Advice from three of our guy friends. This time they answer the following: “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate.
For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week.
So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy. Generally, most guys watch porn. But there are lots of different varieties and types of porn and that is where things get more complicated. Lots of men like teen porn, like that on college porn, but some prefer things a little more taboo.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”) No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.” I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms. Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).
Straight Single Guy (Max): While it’s hard to believe, I think that most men view masturbation (which we’re addicted to, by the way) as completely separate from our sex lives. When you’re living the solo sex life, you’ve got your fantasies as well as hormones to answer to. The only solution is masturbation. Many turn to pornography. It’s sad. I understand then, that it must be confusing to women when we continue to masturbate, even while having great and consistent sex, after you’ve saved us from our lonely and always wanting existence.
Unfortunately, no matter how much we may love our lady friend and the sex that we have with her, it’s incredibly hard to fulfill our voyeuristic and most fantastic desires. We don’t want to cheat (most of us). And yet we have thoughts of other girls, other places and impossible situations. Thus, we masturbate. It’s the eternal answer to everything that plagues men. Don’t take it as an insult to your skills in bed. Because trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask us or the guys your own question, click here.
This post has been updated.
It’s safe, he’s not cheating, and as long as he saves some for me.
I told if it stands up,beat back down. LOL LOL
I do not know to much I mean I am very young Female but I am dating a much older guy and our sex life is amazing and very active, and we both masterbate on occasion…as far
Hey Straight Single Guy, what makes you think we wont do some of the stuff you fantasize about? have you asked?
what about if he masturbates after sex in order to have an orgasm?
that such questions can be asked by (supposedly) fully educated adult individuals is a sad commentary on the state of our educational system. any such system that so woefully under- or even mis-educates its graduates about such a central and crucial part of life is in dire need of repair – thank goodness a believer in comprehensive and age-appropriate sexual education has the reins these days…maybe now we can bring our teen pregnancy and sexual morbidity rates down to something a little more on par with the rest of the developed world. abstinence-only programs and the religious fundamentalism that motivates their use have greatly inhibited our progress as a society in addressing sexually dysfunctional behavior, and we’ll all be a lot happier and healthier when science trumps ignorant superstition in this area (not to mention all the others…)
“Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”
Whether it’s a silly question or not it’s still a *frequently asked* one. Especially for anyone who hasn’t been exposed to, say, comprehensive sex education, where masturbation is usually covered as something that for *both* genders only loosely correlates to sexual activity with partners.
The good news is that learning your partner masturbates is *not* evidence that they’re dissatisfied with you. The even better news is that if you’re comfortable with masturbating but feel like you “shouldn’t” because you’re in a sexual relationship then… it’s ok to start again or continue.
The downside, if you want to call it that, is that *since* desire for masturbation isn’t closely linked to desire for partnered sex, and since it’s not always a *substitute* for partnered sex, it’s not safe to assume that if one’s partner masturbated less they’d automatically begin having more sex with their partners.
Finally, there are some great perspectives in the comments here, from Beth’s, Epiphany’s and other’s point that it’s not just men to Erika and Rei’s suggestions that it can be done together… which reminds me of one final exception: I’ve spoken to a number of women who wait till their partners fall asleep after sex to quietly masturbate because… their partners aren’t doing anything to help them and they don’t want their partner to know. To the extent that’s a problem it’s not the masturbating afterwards part — see Erika and Rei’s point that that can be fun too — it’s being uncomfortable letting one’s partner know something’s not working.
figleaf
I think Ben may be on to something here… I know the long-term frequency for me has stayed pretty constant over time and is typically once or twice daily (purely for health reasons, you understand). It’s not the Apocalypse if I can’t but that’s where my ‘druthers lie. Oddly, my first girlfriend (who was a libidinous lass) encouraged me as a way of maintaining an active interest. Her philosophy was ‘the more you have, the more you want.’
Get over those preconceptions about masturbating and embrace the health benefits. Aside from being a sleep aid, mood enhancer, stress-reliever, self-confidence booster, muscle toner, etc. for both genders, it’s been proven that frequent masturbation helps men prevent prostate cancer (look it up, it’s true; it flushes the ducts), so it should be encouraged. For women, masturbation provides resistance to yeast infection and pain relief. It’s happy-making, free of charge and drug-free healthcare, people!
What’s with the assumption that women in relationships don’t masturbate? I do whether I’m in a relationship or not, and usually, more often if I’m having sex regularly than if I’m not.
Masturbation is healthy for a guy and a girl in the relationship. Women have their fantasies too, and we masturbate to them; And like men, some women will fantasize about another man than our partner, its human nature. Without masturbation, we wouldn’t know how we like to be touched, and you find new touches throughout your life. It’s also fun to mix it up a bit in the bedroom, and watch your man masturbate while he’s watching you masturbate. Really sexy!!
(As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)
I think this is the most important part. As long as it doesn’t keep him from having sex with me, then I really don’t care.
And guess what? Women do it too. I get off without my boyfriend at least a couple of times a week or more if we haven’t had sex as often.
Ok this really bothers me. I have no issue whatsoever with masturbation, but shouldn’t this apply to women too! And furthermore, I HATE this virgin/whore assumption that women wouldn’t want to do any of the things men fantasize about when they masturbate. How do you know? Some of us girls are kinky bitches!
Why would we stop? The only person I know that doesn’t masturbate is the old guy down stairs, he reads the bible instead.
I think the RMF this is true for women as well.