How Can I Get My Girlfriend to Be More Sexually Active and Engaged?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

How do I get my girlfriend to come out of her shell? I sometimes have to move her hands to the parts of my body I want her to touch. I think her last two long-terms love had the same MO with her in bed. She would lay there and they would do a bunch of stuff to her to turn her on and then have sex with little involvement from her….and guess what’s happening now??? I think the same thing with me. Nothing is better than an enthusiastic passionate lover….HELP!!!

— Sexually ACTIVE

What Should S.A. do?
Let them know in the comments below:



  1. Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude. Thanks Nonetheless I am experiencing issue with ur rss . Dont know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting similar rss drawback? Anybody who is aware of kindly respond. Thnkx

  2. Poor you, it sounds very trying. If everything else in your relationship is great, and you want to stay with each other, you need to gently persuade her to discuss your mutual desires. One thing I love doing with partners is reading a book together in bed – how about finding an erotic book or even a good sex guide (Em and Lo have written a few good ‘uns) and reading it to each other? It might spark a useful conversation. Also there’s a technique sex therapists use for couples having trouble connecting sexually (or bored of each other) called ‘sensate focus’. It involves just touching and stroking each other’s bodies without aiming for orgasm. Maybe you could get her to try something like this just to get her used to touching you and giving you some attention for a change?

  3. I have always had this issue with my wife of over 40 years. She doesn’t believe in discussing sex at all – EXCEPT when I don’t bother her for sex for a while (constant rejection gets old). THEN I’m accused of having an affair, which as time goes on is sounding better than doing without completely.

    I never hear about what she likes, just what she expects me to never bring up or try again, and never in a direct manner. If I ask what the problem is, the answer is invariable “You know!” Forget about counseling! If it begins to look like she might be the problem, we stop going. She won’t talk about this with anyone as far as I can tell, especially not me.

    I don’t expect that I will get any help with this, so thanks for letting me vent.

  4. I agree with all of the comments! I once had a guy tell me that the biggest turn-on was when I told him what I liked, and I think it’s the same thing for girls. Saying “I like it when you kiss/touch me here” is a sexy way to communicate and hopefully, she’ll get the message. Don’t just show her, use words as well.

  5. Ugh, I’ve experienced this. It’s the hugest turn-off in the world. You feel like you’re having sex on her rather than with her. It makes you feel like some kind of molester.

    The obvious answer is “communicate,” but you HAVE been. When you take her hand and put it where you want it, that’s communicating. You’re showing her what you like. Then next time… you have to do it all over again. It’s like she just didn’t get the very loud, clear, simple, obvious, universally understood message: “I LIKE MY PENIS TOUCHED.”

    You say you’re doing a bunch of stuff to turn her on – sounds like you’re doing your due diligence. If your turn-on moves aren’t working for her, then the onus is on her to say something to you.

    I guess, if you don’t want to break up with her, a very unsexy instructional conversation in which you communicate your dissatisfaction is in order. Ask if there’s anything you could be doing to turn her on more, but don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re the one with a complaint here. You’ve been making an effort and she hasn’t.

  6. It seems to me that you are doing the same thing that you are accusing your girlfriend of doing. You are laying back and expecting us to do all of the work. Other than saying you occasionally place her hands where you want to be touched, you haven’t told us what you’ve done to get what you would like in bed. Have you told her that you are not satisfied with your sex life; does she know there is a problem? It could be that, while you are dissatisfied, she is perfectly happy with the way things are. Or, it could be that she is completely dissatisfied with your sex life and views you as the cause. Which is it? We don’t know. If you want things to change, you need to start talking to your girlfriend. By the way, I’d keep her past boyfriends out of the conversation. You’re only looking for trouble and, when she’s telling her next boyfriend about her exes, you may not appreciate how she describes you to them.

    1. Agreed. Conversation is truly the only way. You need to trust and respect your partner. Why not begin the convo by asking her what could be better for her? Is there anything you can do differently for her. Then segue into what you need. If you don’t talk to one another, your relationship is doomed.

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