Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
I’m not sure if I have the same problems… I just recently started having sex and it only hurts whe he first enters me.. After five to ten minutes it doesn’t hurt anymore. Is this just because I haven’t had sex much, or is it a medical problem?
havent had sex in over 8 months will it hurt like when i lost my virginty
well i have this same problem my vag is dry i have had three kids cesection and im 23 years old i dont know why this is we use lub and evert thing it SUCKS and HURTS this amn is my husband so i love him and im attracted to him so some times i cant even get in the mood ok i hardley ever get in the mood why ??/ help
I have been having discomfort/pain during sex off and on for the last eight months. I’ve been diagnosed with sensitive skin (so I’m careful with my soaps and laundry detergent), latex allergy (now use non latex condoms), yeast infections and bacterial infections (went on antibotics and treatment for both). Right now, I’m going to an acupuncturist which seems to really be helping.
I’m also keeping a detailed diary of my symptoms, when they occur, if they are connected to sex or something else. I would recommend this for anyone seeking medical help. Make sure you find a doctor who is going to take the time to listen to you – and help them by being as prepared as possible.
Besides drinking A LOT of water and focusing on a healthy lifestyle (both diet and trying to reduce stress) the thing that has helped me the most is my boyfriend. He has proved time and time again that sex is not a girl “duty”, I shouldn’t feel like a bad girlfriend just because I’m have some physical problems that I’m trying to treat. We have focused on non-penetrative sex and other ways to be intimacy which a little penetrative sex throw in to test the waters. I’m in control of the starting and stopping of that sex. This is a process and I believe that it will get better. Sex is a really important part of a relationship but it’s not the only part and you can’t let your problems define the rest of the relationship.
After loosing my virginity, I thought that the pain of sex would eventually go away and become more pleasurable. Unfortunatly, every time since then has just been VERY painful for me, and I have to stop after a minute of sex or so. I’ve tried condoms, LOTS of lube, and LOTS of foreplay. I’ve even came once before intercourse, but it still hurts. What can I do?
im 17 and my bf is 18 ill be 18 in two months we are engaged and as any other couple we have sex well try to were fine during the forplay but when he starts to penitrate it hurts him i use lube and im wet but hes complaining im to tight?? we mess around for a good 30 or 40 min but he still complains about tightness and the sex feels great for me but hes in pain and he wont really talk to me bout it i think its bc hes embaressed but idk how we are gonna work somthing out if he wont talk to me please help me
My first time having sex was pretty painful i admit but i did foreplay before hand to loosen up a little bit and when my boyfriend started to penetrate me he went slow and when it started to go in he would stop rub it around and go a little farther and he would start to move in and out nice and slow even if he wasnt in me very much just to loosen it more and it helped alot when he moved in and out cuz it helped it go in my vagina more when he pushed farther in and when he was fully in he went slowly in and out to help me get used to it cuz going to fast before your used to it can hurt more. So go slow and try what i said it helped alot. I won’t say its gonna be pain free because that would be a lie but once you start doing it more you get used to it and it doesnt hurt when it goes in, it just feels tight.
I am 20 years old and i’ve never had sex before,and i think im ready…i know my boyfriend is ready,but the only thing holding me back is the fear that it will really hurt…please give me a response on what to do
I haven’t had sex in years, but when I was, it hurt a lot and the guy also the the feeling of hitting a brick wall when only about an inch in. I still have the pain and difficulty most of the time when I try to use a toy. But, I finally found out during a pelvic exam that I have a tilted cervix and that can cause those problems. Don’t know why the other docs never mentioned it. Make sure you are very very aroused and don’t forget to add more lube after you get started, those can both help.
I recently married a virgin. I didn’t think we would have any significant problems with sex as long as we had plenty of foreplay, took it very slow, and used plenty of lube. But, sex hurts her tremendously every time. She keeps wanting to try because we know it’s got to get better, but I have a hard time staying in the mood when I know I’m hurting her. I’ve never gotten more than a few inches in, and the last few times we have tried have ended with me not being able to get in more than an inch before it became just too painful. She has been dealing with constipation, too, but it doesn’t seem like that fully explains her pain. She says her vagina doesn’t hurt before or after, so I don’t think it’s just soreness. But, as soon as we try any penetration, the pains starts up strong. I try to talk softly with her and get her to relax. She seems in the mood and says she badly wants to keep trying right away, but the last few times, she had felt tighter than ever. Could this possibly be a normal tight virgin adjusting to having sex for the first few weeks, or is this a sign of a true problem that is calling for a doctor’s appointment?
Plus, worried, why is he CONTINUING to have sex with you, if he KNOWS it’s so painful, and just “apologizing?” A good man would accompany you to the doctor and not force you into sex, if it hurts. How are you two setting the stage for an equal and honest relationship, if he is having sex with you, knowing you are hurting badly, and you are ‘pretending’ it doesn’t hurt and seeing sex as something a woman “gives” a man?
Please, something needs to be done, both your body and the relationship need help.
worried, have you been to a competent GYN for a complete work up, and has he or she made absolute sure you DON’T have vaginismus? It isn’t something a lay person can diagnose for themselves.
Don’t “Give it to him and pretend it doesn’t hurt.” HOW does that make your relationship honest and better? If it’s that painful (and it has NOTHING TO DO with “tightness” as if the vaginal muscles are working properly, even a new virgin will accommodate a large penis) something is wrong, and you need medical help.
Please, don’t put up with it, stop looking at sex as something you “give” your man, (supposed to be a sharing activity, not one of only one person enjoying it, and the other making some kind of sacrifice) and please see a medical provider for help.
I got married two months ago and experienced the same issue with him going in a few inches before pain. It helped me to have him rub my legs or another part of my body while we were having sex. He also would periodically remind me to relax, which helped as well. Lastly, I would recommend trying new positions to everyone with this problem. For us, it seemed like missionary was more difficult than other positions. We found a similar position that worked much better for us – alternate legs. Starting in missionary (initial penetration was easier here), but then have him move one of his legs over one of yours. Maybe it was just us, but it helped a lot! Also, go slow, and maybe ask him to do lots of small strokes back and forth to help loosen up.
As for our problems, the entrance to my vagina often gets very sore during sex, sort of like a mild rug burn. We do use plenty of lubricant, so I don’t think that’s the issue. And it really doesn’t hurt anywhere else. It’s very frustrating and I would like to know if there’s anything I can do to help the situation. Thanks!
me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and though i feel so ready and we have lots of forplay before sex its always uncomfortable for me.. he says it’s because i’m so tight.. but the pain is pressure not actual ripping or burning like the first time.. im scared somethings wrong with me but have no idea what to do about it.. please help!
I dont have vaginismus and we always use lube,but it still hurts like crazy when we do it. He’s really big and I can feel him stretching me when he enters. Most times If I can put up with it for about ten minutes or so, the pain eases up a bit.But sometimes its just intolerable. It makes me feel terrible because he feels bad that he’s hurting me. The last time we did he was apologizing the whole time. He’s a bit older than me and has a bit more experience and he’s never had this problem with any other woman;So I know its me. I dunno what to do. Its really embarrassing because anything other than missionary is basically intolerable. I try to just give it to him and pretend it doesnt hurt but then I end up bleeding and sore for days. I’m lost….