and i have the same things!!!! I tried to lose my virginity at an age when i wasnt ready and my boyfriend really pressured me into it, sinc he was older and it was very painful for me! Like excrutiating, but i know that i wasnt wet or at all in the mood for it and was so scared that time. However, ive been with a guy for over a year, am 18 now, and trying to lose it to this guy i love and am very sexually attracted to. However, after like 2 or 3 inches its sooo painful, also the lube weve used burns me and makes it worse. I will try lube without additives though. When he fingers me it can burn also and doesnt feel good unless its at the top with the clitoris. What can i do to help?
Zack, you were probably hitting her cervix (that thing at the back of her vagina.) The cervix is the opening to the uterus, and although when very aroused many women find it pulls UP and OUT, when a woman nears orgasm it comes down to accept semen. Also, if she isn’t used to sex, pressure on her cervix can be VERY uncomfortable.
You may want to get a good book about sex (Em and Lo have a bunch) or Our Bodies Ourselves (yeah, I’m old school) and look at some pictures of female anatomy so you can see where her stuff is.
If she was a virgin, she might be uncomfortable at first. A good water based, non glycerin lube could really help, also, for the time being, less deep thrusting could help.
Go slow and follow her cues, and as she gets more experienced at sex, things will get better. And IMO, there is little better to arouse any woman than a nice long oral sex session. For BOTH of you. 🙂
Katie, be careful what is IN your lube. I didn’t even know this until recently (from the info I got with an order from Babeland.com) but many women get VERY sore from lubes with GLYCERIN, menthol, peppermint and other additives.
I realized that a lot of my Urinary tract infections and yeast infections were from these additives.
Both KY and Astroglyde make non glycerin, water based lubes, and although I have not tried then yet Babeland has several of their own lubes without these additives. If you use the Astroglyde, get the one with the GREEN cap, the purple cap has glycerin and other things in it. And although ID is a popular brand of lube, I haven’t been able to find one without the additives.
Also, anything which promises to “tingle” or “warm” will probably also irritate you. So sensitive girls and boys need to stick to the less exotic lubes and go with plain KY or green cap Astroglyde. Or an other lube without menthol, peppermint, glycerin and other additives.
Good luck.
I had sex with my girlfreind for the first time. I am larger then al her previous partners. She was in immense pain. We were have foreplay for hours teasing each other.I want to make this better cause I really like her and she was crying cause of pain and cause we could not make love properly. I want her to enjoy it and be happy. I also noticed that when I was far inside I could feel something in the back? Please help me I want to have a long relationship with this girl and any advice would be VERY much apprecieated
I’ve read through many of the comments because my girlfriend and I have had similar problems. One thing we have learned is that lube can make it worse. Light water-bases lubes don’t get as sticky as the wetness wears off and silicone lubes are the thickest and can be worse in wet locations. Some lubes can cause irritation, burning, and can detract from your natural wetness. For us it hurts going in but a little spit and forplay goes along way. Another thing is that if you’re a girl that masturbates and would be comfortable doing that with your partner before sex then try it. In our experience it helps her relax, makes her more wet, and makes the pain almost all go away. Hope this helps.
I am currently having this problem and am looking for help because it is affecting my relationship. My first time has been with my current boyfriend of 4 months. We’ve had sex a few times and most of the times penetration hurts…We have plenty of foreplay and lubrication but I think it may be a mental thing. It’s not that I’m not attracted to my boyfriend but something in my mind stops me. Like a mental block. I want the both of us to be able to enjoy our sex life more without having to worry I’ll be in pain. What can we both do to make this better? I don’t want him to be scared of hurting me. Please Help!!!
Hello I am also experiencing pain during sex. Me and my boyfriend have used lube before and my boyfriend says I’m really wet but it is still very painful when he first enters me. We haven’t been able to have sex for months because of this. I don’t want to be scared of sex anymore. Please help!
So I also have plenty of foreplay before, and I’m “SUPER WET” as my boyfriend says, but it HURTS UNBEARINGLY with penetration. He tries his best to make it comfortable, but after 2-3 inches in, I’m in immense pain. One very sexual intercourse occasion this has been the problem, which explains why my sexual activity count is less than ten! I want to feel the pleasure of sex, so I can relate to this girls when we’re having GIRL TALK. PLEASE HELP!
Dear Dr Kate,I met my fiance two months sex is awesome for me especially since he’s on the Large size,but he says he feels sorta like walls on inside when he’s in me he even has bruises .Could me having had a hysterectomy be one of the reasons or because Im not streathed out enough.Im 50 years and you wouldn’t think that would be the reason .please help us I enjoy our love making and I want it be good for both of us.