Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
Hi this is my fisrt time of haveing sex I mean its been such a long time that it harts when me and my bf have sex its like I’m going through it all over agen so how can we make it so it dose not feel that way
Jazmin – You didn’t specify whether it was your very first time having sex. If this is the case it is perfectly normal for it to hurt on the first time and the blood would be from the torn hymen. If it isn’t your first time you may have a condition called vaginismus. It is very common in young women like yourself. I had the condition myself when I was younger. You can get more information about this from your doctor. It is a psycholgical condition but results in pain during sex. It is curable so it’s nothing to worry too much about. If you have had this problem before then it is very likely it is vaginismus.
Tiffany
January 27th, 2012 at 12:39 am
Reply:Jazmin
i think it is stress being stress does cause muscular tightness,is it with-or without a condom? because in rare cases people are allergic to latex or even a mans sperm,but i would say stress and hard feelings…relax and meditate or something
Me and my BF just had sex for the first time the day before yesturday,we did lots of foreplay and stuff but it hurt alot,like after i bled,does that mean im totally incappaple to have sex?,he only got a inch in and i begged him to stop,ever sence ive been feeling crappy about it :/ im not old enough to go buy lube or anything,i get condoms at school soo what should i do?
I am 19, practically 20, and my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. When we first started having sex, it was great every time just about. But for the past 3 to 4 months, sex is extremely painful. I didn’t get off for at least a month straight. I do get off from time to time, but it’s rare. I feel like I have to pee DURING intercourse a lot of the times, and other times, it just will never stop hurting! Initial penetration isn’t really where the pain starts. Its when we get more into it and I haven’t started to feel much pleasure when it begins to hurt more. And there have been times where I fell like I will orgasm but out of no where, the pain spikes up again and takes away my pleasure. Symptoms I have are frequent urination, and I’m talking like 6/7 times a day, all just little squirts here and there, then another like 10 minutes later. Cramping coming out of no where (not period cramps) abdominal pain/discomfort. Sonstant fatigue, tightening of the chest, and breast tenderness.There are more, but I can’t think of them off the top of my head. Could this be related to stress? I work full time at a job that has me working from 10 to 9 (with an extended break) and I go to school 2 to 3 days a week. I also have a brother who does nothing but play video games all day everyday while I have to bust my butt to pay the electricity and internet for my mom… Could it be because of stress and harbored hatred that I need to let go of? I do feel as though I may have endometrosis or a cyst. Because I know for a fact I am not pregnant and I always feel cramps and abdominal discomfort in between my periods. Please, someone help me gain some sanity back because this is driving me so crazy. It’s frustrating not to be able to make love to the one person you want to express your love to.
I am 24 and have been with this guy for the past two years,at first we were enjoying sex well until late this year when it began to be painful..it has come to a point where i can’t even take him any longer,the thought of him on me makes me shiver but i wanna please him coz i love him so i won’t tell him.i suspect that maybe his dick is extra large for me please help me coz i think if he ever touches me again i will tear up
i lost virginity quite late at 23 years old and was hell painful. now i am 28 and still is. and i try to get preggars and cannot. who know perhaps hassomething to do with it. my gyn. doc told me after i have a baby my vagina will get bigger and will be ok. but since i cannot even get pregant:D anyway i guess the easiest is try maybe strange but good position 4 U.for example as many we tried, the least painful was me laing on belly, just like when u sleep and he just lay on me. this is the only way that we can do it, althought cannot say would sort the problem by itself, at least it makes it not painful. use ur imagination when u r the most relaxed – for example when u sit and he simply has to find the way to get in -in that position
the problem with most of u guys is that you are leaving a lot to fate. Sex to some women is painfull while to others it isnt. If u are among the ones to whom it feels lyk a fire burning in your crotch, it is upon to you to make it painless. Contrary to belief, making sex painless is not a difficult task. It just requires a lot of practice and dedication jus lyk everything else. Communication is key in sex. U have to tell your partner what it is exactly what you want and this isnt in the least easy if u dont even know what u want. U should explore your body fully before setting to have some slip himself into you. Im talking, of course, of masturbation. U should prepare the setting well. Dont just start begin to rub yourself straight away. Make sure you are severely aroused by either watching soft porn that involves a lot of kissing and touching(not the hard stuff that involves ramming coz it just turns you off),reading erotica,listening to soft music or even fantasizing about someone. The need to touch yourself will come naturally. To make it last longer, u should ignore the hunger in your crotch and proceed to touch other parts like nipples,armpits etc till you feel you are sure that you are wet. Proceed then to your pussy(use a lot of lube) and begin inserting your finger little by little. It might be painful but remember that the pain is what you are trying to beat. Continue to slowly advance with more and more fingers(ul find that the more you continue,the less painful it becomes). After yot have mastered fingering,proceed to dildoes and go through the same process. On doing this for a while,you can now proceed to take in a dick. The first time might still be a little painfull but if the pain is still there the second time,send me the foulest insults you can come up with at [email protected]. If still you cannot take either a dick or a dildo no matter what you do,pay your gyno a visit. ( am a gynaecologist in training by the way)
I was a virgin when I first met my boyfriend (he’s my first and last – we’re engaged!) I never knew what to expect for the first time. My boyfriend had plenty of girlfriends in the past and was experienced in this department. The first time he went rough and hard. It was so painful. We tried so many positions but I couldn’t bear it. Everything else in our lives was perfect but when it came to sex I couldn’t go on and he got frustrated.
