Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
ok so heres a pattern….were all women with one issue…painful sex and lusty but hopeful boyfriends..i’ve had sex twice now..and it hurts like hell..not completely unbearable but yeah damn painfull. i do it to please him and in hopes try to please myself in the process only to end up feelin torn. So the question is ….”What the hell do we do about it?”
1. find new partners…lol not likely.
2. more foreplay (obviously not working)
3. try new positions. i actually like this idea. for those of you who are usually doing the missionary try something different. maybe it will feel different at another angle. ^-^
4. relax a lil more. if your nervous or stressed out during the start of sex then it will most certainitly not feel very good. its because your clamping down. you need to ease up and relax. let your self smooth out.
5. picture and object. Something that really turns you on. for me ( paul walker) just sexy lol so picture something that stimulates you. maybe picturing another guy isnt really awise idea tho ..wouldnt want you screamin his name while with your love.
6. let your fantasies come alive. tell your partner what you fantasize about. like not a cheesy senario but a way you picture making love. maybe if you tell him you two could try it and it would help relax. 😀
ok im just a 18 yr old girl but i have the same problem. as i realize im very inexperienced when it comes to sex i just thought to put some imaginative ideas out there. but if you have any other great ideas please let me know. . im sick of sex feeling like a punishment. nobody should dread sex.
~ sidda
I have been having sex since I was 16, Im now 24. I ended up with HPV a few years ago and I went through a period that I was so dry down there I had to use lubrication all the time. Ever since I first got diagnosed with it it hurts to have sex with anybody. I is painful from start to finish and usually feels like they are trying to rip my insides out. It sucks because I do like sex but It is so painful I often forget to breathe while in the act.
I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend the other night.
I’m petite and he’s EXTREMELY girthy.
It hurt like hell and I’m not sure what to do about it.
Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have always loved and enjoyed having sex. After we had a baby sex got so painful and i have been to see a doctor and gyno they both said it will go away if we use lube. We use lots of lube for foreplay and sex, but it desnt help. My boyfriend knows how to turn me on during foreplay but as soon as he puts his penis in it really hurts and we have to stop. Sometimes we are both slowly trying to get it in and i try relaxing in every way possible, but it still doesnt work. I really need some help, anyone know what i can do?
hello 🙂
My name is Janis and the other day I had sex for first time with my BF…
It was very Painful for me and it still hurts :S
I guess I was stressed, and not feeling ready but anyway i would like somebody’s opinion. I can’t go tell my friends i feel so bad and freaky :S
Pls Help!!!!!!!!!
I want to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I’m sixteen and I know it will hurt but we’re planning to do a lot of foreplay before we have sex but we want to use a condom and I just want to know, do condoms make it hurt more or do they help make sex feel better?
My boyfriend and I were both virgins and the first time didn’t hurt too much. But now the pain is just getting worse. I feel bad because I don’t want to have sex because of the pain but I know he really wants it. I can only get an inch of him in me before the pain is too much to handle and we have to stop. I just want to know what we can try. We have used lube and foreplay.
I EXPERIENCE A LITTLE PAIN WITH MY BF AND IT MAINLY BECA– USE HES ROUGH AND RAMS IT IN HARD..HE LIKES HARD ROUGH SEX I LIKE SLOW SENSUAL SEX…I LIKE FOREPLAY BECA– USE IT GETS ME REALLY WET AND PREPARED.HE KINDS OF TAKES A LONG TIME TO.. (YOU KNOW) SO AT SOME POINTS IM THINKING IN MY HEAD (WHEN WILL IT BE OVER) AND SEX SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THAT.THE WORSE IN MY OPINION IS DOGGY STYLE THATS HIS FAV POSITION AND MY LEAST FAVORITE.I NOTICED THAT WITHOUT A CONDOM ITS MORE PAINFUL AND I THINK ITS BECA– USE IM NOT FEELING *EVERYTHING* LIKE I DO WITHOUT A CONDOM…BUT WITH A CONDOM KINDA TAKES AWAY THAT GREAT FEELING THAT MAKES ME CUM MULTIPLE TIMES….AND AFTER A WHILE IT MAKES ME DRY.
I’ve already gone through the worst of the pain and it still hasn’t gone away. but like you MARIA me and my boyfriend were both virgins and inexperienced. I want to have sex all the time but when it comes to the point when he asks all i remember is the pain and i reject him. I feel crappy but I don’t know what to do.