The second time he got me more aroused and then went in, but it was still painful. He’s very large and told me my opening was tiny compared to what he was used to in the past. So instead he used his fingers slowly making the opening bigger and I enjoyed that. It wasn’t painful. It as fun for me and he didn’t get sexually frustrated.
The third time (recently) I was very aroused in the car (we were traveling) but by the time we made it to the hotel it seemed I just shut off. My boyfriend thinks its because I became nervous knowing that sex brings on pain and my sub conscience mind knows that. He wanted the lights on when I wanted them off. He said he couldn’t see. He tried to get me aroused we used lube. Nothing worked. I went from being a rain forest to a desert. I could not get aroused no matter how hard I tried. It was 2 months since the last time we had sex and I wanted to make him happy so we tried but the pain was unbearable so we stopped and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and just.. jumped me. The lights were off, I felt comfortable and he didn’t give me a chance to think. We used lube and he went right in. Initially everytime he pushed thru the opening it was painful and always will be I’m sure. But once he was in it felt good, sore but I enjoyed it for the first time. I could only handle one session but it was enough for my boyfriend. We’ve come to the conclusion it all rests on how comfortable I am with the current situation. It’s a slow process but we’re learning and taking it one step are a time. 🙂
Why is being a girl so hard lol?!!? My boyfriend and myself have been together for a year and 2 months and we are both virgins. We’ve been messing around lately and we’ve tried having sex but it hurts so freakin’ bad, so we have to stop. :'( I feel like in a way that I am disappointing him.. Idk if my nerves down there are really sensitive or im not relaxed enough.. I just want to get it over with so we don’t have to go through this anymore..
i have had sex only 3 times now. but i can’t seem to get a penis in all the way. & it hurts. i tried the other night with someone & i felt bad for making him stop.
I am 14 and scared to death of my first time cause when we partake in foreplay my body tightens and tenses up and just last night we tried and when he tried to put it in me it wouldn’t go so we tried another 3 1/2 hours of foreplay and tried again and it still dont work and we tried today and i was hand cuffed to the bed (my choice) and when we tried again it was down right painful when he tried and i couldn’t do anything cause i was trying to picture it as pleasurable as possible and i heard him moan in pain and so i dont know what to do anymore we used lube he fingered for 45 minutes and we did foreplay and it still hurt the both of us and his is on the rather large side so someone please help i would be so great to not hurt myself and him trying to do what everyone else can do
Thanks,
Ramanda
I’ve had sex about 10 times and it hurts so so bad. I’m worried it will never get better! Help?
Hi, im really scared about having sex for the first time!….EVERYONE says it hurts…..and you may even bleed….i speak to my friends about it but they’re virgins too.
Please Help me realx.
Thanks,
Molly,
xx.
my first time haveing sex was yesterday at first he fingered me and i felt very unconfortbal we done some foreplay and i put lube on we tryed many times to put it in, in the end he went on top and it was kinda pain kinda pleasure it kept falling out tho and it was alot easier when he you no what cause it made it more moist is this feeling gunna be everytime or was it just my first? help please