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend (on and off) for 3 and a half years. We wanted to wait until we were completely ready and steady to have sex. Both of us, having “waited for love” to have sex arrived at this problem as virgins. Using lube, condoms, tons of foreplay, and even letting him go down on me before attempting penetration has not helped to take the pain away. My gyno says that I’m normal, and I know that we’re really really ready to have sex.
I have a very small body for a 23 year-old, and my boyfriend has a really girthy penis. For some reason, I haven’t been able to take him in more than a couple inches, the pain is completely unbearable, and I find that my body resists him no matter how much I try to relax. He loves me, and pleases me in other ways, but our struggle is making our intimate time together more stressful than fun.
Sure, this is a problem, but I find it to be an even bigger problem that so many women have posted similar complaints and questions on this thread (and elsewhere), and there seems to be no help in sight. Searching for help seems hopeless, because there is little advice besides “it really really really hurts, but you just have to bear it once, and it will get better.” Clearly the women who have posted here are continuously trying and the problem isn’t going away.
Sex shouldn’t be a chore or a form of torture, and we shouldn’t be afraid of it, so why is this a problem for so many of us, and how can we solve it? It’s nice to know that I’m not alone, but women are posting on these threads because they’re looking for support and suggestions for a perfectly normal problem. Anybody have anything they want to share with the class?
its been a year that i have been dating my boyfriend.n he thinks its time for us to have sex. i am afraid as both of us are virgins.reading all the articles above has got me wondering as to if i will hurt or not. please tell me if lubricated condoms will lessen the pain. i think we vil give me ample time of say, 30 mins of foreplay to be ready.. but still, what do i do? if i am going to worrying about the final moment of him entering me, how can i reduce my pain?how do i relax myself? and please also tell me if there is need to use lube with lubricated condoms?isnt it that more the lube, lesser friction and lesser pain it will cause? he has a normal sized penis.. about i think 6 to 6.5 inches..please help me.. i am very tensed..
When my bf enters he’s penus I’m okay, but as soon as he starts moving he’s penus up further in, it feels as if I’m being rammed to deep it hurts, I mean I can handle the pain but there’s just no pleasure in it for me, I know I’m super horny and wet after four play & oral, we don’t need lube we use condoms, is there any easier position? Or anything that we can try to ease my pain would be healpfull, he’s a little but on the big side problably 8inches long & 3 inches thick..thanks
hi, im 17 and still a virgin. my boyfriend is 19 and is still a virgin. we both want to have sex but i’m afraid because when we dry hump, by that i mean go through the same motions as sex with my panties on, it hurts so much. the first 2 times it felt amazing, i thought i was 100% ready for real sex. but the more we do it with my panties on the more it hurts. to the point now when even the next day it hurts. it didn’t used to but now its almost unbearable when he fingers me, like my area is swollen and closed up. he alwasy tells me im reeeally wet when he fingers me, but it hurts so bad. i try to pretend it doesnt hurt since were not even having sex, but he sees right through me and now is afraid to do anything that might hurt me. not everything he does hurts bad enough to outweigh the pleasure, but it does hurt. also i noticed a spot of blood in my panties after a long night together and i thought my cherry popped, but it still hurts, if not worse. what should i do, i understand sex may not be an option for a while, but how can we pretend without it hurting me.
I’ve read through a few of these and it seems to be a similar problems as well as the questioner above. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and have only had one partner before him in which only had sex with twice so both of them times werent great but im guessing thats just because it was my first time. Me and my boyfriend have stopped using condoms as i think i am allergic to them and i’ve gone onto the pill. However sex is still very painful. We try often but have never lasted longer than 5-10 minutes. He is very considerate and understands but obviously i would much rather sorting the problem so we can both enjoy ourselfs. Please help!
Please help. I was reading through these and a lot sounds familiar! I went to the gyno to tell the doc about all the problems i have been having for a few years. when i have sex it doent matter if i use lube or not or even if we play around for forever or not it still hurts. we have tried several different positions and stuff. my problem is that it feels like someone has my overies(sp) in a vice grip. It really hurts. My bf is a medical student and can very clearly feel that he is not hitting my cervix.(which he has done before and did not hurt) When i told the gyno about this he checked me for endimitriosis(sp) which came back negative. I just dont get it and really gets to where sex is more of a chore than it is fun!!